4 basic principles that will help restore trust after...

How to forgive a wife’s infidelity is a question that worries all husbands who have encountered female infidelity. Should you forgive your wife's infidelity? How to survive betrayal? Is normal functioning of the family possible after it? The topic of infidelity is one of the frequently discussed and pressing problems. And if male infidelity is more traditional, then female infidelity as a common phenomenon has only recently begun to be discussed. Psychologists observe that it is men who are more confused after the fact of betrayal.

Cheating is a manifestation of certain long-term psychological problems in a couple; usually it does not arise in a day. This problem reveals the weak points in relationships. Actually, the purely physical fact of betrayal, an intimate relationship outside of marriage, is only a small part of the trauma. Emotional distance, betrayal, recognition of secrets in relationships, the fact that part of a wife’s life passes outside the husband’s control also hurts.

Therefore, having asked the question of whether to forgive his wife’s betrayal, a man can decide it positively for himself, considering betrayal as an indicator of a long-term crisis, a point after which nothing can be changed. Surely, before the fact of infidelity, you managed to turn a blind eye to the difficulties in your marriage, and now he has confronted you with awareness and a choice - to solve them or break off the relationship created by both of you.

Of course, many men, especially having discussed this issue with friends, or if the fact of their wife’s infidelity has become known to others, react extremely negatively and emotionally to the question of whether it is necessary to forgive their wife’s infidelity. Both wounded pride and a feeling of the intractability of the piled-up layer of problems that suddenly appeared are at play here.

But it is at this moment that the spouses, having come together and trying to understand what is happening, can for the first time consciously think about how to take their relationship to a higher level. They begin a normal dialogue for the first time. And if the betrayal itself does not break their relationship to smithereens, then from this moment it is possible to build a more functional family.

Is it possible to forgive your wife's betrayal?

Should you forgive your wife's infidelity? For various reasons, a woman can make this mistake. But the “glue” that binds their relationship, if the spouses value them and have a reason to preserve the marriage, often gives rise to the desire to correct and rebuild the relationship. If it is not there, if the wife, by this betrayal, only sought to find an additional reason to break off the relationship, to aggravate the problem, to make the unspoken obvious - perhaps the marriage has already “died”, and there is nothing left to save.

A man needs to ask himself whether to forgive his wife’s infidelity, without blindly following the advice of family or friends. Because they often have a personal, albeit unconscious, motive to influence the course of events. This is how hidden revenge can manifest itself, which is often expressed in actively pushing for divorce, inciting problems and pseudo-participation. Or the person himself is left alone and is trying to impose the same life scenario on you, so as not to perceive himself so lonely, to strengthen his life strategy through you.

A man needs to look at his wife’s infidelity as an illustration of a crisis in marriage, a crisis created not by the wife on her own, but with their mutual participation. Figure out what you expect from your partnership, why didn’t you talk about this earlier, what needs to be introduced into your relationship to make cheating impossible in the future? This will allow you not only to sort out this problem, but will also enrich your family life. Sometimes, even if the marriage could not be saved, the analysis of this problem is useful to the man in the next relationship, and prevents similar difficulties in the new partnership, since they often depend on the man as well.

There is a categorical opinion that a person who has cheated once will definitely continue to cheat. And the man here experiences fear of the unknown, disorder, and lack of control in life with this woman. Sometimes, even when loving, he can experience the loss of trust so strongly that he decides to break off the relationship and remain single, and only after a while build a relationship, while choosing the most predictable woman as a partner.

A man more often experiences betrayal, like the betrayal of a partner in business - when he let him down and found his benefits on the side. Now it’s dangerous to deal with him, because where can we get guarantees that this situation will not happen again? Following logic, he forces himself to make a decision that will protect him. If this approach is close to you, then it is worth examining the directness and honesty in the woman’s behavior, not trying to exaggerate and denigrate her actions, not inflating the image of possible future problems, and also think purely logically about what needs she tried to satisfy on the side. It is possible that in your partnership her interests were infringed; she could not get something extremely important for her. Only by determining what it is will you begin to judge the situation more objectively.

I can’t forgive: advice from a psychologist

Many men have a problem with forgiveness. It seems that there is a desire to save the family, let go of the situation and return to the old relationship. But something prevents me from forgetting what is happening.

“My wife cheated on me with a friend. Former friend. We have a lot in common with her, we’ve been through a lot. We've been together almost half our lives, three children are growing up. I would like to forgive the betrayal, but I cannot forget her betrayal. I can’t sleep with her, I don’t believe her words, I constantly imagine her with another man. How can I survive this?

Such letters are not uncommon. Men often experience rejection from their spouse after betrayal:

• Every word seems like a lie . After all, she hid her betrayal for so long, and you didn’t even notice. This means that she is a master at lying, how can we believe her now?
• Seems like a stranger . After the truth has been revealed, you may wonder - do I know my wife well? What else is she hiding? Previously, she seemed like the closest person, but now it’s like a gap between you.
• Jealousy and suspicion . Even if a person was not jealous before, after the betrayal of a loved one, he can become so. Phone checks, interrogations, surveillance, trying to find evidence of treason. Fear again of not noticing obvious signs. It exhausts both the man and the woman.
• Problems in sex life . When you are close, unpleasant thoughts may enter your head. And in what poses did they do it? How to kiss her after giving a blowjob to someone else? Were they protected? How was he better than me? Maybe now she is pretending that she likes it. From such thoughts, desire disappears, the man denies his wife intimacy.

In such a situation, the marriage is doomed. No one can withstand such tests. A man is constantly worried, nervous, and does not trust his loved one. This will not lead to anything good.

How to forget your wife's betrayal

If possible, it is better to go to a psychologist. Only a personal consultation will help you get out of this state. But if you can’t or don’t want to, you can get rid of unpleasant memories at home.

1. Remember the past. Try to think more often about all the good things that connect you with your wife. Over all the years together, you have probably gone through a lot that is much more significant than this unpleasant situation. Look through photos, videos, and immerse yourself in pleasant memories together: your acquaintance, wedding, vacation, birth of your first child, raising children, funny situations from life, etc.
2. Create new memories . You need to force an unpleasant period of life out of your memory, and it’s best to replace it with something good. Take the two of you on a vacation you've always wanted to go to. Spend time together so that positive emotions are associated with your wife. Ask parents to supervise children to ensure there are no distractions from the romantic setting.
3. Make a list of your wife's virtues . Why do you value and love her? Why are you saving your marriage? She is an excellent housewife, beautiful, an excellent cook, a wonderful mother, supports you in bad times, never nags or scolds you for your shortcomings.
4. Discuss the rules . To make it easier for you to forgive your wife, discuss with her the prohibitions and your wishes. Offer something that will help you get rid of bad thoughts and memories from your head. Ask to change jobs, where she sees her ex-lover. Find out the password for your phone so you can check it at any time. She never dropped or ignored calls. Most likely, she will meet you halfway, making reasonable changes in her lifestyle to make it easier for you to let go of the situation.
5. Change your surroundings . In some cases, everything around reminds you of your wife’s betrayal. This is especially true for small towns, where everyone knows everything or you can run into her lover. To save your family, you can move to another city, change apartment, sell your wife’s car, throw away some things. You can also change the circle of acquaintances who witnessed the betrayal, but did not report it to the husband.
6. Avoid the topic of cheating . Songs, films, books, stories of acquaintances - all this can stir up forgotten pain, and you will start the journey all over again. If it is possible to avoid triggers, there is no need to specifically stumble upon them. Associations will take you back to a previous state, so you simply cannot forget about what happened.
7. Don't wallow in grief . Sometimes being offended is very convenient. After all, then the wife will do her best to atone for her guilt - compliments, favorite dishes, pleasure in bed, absence of reproaches and comments. You can get the hang of it and use the situation to your advantage. But with protracted demonstrative resentment, you only alienate your spouse from yourself. At some point, she may decide that there is nothing to save here and will simply leave. You don't want this, do you?

Don't think that you will completely get rid of the memories of your wife's betrayal. At times you will remember what happened with sadness. But in another happy moment together, you will be glad that you were able to forgive your wife for cheating and saved your family. It's so hard to find someone worth holding on to.

How to forgive your wife's betrayal and move on?

Is there family life after cheating? How to find the strength to forgive? Don't fantasize about what's happening in your family right now. Find out this, find out what your wife’s attitude is to what happened. People are prone to making mistakes, prone to making mistakes that they later repent of. In particular, female infidelity often indicates unspoken problems and a lack of understanding between spouses. Perhaps she was trying to tell you about emotional problems, but you could not perceive them, and she did not have the courage and directness to continue to talk about them further, to insist and look for solutions.

Or was there no participation or desire on your part to build relationships? With this type of dry, lifeless, essentially formal relationship, the woman perceives herself as unnecessary to her husband and unloved. She, trying to get rid of the experience of the emptiness of her own life, can find a way out in third-party relationships, especially if there is an understanding boyfriend nearby who is ready to demonstrate participation and be attentive to her, which is fueled by her inaccessibility and reluctance to actually break family ties and cheat on her husband.

If you dream of building a quality relationship in principle, without even considering now, whether with this woman or in the future, you need to face your personal fears. And those sides that you did not want to notice, recognize as part of reality, wanting to follow only your decisions.

Women consider relationships to be the main value in life. When a wife cheats, very rarely it is just a need for sexual contact with another man; rather, it is a cry for attention and help, an attempt to find a genuine relationship and understanding. In a situation of female infidelity, it is not hedonistic needs that come to the forefront, but the desire to build relationships. Women more often become attached to one constant man, which is facilitated by the production of the hormone oxytocin, which is released in women during orgasm in greater quantities than in men, the attachment hormone.

The criteria for betrayal are individual for each couple. For some, correspondence on a social network is treason; for others, having sexual intercourse is not true treason. And as practice shows, more often than not relationships are destroyed not only by the fact of betrayal, but because of the consequences, the fact that the married couple was unable to draw conclusions and took the road of further destruction of the relationship. Also, in case of suspicion and constant reminders to his wife, even regretting the betrayal, he thinks about leaving for the reason that the betrayal will not be forgotten or forgiven.

There are two common opinions: one is that you need to forgive betrayal, the other is that you absolutely cannot do this. The male opinion is often that the wife, by cheating, is looking for freedom or intimate pleasures. However, statistics confirm that she is looking for a relationship that, as it turns out, may not actually exist in the family. It happens that after years of marriage, spouses come to understand the existence of a family as a system with its responsibilities, but the absence of genuine intimacy, the relationship itself. A woman, looking for a third-party relationship, usually experiences problems with self-esteem, the difficulty of living as a full-fledged woman, and requires recognition from a man. If she doesn’t get it in marriage, it’s only a matter of time before the wife starts looking for another relationship and whether it will work out.

The problem of female infidelity arises from a lack of self-satisfaction, which ultimately leads to the desire to receive external evaluation. Receiving the attention and recognition of men, a woman temporarily experiences an increase in strength and feels complete. In a marriage, even with mutual feelings, the spouses get used to each other over time, the woman stops receiving courtship from her husband, but continues to greatly need them.

Here we come to the basis of the opinion that once a person has cheated, he will always cheat, and the only right decision is to break up. Yes, if you don’t work with the internal psychological situation, then the problem of betrayal will not go away. A woman needs to resolve the problem with her self-esteem, personal significance, ability to enjoy life, deep satisfaction from her feminine nature.

How to forgive your wife's betrayal and move on? A man must understand for himself why he chose this particular woman, and how, perhaps, his behavior strategy is consistent with the behavior of a woman with low self-esteem. What does it take for your wife to feel satisfied with you?

If the emotional nature of your wife requires attention, then a husband who does not want to face betrayal must be able to listen to his wife, let her speak out, because this is how she splashes out her emotions and shares her experiences. Today, many relationships often have a male orientation, partners live like friends, business associates, and femininity remains unrealized, finding expression only in children, rare moments of marital romance and, as in our situation, in new connections on the side. To save your marriage, you need to learn to maintain the authenticity of the relationship and deepen it, which is a lot of work for both.

You talk to her and you solve the problem together.

If you don’t really like the option of remaining silent, and you want to throw out all your emotions and resentment, you can talk to her directly.

Remember that this should be a calm and dignified conversation without accusations or insults.

Your goal is to find out with her all the priorities in your family, rebuild the relationship, start with a clean slate.

Explain that the betrayal hurt you greatly, but you want to improve the situation. Ask her what doesn’t suit her about your couple and your behavior. You will be able to understand and listen to her better after a frank conversation.

Most likely, you were missing out on a lot of things that were important to her. And don’t delay changes, be for her the man she wants.

Everything is very individual in each couple, and I cannot assume exactly what she will answer you. But if you decide to be honest, speak to her directly and openly. Be ready to rebuild what has begun to crumble.

Do not move away from her during this period. I understand that your pride is greatly hurt. But don’t be cold with her, don’t act as if you are strangers. On the contrary, surround her with warmth, attention and care. So that she understands how much you love her.

If you want to let go on all four sides

You need to get a divorce beautifully. You should not hold anger and hatred towards your spouse, who is about to become an ex. Find a bit of nobility and condescension in yourself, even if very soon the stamp in your passport will scream about your freedom.

How to forget your wife’s infidelity during a divorce:

1. Understand the absurdity of your emotions. If you are determined to file for divorce, then there is simply no point in not forgiving your spouse. Why extra resentment in your soul when very soon both of you will not be bound by marriage?
2. Rest. When a stressful situation has literally just happened, it is difficult to act rationally. But, if you have been nervous for a long time and accumulate evil within yourself, then you are harming yourself. Don't live in the past, try to switch to your favorite activities and relax. The nervous system will calm down, and it will become much easier to forgive your wife.
3. Wish your wife happiness. By spewing curses towards your unfaithful spouse, you gain absolutely nothing, but only escalate the situation. Tell your wife that you are grateful for the pleasant moments of your life together, but now your paths have diverged, and you wish her to find personal happiness with someone else. This way you will interrupt the series of conflicts, put a logical point and get out of the situation with dignity, like a real man.

Everything has already happened, the decision has been made, and it’s stupid to hold a grudge against your ex-wife. You will still meet a woman who will be faithful, so do not waste time on negative experiences and dream of a bright future.

Breaking Bad

There is such a point of view: if your marriage is on the verge of divorce, feelings have faded, there are not enough emotions, start a short affair on the side - you yourself will see how your relationship will sparkle with new bright colors... Such advice can be found today on the Internet and in books. They claim that it is effective. What do you say?

I don't know anything about new paints. When they tell me about betrayal in confession, I always meet with disaster. This is a catastrophe of colossal proportions, when the soul... you know, is like scorched earth by napalm. A person comes completely dead, absolutely insensitive, understanding nothing. Like after a nuclear explosion. Because a nuclear explosion is energy, light, colossal heat, there is a lot of bright and unforgettable things in it. But after it everything is dead, complete devastation. In confession I encounter this result - a scorched heart and feelings. I don't know what about new colors...

Why do you say that a person comes senseless and dead?

There is the famous TV series “Breaking Bad,” which shows how a person gives himself the right to commit a crime, gets involved in sin based on some more or less lofty considerations, and how this sin then affects everything around him like a cancerous tumor. There, the hero himself is sick with cancer, and he seems to be healing. But the business he started begins to grow and devours the entire space of life around him. This is a very clear example. He shows well what a person becomes, bound by sin, who at the same time tries to break free. He is tormented by his conscience - there is a scene with a fly, in one of the episodes it flies constantly and does not give the hero peace. But it turns out that he is already deeply in trouble, and not only himself - he pulled his wife and everything that surrounds him along with him. And it seems like he has an excuse: he has cancer, he needs money for treatment and his family... A person who lives in such a state, in captivity of sin, will constantly look for an excuse for his action. He can't live without it. He needs some external event or some higher goal to which he could appeal and explain why he is doing this. Moreover, he himself feels bad from the endless search for justification. The most serious condition.

Do you often encounter this in confession?

Any priest in his pastoral practice encounters this quite often, alas.

Photo mariko2

But there is, for example, such a position: when a person cheats, he does not commit any crime, this is not corruption, not murder, he does not harm anyone. Of course, if he loves his wife and the wife finds out, it will be unpleasant. As for the rest - what's wrong with that?..

Honestly, I don’t know any examples of a person betraying and no one would know about it. Firstly, because betrayal still becomes known, and at the most inconvenient and unexpected moment. Secondly, the person himself, his conscience, always knows about betrayal, and God always knows. It's enough.

And with the question “what’s wrong with that”... It is clear that the basis of any relationship - in marriage, friendship, in the relationship between parents and children, between man and God - is loyalty and trust. In practice, this means: you can count on me, I won’t let you down, I will always lend my shoulder. When we say “I believe in God,” we understand that this is not only about recognizing the fact of the existence of God above us. In this sense, as the Apostle James wrote, demons believe and tremble. Faith in God is a matter of trust and fidelity in the relationship between God and man.

The other side is meanness and betrayal, when you know something very personal about a loved one, entrusted to you as a secret, and you betray this secret. Adultery is a betrayal of the secrets of love: the most secret things about your wife or husband are revealed to you, and you neglect it.

If people love each other truly and seriously, they have no need to cheat. If a person wants to change, is looking for a reason or justification, and this is normal for him, then he must state: I don’t love anyone but myself, I just use all other people.

The difference between male and female infidelity

Many psychologists say that the motivations for cheating in men and women are often very different. Is it possible to forgive a girl's betrayal? Probably depending on the circumstances. Thus, men cheat more often out of physiological desire than from having loving feelings for a girl; they lack sexual satisfaction at home and therefore decide to fill the need on the side.

However, social factors may also play a role here. Namely, a man’s status in society is often determined by the presence of an expensive car, apartment, etc. Among this list, a man may also have a mistress. In this case, a woman should simply either come to terms with this or end such a relationship, because you cannot change a person by force without his desire to change himself.

Husband found out about his wife's cheating

Consequences of betrayal for a family

It is impossible to predict exactly what will happen to a family after betrayal. Because scenarios for the development of relationships can be very different.

1. Ideally, when we talked, let off steam and made peace in the marital bed. But this only happens in fairy tales.

2. The next option is to separate quietly and peacefully, each experience the trauma in its own way and start new families. This happens more often.
3. The remaining options are difficult. Cheating brings many questions to each spouse. And sometimes there are no answers to them. Do I need this person? How well do I know him? Do I know myself? Why do I need this relationship? How will I live next? What does the future hold for me?

It's complicated. Women often decide to save their family, although they cannot forget the betrayal and do not know what to do about it and how to live. And after reconciliation, the most difficult period begins. For some reason it’s impossible to forgive, forget and not remember.