Author of the article: Anna Aleksandrovna Narushevich Consultant psychologist, adolescent psychologist, family psychologist. Practical work experience: 15 years.
Oscar Wilde said: “He who looks back on his past does not deserve a future.” And this is not just one of hundreds of spectacular aphorisms of the famous writer. It contains the truth of life. The way we perceive the past directly affects our future. And no matter what exactly catches us in the past - bad or good, this anchor in any case prevents us from being happy here and now. Therefore, it is very important to be able to let go of the past and live in the present.
Why the past won't let you go
Family psychologist and coach Tatyana Brain identifies several reasons:
Resentment. Hidden grievances do not allow us to live peacefully here and now. The words and actions of our offenders constantly come to mind. Mentally we are trying to prove something to them, explain something, and conduct dialogues. We continue to reopen old wounds that take away a lot of our strength and joy from living in the present.
To overcome resentment you need to get rid of its four components:
- A hurt sense of justice.
- Self-pity.
- Anger towards the offender.
- Unjustified expectations.
Guilt. We constantly remember our mistakes for which we are responsible or burn with shame for the past. But self-flagellation is the road to nowhere. Consider mistakes made or missed opportunities as good life experiences that taught you a lot. If you have the opportunity to ask for forgiveness from those who have suffered misfortune, ask.
Pity for yourself or other people. Being in a state of victim, a person constantly whines, complains about an unhappy life and injustice. The victim's position is to attract attention to oneself or to shift responsibility for one's misfortunes onto others.
Fear of an unknown future. A person is scared that in the future he will need to adapt to something new, change his habits, his life.
Therefore, he lives in the memories of the past, where everything is known and familiar.
Why is it so hard
What we spend our energy on, both positive and negative, accumulates over time.
If you dwell on pain, regret and guilt, they will continue to haunt you. If you focus on happiness and joy, you will notice that there is more of it in your life. You've probably had situations in your life when you tried to get rid of stress, but as a result you started to get even more nervous. Or they wanted to calm down, but found even more reasons to worry.
The same thing happens when we try to let go of the past. Until we completely shift our attention to something else, we will continue to suffer from painful memories.
How to let go of the past and start living in the present
Everyone has memories that they want to erase. But the more you try to forget them, the more memory refuses to obey you. What to do?
Research by Roland Benoit and Michael Anderson has shown that people can train themselves to intentionally forget or erase certain events.
To erase bad events you need to do 6 things.
- Take a shield from bad thoughts. Don't think about past events consciously. If you are reminded of them, do not let your mind focus on it.
- Avoid triggers that can bring back bad memories. It could be smells, sounds, faces, things, films, places. Get rid of things and don't visit places or spend time with people who remind you of past mistakes.
- Connect positive lessons to bad memories. Try to associate unpleasant memories with useful lessons you learned from those events. Positive associations will make your past less painful and, over time, help you forget bad memories forever.
- Release your emotions to reduce their power over you. Alone with yourself, scream, cry, or write an angry letter with all your feelings, grievances, and then burn it. The purpose of these manipulations is to free your feelings from bad memories or shame about the past.
- Don't live your days on autopilot. Notice little things, sounds, smells, sights. Be in the company of people who make you happy, make new acquaintances, travel. This will help you be more attentive to the present.
- Diversify your life. Take up new interests, hobbies, fitness or sports. This will keep you busy, which means you can avoid remembering the past and forget it.
Why is it important to get rid of bad memories?
Because it affects your health and ability to live a satisfying life. For example, past grievances cause:
- Inability to abstract from the present and plan for the future.
- Anxiety.
- Insomnia, general malaise.
- Depression.
- Revenge, anger.
- Joyless life.
Conclusion
It is easier to get advice from a psychologist on how to forget the past than to actually do it. Because the hardest struggle takes place within us. Even if we really want to let go of bad memories, they continue to creep up like a plague when we are not ready for it.
But the psychological methods we have discussed help you get rid of bad memories from the past. To do this you need to: accept the past, learn from it, stop blaming others and not pretend to be a victim. Change your environment, thinking and space, forgive the offense and create new memories for yourself.
Share your opinion, how do you cope with unpleasant memories? How do you manage to forget your past?
How to get rid of negative memories and start a new life
Even with great effort, we cannot always forget certain situations from the past. However, there are several simple ways that you can get rid of unpleasant memories and start life with a clean slate.
Our life is divided into three categories - past, present and future. In each of these periods, certain moments happen to us that are impossible to forget. In this article we will talk about what has already happened to us, and about what we need to leave in the past forever in order to start living again.
Memories of the past are moments that we can no longer forget. It doesn’t matter whether they are pleasant or not, we will always visualize them in our minds, because they are an inseparable part of us. The past is the basis of our life. Every day we live can bring something pleasant and new into our lives, or it can upset us. Unfortunately, we cannot control our destiny and we do not know when something important will happen to us. Because of this, unpleasant moments occur in our lives, which leave behind not only consequences, but also negative memories. Experts at dailyhoro.ru offer you several ways to let go of the past and start a new life.
Main causes of negative memories
Living in the past is a thankless task. Sometimes a person involuntarily mentally returns to his previous life and tries to realize his mistakes. However, to get rid of negative memories, you need to understand the reasons for their occurrence.
Death of a loved one. It is this memory that is almost impossible to get rid of; you can only come to terms with it. The death of a loved one can not only turn our life upside down, but divide it into “before” and “after”. For a long time, a person feels lonely, especially if he has lost a person who has always been his main support and support and with whom he has many pleasant memories.
Breakup or betrayal. The betrayal of a loved one is very difficult to survive. Cheating leaves a deep wound in the heart and makes us completely disappointed in the opposite sex. Breakup is also one of the biggest shocks in our lives. As a rule, such memories fade into the background only with the advent of new love. However, the fear of being abandoned again never leaves us.
Moving. Longing for old places and old acquaintances - this is what people who change their place of residence face. Over time, we get used to a new city, make new friends, but memories of familiar places never leave us. In this case, you just need to get used to your new life and find your advantages in it. Try to look back as little as possible, otherwise moments of the past will never leave your consciousness.
Wrong choice of profession. Even in childhood, parents try to prove to us that one profession is much better or easier than another. Having enlisted the support of loved ones, we make a choice and don’t even think about the consequences. Many years pass, and we remember with bitterness those times when we were choosing a future profession, and we think that now it not only does not bring us the expected income, but also deprives us of joy. Many people say that it’s never too late to change your life, which means that in order to get rid of negative memories and hated work, you just need to make a decision on your own and finally choose the type of activity that you like.
Ways to get rid of negative memories
Before you learn about ways to get rid of negative memories, be in a positive mood. Don't forget that besides the unpleasant moments in life there are many good things. Suffering and complaining is not a way out of the situation. In this way, you harm yourself by refusing to let go of the past and start living with a clean slate.
Analyze your past. Before you get rid of negative memories, you need to understand some aspects of your past. At this stage you need:
- Let go of the past. Having experienced a series of failures, a person begins to think that one day they will repeat in his life, and thereby attracts them. Whatever mistakes you have made in the past, you must let go of the memories of them. You don’t have to put up with the fact that troubles will happen in your life, try to imagine your future in a better light.
- Admit your guilt. Everything that happens in our lives is partly our fault. You should not blame other people for your problems, because no one decides what you should do in a certain situation. To start life again, you need to admit that your mistakes are your fault. This way you can draw conclusions for yourself and avoid difficulties in the future.
- Forget your mistakes. Perhaps you once betrayed a loved one or committed another, no less bad act. This does not mean that memories of him and feelings of shame should haunt you throughout your life. At this stage, it is important to understand that you are a person, and it is common for any person to make mistakes. Your task is to avoid doing things in the future that will cause you to torment yourself.
After analyzing your past, you must draw a conclusion for yourself. If at this stage you have gotten rid of some unpleasant memories and were able to forgive yourself, then you did everything right.
Learn from the past. Everything that happens to us should not disappear without a trace. Even from an unpleasant situation, you can learn a useful lesson that will help you avoid mistakes in the future. Our past is an invaluable experience, because all the events that happened directly related to us. Your task is to draw the main and useful things from it and let it go. However, not many people are able to do this. Many continue to step on the same rake, clinging to a past life and making mistake after mistake.
Freeing yourself from negative memories. The most important stage has come, in which you must completely get rid of negative memories. To do this you will need:
- Choose the right attitude. Start every morning with the thought that today will bring you new pleasant memories.
- Psychological trick with water. If negative memories do not leave you, turn on the tap and imagine that they flow away together with water.
- Get rid of things that have negative memories associated with them. If there are things in your house that you have negative memories associated with, get rid of them. For example, after breaking up with your loved one, you don’t need to keep gifts and photos together, no matter how dear they are to you. One look at them will pull you back into the past, preventing you from moving forward.
- Change the environment. If the atmosphere around you makes you sad and provokes unpleasant memories, make changes to it. In this case, you can do repairs or buy new furniture. If you have long wanted to change your place of residence, then the time has come to take action. Such chores will not only help you take your mind off negative thoughts, but will also be the first step towards starting a new life.
- Change appearance. To understand your true inner state, you need to look at yourself in the mirror. Most likely, your appearance will make even you feel sorry for yourself. Think about whether your memories are worth such sacrifices? Head to the beauty salon, fitness center and boutique shopping. Change your appearance so that, looking at your reflection, you feel confident and ready for new victories and achievements.
- Thank and forgive your offenders. Of course, you don’t need to make a personal meeting with every offender, but mentally you must forgive them, even if it is not easy. Resentment, hatred, anger, desire for revenge - all this is an extra burden that prevents you from starting a new life. Get rid of it and you will feel better.
- Master meditation. Meditative practices help you relax and free your thoughts from everything unnecessary, including negative memories. With the help of meditation, you will learn to focus your attention only on important and pleasant things, which means that the past itself will fade into the background.
- Get rid of bad habits. Bad habits clog a person's life. The minutes that you could spend on something more important and useful are spent to your detriment. First of all, you need to get rid of alcohol. Alcoholic drinks negatively affect the nervous system, and while drinking them, people begin to be overcome by memories of a past life and negative thoughts. By getting rid of addictions, you will be doing a huge service to yourself and your body.
Meditation to get rid of unpleasant thoughts and memories
Meditation is the best way to relax and get rid of negative memories. This meditation practice is distinguished by its simplicity, and it can be performed at any time of the day.
To begin, choose a quiet place and sit comfortably. It is best to do meditation in nature, but if you do not have such an opportunity, you can do it at home, but be sure to be alone.
Imagine that you are in a beautiful place, a harmonious, peaceful environment reigns around you, and the only thing stopping you from taking a step forward is the heavy bag that you are holding in your hands. In your mind you should open it and see that there are stones in it. Imagine that each of them is one of your unpleasant memories. Start mentally throwing them out of your life by repeating:
- I let go of my past;
- I myself can control my thoughts;
- I am free from my memories;
- I am ready to part with my memories and start a new life;
- I live in the present;
- I love only myself and my family;
- I will be able to meet new love;
- I will find meaning in my life.
These short phrases must be repeated until you get rid of all the stones (memories). After that, go to the shower and imagine how your past goes away with the water, and that you are ready for a new life and new, but already pleasant, memories.
To start life with a clean slate, you need to rethink your past and understand old mistakes. Sometimes it is problems and negative thoughts that prevent us from moving forward. You can get rid of them with the help of effective meditation. May your life be filled with only pleasant memories,
Get yourself right
Usually we say this phrase in the “understand me correctly” version to our interlocutors - bosses, parents, friends, audience. And if they don’t understand us, we get offended, angry and angry. And often the point is only that we ourselves cannot understand correctly. And if your past gnaws at you and worries you, perhaps this is precisely the problem.
Try to honestly answer the question for yourself: what actually worries you or why you cannot forget some negative events, experiencing them again and again? There may be two points here:
- Resentment.
- Guilt.
A person may be offended by his parents for their inattention or excessive care, by his boss for a low salary or inflated demands, by his classmates because they teased him and called him names in childhood, by his ex-husband for leaving him with a small child in his arms.
A person may feel guilty for allowing a romantic relationship with a partner he liked to be destroyed at the first disagreement, for not receiving higher education on time because he was too lazy to study, for paying little attention to parents or children, because... I was always busy with something more important at that moment.
There is only one way out of such different situations and the way to stop worrying - to forgive. Just think that people are not perfect, and neither are you. Parents can have their own idea of what is good for children and what is bad, the boss also has a boss who demands something from him, and among his classmates there could very well be some very stupid individuals. Moreover, stupid people are not always to blame for being stupid. So what, now spend your whole life thinking about it?
Of course, it will not be easy to forgive a husband who ran away at a difficult moment in life, especially if this harmful artiodactyl ran away without paying alimony. But in the 21st century, it’s unlikely that anyone would force a woman into marriage. Think that a person cannot be perfect in everything. And if your spouse is cheerful and charming in company, easy-going and open to new experiences, perhaps he simply does not have the strength to earn money, help with the housework, and is generally bored within four walls.
You should probably reconsider your priorities in choosing men, and next time choose not the most handsome and cheerful, but the most reliable and hard-working, who may well turn out to be quite boring and overweight. Or it may be that you need to forgive yourself for such a frivolous choice, and continue to enjoy life without straining either yourself or your man with excessive obligations. Fortunately, children grow up quickly, and soon you will have more time for new relationships, entertainment and experiences. In general, forgive yourself and everyone else around you - and you will no longer have the lion's share of reasons to lament the past.
Travels to the past
There is only a moment... The lines known to everyone for many years have convinced us of the superiority of the present.
But no matter how it is! We love this song, we even agree with the message it conveys... In words. In fact, the present occupies a very small part of our internal mental “decoration”. We can congratulate those who hold on not only to this moment, but also cling to future moments and live for upcoming achievements. Unfortunately, perhaps the majority, instead of sitting in the “now” or looking into tomorrow, are hopelessly lost in the past. They turn life into a museum, a historical center with a lot of archives, and they themselves become tour guides, endlessly showing themselves the rare exhibits placed and hung along the corridors and memory rooms.
There's nothing wrong with memories. And it would be impossible to live if we did not have the ability to store in the bins of memory a every second harvest of impressions. Memory protects and helps pave the route to the future. It is strikingly similar to a piggy bank with a bunch of valuable ideas, which at any moment, if you are lucky enough to reach them, can be pulled out and exchanged for a wise decision.
The value of memories lies not only in their practical application. How nice it can be to plunge into the past just like that, to savor past events! The exceptional pleasure lies in making your way from time to time through dusty corridors into hidden corners, coming across past situations that once provoked so many emotions - and experiencing these feelings again.
What can I say, the past would be an excellent thing, devoid of even an ounce of shortcomings, if everything were just as we described. Alas, very close to the beautiful painting to which the guide led us, there is a disgusting sculpture, and behind a row of delightful figurines a gloomy fresco is painted. The past does not consist entirely of positive pieces - it is extremely motley and colorful. It would be great if there were a lot more colorful colors, but, unfortunately, it varies. In addition, the picture is constantly changing; rich colors today do not guarantee the predominance of fifty shades of gray tomorrow. And the day after tomorrow we will plunge with a shudder into a completely different world of memories, as if the designer of existence decided to try himself in a new genre.
Practices for letting go of past relationships
If you didn’t manage to break up correctly and your past still haunts you, there are certain practices and meditations based on visualization that can be used to cleanse yourself of past connections. These practices use the power of the four elements.
Water
1. Give your home a thorough cleaning. Imagine that, along with the dust, you are washing away from your home all the energy that remained after the breakup and prevented new energy from coming to this place.
2. Throw away all those things that make you remember the relationship you want to get rid of.
3. Take a shower. Stand under the stream of water and imagine how the water takes away with it everything that connected you with the past. Water cleanses you from painful bonds, making you clean and free.
4. Dress in clean clothes, replacing the ones you wore when cleaning.
5. When completing the practice, drink water, imagining how this water fills you with new energy from the inside.
Fire
1. Choose a time and place so that no one will distract you.
2. Close your eyes and imagine a person standing opposite you, with whom you are still connected by invisible threads.
3. You finally see these connections - threads, ropes, even ropes. They are stretched between you, passing through parts of the body, and connect you. Don't analyze this picture, just observe.
4. When you are ready, say goodbye to the person. If it’s difficult for you to decide on this, ask for support (from higher powers, from your guardian angel, from the Universe...), and say goodbye.
5. Mentally set fire to your connections and watch them burn. In what order and in what quantity to burn them - all at once, several at a time or one at a time - depends only on you. Do what you feel is right.
6. At the end of the visualization, there should not be a single thread left between you. “Bless” him for a future happy life without you and leave.
Air
1. Go out to a place where no one will disturb you and the wind is blowing.
2. Let your hair down, clothes should be as comfortable and loose as possible.
3. Close your eyes and let the air wash over you. The wind removes the burden of painful memories, grievances and pain from you. You can imagine that you are rising above the ground and flying, leaving all the connections of past relationships behind, somewhere far below. The wind frees you from everything that you are trying to get rid of, making you seem lighter, making you happier.
4. As you complete your practice, imagine that you have “landed” in a completely new place, being a free person heading into a new happy life.
Close your eyes and let the air wash over you. The wind removes the burden of painful memories, grievances and pain from you.
Earth
1. To carry out this practice, you need to take the most comfortable position and relax.
2. Imagine that you are walking through the forest. Feel how calmly and easily you observe the surrounding nature, noticing all its beautiful details.
3. You come out of the forest into a clearing, where you are met by a person with whom you cannot let go of your relationship. This is the last meeting. Look into his eyes and tell him everything that has accumulated. Express all your grievances, throw out all the pain he caused you.
4. When you free yourself from accumulated negativity, forgive this person. Imagine how with every inhalation and exhalation, grievances and pain go away, and you grant forgiveness to your past.
5. Remember the happy moments of the relationship, all the good things you had with this person, and thank him for everything.
6. Sincerely ask for forgiveness for the pain you caused him, intentionally or accidentally.
7. Say goodbye to him, putting an end to your relationship. Turn around and leave the clearing without looking back. Now he has his own life, you have yours. And you go to your wonderful future.
Forgive yourself and others
Here's how to stop living in the past. After all, resentment is an emotion that destroys a person from the inside. It nests in the heart, preventing you from breathing and enjoying life. Resentment towards yourself and other people, like poison, flows through your veins
The ability to forgive, including oneself, is extremely important for every person. First of all, resentment creates health problems
However, it also prevents you from loving and breathing deeply.
To forgive another person, put yourself in their shoes. Remember that you sometimes undeservedly offend other people. Have there been similar situations in your life?
Psychologists are sure: a person who is not able to forgive himself cannot grant forgiveness to others. This is an axiom. So start with yourself. Realize that you are imperfect. And so do the people around you. This simple truth often eludes us, who are so intolerant of each other's shortcomings.
Fix what can be fixed
The past exists only in its consequences. If you can eliminate most of them, you will be able to forget that you ever did the things you regret.
Have you lost several years of your life that could have been spent on professional growth? Achieve more in the years you have! Most of the omissions made earlier can be compensated for by new achievements.
If you see that, despite all the difficulties, you managed to climb out of the hole in which you found yourself, the burden of the past will no longer pull you back.
Some answers
Remember that everything that happens to you is not a test and it is not a problem. These are your lessons and training.
Perhaps some of you will have questions about the injustice of this world in your minds. But our world is measured down to the millimeter. And everything in it proceeds as it should.
- Why did some people survive the war?
- This means their souls had to learn compassion and mercy. They had to go through this suffering in order to be purified.
- Why do people get serious illnesses?
- A person earns his own diseases. Based on his behavior and thoughts, he acquires one or another disease. Sometimes this is a punishment for bad deeds in a past life.
- Why do children suffer and die?
- These are the lessons of their parents or the whole family.
- Why do they take the brightest and most talented people at a young age?
- This means they fulfilled their mission in this particular incarnation. By the way, their next incarnation will be even more successful.
