: Reading time:
Family psychologist Maria Samotsvetova tells where resentment toward mom comes from, how to deal with it (and whether it should be done).
People who come to therapy can be divided into two types: those who think that “mom has nothing to do with it,” and those who think that “it’s all mother’s fault.” I don’t know who is right, but I know that sooner or later psychotherapeutic work “descends” to the level of relationships with parents, to childhood experience; sooner or later we come to mom.
Why does the resentment not go away?
As a rule, feelings “get stuck”, repeat themselves, go in a vicious circle when they do not find expression.
How it works? Any feeling is a reaction to some event in the external world. It is given to us as a hint, that is, the feeling helps determine how we feel about this event and how we should react to it.
Imagine your friend telling you: “This new jacket suits you very well!” Most likely, you will feel joy, pleasure, and gratitude to your friend. These feelings will make you smile and say thank you.
Or a neighbor's boy hit your window with a ball - then you will get angry and go to deal with his parents - demand an apology and compensation for the damage.
The same thing happens in relationships with parents. When your mother says or shows you through her actions: “You are my biggest mistake in life!” – you also have a variety of feelings. Most likely, great bitterness or intense anger, even rage.
But here's the difference. Often, no matter how great the intensity of feelings for your mother is, you are so overwhelmed by them that it is very difficult to digest them, analyze the situation, and respond adequately.
After all, on the one hand, it’s hard not to love your mother. On the other hand, at this moment I want to kill her. The combination of anger and love is precisely the feeling of resentment. I hate you, but I love you - and therefore I cannot hate you.
Late entry into adulthood
A bad relationship with mom can begin when a person begins adulthood. Sometimes it is impossible to do without the need to defend one’s own beliefs and plans, the choice of comrades and partners. Quite often, a mother’s vision of the future differs from the plans of a grown child, and expressing her own (different from her) opinion evokes a negative reaction, from grins to harsh criticism. A parent can suffocate with reproaches, for example, that she is given too little attention. The result is a whole set of problems:
- The mother begins to be perceived as the most important and main person, other people fade into the background.
- A person is frankly afraid of becoming autonomous; he cannot live without control.
- A feeling of loneliness develops when the parent is not around.
- There are no serious relationships, no family and no children.
- Feeling guilty for one's own needs, desires and aspirations.
- Regular self-punishment, lack of self-realization.
- Addiction to risk and danger, alcoholism, overeating, drug addiction.
- Frequent quarrels with mother, expectation of punishment.
- Attempts to achieve maternal love at any cost.
- Comparison of wife and mother.
- Marriage with subsequent claims to the spouse that he does not pay enough attention.
Other consequences can be added to this series. The point, however, is not in specific examples, but in the main reason - the constant desire to find maternal love, which does not stop even after the death of the parent.
What to do with old grudges
Your task is to restore the interrupted cycle “emotion – desire – action”. To do this, you need to figure out what exactly interrupted him.
For example, you love your mother so much that it is impossible to express your feelings to her. It seems that if you honestly tell her about how hurt and offended you are, your mother will immediately treat you differently and begin to love you less.
I think your fears may be partly correct and adequate. Mom, especially if she is old and has always been hot-tempered and touchy, can easily take offense at your claims. But any complaints can always be formulated in an inoffensive manner.
Compare: “Mom, I want to tell you honestly: you ruined my whole life and I hate you!” and “Mom, I have heavy feelings in my soul. Will you listen to what I say? When you told me that you didn’t want me, I felt completely unnecessary to you. I was very hurt. It would help me a lot if you said that you really don’t think so and that you are important.”
Of course, not every mother will be affected by such words. Some mothers may even say something even more offensive in response. If it seems to you that this will be the case with your mother, then I completely trust your feeling. There is another way in this case.
Forced to grow up early
Diana, 30 years old:
“I was always considered mature beyond my years. I was flattered by this. By the time I was in second grade, I was able to go to school on my own, didn’t ask for help with homework, knew how to cook, and took care of my mother. Mom drank from time to time. She can be understood. Exactly a month before I was born, my father died in a car accident. She could not cope with her grief and often said that if not for this, we would be the happiest family in the world. I never knew in what condition I would find her at home when I returned from school. At the age of eight, I already knew what to do in case of intoxication and where to call if it didn’t come.
Now I'm thirty. Life has improved. I hold a leadership position, work a lot and get very tired. Now I have to support my family. A family consists of a mother and two cats. She hasn't drunk for a long time. But after a stroke she became unable to work. The only thing that really bothers me is the lack of privacy.”
If a woman has suffered emotional trauma that drains all of her energy, if she is physically or mentally ill, if she is under extreme stress or is overwhelmed, she may switch roles with her child, forcing him to take on parental responsibilities.
This does not mean at all that she does not love her child: she can love him with all her soul - but not have the strength for maternal responsibilities.
Children of mothers who cannot cope with their own responsibility are forced to grow up early, as in the case of Diana. As adults, such people feel comfortable at work, they are prone to workaholism and achievement - this behavior helps them feel safe.
However, it is difficult for them to build a trusting relationship with anyone: on the one hand, they want to relax and let go of control, and on the other hand, they are very afraid that without control their whole life will collapse. It is difficult for them to rely on someone, because from early childhood they have learned: “You can only count on yourself.”
The consequences of this type of childhood experience can also be:
- difficulty understanding one’s own desires and experiences;
- feeling guilty when trying to follow your desires;
- feeling of lost childhood;
- inability to “play” (experiment, be spontaneous, flexible and inquisitive);
- tendency to take responsibility for others (even if they are independent adults);
- Difficulties in separation from parents and building your own personal life.
If you can't talk to your mom
This method consists of two parts and is suitable for independent work. They use it when the mother is no longer there or frankly, calm communication with her is impossible for some reason.
You remember the importance of not blocking the feelings you are experiencing, but finding an appropriate way to express them.
If expression directly is not possible, then expression through fantasy will do.
The instructions for the first part of the exercise are as follows:
- Place your mother's photo on the table. Imagine your mother - at the age at which your resentment was strongest.
- Tell “mom” about your grievance. Say whatever comes to mind, without choosing any expressions. This technique is good because you can express yourself as fully as possible without holding back. If you feel like screaming, scream. You can even throw the photo off the table or tear it into small pieces.
- Stop the moment you feel enough is enough. You can feel this physically - most likely, during the exercise your body will move, tense, maybe you will clench your fists. When it's time to finish, you'll feel more relaxed.
When the first stage is completed, evaluate your condition. Have you been able to tone down your emotions a little? Do you feel like you've spoken out? How much easier has it become for you if you rate your condition on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 was your offense before the exercise)?
If your score has become noticeably lower, you can move on to the second part of the exercise. This part is done “with a cool head.”
Attention: everything written below is not suitable for working with traumatic experiences that were the result of delinquent behavior of the mother (this includes everything that the law defines as a crime: violence, bullying, leaving in danger, etc.)
How to accept your parents
This desire already indicates your maturity, your readiness to take responsibility for your feelings.
We often blame our mom and dad. And we remember not the best moments. How we were punished, scolded, disrespected. But even if so, then this time is already in the past. And to this day we continue to experience negative emotions. Which only harm ourselves.
At the same time, these same parents did a lot of good things for us.
One of the most important points to realize is the following : mom and dad usually want only good, and behind their reproaches and moralizing there is a positive intention. It’s just that the methods are quite traumatic for the psyche. It turns out that they often want to lead to good, but do not know how to convey their desire to their children in a kind way.
Let's move on to the techniques.
Psychology has different techniques for working through emotions. But we would like to touch on the techniques of gratitude and repentance.
Gratitude is the understanding that you came into this Light not on your own, but thanks to your mom and dad. They gave you this opportunity. Without them you wouldn't exist. We are not always able to sincerely thank our loved ones, looking them in the eyes. But even if you do it to yourself, acceptance is a matter of time. With constant work, you will increasingly focus on the pros rather than the cons.
Metaphysical theories explain even more deeply: that you yourself chose your parents for the work that you need to do in your current life.
Repentance is another powerful technique. In which we not only thank, but ask for forgiveness. Yes, we ask you to forgive us for what we ourselves have done wrong for our loved ones. And this, most likely, was also enough. It’s just that we always have a very strong desire to whitewash ourselves and make others guilty. Confirm that you are right against his background.
These are the techniques that help you accept.
Three questions about your mother
So, if the hurricane of your emotions has subsided, but resentment and bitterness towards your mother remain, try to answer the following questions for yourself:
- What was your mother's childhood like? Was she happy with him?
- In your opinion, on a “cool” head, is there anything to feel sorry for your mother for? How difficult was it for her to raise you due to objective circumstances - wealth, living conditions, the situation in the country and in the world?
- What did your mother do good for you? What are you grateful to her for?
By answering these questions, you will recreate a more objective picture of the reality of your childhood. Often, resentment towards parents is due to the fact that we are twisted into an emotional knot and it is difficult for us to get out of it. It’s like a snow storm: we walk and it’s as if there’s nothing around.
It is important here not to close your eyes to the grievances that you have, and to look at your mother through rose-colored glasses instead of black ones. And to see the three-dimensional picture - yes, in some ways my mother was a bad mother for me. This is true. And this part of history cannot be rewritten. But in some ways she was good. Like all people. Just like ourselves.
What you have learned in this exercise can be used as a self-support technique in the future. If you again feel offended by your mother, remember this principle - to paint a three-dimensional picture. Sometimes it takes several approaches to relieve feelings of resentment.
Overprotective mother
Serious problem. Maximum attention, care, 100% control of the child’s behavior and actions. The reason is fear, worries about children. The world around them is perceived as a permanent threat to their lives, and a desire for restrictions appears.
Limitations lead to the fact that the child does not develop a range of knowledge about the world, he does not receive sufficient experience necessary for social interaction and making his own decisions. Such people are often called “infantile,” but the roots of infantilism are sometimes often associated with parental behavior. Violation of boundaries and excessive guardianship do not fit in with the freedom of choice and responsibility of the individual to others.
As a rule, the roots go to the parent complexes. Low self-esteem, a feeling of anxiety, a tendency towards idealism, a lack of satisfaction from one’s status and life achievements - all this can lead to overprotection.
When you need specialist help
If you are overwhelmed with emotions, if self-support techniques that you read on the Internet do not work, if resentment towards your mother ruins your life, communication with relatives has become very difficult, you can turn to a psychologist for help.
A specialist will help you get out of the emotional hole. Not everyone can cope with this on their own - and there is no shame in asking for help. We don’t endure toothache forever. There is no reason to endure mental pain either. Healthy? Join my group on VKontakte: You can also find me on FB, LiveJournal and Telegram:
Why is this approach important?
Parents occupy a central place in our lives. They are sources of energy, the proper use of which allows one to achieve success in life, especially expressed in contacts with representatives of the opposite sex. Parental denial is destructive in nature, spreading to all areas of life. Does a woman not accept her mother? There is a high probability of difficulties conceiving a baby, problems during pregnancy and other negative consequences. It's hardly worth paying such a high price.
