Healthy relationships are those that bring you joy, ease and good mood. Unfortunately, many couples do not understand the line between tender feelings and manic dependence. If you endure humiliation, beatings, betrayal, considering this normal, because love is above all. When you update your lover’s social network page from morning to evening, don’t let go of the phone in anticipation of a call, and start to get nervous and quarrel if your loved one doesn’t answer for a long time – all this speaks of addiction. In such a union, someone acts as a giver, and someone as a consumer. I will talk about what a psychologically dependent, unhealthy relationship with a person is, and what the science of psychology says about it.
Mechanism and causes of dependent relationships
A girl meets a guy. All thoughts are about him, she dreamily makes plans for the future, buys beautiful underwear and a new dress for dates, cancels a lot of meetings, quarrels with her friends for his sake, puts off training. After a couple of days, he realizes that he has completely charmed his companion and relaxes - he reluctantly answers calls, ignores requests, citing being busy. What happens to the rejected one? She wants to return the expended energy and get attention. The man completely occupies her consciousness, she monitors his social networks and makes claims. All this again wastes resources, and the need for their return increases every minute. In this whirlpool, time, finances, and one’s self are easily lost. It seems that life without this person is impossible.
Causes of addiction:
- lack of courage to stand up for oneself;
- fear of loneliness;
- low self-esteem;
- reluctance to make decisions independently;
- psychological trauma from childhood.
Insulation
Healthy relationships support us and help us grow. Moreover, our life is not limited only to these relationships. In healthy relationships, we maintain family, friendship, and professional connections outside of the relationship. We live our lives to the fullest, communicate with people who are interesting and dear to us, and realize ourselves in areas of life that are important to us, in addition to relationships. We are included in social and professional communities and there is no dilemma before us - family or work, relationships with my wife or with friends. Healthy relationships fit harmoniously into our lives and do not isolate us from other people.
In dysfunctional relationships, we become disconnected from life and lose the ability to find and receive support outside of the relationship.
Gradually, our contacts with other people are reduced to a minimum, supportive family, friendship and professional connections are destroyed, and we find ourselves isolated. This leads to people disappearing from our lives who could support us. Often we cannot share with anyone what is really happening to us in a bad relationship, because we are afraid of feelings of shame, guilt, or simply believe that people will not understand us. This further alienates us from others and increases the feeling of loneliness.
Developmental pathology in childhood
In psychology, the topic of dependent relationships is one of the most pressing. Why can some people keep their distance, remaining independent from their partner, while others completely dissolve in him and his interests? Psychotherapists see childhood trauma as a stumbling block. For example, the baby did not receive the necessary closeness and attention from his mother; he was often pushed away. I constantly had to control my emotions. Such children carry over the desire to receive love and to be noticed into their subsequent relationships in adulthood. They strive to get the missing attention at any cost.
Hierarchy of roles
In a healthy relationship, everything is very simple - they are built on equal terms, from the position of “adult - adult”. Most of the time, participants in such relationships manage to respect their partner and take his opinion into account. In such relationships, we always agree with each other as two independent adults .
Polarization occurs in dependent relationships. We include child-parent roles - one of the partners takes the role of a defenseless and weak child, the second becomes a strong, caring adult.
At first, such a game can be quite pleasant and exciting - the dominant partner feels his power and strength, the subordinate feels comfortable security and no need to decide anything, because the main one will take care of everything. But if such a distribution of roles is consolidated and becomes chronic, then a rigid dominance-subordination hierarchy is built in the relationship. In such conditions, the adult turns into an aggressor, and the child becomes a victim. A strong hand very quickly begins not to protect, but to cripple, because the lower partner has lost the ability to defend his boundaries, and the upper one, without meeting resistance, can no longer cope with uncontrolled aggression. This is how domestic physical violence develops in family relationships and psychological violence in friendly and business relationships.
Why do we all know about addiction?
A person is clearly aware of the attraction to games, drugs or alcohol, and agrees to treatment, but almost never thinks that he is dependent on another person. This type of connection is formed according to the same laws. Your tastes and hobbies become fixated on one object. Moreover, it is not he who becomes important, but the relationship with him. The dependent person constantly experiences a lack of attention, communication, tenderness, care, and cannot imagine himself outside of this union.
The emergence of addiction on the foundation of “love”
It is not difficult to understand that a person is dependent on alcohol. There is a hangover syndrome, a desire to get another dose of alcohol, and neglect of family and work appears. Not everyone can recognize love “pathology”. Yes, you feel emotional heaviness, loss of strength, you are looking for a way to alleviate the condition, but nothing helps, all your interests again converge at the point of the object of longing.
Psychologist Daria Milai
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You cry, get angry, get jealous and wait for prosperity to come. It comes, and you dissolve in euphoria, not realizing that one day of happiness will be followed by weeks of disappointment, psycho-emotional breakdowns, and despair.
How to determine if you have become a hostage in a relationship
Analyze your feelings when you manage to resolve a conflict. A normal person is happy, exhales calmly, happily realizing that everything turned out okay. The addict will not get relief. He did not express what had accumulated in his soul, for fear of making things worse.
How much does your mood depend on the state of your chosen one? For example, you express your dissatisfaction with him (you came late, did the wrong thing, acted unfairly). The other half begins to blame you, raising his voice and humiliating you, fending off breaks with loved ones. You quickly apologize, return the situation back, just so as not to provoke your lover into breaking up.
Dependent relationships are when, under the threat of separation, the partner grows interested in everything, including his own state of health.
The addict believes that the object of dependence, who behaves inappropriately, is to blame for all his troubles. All he has to do is change and everything will work out. Negativity accumulates and results in quarrels. And even when everything is fine, he will find himself immersed in further accusations and discontent.
Even if everything is settled at work, with health, with friends and in other areas of life, the person under the influence feels bad after a quarrel until family relationships improve.
While you're inside
True healthy love is born where two people can, while maintaining their freedom and individuality, find common ground. Of course, you need to adapt to your partner’s schedule, interests, hobbies and hobbies, but in moderation. Live soul to soul, give in to each other, sometimes neglect your principles, but do not dissolve completely in the union, thinking that everything is needed for the sake of love.
Prohibition on awareness and expression of feelings
In a healthy relationship, feelings are normalized and partners can freely talk to each other about their emotional reactions. At the same time, all feelings are legalized - both positive and negative. Partners are able to directly express irritation, resentment, jealousy and other emotions to each other at the moment they experience them , without overly suppressing or ignoring their reactions.
With this approach, negative emotions do not stagnate, but circulate freely in the couple and improve relationships: relying on their emotional reactions and the reactions of the other, partners build boundaries and learn to negotiate. Ideally, this brings more positive experiences to the relationship - it becomes easier for partners to experience and show genuine positive feelings towards each other - love, gratitude, respect, interest, etc.
In dependent relationships, emotions are suppressed. Talking about your true reactions is prohibited or unsafe. An honest conversation about feelings and experiences is perceived as impossible or unacceptable. Moreover, in such relationships there is often a ban not only on expression, but even on awareness of one’s feelings. As a result, partners systematically suppress their emotional reactions, and deposits of unprocessed, unexpressed negative emotions accumulate in relationships. Therefore, from time to time uncontrollable emotional outbursts occur - quarrels, scandals, episodes of violence, etc. However, they do not lead to a real resolution of emotional tension, but only aggravate the situation, since feelings of shame and guilt are added , which, in turn, are also suppressed and further poison the relationship
Is it possible and how to get rid of dependent relationships?
A girl’s life is divided into three categories:
- The first is sincere love, the desire to create a family, the desire to have children, and emotional connections.
- The second is taking care of your self and your pleasures. This includes delicious food, stunning sunsets, quality cosmetics, healthy sleep or watching an exciting movie.
- The third is something that goes beyond the home - achievements, ambitions, the need to be better than others, to self-realize in creativity or career. This is social status and dominance over others.
The problem with many addicted girls is that they are constantly in the first zone, while the other two are completely ignored.
Try looking for yourself by getting a new job or implementing some creative ideas. Believe me, recognition of your personality and pride in your achievements cause no less a rush of endorphins than a kiss from a loved one. At first, all these events will seem unnecessary, insipid and not enjoyable to you. But once you experience the moment of withdrawal, you will begin to look at life from a different angle. Emotional addiction is easier and more realistic to overcome than chemical addiction. Learn to satisfy your needs alone, without the help of a partner.
Traumatized identity
Our “I” is formed in relationships with other people. As one of our teachers, Steve Gilligan, says, “We come into this world through other people.” And not only in the physical sense, when two cells of our parents are connected, but also in the psychological sense - when we are born, we do not yet have a personality, and the task of the first months and years of life is to form an ego and a healthy perception of ourselves. This only happens in contact with other people, primarily with parents and people performing parental functions (grandparents, older siblings, etc.). If we are lucky, and these first relationships were healthy and filled with love and support, then we develop a healthy self and a positive self-image. If we spent the first years of our lives in dysfunctional unhealthy relationships, in which the adults themselves were in a difficult psychological state, then our Self will be deeply traumatized.
Surprisingly, similar processes happen to us as adults , only much slower and not as noticeable. Our Self is not only formed, but also continues to exist exclusively in relationships with other people. This is confirmed by numerous tragic stories of people who remained isolated for a long time - their examples indicate that without human contact the personality is destroyed. Today, psychologists and neurophysiologists know that our Self is not individual, but at least interpersonal - that is, it depends on relationships with important people, and at some level is a direct continuation of these relationships.
Therefore, how the most important people in your life see you affects how you feel about yourself. Simplifying a little, we can formulate this rule as follows. If someone important to you, with whom you have a close relationship, work closely with, or even live in the same area, considers you stupid, then you will begin to become stupid. If you are considered unattractive, then you yourself will begin to be disappointed in your attractiveness and ultimately lose your beauty and charm. If colleagues and management consider you a bad specialist, then everything will start to fall out of hand, and at first you yourself will not understand where your skills and talents went, and then you will be forced to agree with them (unless you get out of this relationship in time).
This is not mysticism, but a field effect based on a phenomenon called “mirroring” in psychoanalysis, and “sponsorship” in third-generation NLP (not to be confused with material or financial sponsorship).
In dependent relationships, we become victims of what is called “negative sponsorship.” We are seen as weak, unattractive, incompetent, incapable of anything - and as a result, if such relationships continue for a long enough time, we ourselves begin to perceive ourselves this way, and this is exactly how we become in reality.
In a healthy relationship, we receive enough support, attention, and acceptance. We call this attitude at the identity level “positive sponsorship.” As a result, we are able to integrate those qualities and resources that another person sees in us, and they begin to manifest themselves in reality and life.
How to leave a love craving
If you understand that your relationship has lost its common sense, and your dependence on a man is increasing every day, in order not to lose your “I”, sign up for my consultation and I will help you get rid of this “illness”. I will also give some tips:
- Free your chosen one from responsibility for his personality: you are upset that for several evenings in a row he has been spending time with friends instead of a romantic date. Stop blaming him, better take care of yourself. Focus on your interests.
- Don’t get hung up on the thought: why hasn’t he called for so long? Think about what actions you take to balance the balance.
- Let go of your fears and worries about losing your boyfriend. This has either already happened or will happen in the future, and you must live here and now.
- Observe yourself and your behavior from the outside. You cannot change your soul mate.
- Learn to give up fleeting pleasures to improve the quality of your life. If he disappeared for several weeks and then suddenly showed up, don’t rush to dress up for a date. Think about whether you need a person who could not make himself known for so long.
- Define your boundaries.
- Try to satisfy your needs without a man. Do you want to be needed? Offer to help your friends, spend time with your children, prove yourself at work.
- If you are unable to help yourself, turn to specialists. Attend thematic lectures or seminars.
Distorted communication
This is a particularly revealing and at the same time difficult to diagnose point for a non-specialist, so we will dwell on it in a little more detail.
In a healthy relationship, communication is direct, open, and honest. In it we interact as adults, independent people, each of whom is ready to accept the position and point of view of the other. At the same time, a significant part of communication occurs about feelings - we designate our emotional reactions and the needs behind them. We talk about what is important to us without trying to overtly or covertly manipulate our partner.
In dysfunctional and dependent relationships, distorted communication is formed. We are not in contact with ourselves and therefore cannot be in contact with others. We do not say what we really feel, we do not directly state our needs, so we can only more or less unconsciously manipulate our partner, trying to “lead” him to the decision or behavior we need. Because we are cut off from feelings, we poorly understand our desires, but we unconsciously strive to realize them, so a split occurs in communication, an indicator of which is the so-called double messages.
A double bind is a communication message in which two conflicting demands, or commands, are simultaneously transmitted. Gregory Bateson was the first to describe double messages. He believed that double messages were the cause of schizophrenia (he even coined the term “schizophrenogenic mother,” referring to women whose communications with their children were replete with double messages). Subsequently, the theory about the determining role of double messages in the development of schizophrenia was not confirmed, but it was found that double messages are an important sign of dysfunctional and destructive relationships. Staying in a relationship built on double messages for a long time leads to stress and chronic psychological trauma (“ongoing trauma”).
So what is a double bind?
This is a situation in which two opposite things are required of us at the same time.
Most of the communication in this case occurs on a non-verbal, semi-conscious level and is, as it were, “implied.” Parts of the message may be partially voiced or not voiced at all, but at the same time they are present in the field and influence the person to whom they are addressed. Some examples of typical double messages: In parent-child communication:
1. “It’s high time for you to become independent and an adult.” 2. “You’re still a child and won’t be able to live without our care.”
In personal relationships: 1. “You should work more to provide for your family” 2. “You should pay more attention to me and spend time with your family”
Or:
1. “You should be a beautiful woman and take care of yourself” 2. “You behave indecently when you allow other men to pay attention to you”
In business:
1. “You always interfere with your proposals and try to control everything” 2. “You are irresponsible when you pay little attention to the project”
The double message has several distinctive characteristics:
1. The two parts of the message contradict each other. This means that it is impossible to fulfill the requirements of one part of the message without violating the requirements of the second.
2. Therefore, no matter what part of the message you follow, you will end up bad in any case. Therefore, each part of the message can be reformulated as follows: “You are bad when...” or “You are bad if...”
“You are bad when you look bad and don’t take care of yourself”
“You are bad when other men pay attention to you”
3. A special insidiousness of double messages is manifested in the so-called paralysis of awareness. It is experienced by a person who has become a victim of a double message. The conflict of demands is repressed, it is impossible to think about it. In other words, it is very difficult to notice a double message if you do not know in advance what features of communication and relationships need to be paid attention to.
4. It is impossible to talk about a double message with the one who broadcasts it to us. In this sense, sometimes a third part of the message is highlighted - an unconscious prohibition on an honest discussion of what is happening: “You are bad when you try to talk to me about my double message.”
How does psychotherapy help?
Our consciousness is designed in such a way that we contemplate the picture only within ourselves, and the three-dimensional scheme of what is happening can only be analyzed by a person from the outside. In addition, many people are in complete denial of the problem. A woman can be so mired in an unsuccessful relationship that she does not see another life and does not suspect that she is partly sick.
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Dependence on a man does not come suddenly; it forms at an early age, due to the corresponding situation in the family.
Poor internal condition
In a healthy relationship, we are in good health most of the time. We experience mostly positive emotions towards our partner - love, gratitude, tenderness, respect, etc. However, this does not mean at all that we are not upset at all or do not quarrel with our partner. Quite the contrary, the ability to defend your position, express aggression, conflict and constructively resolve conflicts are all characteristics of a healthy relationship. In such relationships, emerging conflicts and crises are not ignored, but are resolved in a timely manner, which allows the relationship to develop and move to a new level.
In dependent relationships, most of the time we are in a bad state - depressed, depressed, anxious, embittered. At the same time, due to the influence of previous factors (confused responsibilities, blurred boundaries, a ban on awareness and expression of emotions, double messages, etc.), it is difficult for us to differentiate our feelings and correlate them with needs. In other words, we feel bad, but we don’t understand what exactly we feel and we don’t understand why. All a person can do in this state is sleep for days or engage in routine unproductive activities.
However, when considering dysfunctional relationships as a cause of depression or other mood disorder, it is necessary to exclude the influence of hormonal or other physiological factors, so in such cases it is necessary to consult a doctor. However, it should be taken into account that with prolonged exposure to psychogenic factors, the hormonal background and biochemistry of the body are gradually restructured, therefore, with affective disorders in long-term dysfunctional relationships, psychological factors influence physiology, and physiology reinforces the negative emotional state and prevents psychological factors from being overcome. A vicious circle is formed, leading to a state of “learned helplessness.”
How to live if you broke up
After a breakup, you are sure that you will never be as happy again. Your reasoning and thoughts are directed towards the reasons for the breakup and analysis of other possible scenarios. You come up with excuses for yourself, you think that you will change. You are at a dead end, from which, in your opinion, there is only one way out - a return to the previous union.
Start by understanding yourself, not your partner.
The heightened consciousness is reinforced by the feeling that the person who at least sometimes brought joy is no longer with you. You are broken and lack a dose of communication with your ex. There is no need to go through all the options on how to get him back, even if you are ready to tolerate his worst actions. Let go of old experiences and boldly step into a new future, where there will be a sincere smile on your face.
A little test
To finally recognize dependence in a relationship, I suggest taking a test related to personality psychology:
- Do you really experience real tender feelings? Perhaps your intentions are driven by jealousy, possessiveness, or memories? If love has passed, and only habit remains, feel free to start a new life without him.
- Are you enraged and even annoyed by your partner’s qualities? Let go. People don't change, and you won't accept it.
- Have you been betrayed more than once? Don't believe that this time was the last.
- Does he cheat, drink, hit? He is womanizer? Drunkard? If you still want to be with such a person, seek help from a specialist.
- Have you become uninterested in being together for a long time? It’s unlikely that anything will change if your views on life are too different, what to talk about?
- Are you not suitable for each other in bed? We definitely need to break up. The problem will sooner or later begin to emerge, interfering with the development of the union.
Blurred Boundaries
In healthy relationships , we are sensitive to our partner's psychological and physical boundaries and are able to assert our own boundaries. We sense in time when our actions or words cross the boundaries of what is acceptable for another person. At the same time, we ourselves have a good sense of our boundaries and are able to say “no” at the moment when we don’t like what the other person is doing or saying. This principle works the same in all areas. In the area of sexual relationships, this is the ability to say “no” in a timely manner if a partner suggests something that does not suit us. In business, this is our ability to defend our point of view in relations with a business partner.
In dependent relationships, boundaries become blurred. We lose the ability to understand where my territory ends and the territory of another person begins. A merger is formed , in which we often follow one of two scenarios: we either sacrifice our needs and independence and lose the ability to say no, and then our boundaries are systematically violated; or we ourselves, without meeting resistance, increasingly violate the boundaries of another person and deprive him of the right to independence. These destructive processes develop gradually and can go very far, even to the point of complete loss of boundaries.
Tip 3 – find something to do without a partner
When basic knowledge about yourself is obtained, a favorite activity appears, which does not have to be shared with a partner. Yes, collaboration is great. But each of us has our own unique hobbies. If a wife enthusiastically collects puzzles, and her husband despises this activity, this is not a reason to leave him. You can simply surrender to this pleasure without his participation. In the meantime, he will watch football or play Hearthstone.
