Even when a breakup seems inevitable and you're pretty sure you're better off, you may still wonder how your ex is doing, what they're doing or who they're with, and most importantly, whether they're pining for you or have someone something new. Jealousy after a breakup is often an even bigger problem than the feelings you ultimately felt during the relationship.
You may wonder why you are not good enough and why these people have what your ex really wanted. With no way to protest and a greater potential for feelings of anger, betrayal and disappointment, you may feel incredibly jealous and wonder how to stop being jealous of your ex. Luckily, taming your jealousy and moving forward in a calm, happy and mature manner is not impossible.
Retrospective jealousy—or jealousy about your partner's past—is a common problem for couples. You may feel like their past threatens your current relationship and you keep dwelling on it. Sometimes thoughts continue to cause anxiety:
- I wonder if he/she was a better lover than me?
- I wonder if he/she might want to return to him?
- I wonder if he/she thinks about how great it was to be with him.
- I wonder if he/she will want other women/men.
You may accept that the relationship is over, but these thoughts may be tormenting you. These past experiences create insecurity and a sense of lack of control within you. Your thoughts and feelings about the past were a threat to your current relationship.
Normalize your feelings1
This type of jealousy is normal and simply reflects the primal human desire to be the only one in the world. In fact, some cultures still insist on "virginity" for newlyweds, even though this is often not possible, practical or desirable. Any competition is seen as a current threat. So don't think you're crazy because you have these feelings.
Is it possible to fight this?
Absolutely yes. Of course, you can wait, because sooner or later this condition will pass, but it is better not to waste your energy. In addition, the torments of jealousy, and especially such hopeless jealousy as jealousy towards your ex(s), are very difficult to endure. Every extra day spent in this state is worth too much, so it's worth fighting for.
What can be done? Advice like: “take a break,” “go to the movies,” “read a book” in this case is simply ridiculous - anyone who has ever suffered from jealousy of a former significant other will say this. You can watch a dozen films and not even remember what they are about. There will always be the same picture before your eyes - former love in someone else's arms. In this case, the only effective remedy is feeling. More powerful than what we are experiencing now.
Moreover, we are not talking about falling in love again (in this state it is unlikely), but about bright emotions, unforgettable sensations, and an adrenaline rush. Think for a second: now you are not bound by anyone, you can do as you please without regard to your soulmate. What you might not have been able to do before, you can now easily do. Much, of course, depends on your capabilities and your own character, but, as an option, it is worth considering the following scenarios:
- Go somewhere for the weekend, even just to walk around another city. Visit new places, take a bunch of photos, leave comments on them on social networks. It’s good if you manage to go further away and stay there longer.
- Try to organize some useful project. For example, find the nearest animal shelter, visit it, think about how you can help him. You can organize a fundraiser for it or an “Adopt an Animal” event, during which you try to find new owners for the animals. This activity, by the way, can be so captivating that in a week you will not be able to remember what your ex looked like, much less be jealous of him.
- Pamper yourself. Think about what you would like, what would give you pleasure. Make a list of what you want, including both the simplest and the completely impossible at first glance things. Then divide the entire list into three categories: desires, tasks, dreams. This may turn out to be unexpectedly useful in the longer term. After analyzing the list, try to make your wishes come true first, then think about how to solve the problems, and imagine what could be done to make your dreams come true.
- If the previous options are difficult to implement in the foreseeable future, you can show at least minimal activity: pay visits to friends and acquaintances, finally. The main thing is to spend less time alone and thinking.
Thoughts and feelings are not dangerous5
We often want to control our partner's thoughts and feelings—a kind of romantic perfectionism. This is unrealistic and only adds to your partner's feeling that it will be impossible to satisfy you. If you accept that everyone has personal thoughts, feelings and fantasies, you will live in a real world where real relationships are possible.
Reason #3
You are unsure of yourself. And the ex is the same person who loved you for who you are. Uncertainty breeds fear of meeting new people, those who have no idea who you are. Your positive sides, your wonderful character, this cannot be revealed right away on the first date, and the new guy may turn out to be an asshole.
But the ex has already been known inside and out, he knows everything about you and you know everything about him. He will accept you, he will love you again, he is your loved one. Is this how you think? This is how you drive yourself even deeper into despair and paranoia?
Of course, your ex-partner’s new lover will become an obstacle between him and you, which is why you will hate her with all your might. Who is she to be with the one who knows you best in this life? Does she want to ruin your happiness?
If all these thoughts are familiar to you, then you urgently need to move towards solving the problem. Otherwise, you risk being forever stuck in manic thoughts that there is only one person in this world who can give you happiness. And he's on the other side.
Focus on making your future8
It's less important what happened in the past, more important is how you two deal with the present. Questioning, blaming, seeking reassurance, and walking away will not strengthen the bond between you. Instead of dwelling on the past, try your best to love and appreciate each other. Make daily and weekly plans for fun, growth and connection rather than arguing over what is over. The current relationship will flourish in its own interests. The past can be left in the past.
Reason #2
Giving a special role to former relationships. Was your ex your first love? Did you lose your virginity with him? Did he propose to you? Did you consider him your family? Such people leave an imprint on our soul, they become special to us, because they radically changed the course of our lives.
Even after a breakup, you can't deny the special role your ex played in your story. Because of this, many women begin to perceive those relationships in a special way, elevating them to the rank of “unique,” “unforgettable,” “one that will never happen again.”
Whatever the reason for the separation, our subconscious may continue to insist that that person was our destiny, our destiny, you just met in the wrong place and at the wrong time.
Such thoughts lead to the fact that we simply cannot love a new partner, we cannot see a future together with him, because he is “not the one.” The worst thing is when the subconscious begins to play its game, rejecting even the best candidates for the role of the new love of life. It acts like a dog loyal to your ex, keeping his master's place.
How to stop being jealous of your ex-husband?
Saying “jealous of your ex-husband” does not mean feeling love for him, we have found this out. Do you think the first need will be to find a “distractor” - a man who will “close the holes” in the soul? No, you don't have to do this at all. It is enough to work on your subconscious, which today, due to the sending of negative signals to your consciousness, prevents you from living. You need to relax your brain and fill it with new content.
- Go out into the social space, start communicating with people on third-party topics;
- Read more news, blogs, delve into the essence and try to pronounce out loud a verdict on what you read or a condemnation of the characters discussed in the text;
- Take up something new for yourself, let it be a developing hobby, for example, puzzles or assembling airplanes (no matter how funny it may sound, it engages your mind, and when you reach the result, you will not notice how the hours have flown by);
- Allow yourself some alcohol (at a minimum volume (1 glass of whiskey per glass of cola), it will contribute to the release of the hormones endorphin and serotonin, which are responsible for a good mood, and will improve blood circulation in the brain);
- Start attending leisure events that you have never attended before (ballet, theater, sports arena);
- Start playing sports (this will strengthen your body and affect brain activity);
- Eat a spoonful of honey on an empty stomach in the morning (fast sugar will instantly start your thinking processes);
- You can try to get training on creating and maintaining a blog, write articles, make videos on YouTube and earn extra money from advertising.
Look for what is good for your brain and body and you won’t notice how someone who will give you true love appears on the horizon!
Why am I jealous of my ex-husband? Blurred consciousness.
How strong are the psychological consequences of divorce, so intensely do you feel the psychological discomfort from the appearance of a new girl with your ex-husband. The confusion comes when you talk about him, go to a page on social networks, or see a couple in person. Why is the reaction like this? You will find the answer in your childhood, remembering moments of unhealthy interaction with your parents (father or stepfather) and peers (boyfriends):
- Parents drilled (they raised them strictly, forced them to perform impossible tasks for adults, punished them for trivial offenses);
- They interfered with the friendship between the daughter and the father (you approached him with a request, a victory, a story, etc., he didn’t care);
- She was often left without parents;
- The mother's husband or father cheated on her, led a riotous lifestyle, became rowdy while intoxicated;
- Between the ages of 12 and 16, you felt attracted to older guys.
Childhood psychological trauma seriously affects relationships with others in adulthood. Reactions to psychostimulants last a lifetime and are subject to correction, either with the help of a psychotherapist, or by severe new shocks, after which rational conclusions are drawn.
The emergence of jealousy
Our past always remains with us, no matter what part of life we go through. When entering into a serious relationship with a person, you should clearly understand that his past is not subject to our adjustment and will remain as it was. Showing jealousy about the past is not only irrational, but also very harmful to new relationships. Constant comparison does not bring any constructiveness into your life. This is an irritating factor for both partners. One cultivates a feeling of guilt for experiencing warm feelings towards his former crush, while the other is furious with jealousy and the inability to snatch pleasant memories from the memory of his loved one. Both do not contribute to the establishment of strong family relationships and have an extremely negative impact on their further development.
Such situations apply equally to both women and men. Despite the status of the stronger sex, guys are no less jealous of women’s past relationships than girls. Jealous lovers return again and again to the humiliating extortion of various intimate details and details of their personal lives with a previous close friend or even a former spouse, although this does not make them feel any better. The one who asks feels mental pain and torment. The one who answers feels guilty about his past, although he does not understand what it is. Both have a hard time with this situation, but they cannot stop it. How to get out of this vicious circle?
