How to let go of the past and not lose the present: the opinion of a psychologist

Seven tips on how to stop living in the past will not be included in this article.

“Stop thinking about the past, recognize the problem and understand that it has passed. Nothing can be changed, live in the present” - this is similar to the recommendation to anoint a fracture with brilliant green. It’s like telling a champion track and field athlete: “Stop running, bake a cake and sit down to write a biology essay.”

If you are stuck in the past, then the many tenacious claws of memories hold you tightly. They are not allowed into the future, they are not allowed to live.

Taking the first step out of this captivity is to find the reasons for your situation - this is what the article is about.

X-Men

An obsession with the past is not characteristic of all people, but only of those who at birth were endowed with special mental properties - a focus on the past coupled with phenomenal memory. These properties were given to them in order to preserve and pass on the experience of previous generations.

Each person receives individual talents at birth; they are needed so that people in adulthood can realize them in society. Some paint pictures, some design buildings, and some embody the properties of soul and body in the creation of artificial intelligence.

Only people whose talents are aimed at the continuity of generations fall into the trap of the past. It is for this task that their inner world is tailored. If not for them, humanity would be doomed to reinvent the wheel every time. Thanks to this part of people, knowledge and experience are accumulated, analyzed, processed and served to the new generation on a silver platter.

That is why the past is of great importance to them, it is their value. The peculiarity of the perception of the world is “it was better before.” The water was wetter and the grass was greener.

To accumulate knowledge, they are given an excellent memory - otherwise they will not be able to remember large layers of information. As children, they are often ideal students: diligent, receptive to information and very diligent - they strive to do any task perfectly. Perfectionists grow up from such people. The work is done slowly, but conscientiously and efficiently. They can be annoyed when they see that someone is doing work in a hurry, somehow: “Well, who does that!”

They are attentive to details, this can be clearly seen in their speech - it is replete with numerous details.

Caring husbands and wives, good parents are also about them. Family values ​​are among life priorities. They respect traditions, because this is also a kind of continuity.

The kings of working with information - they have no equal in its processing, analysis and systematization.

All these mental features help them perfectly perform their task - to collect and accumulate skills, knowledge, and information. And they can play cruel jokes with them if they are used for other purposes.

Ideally, people with a systematic way of thinking make excellent professionals and experts, analysts and historians, archaeologists and teachers. In a word, they belong to all areas where they can professionally apply their talents: this is the reception and transmission of information over time.

The snake bites its tail

But not everyone is able to realize the innate properties of soul and body for the benefit of society. They are not always obvious to us. Unfortunately, the maternity hospital does not issue a plate with a list of talents. Therefore, we often follow other people's desires - the unfulfilled dreams of our parents, for example, or pseudo-success imposed by advertising. At the same time, true, natural talents remain out of work. But they exist and must work.

If a person does not have social or professional fulfillment, he begins to analyze himself. More precisely, your past. He remembers events well, in detail, the experience is present, his gaze is directed to the past dear to his heart. And off we go. Endless soul-searching, self-flagellation, chewing on the same situations for months and years.

How can you do this? For what? What did I do wrong? I am everything and nothing to me. It's not fair!

Getting stuck in the past occurs because the properties of the psyche are directed towards oneself.

The snake bites its tail.

I'm haunted by the past

“Every person has his own necklace of life,

consisting of black and pink beads..."

/Eastern wisdom/

From a very early age I was interested in the question - why do people live in the past?

The older I got, the more I was concerned about the problems of existence - I had to survive in a harsh world, earn money. I forgot who I used to be. Thoughts were confused, jumping like flames. Peace and happiness were only in the past...

I dreamed of going back, but I could live in the present - friendship, love. In my youth, the future was seen in bright colors, but at that moment there was only an emptiness ahead that had nothing to fill.

Why did I come into this world? For what purposes? I definitely had them in my youth, but I lost them along the way. They scattered and rolled away like beads on a child's necklace. It seemed to me that I would never collect them. I was afraid of everything and everyone.

And most importantly, the future was very scary...

Opening the toolbox

The psyche of people for whom the past is more valuable than the present is stable, clumsy and resembles a square. This is so that thoughts do not jump back and forth, but process information evenly and painstakingly.

The mental arsenal of born analysts includes the ability to generalize and accumulate experience, the desire for perfection, and the talent to find and correct errors. And also a heightened sense of justice.

Don't come near me, I'm offended

Justice takes a special form for them - everything should always be equal. Give earrings to everyone equally, to all sisters. If I give something away, I want to get back the same amount. And if it seems to a person that he is giving more than he receives, or there is an uneven distribution of something, his balanced psyche is distorted. A discomfort arises called “NOT-GO-DAL!”. Moreover, we are not only talking about material things - this can include any categories: attention, respect, understanding, praise.

I did a conscientious job and did not receive recognition from my boss - it’s an insult.

I take care of my family day and night, and in response there is not a word of gratitude - resentment.

I host my husband’s relatives every year for a week, but they didn’t let me spend the night—it’s an insult.

Over time, grievances accumulate, swell like a lump of slippery brown algae, and pull to the bottom. You get stuck and flounder in this sticky quagmire. And life no longer brings any pleasure. There is no normal life. There is me and my personal quagmire, entangled in bad experiences, grievances and mistakes of the past that can no longer be corrected. And there it is, my endless personal swamp.

Fill with concrete

Remember the joke about how the rich man and the poor man shared three wishes from the Goldfish? The rich man asked to remove all the poor from his living space, leaving only the elite equal in status there, and to surround this living space with a high fence so that no rogues could reach him. The poor man, in turn, asked the Goldfish to fill the pre-fenced space with concrete. It sounds rough, but sometimes you have to use rough methods to get results.

If nothing helps you get away from thoughts about the past, simply concrete the sarcophagus of your negative memories, forming layers of new positive impressions. You may first just have to forcefully remember that you once wanted to sign up for dancing or boxing, and go to the fitness center next weekend to find out the cost and schedule of classes. Remember that you dreamed of seeing the zoo in Berlin - by the way, one of the best in the world - and start planning a trip to Germany. Yes, just do physical labor, which in itself distracts from bad thoughts.

Maybe you should join some online community of interests, for example, photographers, musicians, chess players, and start communicating there. Many such online parties eventually go offline. Therefore, when such an opportunity arises - and it will definitely appear - you can go to a chess tournament, a music festival, or a photo exhibition in a new city.

And a few more words about your social circle. Look around carefully - maybe there is someone next to you who constantly reminds you of the difficult moments of your past? Maybe even out of a good desire to sympathize and support? If so, thank them and say that you no longer need such sympathy. If, under a good guise, there is an energy vampire hiding who needs your suffering, refer to your busyness and begin to gradually reduce the time of toxic communication.

Am I to blame?

Resentment has a looking glass. The feeling of guilt lives there.

There is nothing wrong with feeling guilty. Guilt can push you to take the necessary actions if it is adequate. If you caused harm to another, you apologized and corrected what you had violated.

What if I realized my guilt too late and the people who were harmed no longer exist? Or does a person feel guilty for everything in the world, including the Flood?

Sometimes a person is overcome by a false sense of guilt. When nothing can be corrected or there is nothing to correct. An even psyche begins to skew in the opposite direction - there is a debt, it is impossible to repay. And new threads are woven in the sticky web of the past.

How to stop living in past relationships?

Perhaps many people ask themselves this question, especially women. Each has its own story, but it ended the same way - with separation. And then the woman begins to analyze the situation, to think that she did something wrong

It is important to understand one truth: even if you made a mistake somewhere (and since responsibility for the relationship lies with both partners, you should not blame only yourself), the past cannot be returned. However, it gave you an invaluable gift - experience

Now you will think several times before making a similar mistake.

There is no need to kill yourself for a man who left you. If this relationship brought you only joy and pleasure, thank him mentally and let him go in peace. If the result was constant quarrels and misunderstandings, you should thank the Universe that it was all over. Because things would only get worse further. Gradually you would hate each other.

People are forced to constantly improve spiritually. And it is precisely the failed relationships with the opposite sex that suggest what exactly we are doing wrong. Perhaps you are too dependent on your partner? In this case, it’s time to make an effort to learn to live in harmony with yourself, and not look for replacement in another person. The first thing you need to understand is that past relationships are experiences that made you a more whole and thoughtful person. And they were sent to you precisely for this purpose. It couldn't have been any other way. And your life goes on. And it continues here and now.

And experience, the son of difficult mistakes

Another hook that can firmly hold you in the past is a fixed first bad experience. It is joined by an instrument of the psyche, given for good, but which, if used incorrectly, works for harm - the ability to generalize.

It is given to systematize knowledge and skills. In the absence of realization in society, a person begins to generalize his own negative experience. Plus is fixed on it. For example, the first pure love ended sadly, the girl preferred another. A generalization occurs: I was betrayed by one, which means that all women in the world are liars. And that’s it, now he can’t create any relationships, he’s afraid, he doesn’t trust. He now knows for sure that all women on planet Earth are equally bad.

And all because of the necessary and useful function of thinking, which was given for something completely different. More precisely, for others. In order to benefit other people through realization and be happy yourself. A person is satisfied with life only when he fully realizes his natural abilities for the benefit of society.

How to learn to live in the present? The future depends on it

Do you want to feel alive? Yoga and other eastern practices will help. Having learned to control your own body and breathing, you will be able to put your thoughts in order.

Learning to live in the moment is incredibly helpful. As a result, a person begins to feel that he belongs to what is happening. I felt that my place was here and now.

Creativity turned out to be my salvation!

Such activities reflect our inner world. By creating something new, a person comes to life and begins to understand his purpose.

The Necklace of Life consists of varying numbers of pink and black beads. Some people only have them black or pink. Some have only a few pink beads, the rest are black. There are no people on earth with the same set of beads.

You can simply wear your NECKLACE OF LIFE with dignity. Or you can try changing the set...

The Mystery of the Blue Room

There is an eloquent experiment that shows how the focus of attention affects the perception of the world.

A person is asked to go into a room and remember as much as possible all the blue objects. A few minutes later he comes out and is asked to list all the things that are brown. A person is lost - he cannot remember a single one. But in reality there are almost more brown things in the room than blue ones.

It’s the same in life. Those stuck in the past tend to remember only the negative, and the positive moments are drowned among the unpleasant memories. The focus is not where it needs to be.

What to do?

Is this a familiar story? Don't despair! You will probably need the help of a psychologist. Or find a self-help group of people with similar problems.

But I perked up and decided to act on my own!

Make a list of your fears

The first thing I did was put my fears on paper. Everything, even childish and completely ridiculous! In this way I managed to get rid of many phobias.

Try to look into the past

People who live in the past idealize it too much. I tried to mentally return to the situations and places I wanted to go to again. It turns out that not everything was cloudless then... Remembering the unpleasant moments, I said goodbye to the idealized image.

One mistake, two mistakes...

Perfectionism. Is it good or bad?

Bringing any undertaking to perfection is an indicator of professionalism. Inaction due to fear of making mistakes, of not doing it perfectly enough, is a path to nowhere.

Once upon a time, perhaps in childhood, you made a mistake. You were scolded, punished, ridiculed for it. You remembered this and got another thread in the web. Mistakes of the past, especially emotionally charged ones, are recorded and endlessly replayed in the head. There is a fear of disgracing yourself in the present. You retreat into imaginary safety—inaction.

“What if it doesn’t work out again? How will I look people in the eyes? Shame, disgrace. It’s better not to start.”

Instead of living life to the fullest, realizing their innate talents, a person constantly replays the same unpleasant thoughts and pictures in his head, with details and details. The exhausting mental stirrer has been launched. There is no time for life, there is something else in the head, a person analyzes himself, systematizes, generalizes.

When should you consult a psychotherapist?

In most cases, you can cope with dependence on the past on your own. However, there are situations when you cannot do without the help of a specialist. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a severe reaction that occurs due to traumatic events.

This is not a character trait at all, but a painful condition that torments a person. Only a doctor can diagnose it. PTSD requires professional treatment. For a person with this disorder, terrible memories from the past arise involuntarily. They force him to relive those terrible events.

PTSD is also called military syndrome because it is common among combat veterans. The disorder can also occur as a result of:

• death of a loved one;
• car accidents;
• plane crashes;
• rape;
• physical and emotional bullying;
• poverty and hunger.

Moreover, this disorder can occur not only in someone who has experienced terrible moments, but also in someone who simply saw it all with his own eyes. The main symptoms of PTSD are:

• intrusive unpleasant memories;
• isolation;
• detachment;
• difficulties in communicating with people and building close relationships;
• causeless anger;
• restless sleep.

If you notice such symptoms in yourself, seek help from a psychotherapist. It will help you leave painful memories in the past and start living a calm and fulfilling life again.

Finally, I recommend watching a short video that will motivate you to let go of the past.