He is the best, I will never feel so great with anyone... When he is not around, I feel bad... I can’t imagine how to live if he leaves me...
This is usually what women say when they are in love with a man.
Test yourself. You are in a dependent relationship if:
- out of fear of losing your loved one, you have to endure his rudeness, anger, betrayal, or simply cold neglect;
- you are seized with panic at the thought of ending the relationship, even if your chosen one has not yet offered to do so;
- You broke up with your loved one, but you can’t cope with the feeling of great loss and depression.
Important!
The tips given in this article are aimed only at getting rid of dependent relationships .
If you don’t want to let go of
your ex-partner, if you were happy with him and passionately dream of reunification, this is the place for you >>>
So, what is a dependent relationship? They can be characterized as the inability of one of the partners to break off the relationship, even when the other partner insists on ending it or causes pain with his indifference and cruelty.
Such love dependence does not bring happiness: the woman does not feel joy and love, but her own inferiority and dislike.
You can try to break off an addictive relationship for years and not make any progress. Or you can get out of love addiction and become a free, happy person.
I will tell you how to overcome dependence on a man. You'll learn about the types of addictive relationships that exist, learn the true story of the disaster that love addiction can lead to, and gain a fantastic tool for breaking free from addiction and reconnecting with your identity.
Here we go?
Four types of dependent relationships
The main reason for love addiction is extremely low self-esteem. It is expressed in the absence of one’s own desires and goals, dependence on the opinions of other people, the inability to refuse a loved one and the fear of loneliness.
Psychologists divide dependent relationships into 4 types.
Dissolution: dependent relationships of the “I don’t exist without you” type
With this type of love addiction, a woman completely dissolves in her partner, lives his life and interests, puts his needs and values at the forefront, forgetting about what she wants and desires.
She perceives a man’s opinion about herself as the ultimate truth, which completely neutralizes her as a person. The same one usually sees only vices and shortcomings in her.
Often such a woman patiently endures humiliation, beatings, threats and betrayals of her loved one.
Absorption: dependent relationships of the “I know better how to” type
This type of dependence on a man is similar to the relationship between dad and child. “Dad” decides for “daughter” what she should look like, who she should communicate with, what she should do. He is the one who knows how to do it and what is best.
A man absorbs and crushes a woman under himself, justifying his control and excessive care with love and care.
As a result, she completely loses her independence and (as in dissolution relationships) is ready to forgive her partner for any inappropriate behavior.
Destruction: dependent relationships of the type “I am your master, you are a nonentity”
This type of dependent relationship is characterized by the ruthless use by the “master” of his “slave,” over whom he has unlimited power.
A man, like a real puppeteer, controls a woman’s reactions and actions, methodically destroying her self-esteem and psyche through manipulation and violence.
The “slave” is told that she is insignificant, stupid, ugly, sick in the head, and therefore is not capable of taking responsibility for her actions.
Mirror: dependent relationships of the “You must love me” type
In such relationships, the woman performs the function of a mirror - she reflects to the man his beautiful image. In other words, he admires, cherishes, cherishes, solves his problems, provides him with love, treats him “correctly”.
He appeals to a woman’s best feelings, clings to pity, throws hysterics, uses blackmail to gain her attention and dog-like devotion. If he doesn’t like something, he demonstrates icy indifference and ruthless criticism.
On the subject: Ideal relationship: dream or reality? Analysis of your situations. Part 4
Do dependence on a partner have characteristic common features?
Before you try to get rid of your addiction to a man, you need to make sure that it really exists. Of course, each case is individual and has its own characterizing nuances. However, psychologists identify a number of common signs, the presence of which in a relationship should cause caution.
Common signs of dependence on a partner include the following:
- self-deception, denial of reality, cultivation of one’s delusions;
- compulsions - rituals observed regularly and thoroughly, this can be any “household tradition”; in the presence of pathology, an error in the order of “conducting the ritual” or neglect of it becomes a real tragedy;
- feelings of guilt or self-hatred;
- belittling one's own importance, falling self-esteem;
- aggression that is difficult to control, anger, rage;
- control, constant provision of assistance without requests for it;
- pressure and decision-making “for two”;
- anticipating needs, thoughts, actions, words or desires;
- pity, anxiety;
- ignoring one's own needs;
- fixation on the interests of the partner;
- problems in the intimate sphere, for example, the inability to relax and “disconnect” from thoughts during intercourse;
- justifying any actions of the partner;
- isolation;
- the habit of “putting in order” the thoughts and feelings of another person.
Of course, not all of these signs are inherent in a specific addiction. For example, a “savior” will make decisions for a man during the day, and at night in bed she will think about whether he is comfortable. The “victim” will become depressed, withdraw into himself, and suffer from feelings of guilt.
What can love addiction lead to?
To understand the catastrophe that dependent relationships can lead to, read the story of a woman who was “stuck” in the first type of dependence on a man—dissolution.
Dissolution in a man. Marina's story
The love story of my friends Marina and Sergei began at an exhibition of contemporary art. Walking around the hall, the young people stopped at a painting that they both liked.
We started talking. It turned out that they had common passions not only in painting.
We exchanged phone numbers. We met. Then again and again... Two months later, Marina and Sergei were already living together in her apartment.
Fascinated by Sergei, Marina did not notice anyone around: she did not answer phone calls, stopped meeting with friends and relatives.
She completely relieved her man of housework, pleasing him in everything, and admired the intelligence and talent of her chosen one. I left my job, giving up my favorite activities.
At first Sergei liked it, then it began to irritate him. He stayed late at work more and more often, coming up with all sorts of excuses. And one day he didn’t come to spend the night at all. True, he came home in the morning with flowers. Marina readily forgave him, without even asking where he spent the night.
Quickly
realizing that Marina was ready to accept anyone, Sergei decided not to spend the night at home, was rude, made trouble, and mocked.
Relatives and friends tried to talk to Marina about their relationship, but she did not see the obvious and idolized her “king.”
Finally the day came when it turned out that Sergei had another lady of his heart. He admitted that he was “sick of Marina’s tolerance and sacrifice” and left her, slamming the door.
So she was left alone with a broken heart and crippled self-confidence. She cried, did not sleep at night, sorting through her “sins and mistakes.” She constantly called her ex-lover, begging her to come back... At first he answered the phone, and then he blacklisted Marina’s number.
On topic: “He left me. How to continue to live?”: Analysis of your situations
Continuous attacks of self-flagellation, pain and suffering due to love addiction led Marina to prolonged depression. From a cheerful woman
she turned into a hunched old woman.
Fearing for her life and health, family and friends sounded the alarm. They took me to the doctor. The latter prescribed a bunch of antidepressants.
One day, while waiting for a doctor’s appointment, Marina accidentally saw herself in the mirror. A casually dressed woman of unknown age with empty, indifferent eyes looked at her. This caused her such genuine horror that she vowed to regain herself.
entered her new life with the understanding that not a single man in the world is worth dying over.
Gradually she got back into shape and found an interesting job. She returned to communication with her friends, remembered how she liked to spend time before marriage.
Periodically I met with Marina and learned news from her. Therefore, she was not at all surprised when she got a new boyfriend. Now they are already married. And in this new relationship, Marina no longer suffers from pathological dependence on a man, because now she loves not only her husband, but also herself. I would even say this: she loves first of all
myself. That is why her love for her husband is harmonious and gives her a lot of happiness.
If you, like Marina, would like to meet new love and build a new wonderful relationship, take the first step towards this right now.
Join Elizaveta Volkova's free master class and learn how to attract the man of your dreams in 35 days.
ATTEND THE MASTER CLASS
How to define boundaries? What do we mean by this?
Many people are familiar with the concept of an office in the house. The presence of such a room is known from films, books, and someone has encountered a similar room in life. What is its essence? The fact that a person is left alone there is his space.
You need to create something like an office for yourself. Select a corner or room in the apartment that no one will enter. There is no need to combine your space with the kitchen or bathroom. It should strengthen self-esteem, and not be something “incidental”.
The interior in this space should be filled with objects related to the woman’s hobbies and interests. These could be books, porcelain dolls, photographic equipment, drawing supplies - anything. And as soon as a feeling of panic, misunderstanding, fear or other negativity arises, you need to start tidying up your space.
This is a very old and effective way to combat addiction to a man, practiced in East Asia.
As for personal boundaries, this is the definition of your zone of responsibility and comfort, into which a man should not be allowed. For example, you can decide for yourself what breakfast or lunch will be like. You can arrange a mini-garden on your balcony on your own and not consult a man when determining plant varieties. However, you need to understand that making independent decisions is not synonymous with selfishness.
How to get out of love addiction
Marina's story ended well in the end. But among my friends there are other examples - when dependent relationships drag on for years without any resolution, or when an abandoned woman cannot get out of depression and get rid of love addiction.
Marina was helped by her unbending intention to change herself. She gradually found everything else - practices, advice, recipes - in self-development books. Some things I liked, some things “didn’t stick.” But the main thing here was the firm decision once made.
Therefore, if you, like Marina once, need help, think about this first.
Are you really ready to choose yourself and your happiness instead of constant suffering and disappointment?
I hope the answer is obvious to you.
So how do you get out of an addictive relationship? I share advice based on Marina’s experience.
Boost your self-esteem
This is perhaps the most important thing. Effective ways to work with self-esteem can be found in the books of American psychologist Louise Hay. For example, try this practice:
Stand in front of the mirror.
Look yourself in the eyes.
Say the following af.
Say it over and over again: “I love and approve of myself.”
Repeat this affirmation at least 100 times a day. Let the words “I love and approve of myself” become your mantra.
Repeat this affirmation every time you pass by a mirror or see your reflection.
If negative thoughts arise, such as: “How can I approve of myself when I’m so fat?” or “It’s stupid to think that I can think like that,” or “I’m not good,” don’t resist them, don’t fight them, don’t judge them. Let them just be.
Focus on what you really want to experience, which is to love and approve of yourself. You can gently let go of all the other thoughts that get in the way and focus on one: “I love and approve of myself.”
Louise Hay
“Become happy in 21 days. The most complete course of self-love"
On the subject: Lesson on the healing power of thought from Louise Hay
Learn to refuse
Often a woman who is dependent on a man is afraid to contradict him, and obediently fulfills all his requests and demands, even when she considers it unnecessary.
Under no circumstances should you unconditionally agree with any opinion of your man, stepping on
the throat of your desires and needs .
First, try to understand what you yourself think about this. Do you agree or not? If not, learn to tell your partner about it firmly. This will give you back a sense of self-respect and responsibility for your life.
Get rid of the fear of loneliness
Leaving an addictive relationship is often hindered by the fear of rejection and fear of loneliness.
Think about this: the most important person on earth is yourself. And you also have family, friends, colleagues who love and respect you. There is God, the Universe, who always help and unconditionally support.
Also, your views and ideas about life can be shared by your favorite artists, writers, musicians, songwriters, and talented contemporaries who are close to you in spirit.
And most importantly, having freed yourself from dependent relationships, you will open your heart to new love and be able to meet your truly one and only.
So what kind of loneliness are we talking about then?
Break the destructive connection
To overcome dependence on a man, you must break off all relationships with him. We are talking not only about physical, but also about energetic connection.
The practice from Stephen Andreas' book "The Heart of the Brain" is a powerful tool for ending destructive relationships. I offer it to you in the form in which I once advised Marina. This is an adapted version of my psychology teacher, NLP master practitioner Ekaterina Khudobina.
Technique “Getting rid of
love addiction ”
1. Sit comfortably. Relax. Imagine your beloved man next to you. How far is he from you?
2. Take two chairs. Place them at the same distance from each other as your man would be. Sit on one of the chairs and mentally place your loved one on the chair opposite.
3. Look carefully at how you are connected to him: are there energy connections between you - ropes, cords, threads? What thickness and color are they? What part of your body, your man's body, is attached to?
4. Identify the positive intention your connection had - joy, safety, love, protection, etc. Tell yourself that you are willing to receive it in a different way.
5. Now mentally pick up the scissors and cut the energy ties connecting you and your man.
6. Thank your partner for giving you the positive things in your relationship.
7. Turn your chair 90 degrees and look into the future - how you come from there, more mature and wiser than now. This is an improved version of yourself. Let her approach you at the same distance as your man on the chair opposite. Establish between yourself today and yourself from the future exactly the same energetic connection that was between you and your man.
8. Determine which conventional anchor sign will allow you to receive the positive things that connected you with your man from yourself in the future. For example, scratch your finger, touch your nose, smile, etc. Use this anchor whenever you remember a man with whom you were in
a dependent relationship .
9. Agree with your future self on a means of communication: how you will “call” this future self. Then allow your future self to turn its back on you and move into the future.
10. Return the chair to its previous position. Look at your man opposite. Take the ends of the energy threads that are left after you cut them. Connect the scraps of your threads with your heart. Scraps of a man's threads - with his heart.
11. Thank your partner for everything that happened between you and let him disappear from this connection.
12. Turn your chair 90 degrees and look into the future again. Again, allow yourself to come from the future - a woman more confident, protected and strong than you are now.
13. Enter mentally into her image, feel complete freedom from love addiction and give yourself the positive that you received from the relationship with your man. Return to your body.
Now you can call up your future self and enter into a more advanced version of yourself whenever you want.
This will give you self-confidence and increase your sense of self-esteem.
On the subject: How to increase self-esteem and increase self-confidence
Developing your coping skills
To properly end your love addiction and ensure that the problem does not return, you need to develop your coping skills. As you may have noticed, the problem can occur because the person does not have enough skills to deal with life's problems or unwanted emotions.
In other words, when people are feeling down, they look for quick painkillers to help them face the pain, and one of the most popular painkillers is love.
Now, even if you have resolved the problem, you may relapse if you do not gain enough skills to deal with the problem.
Learning to stay single
In many cases, relationship addiction occurs because the individual does not have enough emotional capacity to remain single. In other words, as soon as the “addict” finds himself alone, he feels very bad and strives for a new romance.
Now the ability to remain alone can only be achieved if you have studied the psychology of love well, and also know how to properly recover from a breakup without leaving marks in your heart.
When you learn how to recover from a relationship properly, you won't have much of a problem with loneliness until you meet the right person, and as a result, you won't have problems with love addiction.
The best is yet to come!
Even if things are bad for you now and you are stuck in an addictive relationship, don’t despair. You can successfully work with any type of dependence on a man.
There is no point in dwelling on the past if you can find another man and build a new, happy relationship with him.
out how to program yourself a new happy relationship with your ideal husband
here >>>
I hope the tips from this article will help you cope with dependent relationships.
Did you like these practices? Is it possible to regain yourself with their help? Write in the comments.
What is the point of keeping a diary?
This question arises for most Russian women. Women in the West are accustomed to keeping a diary; it is an integral part of their childhood and youth. In Russia there is no such mass tradition.
Meanwhile, keeping a diary is extremely useful. Describing events, thoughts, and sensations that have occurred, a person experiences them again, but this time meaningfully. That is, a woman, taking notes, is aware of her feelings and reactions. In addition, the diary allows you to compare emotions in relationships at different time periods.
Don't fall for manipulation
When we meet a new guy and we really like him, we happily put on rose-colored glasses with a big sign saying “I’m in love” and don’t notice the obvious things that are being done to us. There are men who deliberately behave in such a way that we become attached. It is necessary to monitor such moments.
For example, if a guy took the initiative and was actively involved in the relationship, and then disappeared for several days without a normal explanation, then you should be wary. Especially if this happens more than once.
I have had experience of such relationships. I was a very young girl and was experiencing my first crush, so I fell for such tricks. That relationship was a difficult but rewarding experience for me, and now I judge people’s behavior very strictly.
Healing
“Recovery... is a state where you can love yourself as much as you love others. You are guided by a Power greater than yourself that knows what is best for you. You grow and change. You want love, not need it. Romantic love enriches your life without damaging your self-esteem. Most of the time, you are calm and think clearly when it comes to relationships. You behave adequately and emotionally sober. You don't "love" too much, don't "do" too much for others, or pursue unavailable people. You don't put up with ambivalent people, such as narcissists or seducers, who keep you hooked.
You have studied the topic of healthy relationships and therefore see your goals. To prevent relapse, you surround yourself with people who are recovering. At the same time, you are not inclined to take recovery for granted or stop there, because love addiction is “strong, insidious, confusing” and only waits for the moment when we let our guard down.
And most importantly, you put your well-being above romantic attachments, realizing that romantic love is not enough to be a source of support for you. This kind of love is like a flower without roots. You need love and compatibility with someone who can love you back." [Spelling and punctuation of the original have been preserved. - Ed.]
What else can you read?
— Materials about love addiction on the ALZ website
— Group of love addicts on VKontakte
— Literature on the topic
- M. Beatty. To save or to be saved? How to get rid of the desire to constantly take care of others and start thinking about yourself
- R. Norwood. Women who love too much
- A. Yu. Egorov. Love addictions
— Books not translated into Russian
- Nakken. Addictive Personality
- Peabody. Addiction to Love
— Other books in English
— Books about attachment disorders
- Skeen. Love Me, Don't Leave Me
- Boyce. Insecure in Love
Love or addiction?
Addiction disguises itself very well as love, and the dependent person often does not realize that in fact the feelings that overwhelm him have nothing in common with love. The cult of love that exists in society has developed a long time ago, and the fear of losing newfound love forces the unfortunate to cherish and cherish his feeling of attachment to a person, so that it does not turn out, as in Kuprin’s “Garnet Bracelet,” that true love, which happens only once in a lifetime, if In general, I’ll be lucky to try it, I passed it by. If you are afraid of confusing love and addiction, we suggest you study the comparative table below.
Signs of love Signs of love addiction You feel good together, but being apart is also good: you continue to enjoy life. The beginning of the relationship was wonderful, but now, being apart, you feel discomfort, as if something important is missing, and you are not entirely comfortable together. You experience predominantly positive emotions: joy, inspiration, self-confidence, peace of mind and harmony. It’s not for nothing that they say that “love gives you wings.” Do you feel like your wings have been clipped?
You are filled with jealousy, fears, anxiety, and are in constant tension. You have retained your inner freedom and have views and tastes that are different from those of your lover. You dream of dissolving into the object of your passion. His views and his assessment of you and your actions are of decisive importance for you. When making decisions, you are driven by the desire to receive praise from him, and not by your own position. You are partners, you are equal. One of you is clearly dominant. You are able to create, success accompanies you. You don't belong to yourself. You are unable to concentrate on anything. Failures haunt you. Conclusion: love is constructive. Conclusion: love addiction is destructive.
If, after analyzing the table, you come to the conclusion that what lives in your soul is not a bright feeling of love, but an addiction that is destroying your soul and your life, you need to figure out where it came from and take measures to get rid of the addiction and find peace of mind. Consulting with a psychotherapist may benefit you in this case. However, you can help yourself if you set such a goal for yourself and concentrate on achieving it.
Why is it dangerous to become attached to a man?
Attachment is a manifestation of selfishness. When it arises, a woman begins to constantly make demands and be jealous. She is afraid that she will be abandoned, she tries to do everything for the sake of her partner in order to earn praise. She ceases to identify herself as a person and tends to idealize the person. You can not do it this way. In many ways, a painful attachment to another is similar to addiction. Therefore, we begin to behave inappropriately, and when our partner is not around, we experience withdrawal symptoms.
Men don’t like it when a girl becomes their shadow, while controlling and worrying too much. Therefore, relationships where one partner is attached to the other are doomed to failure. As a result, you will get a difficult breakup, self-dislike and self-esteem below par.
You need to understand that this phenomenon is dangerous, unhealthy and wrong. If you notice signs of attachment in yourself, start working on yourself.
