Dependent and codependent behavior - concepts, signs, causes

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This article is for those who are experiencing difficulties in relationships and want to overcome them.

When entering into a partnership, the vast majority of people want to build a strong and happy connection and sincerely believe that everything will be fine. How does it happen that love leaves, and in its place conflicts, misunderstandings and, often, codependency are firmly established? Let's talk about what codependency is, where it comes from, how to recognize it and what to do to overcome it.

Signs of a codependent in the family

• Low self-esteem. The person thinks about his own inferiority and believes that he deserves bad behavior from the addict.
• Attempts to take on the problem of an alcoholic/drug addict. The codependent covers up the drunkenness of a family member and his actions (for example, he takes out a loan for himself to pay off debts).
• Worried that the alcoholic will leave the family. Codependent people will do anything to maintain a relationship, incl. will ignore domestic violence and other signs of crime.
• They will concentrate all their attention on the feelings of their loved one. Codependents become so saturated with another person that they cease to separate their emotions from his.
• Puts the needs of the alcoholic/drug addict above his own. The codependent ignores the signs of his situation and refuses to live a happy, fulfilling life.
• Destroys his principles. A codependent often agrees to strict demands in order to avoid rejection (for example, instead of love and care, he agrees to simple sex).
• Tries to completely control the drug addict/alcoholic, depriving him of freedom of choice even in simple situations. This sign miraculously coexists with the desire to disappear into the problems of another person.
• Avoids conflicts. A codependent may control the alcoholic's actions covertly, avoiding direct confrontation (for example, hiding a bottle or drug).
• Harms your body. A codependent may start drinking or injecting drugs in order to better integrate into the life of a drug addict or alcoholic.

Manifestations of codependency

Codependents tend to confuse love and suffering. They do not understand that love can exist without psychological, physical and any other discomfort. Equating love with suffering is a pathological state of the psyche and requires qualified help. But the patients themselves are not aware of this and can be in codependent relationships for years or even decades, and not necessarily with one partner. Often people start a second, third, fourth relationship and in each of them they suffer from moral humiliation, face a disdainful attitude towards themselves and, nevertheless, continue to feel craving for their partner.

For a codependent, the constant presence of the object is important, since in this case he feels best emotionally.

You can suspect a problem based on the following signs:

• the presence of a direct connection between the mood of one of the partners and the emotions of the other, lack of attention to one’s own desires and goals;
• the inability of one of the partners to refuse the other, the lack of the ability to speak out, much less defend their point of view, the willingness to do anything to avoid conflict, including sacrificing one’s life principles;
• lack of ability to independently make any decision, even a small one;
• a constant desire to be close to a partner, the presence of an acute feeling of guilt for the time spent away from him, regardless of whether this is caused by life circumstances or desires;
• total control over the movements, social circle, calls of the addict;
• constant preoccupation with the needs and problems of a partner, intrusive solicitude, a desire to help him, even if he frankly does not strive for this (especially typical for couples where one or both participants are dependent on alcohol);
• constant control over the actions of the object, the desire to re-educate him;
• constant expectation of deception or betrayal, pathological jealousy, which manifests itself even in relation to the parents of its object, pets.

A characteristic feature of codependent relationships is the constant use of “we” to describe events, desires, goals, etc.

Codependents are completely dependent on external assessments and are unable to adequately perceive criticism addressed to them. Often when communicating with such people, you can notice that they use the words “I must” or “you must” too often. When trying to draw attention to their problem, they use all forms of psychological defense: rationalization, repression, but most often they deny its existence. This allows you to continue to live in your illusory world, which remains complex and filled with pain, but “native”.

Codependency leads to the development of somatic symptoms, which can manifest as disturbances in the functioning and anatomy of internal organs. Most often, the brain is affected; disruptions occur in the endocrine system and hormonal balance. This leads to a decrease in immunity and a deterioration in general physical condition, which provokes the development of various diseases, including cancer.

Separately, it is worth highlighting such a phenomenon as stalking. It is not characterized by a biological component, but the person is in full confidence that he is loved, and literally pursues the object of his love, not disdaining various methods and resorting to manipulation. At the same time, without an object, the life of a stalker loses all meaning, which leads to the development of severe secondary depressions that can end in suicide.

How can a codependent find a way out?

Codependency is an unhealthy behavior. It destroys a person as a person, because it completely dissolves in the life of another. This causes rejection both in the codependent’s own eyes and on the part of others.

To cope with codependency, psychologists recommend changing behavior. To do this, you need to analyze the reasons for your behavior and follow the tips described below.

Get your thoughts in order

Understand the essence of the concept of “codependency” and its causes. Recognize the signs of the problem, understand its consequences for the family. Then you need to get out of the denial stage and learn:

• set boundaries of personal space;
• accept reality;
• live in the present, not in the future or past.

Calm your emotions

A codependent person must realize that he is himself, so there is no reason to become a different person. We must refuse to take responsibility for the behavior of our loved one. He must overcome his anxiety and fears, replace despair with hope, and stop “eating” himself.

Boost Your Self-Esteem

A codependent must learn to trust himself and stop being ashamed of himself and his behavior. He must find the reasons for self-doubt and suppress the first signs of this feeling.

Learn to control your actions

You must be able to protect personal boundaries and say “no.” A codependent must remember that he is a person who has the right to be able to express his desires: “I want”, “I can”, “I think”, and not live the life of another person. Find the reason that prevents you from defending your interests.

Everything you see is a lie

You can play the role of Victim, Aggressor or Rescuer for years. Sometimes this becomes a life strategy and is fixed in character traits. But the Karpman triangle is dynamic. People in a codependent couple change roles - this can happen several times in an hour (for example, during a conflict). And sometimes the roles seem to remain stable - there was simply no corresponding trigger.

“The ultimate goal of this game is to become a victim. Rescuers will put themselves in the position of the hunted in order to then move into the position of the victim. For example, they may subconsciously offer someone the only necessary and correct help. The rescuer may also try to help someone who does not need help. In this case, he may be rejected - then he will feel resentful and become a victim.”

Source

Here's how the drama inside a triangle can unfold:

“I was just trying to help you (the Rescuer comes on stage, he is annoyed, disappointed) ... Not only did you not appreciate my help, but you also attacked me with claims that I was minding my own business! (The Rescuer goes into Victim mode.) Sorry, but what you answered me is already too much... I didn’t want to say this, but now I have to!.. (The Victim is “forced to defend himself” - and becomes the Aggressor).”

American psychologist and psychotherapist Claude Steiner believed: “The victim in reality is not as helpless as he feels. The Rescuer is not really helping, and the Pursuer has no valid claim against the other.”

Why does a codependent need professional help?

Despite the apparent simplicity, it is not easy for a codependent to follow these recommendations. Many reasons determine the need for the help of a psychologist. Our center provides treatment and rehabilitation for alcohol and drug addicts. We also provide free assistance to loved ones who live with alcoholics and drug addicts.

Our experts will tell you how a codependent can behave correctly with a drunkard or drug addict, help him cope with addiction, and improve his personal life. Call us, we will help you overcome codependency, learn to protect your boundaries, and find reasons to continue living normally.

How to survive the pain of a breakup? — Practical advice

As I wrote above, you cannot think about two things at the same time. Therefore, you need to repress thoughts about your ex, and we repress by replacing some thoughts with others. How exactly to do this?

Advice: You must be busy all the time. Not a minute of free time. Throw yourself into work or some other activity.

The mistake of most people who have a psychologically difficult time is that they withdraw into themselves, dwell on thoughts from the past, and many even lead a passive and asocial lifestyle. Under no circumstances should you do this; you will simply go crazy and engage in self-flagellation.

As for the advice “Throw yourself into your work,” there are two important details:

• The work must be new. It must be a new activity that is unfamiliar to you. If you perform familiar and routine tasks for yourself, they will not help crowd out thoughts of separation. You will do your job automatically and depressive thoughts will dominate your head. But when you get a new job or position, you have to master a lot of material in a short period of time, and you physically won’t be able to think about your ex.

• There should be a lot of work. Suppose you are satisfied with your job, and you simply don’t need a new one. What to do in such a situation? Go to your boss's office and tell him that you need additional tasks for the day. Ideally, agree on processing so that you are paid for all this with interest. The boss will be only too happy to give you a lot of work, and that's exactly what you need. You will keep in your head the thought that you must complete new tasks by such and such a deadline. There will be many times fewer extraneous thoughts in such a situation; you will have no time to beat yourself up.

I have tested the effectiveness of this method in my own experience.

Life story: I broke up with my girlfriend and it was hard. Thoughts about her couldn’t get out of my head, my appetite was zero, my sleep was poor, my mood was no good. In general, a standard bouquet in such situations.

At that time, I was working remotely on freelance exchanges and, in principle, I had enough to eat. But I knew that at home, working remotely and working as usual, I would go crazy. I started looking for vacancies, in a field completely unfamiliar to me (marketing), updated my resume at hh.ru and checked the “no experience” search box. After receiving many refusals, I finally found an excellent company near my home.

There was a lot of new information, there was no time to raise my head. I was completely immersed in the learning process and from 10 to 18 I didn’t remember about my breakup, there was no physical time. As soon as I completed the tasks assigned to me, I immediately went to the boss’s office and asked for new ones, so as not to sit idle. Occupational therapy really helped and I was released after two weeks.

Additional recommendations:

Tip #1 - Talk to new men (girls)

When you have one person in your head and heart, it is very difficult to think about others. But it is necessary! It is necessary, in the literal sense of the word, to force yourself to communicate with new people of the opposite sex, to let them into your life. When you switch to other people, you spend less and less time thinking about your ex.

Tip #2 - Be social

After work, do not go to an empty apartment, but agree to spend leisure time with your girlfriends or friends. Go to a cafe or club (but an important condition - you can’t drink). Wean yourself from the habit (if you have one) of drowning out suffering with alcohol - it doesn’t work, but aggravates the problem.

Important! When meeting with your friends, you should not talk about your past relationships or recent breakup.

You already know that the brain cannot think about two things at the same time. Therefore, the purpose of spending leisure time with your friends is to distract yourself and push the past out of your head. But how do you force him out if the entire meeting with friends you do nothing but talk about your ex?

What kind of relationship with money do people prone to codependency have?

Relationships among people prone to codependency are also projected onto their relationship with money. “Loving money” means not depending on it, calmly allowing money to go and come, to stop controlling it and worrying that it is not enough. Ultimately, you need to stop believing that only money can make you happy!

This is similar to codependency in a relationship, because many people believe that only their significant other can give them a feeling of happiness and harmony, and they demand constant attention from their partner, trying to control him. Such feelings have nothing to do with true love.

You and your partner are self-sufficient, independent individuals, and you are together because you simply feel good with each other. This approach is also effective in relation to money: you calmly let it go, but it still comes back to you! You feel better together with them than apart, and you are always happy to see them.

Have you ever noticed that as soon as you start working exclusively “for a goal” and stop enjoying the process itself, your cash flow immediately decreases?