You can guess about problems in the family by how a man behaves after cheating: the mechanisms of behavior both with his wife and with others in general change. There are no “accidental” betrayals, there are poorly prepared ones.
If a man is satisfied with his family life and his psychological state, he is unlikely to make special acquaintances, arrange dates, walks, restaurants and other surroundings for the sake of one sex scene.
What does a cheating man think about?
Mood swings occur
Mood swings are caused by stress and conflicting feelings: a man understands that cheating can lead to painful consequences, so he urgently rebuilds his internal motivation.
He convinces himself that he has every right to try new relationships, gain additional experience, and relax properly. To justify his actions he uses such common truths as:
- “Men don’t cheat, they hunt”;
- “Everyone condemns me because they envy me”;
- "I cannot resist natural wisdom."
But no one has canceled family, social norms and responsibilities, so pleasant memories of forbidden pleasure collide with feelings of guilt and the need to observe home rituals.
After all, men are accustomed to acting “with an open visor” and feeling confident next to their chosen one; they want to parade together along the boardwalk, and not hide in random rooms.
In addition, regular infidelity is a serious symptom of family instability, this means that a man, for moral or material reasons, is not ready to part with his wife, is unable to overcome family disagreements, and is also experiencing various negative factors:
- own doubts, conflicting thoughts and feelings;
- wife's suspicions, scenes of jealousy;
- the pressure of a constant mistress who claims a more significant status;
- reproaches, condemnation of others, interference from relatives.
Psychologists' opinion!
Indeed, the process of betrayal affects both moral and physiological components, which are not always interrelated. But in any case, it is condemned by society, so happy lovers, after a dose of adrenaline, feel disappointment and the need for someone else’s approval.
Men often share details with friends, who will praise them and suggest better organizational methods. At least 20% of patients tell psychologists that they would like to get rid of the traumatic consequences after betrayal or family conflict on this basis.
We recommend reading: 8 reasons why the husband lost interest in his wife and what to do about it.
To forgive or not to forgive
It is very difficult to forgive the betrayal of your significant other. Accepting the situation and understanding the reason for the action will help you understand yourself and raise your fallen self-esteem. It is very important not to confuse forgiveness with the fear of being alone.
The best option in this case would be separation, but without negative emotions and hatred towards your ex-husband. These feelings ruin your life, prevent you from starting a new relationship, and constantly remind you of betrayal.
Performs unusual actions
If a man has not worked out the algorithm for his adventures, he is not sure how best to behave and what the possible consequences are. Therefore, he tries to get his bearings and check his wife’s reaction in various cases. Receives “unexpected” orders or additional tasks at work, tries to earn his wife’s trust with gifts or long-awaited help with housework.
Since a man spends his energy on his rival, he is not always able to maintain the same pace of intimate relationships. He tries to veil it with excessive care and attention, pleasant memories of the past.
Changes in a man’s behavior after betrayal also affect his appearance, the way he dresses, he wants to look younger, more modern. After all, they usually find younger mistresses than their wife, especially since they want to make a lasting impression.
A man tries out new haircuts and, under the influence of a secret companion, acquires a different perfume. Begins to get involved in speleology or historical reconstruction in order to distance himself from his wife and previous social circle.
Gets rougher
A nervous, irritated state can always be explained by problems at work and other difficulties, but in this case the man reacts dissatisfied to his previous relationship. He aggressively perceives the usual offer to go on a visit as another obstacle to his plans, and tries to come up with excuses.
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A man behaves rudely after cheating because he is unusual and uncomfortable in feeling like a potential victim who can be “identified” by his wife and make fair demands regarding unbridled morality and extraordinary actions.
It seems to him that he is being persecuted and condemned by those around him, that he is forced to justify himself for a “crime” that he did not commit. After all, in his opinion, this does not cause damage to family relationships if everything is organized correctly and “culturally”.
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Existing stereotypes
One of the established stereotypes of why a man cheats is his polygamy. They say that in the old days, when there were few people, men inseminated various women as often as possible, which replenished the demography of their nation. Whether this really happened is unknown. However, such a fairy tale ideally appealed to all men who do not want to be faithful.
The problem is that a man simply does not want to be faithful to one woman. Perhaps it's a habit. Or maybe he can’t stop anymore. However, there is a category of even fairly good and decent men who simply cannot stay with single women for a long time.
Either they cheat or quickly break off relationships with some women in order to quickly begin contacts with other young ladies. If a man does not think about his habit and does nothing about it, then he simply cannot be faithful.
The story of polygamy among men fits perfectly into the modern framework of life, when people feel free and able to explain their treacherous actions in any way they want. “All men are polygamous... All men cheat,” not only men but also women say confidently, truly believing it. However, the question remains: is a person familiar with all the men living on planet Earth? Does he really know that absolutely all men cheat?
The habit of attributing everything to polygamy makes women not trust men in principle. The gentleman has not yet had time to cheat on the woman before she is already sure that he is cheating on her. What does this lead to? To those actions that men do not like:
- She's watching him.
- She controls him.
- She checks his phone and address book.
- She initially does not trust him and suspects him.
- She constantly talks about some kind of betrayal that the man committed.
It turns out that a man, with his pride in his own polygamy, provokes behavior on the part of a woman that he does not like. This is where problems begin to arise: if a man is dissatisfied with his relationship, then he may think about cheating. Moreover, he thinks about betrayal not from the position of his own polygamy, but because he wants to relax, run away from the problem, and get some rest.
Are all men really polygamous and cheat on their women? Even men themselves cannot answer this question, because some cheat and some don’t.
Is it worth forgiving a man's infidelity? This is every woman's business. It all depends on many factors, which include the feelings of the woman herself, her desires, as well as her willingness to be responsible for the consequences of her own decisions.
Shows secrecy
Secret affairs, passwords and appearances arise, you need to block your phone, promptly “clean up” social networks and perform many other “underground” actions. The level of secrecy is simply off the charts, the phone number of his mistress is signed only as “plumber Nikifor Filimonovich,” although messages from him come with a rather vague meaning.
And most importantly, you have to hide your state of mind, when a man, after betrayal, feels euphoria and a feeling of flight from a successful rendezvous, you have to put on a face exhausted by back-breaking work.
It seems to him that he can be identified by the aroma of other people's perfume - he needs to immediately run to wash himself, by after-hours calls and messages - he needs to hide the phone under the mattress.
The rudeness that has already been mentioned also arises in connection with the need to “defend” one’s autonomous territory. After all, a man is sure that he has the right to an existence independent from others and is not obliged to account for his actions.
If a man finds out about his wife’s infidelity, he will try to hide it from others. He is sure that this will discredit him as the head of the family, which means that he could not hold the woman and cope with the critical situation. And if a wife finds out about her husband’s infidelity, she will rush to tell about it everywhere, blaming him or his “slut”, anyone, but not herself.
How to restore a relationship
It will take a lot of time to improve relations with your husband after betrayal and remain a full-fledged family, because the heart wound is deep, which means it will leave a scar.
But you should strictly remember that remembering and, of course, reproaching your husband for treason is strictly prohibited. Since you have decided to restore your family, this topic should be closed once and for all. Plunge into the world of your children, it will help you cope with the pain easier. Don’t make hysterics and scenes, wisdom should be above all, sometimes silence helps you understand how big a mistake your spouse made by exchanging you for a dummy. Love yourself and don't let yourself be bullied like that anymore. Let him now seek your affection and love.
Tries to be alone
Even in the process of spending time together, a cheating man periodically tries to be alone: he needs to communicate with his mistress, make a new date, talk about feelings and, of course, control her location, otherwise he suddenly decides to sneak away.
Therefore, he will urgently need to go buy milk at midnight or help a friend water the houseplants. Regular meetings with his mistress require great resourcefulness, which must be squeezed into a busy schedule between work and family matters.
It is the natural sense of ownership that creates the most problems in such situations: a man wants to dominate both his wife and his mistress, he wants to keep both.
He is always afraid to “let go” of his wife or mistress, so that she does not have the opportunity to compare his merits with subsequent males, in case he is left with not the best impressions. He must feel like an alpha carrier, after which no one will dare to encroach on the coveted female.
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First reaction
At first, the news of your husband's infidelity may be shocking. The reaction can be different: surprise, disbelief, anger, resentment, disappointment, etc. But it is very important to control yourself and not do any irreparable things.
Don't do rash things that you will regret later.
First you need to safely release the steam and cool down a bit:
- Be alone . Take time off from work early, ask your parents or nanny to babysit the children. Go to nature to get some fresh air. It is better not to see the traitor for several days - to live with parents, friends, or in a hotel.
- Release your anger . You are overwhelmed with negative emotions that need to be released. Usually, screaming, loud singing in a loud voice, or breaking dishes helps. When doing this, be careful not to cut yourself.
- Speak out . You need to get your thoughts in order. A good friend, a professional psychologist, women on forums, or a letter to yourself will help with this. Don't hold back, say or write what you think. Sometimes in a conversation women look at the situation with different eyes, which helps them make the right decision.
- Take a break . It is clear that thoughts will return to this topic again and again. Well, you need to get away from them at least for a while. Go to bed, read a book, watch a movie, play a game. Sometimes it helps to distract yourself with everyday tasks that will return you to a sense of normalcy: washing the dishes, vacuuming, dusting.
As soon as the first emotions fade away, you will be able to take a sober look at the situation and make an informed decision.
Starts to deceive
You can deceive once, you can deceive one person, but you cannot always deceive everyone! Truth, like water, will make its way through any stones and obstacles.
When a man begins to lead a parallel existence, he has to “encrypt” himself from his wife, and from friends, and from relatives, and possibly from mutual acquaintances on the part of his new passion. Of course, you have to figure out a lot about where and when you went, where you spent the premium, why you were “out of reach,” and various other things.
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In addition, the new lover has to come up with many versions for his mistress, who asks “uncomfortable” questions: how do you feel about your wife? When will you tell others about our relationship? Lying becomes a habitual way of thinking, a man begins to lie even unnecessarily, “just in case.”
Usually people living in the same environment somehow intersect at work or in public places, so it is almost impossible to hide your romance for a long time. You have to deceive even when irrefutable evidence and proof arise.
Here are the most ridiculous “excuses” after exposure, which show how strange men think and behave after cheating (according to the site pikabu.ru):
- “In fact, this is not cheating, I don’t feel anything towards her”;
- “I was just trying to improve my self-esteem”;
- “At first it happened by chance, and then it was awkward for me to refuse”;
- “I had an alcoholic father and an evil stepmother, so I need more attention”;
- “I always returned to you after that and brought expensive gifts”;
- “Why do you suspect me? We were just warming ourselves under the blanket!”
9 stages of living with infidelity and tips for overcoming them
People experience the betrayal of a loved one in different ways : they become depressed, experience shock, and begin to hate themselves and their chosen one. Experiences associated with a lover’s infidelity are divided into 9 stages. Depending on what psychological characteristics a woman has, they become longer, shorter or disappear altogether. Understanding that the emotions experienced are temporary will help ease mental pain and refrain from hasty decisions.
Shock and disbelief - 1
The most standard reaction to a spouse’s betrayal is disbelief, shock, and denial of what happened . Having heard about the betrayal, representatives of the fair sex try not to notice the evidence; they consider this unpleasant news a bad joke or a lie.
This reaction is a defense mechanism . Its duration ranges from a couple of minutes of amazement to 4-5 days of denial. If the wife has long suspected that her husband is going “to the left,” then this phase may be absent altogether.
To avoid shock, you need to know the signs of male infidelity:
- unexpected closeness, refusal to talk and explain;
- lying without good reason;
- the husband tries to avoid joint activities with his wife;
- excessive attention to appearance;
- avoidance of intimacy;
- sudden heavy workload;
- unreasonable financial expenses;
- aggression, irritability;
- suspicious scratches and marks on the body.
Aggression towards oneself - 2
In the second stage, the betrayed woman experiences self-hatred. She feels her insignificance and subconsciously shares the blame for what happened with the cheater, goes over “shoals” and offenses in her memory.
The duration of this stage is from two to three hours to one month. Being at this stage, it is necessary to take into account that “searching for oneself” after betrayal is a defensive reaction of the psyche.
Contemplating betrayal - 3
To avoid feeling guilty, you need to understand how to prevent infidelity and take the following actions:
- do not make a scandal, do not blame, talk openly with your beloved;
- bring back romance and care into the relationship;
- take initiative, diversify your intimate life;
- perceive your life partner as an individual, respect his interests;
- listen to the chosen one, provide assistance in solving problems.
If all this does not help, the deceived wife understands that she has done everything possible. And then the next stage comes.
Aggression towards the cheater – 4
Women's aggression, which was initially directed at itself, turns to the culprits: an unfaithful husband, a homewrecker, and other people involved in the affair. A woman stops controlling her emotions, starts scandals, and thinks through a plan of revenge. The duration of the fourth stage is quite long and can take from one month to one or two years.
Feeling of no future - 5
Over time, aggression subsides and is replaced by a feeling of constant pressure and stress. The woman feels as if her life is over and there will never be a happy relationship again. This phase is characterized by attempts to maintain the relationship or, on the contrary, avoidance of the spouse.
This period lasts a couple of months, and if the relationship was short-lived, it is often absent.
The desire to return the past - 6
At this stage, there is a desire to return everything to normal. The wife is ready to ask for the infidelity of her beloved, trying to prove that she still loves him. The flaring fire of passion is nothing more than an attempt to keep the beloved. The duration of the stage varies - it may not exist at all, last a couple of weeks, several months or even several years.
Awareness that there will be no previous relationship - 7
In the seventh phase, the wife understands that after the betrayal, the relationship will never be the same again. Despite the flared passion, the woman still feels deceived. It is difficult for her to communicate with her loved one; there is no more trust. Suspicions of new betrayals arise, and during quarrels he remembers infidelity.
If, after the betrayal, the family breaks up, then the fair sex begins to get used to the changes in her life. She forgets her ex, stops suffering, and turns her attention to more important aspects of her life. The duration of this stage takes up to six months.
Exhaustion - 8
The phase of exhaustion occurs regardless of whether the family has survived or not. In the first case, quarrels, stress, endless nagging appear, and coldness arises in the couple. Spouses become indifferent to each other. The stage lasts from 1 to 2 months, sometimes it can last longer, becoming the cause of clinical depression.
Making a decision and stabilizing the situation - 9
The last stage is emotional stabilization. A devoted woman recovers from the psychological trauma inflicted on her and returns to her usual course of life. At this stage, all the nuances are analyzed. If the relationship was able to “survive” to this phase, then the chances of returning to the previous relationship increase significantly.
