- December 6, 2019
- Psychology of relationships
- Andrey Raiter
Romantic passion does not always bring people happiness and a sense of inner harmony. If feelings are unrequited or have no prospects for development for other reasons, they can bring their carrier a lot of internal experiences and anxieties, even mental illness. Both men and women find themselves in such an unpleasant situation. But in the second group, in conditions of long-term formation of love, there is a risk of deep immersion in dreams of a wonderful partner, which can ultimately develop into obsession.
Therefore, women and girls who find themselves in such a situation should rightly have a question: how not to get hung up on the man you like? It is obvious that there is intense work to be done on oneself, but initially it is necessary to set it in the right direction. Only in this case can one count on successfully resolving internal disharmony.
Features of female love affection
First, it’s worth understanding why this problem may be more acute for women than for representatives of the stronger half of humanity. The difference lies in the very mechanics of the formation of love. For men, this process happens faster, easier and simpler, since they take everything into their own hands, like conquerors. In addition, the male sex, as is known, “loves with his eyes,” so feelings for his beloved usually do not have a tight connection in the early stages. Accordingly, it is easier for them to let go of the object of love.
In the case of women, the process of forming feelings is more complex and multifaceted. They feel their partner more subtly, trying to evaluate him by his internal qualities and actions. Therefore, the value of the feeling that arises also increases. And if a woman is fixated on a man, then parting with an attachment that has developed for so long and difficultly will be much more difficult. That is why, at the first signs of a feeling of hopelessness in a love story, it is recommended to immediately begin working on the natural destruction of the slightest dreams about the partner you like.
Talk about love
The human brain is easily suggestible. When people are in a bad mood and forcefully smile at their own reflection in the mirror, their mood improves. When they jump on the spot or dance, they become more fun. The same trick can be performed with extinguished feelings.
If you constantly mentally remind yourself of your feelings for your husband, your brain will believe you and love will return. More often, immerse yourself in memories of the best moments together and tell your chosen one about your love. Such confessions will cause a surge of feelings and stimulate the partner. To justify trust, he will try to make pleasant surprises more often and give joy.
Talk about love: Pexels
Recognizing fixation in the early stages
Being inspired by the pleasant feeling of falling in love is quite natural for all people. But as soon as it turns into a painful concentration of attention on the object of love, this is the first sign that the emotional attachment to the person needs to be broken.
A woman in such a state may strive for constant control over a man, demand increased attention from him to herself, and at the same time ignore the personal interests of her partner. What is also important: her life in various manifestations loses its relevance and fades into the background. How not to get hung up on a man at this stage? If little time has passed, it makes sense to simply exclude such a person from your attention. A sober look at assessing the situation will help with this.
Fixing the problem
As soon as signs of obsession with a person have been recorded, the first thing you should do is confront yourself with the fact that there is a problem. Already by this moment you need to realize that life essentially began to belong to your lover, and this does not promise happiness. One can only expect vain sacrifice from such a relationship. In addition, a partner can take advantage of this position of a woman who has fallen in love with him for selfish purposes, which should also be thought about.
And again it’s worth returning to the question of how to stop obsessing over a man? The psychology of relationships suggests that such attachment can be compared to a severe bad habit, the craving for which is constantly fed. Without your loved one, there is a feeling of withdrawal, like a hangover, so you shouldn’t prepare for the easy way out. Further work will be hard, but it must be done first of all for your own sake.
Give free rein to feelings
Trying to completely lock yourself in a cocoon of experiences will be wrong. Since fixation on a man is in itself a powerful source of energy, it needs to be released with the same force. Concentrated feelings of pain, resentment and even anger should be released. The best way to do this is through tears, screams and even hysterics. Moreover, this must be done intentionally and regularly. This outburst of emotions is necessary to make room inside for new feelings and sensations.
If you are fixated on a man and feel only bright emotions towards him, this is a reason to look for negative aspects associated with him. They will definitely be found and they need to be emphasized, as well as pleasant moments, because of which there is a feeling of loss of one’s happiness.
Don't accumulate grievances
According to psychology professor Pavel Rakov, the reason for the cooling of feelings can be hidden grievances and understatements between partners. A man may not even realize that a woman is experiencing mental pain because of some of his misconduct. Tell us about the problem that is bothering you, ask direct questions, explain what you are not happy with and why.
Restrain your emotions, speak in a calm tone, remember that the purpose of the conversation is to return love, and not to worsen the relationship. “I-messages” will help avoid an accusatory tone in the dialogue. Listen to the other side, find a joint solution to the problem, forgive grievances and start building new open relationships. If you can’t deal with grievances on your own, consult a psychologist.
Keeping your distance
After processing your emotional state, you can begin to take specific actions towards your lover. For example, how not to get fixated on a man if he is in the access zone and does not avoid contact? The first thing to do is remove all possible contact paths. The more direct connections there are, the stronger the need to think about it.
At the same time, indirect irritants that will remind you of the person you like should also be eliminated. If there are gifts, things, photographs and other items that are directly associated with the object of love, it is also recommended to get rid of them.
This recipe may seem cruel, but you can’t do without it. Memories are the very fuel for illusory plans for a happy future that will not happen. Moreover, in questions about how not to get hung up on a man with whom you have already had a relationship, a dilemma regarding the possibility of friendship often comes up. For many women, friendships seem to be the optimal and painless way out of such situations. There will be no more love attachment, but there will not be a complete break either. However, this approach is also undesirable. As psychologists' studies show, a friendship within which there is sympathy on at least one side will interfere with both in building other relationships.
Why are you fixated on the wrong man?
Emotional dependence is a common phenomenon that many people mistake for intense love. But it’s one thing when the relationship is mutual, another thing when it’s one-sided. Make no mistake: interest and obsession directed towards an indifferent man is a cause for concern in any case. There are no exceptions to the rule.
At a young age, many people really like the alluring feeling of unrequited love. Because in fact, you want to experience vivid emotions, and not build relationships that require investments and real actions. It’s another matter when the “youthful” period has dragged on, and your love experience is filled with exclusively dramatic stories that can be used to write a pulp novel.
The need for an inaccessible object of passion should be considered an addiction, because it is always accompanied by obsessive thoughts “about him” from morning to evening. The essence of such emotional dependence is not much different from chemical dependence: a person falls out of social life, noticeably regresses - loses himself in every sense. Serious fixation does not go away on its own; it requires resources, will, and the desire to help yourself. But, unfortunately, practice shows that in addiction a person behaves like a real drug addict and he cannot do without outside help. What are the reasons that you are always drawn to the wrong direction?
You love to suffer
There may clearly be something hiding behind this “love”. You probably like the sufferer position because it protects you from something. If you look at the childhood of a person with a victim mentality, it will most likely turn out that his achievements or merits were not paid attention to. He often felt hurt and humiliated. The “victim” does not know how to enjoy life, because she always and everywhere has to “survive,” even when the conditions around her are favorable. The “victim” scenario is formed even earlier - in very early childhood, when the child does something typical of his capabilities and development, but receives negative feedback and criticism. It turns out that he is to blame for something that is part of his nature and happens against his will. If these thoughts resonate with you, it is very likely due to the presence of a victim complex. It extends to all areas of life, especially love, where you want to experience familiar emotions again and again and always be the one who did something wrong.
You don't like your own life
Any addiction is a departure from reality. By choosing a difficult and thorny path (for example, the wrong man), you distract yourself from your own life. Everyday life seems uncomfortable and boring, but “problem solving” brings meaning and gives energy. Again, the main question is different: not why are you running away from yourself, but why do you choose this particular way of life? The most common reason is low self-esteem. Dissatisfaction with oneself forces one to turn to others, and, of course, this has nothing to do with love or even sympathy. This is absolute survival and a twisted way to find yourself.
Associations with a father figure
A very common story is when girls look for a father in a man, not a partner. And since the father figure is not available for love relationships, it turns out that the object is “somehow different” and with him there are only difficulties, obstacles and struggles. Indeed, many girls in childhood have to fight with their mothers for the attention of their fathers, but, unfortunately, many of them continue this scenario throughout their lives. Hence the triangles, affairs with married people, the roles of mistresses and other not the most healthy forms of personal life. Girls who grew up without fathers also tend to look for them all their lives, without knowing it. Of course, it also happens that the relationship “father and daughter” eventually develops, but sooner or later the girl grows up and she has a desire to still be a woman next to a man, despite all the delights of existence with a caring father.
You don't like a man, but some of his features
Obsessive attachment to an object often hides the fact that we discover some pleasant features or characteristics in it. The irony is that we ourselves have these traits, but we do not recognize them in ourselves or do not allow ourselves to have them. Try to describe the object of love to your friend or psychologist in detail and in colors. Surely they will see some similarities with you. For example, you clung like a ban leaf to an unavailable man, because you are sure that there is no other like him. What other? Possessing a number of certain properties, right? Name them. And then look at this list for yourself.
There are no other men around
It often happens that we cycle towards Vasya from work, because there are no more men on the floor. Or on Petya from the group, because there are only girls in the stream. Or Kolya looked after you so beautifully, so you just can’t forget him. It happens that obsession actually has no serious reasons and is associated with banal laziness. Then you should get out of your own comfort zone and look around. Yes, it’s nice to choose the easiest path - the one where there is proven Kolya with beautiful bouquets of flowers. But still, if you want to improve your personal life, you will have to take some steps too, and not sit and wait, remembering past boyfriends. Admit to yourself that you may not want to deal with your personal life just yet. And there's nothing wrong with that. Then you won’t have to focus on anyone in order to somehow justify your inactivity.
You are projecting past experiences onto the new man.
Women on the verge of divorce or after it, not realizing their true stress about this, shift their attention from the object of lost love to some other one. As a rule, the first one available. And they begin to suffer, experience mental anguish and torment. The reason is that for some reason you cannot experience all these feelings with a real, existing partner, but in order to somehow express them, you need an object for such containment. The psyche never does anything wrong; it will always find a way to fulfill its needs. So if on the eve of the onset of your addiction you were in a relationship, then try to look at “new love” from this angle.
Is it possible to get rid of emotional attachment that brings suffering?
Yes, if you take it upon yourself to admit the existence of addiction and understand why you need it. What are you running from or what are you hiding behind it - boredom, pain, self-doubt, weaknesses, unwillingness to take responsibility? Secondly, be sure to work on your self-esteem and self-worth. It cannot be that another person is superior to you. You shouldn't be harming yourself by humiliating yourself or wasting your time. Any addiction is associated with an unmet need for acceptance and unconditional love. And you are already able to help your inner child yourself, enjoying and enjoying life. On one's own. And not through painful relationships or the bad habit of suffering. Build up your “muscles” in every sense of the word, then the need to fight against a closed door will disappear by itself. Together with her, a desire will arise to take care of yourself and choose completely different scenarios, no longer claiming to be a boulevard novel, but to a real and exciting film about lifelong love.
Ways to relieve pain
So, all contacts are deleted and life is organized in such a way that the object of affection will no longer remind of itself with its appearance, voice and messages. There is no need to look for new meetings, thoughts about which will still arise.
There will be fewer reasons to think about him, but the internal pain still lives and, perhaps, will increase due to the breakup. How not to get hung up on a man, but at the same time soften the pain of losing him completely? It is necessary to speak out and talk through your experiences. If in the first stages we were talking about an emotional outburst, then in this case it is necessary to express specific feelings associated with the current situation.
You can use a personal diary as a tool for pouring out your soul, regularly writing down in it those feelings that haunt you. But it’s even better if you have the opportunity to tell close friends and girlfriends about what’s happening. Such conversations do not fundamentally change the situation, but they improve the psychological state.
Take your mind off your thoughts
Go to a club or an exhibition where there will be other people and you can communicate with diverse personalities, maybe you will meet there an even better man who will win your heart. Everything happens in our lives, and even such accidents are natural, whoever believes in them. Thoughts are material.
Read more: How to get out of your comfort zone?
For introverts, a suitable way to register on a dating site and chat with men, but be prepared, not all of them are “Alpha Males” and you will have to try to find a suitable man.
And then there is Speed Dating, which you have seen in foreign films, where people move from table to table and communicate with each other for 5 minutes and then arrange meetings with the candidates they like. I personally didn’t take part in such events, but I think it’s very cool to have fun in this way
You just need to get distracted, to be honest, this method is unlikely to help just like that, without following the recommendations described above, but nevertheless, if everything is not so bad for you, then just getting distracted will help.
How to fill life without your beloved man?
The next step will be practical activities aimed at changing lifestyle or habits. How not to get hung up on a man if all your attention is focused only on him for a long time? These thoughts can be crowded out by specific regular activities, work, hobbies, hobbies, and spending leisure time with the same friends. During this period, you cannot stay in a confined space without any distracting ways to spend your time. If such classes have never happened before, this is a great reason to start them. A busy life with all its worries and tasks will help take attention away from your lover.
Searching for new love
Due to the instability of the emotional state in the first time after a breakup, it is not recommended to immediately start a new relationship. In this state, it is impossible to build a full-fledged love relationship, since the partner will have to deal with problems that do not concern him. However, this step is something to keep in mind if you're fixated on a man. How to get rid of the feeling of inadequacy and inferiority that will certainly arise if a man does not reciprocate? Of course, only a new partner will help with this, whose love will become a kind of healing factor. But, again, you should open up to new love relationships some time after the old man has been crossed out.
The most terrible way
It consists in talking to this person, confessing your thoughts to him. It must be very scary to admit your feelings to another person, I went through this myself, my hands and legs were shaking violently, I still remember. The main thing is to understand for yourself, what if you think about a man and he, in turn, thinks the same about you? Is this possible? So ask him.
If a man answers negatively, you will be upset, as the emotion “I was rejected” will appear and you will understand for yourself how the man treats you, why regret all your life that you were afraid and did not ask at the time. So, what is better, to live in fantasy or to be a little realistic in order to understand the attitude towards yourself?
In our society, it is not accepted when a girl makes the first step and any girl thinks that the man himself would take the initiative. You know, it seems to me that this is an outdated strategy that only brings suffering and a large number of divorces after the wedding. While the girl waits for the man she likes to show initiative, she will be taken away by another man who is more proactive and persistent. But will the girl be happy? Time will show.
