Infidelity is all too common in our modern world and is enough to sink a marriage, even a strong one. The root of the word unbelief indicates its terrible power - it comes from the Latin word fides, meaning faith.
Faith is an incredibly fragile thing. When trust in a spouse is broken, it is very destructive to a marriage. Restoring a marital relationship after infidelity is a rather long and labor-intensive process. But it's vital to restore them if you hope to save your marriage. But, what is the best way to do this?
Be careful after your husband finds out about cheating
First, be careful about what you say and do in the first emotional days and weeks after your spouse finds out about your infidelity. You will both be angry, scared, upset. You will blame and defend yourself. In this state, you simply cannot have an honest, calm and open conversation.
Your spouse may be under extreme stress after discovering the deception. Now is not the time to try to explain anything or make any promises.
The best thing you can do during these first difficult days is to reassure your spouse that the affair is over. If you are really determined to save your marriage, then it is better, of course, to end the relationship on the side.
Is it possible to learn to trust after cheating?
Of course you can. But you have to try. Not only should the traitor want to regain trust, but you yourself. You were hurt, and now your soul is defending itself. Of course, it would be safer not to trust anyone ever again. But will you live so well without trust?
Have you ever walked in high heels? This is difficult for most women. But how the gait changes, how the gaze of men changes, how self-esteem changes! You already feel like a queen, having risen at least 4 centimeters above the ground. But sometimes falls happen because of the heel. The higher the heel, the more expressive and painful the fall. Yes, if there were no heels, it wouldn’t hurt. However, the pain goes away. You have to decide - do you want to look at the world from above again, or is it better without risk, but more reliable?
It's the same with trust. You can live without it. Relying only on yourself, playing it safe, expecting a trick from the whole world. This approach is safe, but it greatly limits your life. You will be deprived of emotional intimacy, spiritual unity, your soulmate.
Therefore, it is worth trying to overcome the defenses of the soul and learn to trust again.
No need to tell details
You must give your spouse time to cool down. You also need to give yourself time to analyze the situation.
Your spouse may want to know the details of your affair - who the other person is, what his name is, where he lives, how old he is, what he does, where you met, and so on. Just tell your partner that you did have an affair, but don't go into gory details about the person you cheated on your spouse with.
Because it can lead to ugly fights and clashes. You don't want your spouse to look for this person, do you?
What to do
Let's consider step by step the necessary rules and actions that can regain your husband's trust.
Don't try to relieve the pain caused by the act.
There is no need to soften the situation. Your chosen one wants to know what really happened. Women are capable of subconsciously downplaying the scale of the tragedy and lying without noticing it.
The husband will notice this. Some information may generally appear some time later. Don’t try to avoid the topic of betrayal; it’s better to pull yourself together and overcome this unpleasant stage. Give your husband the opportunity to experience pain and resentment. Time will help soften the blow and restore trust in your husband.
Tell the whole truth and even a little more
You were caught red-handed, and from now on you are doomed to tell only the truth. Don’t lie to your loved one, because you need to rehabilitate yourself in front of him.
According to psychologists, you will restore relationships only with the help of sincerity and transparency. Don't skimp on the little things. If you want to go to a club with a friend, warn your significant other. No need to come up with another place. The husband will feel the lie, and if such a trifle comes up and again destroys the newly built piece of trust, it will be offensive.
Don't go on the attack
It is very difficult to overcome the desire to attack your husband and start remembering all his sins. Your desire to defend yourself is understandable, but the slogan “the best defense is an attack” does not work here. This will just make the situation even worse.
Your man’s self-esteem and dignity are infringed; he expects understanding and respect, not attacks.
Don't try to justify yourself, rather work to correct the situation. You will have to endure your husband’s anger - it is understandable and natural. If you want to preserve your love, refrain from making hateful comments and comparisons.
Abandon the roles of defendant and prosecutor
Life is not a theater; you should not play the role of prosecutor and defendant. This pattern of behavior will make the situation worse. Let go of the situation by learning a lesson from it. Better focus your energy on regaining the trust of your other half. It is important that the husband also strives not to cross the forbidden line. You can understand a betrayed partner, but he shouldn't constantly blame you.
Don't drag other people in
We are not talking about a professional psychotherapist, but about children, girlfriends, boyfriend’s parents or your old acquaintances. The conflict occurred purely between you; there is no need for an outsider to interfere.
The responsibility for your decision to continue the relationship lies solely with you.
The result will be especially painful when children are involved. You are adults, and also parents, so act wisely and protect your offspring from unnecessary injuries.
Give your partner more access
To give your partner a sense of security, give him access to social networks or a phone. This strategy helps a man relax and regain some of his confidence. Later he will understand that you have nothing to hide.
Restoring trust
After you've gotten through the first, most emotionally intense period, it's time to start seriously rebuilding your spouse's trust. It won't be easy. You must be serious about changing yourself, changing your habits and your life, and you will need to convey this intention to your spouse.
In such a situation, it is best to contact a marriage specialist. A professional, objective person will create a safe environment in which you can begin to communicate with each other.
Yes, professional psychologists don't come cheap, but being willing to spend a little money to save your marriage is an important part of showing your spouse how serious you are about fixing what's broken.
You may want to initially contact a psychologist for an individual consultation.
Understand, forgive, take revenge?
When you are faced with the betrayal of a loved one, the most difficult thing is to accept what happened and forgive not only in words, but also in your soul. Another difficult moment is to understand that a man cheated not because you are so ugly, unsexy, and so on. But because there is a real reason, for example, incontinence in a fit of alcoholic intoxication, a psychological problem that concerns relationships in general. Therefore, urgently return your lost self-esteem.
If you decide to start from scratch, it means that you have analyzed all the pros and cons and have partly already come to terms with adultery. Perhaps they even got to the bottom of the motive. Surely the questions are: “Why did this happen? How could he? Why is she better than me?” were constantly spinning in your head. Although more productive and correct questions would be: “Why am I given this situation? What needs to be corrected so that the betrayal does not happen again? Do you agree? Write your opinion in the comments, no need to register.
Yes, nothing just happens. Both partners are usually to blame for infidelity. Only an incorrigible womanizer cheats left and right for no apparent reason. Therefore, the most important step towards mutual understanding after realizing what happened is to talk openly and try to understand why this happened in your couple. It hurts, but it's necessary. Since extreme honesty and openness to dialogue will help restore a trusting relationship after betrayal.
But what you definitely shouldn’t do is take revenge on your husband or get hung up on betrayal, driving yourself into the position of a victim. Otherwise everything will fall apart like a house of cards. Remember that there are always obstacles on the path to true happiness. People make mistakes and go through different challenges in relationships. In order to preserve an already fragile union, it is important to be able to listen and hear each other and to withstand periods of crisis with dignity.
If you have already found out the reason, think about what you can change now. What lessons have been learned? And one more thing - why do you want to save the relationship? After all, often a woman is simply afraid to be left alone or thinks something like: the child needs a father and so on. Stop. You must have a sincere desire to be with this person. Since you have decided to restore your marriage and trust, then first of all, figure out the question - how to forgive correctly and why. Share, could you forget betrayal like a bad dream? All answers are anonymous.
Let the truth
If the situation has already happened and the husband knows about the betrayal, then there are not many options here. The first option is to deny everything. Stand your ground until victory and never admit it in your life. But it is important here that no one else is aware of this story. Because even the most devoted friend can accidentally blurt out something in passing. The option is not the most correct, in my opinion.
Another way is to admit. Maybe your spouse won't be able to forget it. But it is up to you to make him understand that you will never make such a mistake. Regaining lost trust is very difficult and painful. Subconsciously, the husband may expect such an act from his wife for the rest of his life. Everything very much depends on the situation and on specific people. You can try to improve the relationship in any case. It's worth spending more time together. Talk more. Always be honest and frank. You should not become the initiator of conflicts. There is no need to humiliate yourself and be a whipping toy. Otherwise, some men like to turn their guilty wife into a slave. This should not be allowed under any circumstances.
You must experience this story together. After all, in a relationship there is never only one person who is wrong. Since the spouse committed such an act, it means that something went wrong in the family relationship. One never leaves a happy home, as they say. Therefore, it is very important to understand the reason for betrayal. Why did this happen, why did the woman decide to do such an act, how can the situation be corrected and harmony restored to the relationship. All this is in the hands of the spouses themselves.
Smart people don't give up everything, but try to fix and fix it. This is the wisdom of family relationships.
If the husband left for his mistress
When the spouse collects things and it seems that the marriage has broken up. But that's not true. Perhaps he left in a fit of emotion, after another scandal, to annoy his wife, to prove that she could not live without him. But pride does not allow me to return. All that is needed is to create conditions under which the husband himself wants to return home:
- give some time to calm down after the scandal;
- sometimes call him asking for help;
- maintain family traditions, because you remain parents for your children;
- bring the man closer to the children;
- every time he comes home, as if by chance, turn on his favorite show, cook his favorite dish;
- when you get close again, seduce him, but the main thing is not to turn into a mistress with his current passion.
The mistress's position becomes precarious; she cannot be envied. She switched roles with her wife:
- puts pressure on a man, rushing him into a divorce;
- when he communicates with his wife and children, he becomes jealous, because he is capable of betrayal;
- relatives and friends support the wife, not the mistress;
- Because of all the problems in their relationship, quarrels and scandals are breaking out more and more often.
We need to take advantage of this situation
It is important for a man to create an atmosphere of comfort, coziness, care and love.
How to apologize for cheating
First, prepare yourself. You need to clarify for yourself what the true reason for your betrayal is. And having found this out, fix the problem. Otherwise, the apology will not mean anything, and the betrayal may happen again and again. If you are determined to return your ex-husband's love, prepare your apology in advance. Realize what you are apologizing for, why you regret what happened - sort your thoughts into shelves, and write down the words on paper. This way you will behave more confidently at moment X, and therefore more convincing.
How to properly apologize to a guy for cheating:
- Don't do this in public. A public apology will not only not impress a man, but will also attract unnecessary attention to the problem - washing dirty linen in public is not welcome. Also, apologize in person. Gifts and letters sent by courier will not have the desired effect. After all, after the apology, a dialogue must take place, and there will simply be no one to ask the questions that the man will definitely have.
- Don't blame your partner for your own mistake. The true reason for the betrayal may lie in your ex-husband, but you will still have to bear responsibility for the deception. And blaming a man for anything if you want to regain his love and trust will be unnecessary.
- Don't lie. Apologize sincerely, do not promise something that you are not going to implement. After the apology, a dialogue will follow, during which you should not shy away from answers either. The questions will be tough, but so will be. However, you have already put a lot of noodles in your partner’s ears. If a man wants to know the details: the name of his lover, his place of work - it’s better to say. The conversation will be unpleasant, but the man will understand that you are completely open to him. The main thing is to never compare two men, and formulate your thoughts in a friendly and careful manner. You shouldn’t say: “We saw each other every day, because we had a great time together,” rather say: “We saw each other quite often, and I’m infinitely ashamed of it.”
- Don't put conditions. You don't know if your husband will agree to take you back. In any case, make it clear that you just want to be honest with him, respect his feelings and want to resolve the current conflict. No direct conditions. Say that you don’t expect anything from your husband, but you will always be glad to see him back because you love him with all your heart.
- Respect yourself and your partner. If after your words a person does not want to listen to you, respect that. Give him time, you can try to communicate with him later when the emotions have subsided. You shouldn’t let yourself be offended either: don’t tolerate insults, especially violence. Obviously, your partner will speak out of emotion, but there should be moderation in everything. Always be prepared to end the conversation and say goodbye.
What will help restore trust and maintain the union?
New arrangements
After clarifying the motives, establish new rules in the family. For example, from now on, always tell each other only the truth, not control every step, communicate your feelings openly, as well as what specifically worries you right now. Honesty, freedom and a willingness to listen are great for building relationships. Another good rule is to spend more time together.
Attention to each other
Tell us what you value in your partner, and what he values in you. If your husband lacked support or was tired of the “pillage”, endless insults, showdowns, change urgently. Charge him only with positive energy, start going on dates again, make mutual surprises, share your feelings.
Women's wisdom and self-confidence
Reminding someone of an offense, throwing tantrums and scandals are serious mistakes. Correcting what may have caused the infidelity is the right solution. Get rid of stereotypical behavior. Even in a state of alcoholic intoxication, a man, if he is not a Don Juan or an unprincipled macho, is aware of what he is doing. This means that there was no value in the existing relationship. Bring back value, respect, love through inner change and positive communication. Remember positive emotions. If you behave the same way as before, everything will either repeat itself or lead to a breakup.
Another important fact is the sincere repentance of the man himself
And his willingness to save the marriage, to regain your trust. If he does not have such a desire (maybe he seriously decided to run away to a new lover or continue to walk to the left), then there is no point in restoring anything. But it always makes sense to change yourself.
How to improve sexual relationships after cheating?
The main rule is to take your time. Even if the reason for the betrayal was loss of desire. There is no need to run to a sex shop, or agree to something you don’t want. Gradually get to know each other again, give yourself time. Sometimes, in order to return vivid sensations, it is enough to change the environment, try a new position, or simply miss each other. Reveal your sexuality, sensuality and femininity. Just don't compare yourself to anyone. It’s better to go to dance classes with your husband, for example, get some new bodily experience together.
It's hard to regain intimacy and trust. But if you pass this test, begin to develop relationships, behave with dignity and wisdom, you will grow greatly spiritually. This means that your rating will become higher, the relationship will take on a new meaning, and the man will begin to appreciate you.
The main thing is to remember that you are not a victim, exit the love triangle confidently, your happiness is only in your hands. You are already acting bravely, because after betrayal, most couples break up. Working on relationships and looking for a reason is always much more difficult than simply crossing everything out. But where is the guarantee that the same scenario will not happen again with a new man? It's better to take the trouble to correct the mistakes.
I understand that in words it is, of course, easy. In fact, for any woman, restoring a relationship after betrayal is a lot of work on herself. I teach Pavel Rakov in my courses how to become a queen for any man, desired and unique. Come to the next stream of the online training “Secrets of Women's Happiness.” You will find a lot of information here on the website. Go to the section “Ideal love relationships” and read about the main principles of strong relationships.
Girls, do you think it’s possible to restore family relationships after cheating? Do you believe that you can forgive and forget everything?
How quickly does your husband's trust return?
The very first and natural reactions of a deceived man will be distrust, resentment and suspicion.
You should not expect that a person will be able to quickly forgive you and pretend that nothing happened. Of course, it takes time for a man to survive severe emotional stress. During this time, he will be able to rethink your offense. Perhaps communication may be interrupted for some time until the man moves away from these events. Gradually, the pain from a woman’s betrayal will subside, because if a man cannot live without you, he will definitely forgive. According to many psychologists, this offense can even bring positive aspects to the relationship between two people: after all, a man will be able to pay attention to the reason why a woman could do this. Frequent factors why women cheat are a feeling of loss of interest in their personality on the part of a man, lack of care, attention, warmth, affection and care. A new partner can show a lady such signs of attention, but more often than not, this is just flirting in order to attract a beautiful girl and get only one thing from her.
Husband is man number one
When a wife cheats, the husband feels unwanted and abandoned. If you admit your betrayal, let your spouse know that he is the only and best for you:
- answer your question: why did you need a lover? Perhaps you were looking for some traits in him that you would like to see in your husband, but did not find;
- take a closer look at your husband. Most likely, you simply did not see your ideal in him;
- Show your significant other love. Tell your friends and acquaintances how much you appreciate his presence next to you.
Tell your husband that you love him and you don’t need another man. Back up your words with actions and wait for the results. Be patient.
A white lie is also a lie
Absolute honesty is a matter of behavior, not thoughts and fantasies. If you couldn't resist communicating with your ex, you need to tell your partner about it. But if you're just thinking that it would be nice to call or meet up with your ex but don't take action, it's okay to tell a friend or therapist, but not your spouse.
Stephen Arterburn and Jason Martinkus, in their book Trustworthy, describe absolute honesty as “I would rather lose you than deceive you.” They write: “There needs to be a shift in your paradigm for honesty. The truth should be your number one priority.” The authors argue that an ex-cheater should always tell the truth: “If your wife asks you if her favorite pants make her look fat, you should tell her what you really think.”
TRAPS FOR CHEATERS
Former deceivers encounter difficulties along the way. Even if they sincerely want to be honest, they may fall into one of these.
- Passive truthfulness.
If their partner suspects them of something, they may confess, but not tell the whole truth, believing that the details could worsen the relationship or cause pain. - Partial truth.
The truth is presented in a soft form. - Playing the role of a child.
The deceiver waits for his partner to “pull” the truth out of him. If he doesn’t insist, he doesn’t say anything. - Understatement.
He tries to be honest, but plays down or leaves out unpleasant details so as not to hurt his partner. - Enabling a defensive or offensive reaction.
The former cheater tells his partner the truth. He gets angry and indignant. Then the deceiver “backs up” and begins to make excuses or, conversely, reacts aggressively and begins to blame the partner for all sins. - Expectation of immediate forgiveness.
The former cheater tells only the truth and demands that his partner forgive him. However, the time that each of us needs to survive betrayal is individual.
If even your honesty could not convince your partner that you can be trusted, radical measures remain. You can install tracking programs on your phone: this way, your partner can not only find out where you are, but also monitor your movements and activity on the Internet. Provide access to your computer and bank account. Full transparency can restore trust.
Robert Weiss
– psychiatrist, author of the books “Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction”, HCI, 2015), “Exit out of the shadows: a step-by-step relationship-saving guide for men caught cheating” (“Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating”, HCI, 2017).
"Let's be honest: women cheat too"
It is generally accepted that cheating is characteristic only of men. And most often it is justified by natural polygamy. But in a world where gender roles have shifted, and women compete with the stronger sex in the right to live the way they want, no one has canceled the right to sex either. This is an anonymous letter from our reader.
“Now I understand women”: the story of a father who raised a child alone
This story could easily become the plot for a sitcom. Once upon a time, in the bachelor apartment of the editor-in-chief of a glossy magazine, Igor Shulinsky, loud parties did not stop until the morning. Until 4-year-old Leva appeared in it. Igor wrote for us in a series of columns about how easy it is to be a single father.
The main thing is patience
The wife cheated on her husband and how to return his affection? It is clear that it is very difficult for the injured man. For a long time he may not trust you and continue to suspect. Don't rush him. It is possible to revive a spouse's affection, but it is a difficult process:
- do not hope that your vows and confessions of betrayal are enough for your husband to forgive;
- Be patient, because for some time your husband will live with heightened emotions. He may have frequent mood swings. You will begin to notice detachment; a once loved one may seem like a complete stranger. This is fine;
- Do not set a deadline for your husband by which he must completely forgive you. Stop asking your spouse when he will be able to treat you the same.
If you follow these recommendations, over time, your beloved husband’s suspicion will begin to go away.
Cut off any contact with your lover
If a wife wants to return after cheating, first of all she will have to completely cut off contacts with her lover. It happens that getting rid of a lover is difficult. Therefore, he needs to make it clear that the relationship is completely over:
- be bolder. The spouse needs to admit his mistake, even if he only guessed about the betrayal, or suspected it. This way you will show that you completely trust your husband and expect the same from him;
- there is an opinion that it is worth sparing the husband’s psyche, otherwise he will be hurt when talking about the betrayal. But it’s better that he learns about what happened from you. Otherwise, the truth will still be revealed, but it is unknown in what form;
- prepare evidence of the breakup with your lover. This could be letters, messages in instant messengers, or a phone call (let your husband listen). This way your spouse will understand that he comes first for you.
In case of cheating on a spouse, the actions should be similar. How to return your husband’s love after his betrayal, if the mistress was a woman from your general environment? There is only one way out - ask her to say that the intrigue is over. True, such actions are not always successful.
