“Mom is sacred.” Why it's okay not to love your parents

Why don't children have to love their parents?

Children don't owe their parents anything. Being born is not a choice, but giving birth is. When adults decide to have a child, they take on the responsibility to invest resources in it, including emotional ones - to love, accept, respect and care. They are adults and can make a choice, that is, love and show this love so that the child knows about it.

Most likely, if the parents treat the child this way, he will also sincerely love them. Then it won’t even occur to him that he “should love,” because it will happen naturally. But even complete dedication does not guarantee that loving relationships will be built in the family: this is influenced by many factors.

What problems arise?

The main problems with parents in adult children that can cause negative feelings (usually less intense than hatred and expressed hostility):

1. Parents treat an adult child like a small child and interfere too much in his life. This is most relevant in cases where the child was overprotected in the family.
   His mother and father, who did everything for him, made decisions for him and felt absolute power, are faced with circumstances in which he does not need them. Firstly, this leads to a crisis, parents feel that they have grown old, that most of their life has passed, they feel fear, and secondly, they do not like that they have lost control. In some cases, parents do not even fully realize that their children have entered an independent life and do not need an excessive amount of help. They impose themselves, give inappropriate advice, get angry, judge, press for pity, blackmail, and the grown-up child begins to feel irritated and angry.
2. The parent develops age-related pathologies that negatively affect his character and personality. Discirculatory encephalopathy, consequences of stroke and other vascular problems, depression, Alzheimer's disease, hypochondria can seriously change the personality of an elderly parent, make his decisions and behavior illogical, inadequate, and complicate interaction with him. It is important for children caring for their parents to be aware of their illnesses and how they affect their personality.

Also, negative feelings may arise towards parents who have serious pathological addictions (gambling addiction, alcoholism, drug addiction).

How does love arise between parents and children?

It is believed that parent-child love is unconditional. That it is born at the moment the child is born and continues throughout life.

If we talk about the norm, for the first time after birth the child is constantly close to his parents, especially his mother. She satisfies his needs: feeds him, hugs him, helps him fall asleep, washes him, calms him down. A secure attachment is formed: the child reaches out to his mother and shows love.

But the appearance and retention of love largely depends on the parents.

Run away from home so as not to see them

— I ran away from home a year ago. My father, in principle, hates me throughout his life without any reason, I was just not born the way he dreamed: a real man should love hunting and fishing, but I love cinema and theater, so I am considered a degenerate and a renegade.

That day, my father came home from work, clearly in a bad mood, sat watching TV, and I was walking with tea, tripped and spilled it on the carpet. It’s even somehow embarrassing to say that because of such nonsense, such a mess turned out to be. He jumped up, slapped me in the face and began yelling that I could only ruin everything, you couldn’t save me, I was a complete freak and it would be better if I died. And this is if you don’t remember the obscene expressions.

I couldn’t stand it and started snapping. Mom came running from the kitchen and, understandably, began yelling at me along with him - about how unfinished and ungrateful I was, my father was making fun of me, and I was a pig. I started grunting - well, if it’s a pig, then it’s a pig. My father started to fight, I fought back, he broke my nose - in general, the ideal poster family.

When the bleeding stopped, I packed a backpack with things, I had some money - they gave it to me for my birthday. In the morning they left for work before me, I took some food from the refrigerator and went to school. There I told my best friend everything, he supported me, brought me food. Well, they tracked me down through him, even though he wasn’t guilty and didn’t say anything to anyone.

I spent the night in the basement. I knew this place for a long time; guys usually hang out there in the winter, but in the spring there is no one. During the day, I usually walked the streets, sat in the library or in the shopping center - it’s not dangerous there. And at the station, for example, they can only sweep it this way, there are a lot of street children going there.

Of course, I didn’t go to school—not because I wanted to skip school, but because my parents went there first. The funny thing is that they were so afraid that they would be considered bad parents that they came up with some stupid story about me getting involved with a bad one. Although my classmates knew the truth, no one told my parents or teachers anything.

After school during the day I went to my friends, washed with them, ate, and in the evening I went to the basement again. At least I felt like a human being. Maybe this is how people become homeless - from their “loving” mom and dad?

Well, then they tracked me down and begged me to come home. And for a whole week there was peace and grace, only very quickly my escape became another reason for ridicule: “What, did you run far, you rogue? Without your parents, you are nothing, and there is no way to call you!” And they didn't even think about why I did it.

And don’t be surprised later that children commit suicide, and their parents make angelic faces after that - we loved him so much, we don’t know what could have happened.

I'm planning to run away again this summer. My friend’s parents in another city are leaving to work abroad, he will live alone, I’ll go to him. My parents don't know about him. I don't care how they feel. Because they don't care how I feel.

I'm just waiting for me to finish school. Of course, I want to go to university, but only on an evening or part-time basis, so I can go to work, rent a room and leave them.

What prevents a child from loving his parents?

Inconsistent reactions

For example, when the mother does not come to the child’s cry every time or often screams in response. When she can caress you today and hit you tomorrow. In such a situation, the child does not feel safe. He may act distant or display his feelings inconsistently. Is it easy to love an abrasive or emotionally unavailable parent? Most often not.

Lack of attention

For example, a child is “handed over” to his grandparents. Can a child fall in love with someone who does not spend time with him, whom he does not know at all? This is unlikely because love comes from recognition. But it’s quite possible to continue dreaming about this love, waiting and inventing it. Then it will be love not for a real person, but for a fantasy of parental love and a parent.

Physical and emotional abuse

Can a child continue to love someone who, year after year, destroys you and makes you experience unimaginable pain? Can a child even know how to love if he has not been loved? It's very hard.

Is it possible to improve the relationship?

It is important for any person seeking to get out of a conflict situation and restore a healthy relationship with someone to remember that it is impossible to do this unilaterally .

It is necessary that all parties consciously strive to reach understanding and harmony.

Advice from psychologists for people with toxic parents:

1. Increase your distance. If the severity of toxicity was truly significant, turning your childhood into a painful nightmare, and your parents never showed any desire to correct what happened, did not feel shame and remorse and continue to create discomfort, you should not maintain a close relationship with them. The likelihood that they will treat you well one day is extremely low.
2. See a psychotherapist. If there is toxicity in parent-child relationships, the risk that grown-up children will carry complexes and suffer from mental illness for decades is very high. High-quality psychotherapeutic treatment will help you feel better and partially recover.

Advice from psychologists for people whose parents suffer from diseases that affect mental health:

1. Try to understand your parents' diagnoses if you notice that they are behaving strangely. If they have not been examined for a long time, they should be persuaded to do so.
   When trying to persuade, be polite and caring, and provide constructive arguments. Some older people may be reluctant to visit doctors because of the high cost of medications and tests. Promise them that you will pay for everything and let them know that this will not be a problem. When you receive information from doctors, try to learn more about the diagnoses and what they can affect. For example, atherosclerosis and hypertension increase the risk of developing dyscirculatory encephalopathy. Understanding that parents' behavior is due to illness can help maintain patience.
2. Try to bring as little negativity as possible into your parents' lives and as much positivity as possible. Protect them from your problems, do not tell them what they will definitely react to with irritation and anger. It's better to give them as much warmth and care as possible. Give nice gifts, talk about abstract topics, go for walks together.

General recommendations for improving relationships for children:

1. Use constructive dialogue. Talk about your inconveniences in a calm tone, avoid any aggression, while making it clear that refusing to accept your mother or father's conditions does not mean that you do not love them. When talking about your discomfort, do not use accusing language (“You are ruining my mood,” “You are behaving badly”), but put pressure on empathy (“When you did that, I was very upset”). At the same time, look for compromises and offer solutions.
2. Ask questions. Ask to explain their behavior, ask what compromise will suit them, try to put yourself in their place. Show that you value them by being willing to listen, not just talk.
3. Give positive emotions. Offer to attend events together, communicate on abstract topics, do interesting things together, come up with projects, avoid quarrels and scandals.
4. Resign yourself if you see that the desire to improve relationships is one-sided. A conservative-minded parent may be convinced that he is right, despite any efforts, and this will have to be accepted.
   If there is no mutual desire to restore normal relationships, nothing will be able to be corrected. Try to keep your distance and help your parents as much as you can.

Recommendations for parents:

1. Be open, fight conservative attitudes. The idea “the parent is always right” is controversial, and your task should be to find a solution and restore full communication, and not to prove that you are right. Your child is no longer small and is capable of managing his own life. Even if his decisions are wrong, in your opinion, he has the right to make them. It is important for you to convey your opinion in a polite manner, give reasons for it and give the opportunity to decide for yourself.
2. Communicate with your child as equals. He is already an adult and wants to receive an adult attitude that will allow him and you to find reasonable solutions. The times when you were in charge and decided everything for him are gone, and his right to manage his own life should be recognized.

Family psychologists can help restore healthy relationships between parents and children .

What to do if your mother doesn't love you? You will find the answer on our website.

How to stop feeling guilty for not loving your parents?

A child is often told that he should thank his parents for his birth. And this gratitude must be shown through care, respect, communication. But if the parents’ relationship with the child is manipulative and traumatic, he will do this not out of love, but out of guilt and shame.

It is easier to continue to experience pain from communicating with your mother than to break off the relationship and face the condemnation of others. Especially for someone who has lived in condemnation and rejection all his life.

A child is ready to love from birth. Abandoning parents is a very difficult step for every person. And if he decided to do this, then there is a good reason and choice in favor of mental and physical health.

I think every person has the right to choose not to experience pain. Sometimes the price is ending the relationship with the one who causes this pain.

To cope with feelings of guilt, you need to understand where it comes from. For example, parents and others imposed that love for parents is unconditional and undeniable. A person may feel like he is bad or abnormal if he does not feel warm feelings or does not want to help his parents. Each such case is individual, and it is better to discuss painful moments in relationships with parents with a psychologist.

Who is guilty?

Parents are usually to blame for the appearance of old grievances in children , since these grievances begin to grow in early childhood due to the incorrect and sometimes toxic behavior of the mother or father.

But looking for someone to blame for more recent conflicts is futile.

It is much more important for parents to realize that their children have grown up and learn to keep their distance from them , and for children to be patient and understand how best to interact with their parents.

How to cope with hatred of your own child? Advice from psychologists will help you!

What to do if parents try to manipulate through love?

“Well, how can you not help your mother?”, “We are everything to you, and you are nothing to us,” “We raised such an ungrateful daughter” - these are manipulations that are based on a feeling of gratitude. Their frequent use leads to severe feelings of guilt.

The catch is that parents are responsible for the exchange - “first we are for you, then you are for us.” At the moment when the “agreement was drawn up,” the child could not consciously accept it. And when he grows up, he finds himself trapped and feels that he has no choice: he must love and help.

What to do about it?

• The first step: notice the manipulation.
• The second step is to realize that it triggers your feelings of guilt, which you should not feel.
• Third step: build and defend your boundaries. Help parents when there is a desire and opportunity.

Try to convey to your parents that there was no agreement, and love and help are not an obligation. For example: “Just because I can’t help you now doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for everything you’ve done,” or “Your love and care was your choice. I can’t/don’t want to pay for them.” If you know that such conversations provoke scandals and other difficult situations for which you are not prepared, do what is best for you - even if it means distancing yourself. It may be easier to live and accept this situation with the support of a psychologist.

Resentment: psychology and reasons

People of any age are not required to have positive feelings towards their parents.

Any feelings experienced towards them are normal, and one should not try to present them as not normal, especially since every feeling, both positive and negative, requires reasons.

Negative feelings towards parents can have different expressions : from mild hostility to strong hatred.

At the same time, a negative feeling may not be permanent, but appear from time to time, for example, in cases when another conflict arose between a parent and an adult child.

Acute hatred is usually observed in the following cases:

1. When parents behaved toxically for a long time. Toxicity can refer to many conditions.
   This includes various types of violence (physical - beatings, pushes, slaps, taking away food as punishment (“Today you will go without dinner”); psychological - gaslighting, refusal to provide medical care, invasion of personal space, even the desire to not give the child the opportunity to do this to have personal space, ridicule, humiliation, insults, a ban on hobbies, going for walks, communicating with anyone; sexual - rape, involvement in the provision of sexual services, actions of a sexual nature), and refusal to fulfill parental responsibilities, ignoring the needs of children , and the desire to place exorbitant responsibility on the child, to force him to fulfill all his whims. You can read more about what toxicity is in the book Toxic Parents, written by Susan Forward. A grown-up child who has met good people, who has received care and love, who has fully realized that what was happening to him is terrible, can begin to hate his parents extremely strongly and feel acute resentment.
2. When something happened that dramatically changed the attitude of children towards their parents. For example, one of the parents committed a serious crime.
   Or the truth about some of his actions came to light. If what happened was serious and contrary to the moral principles present in children, they may turn away from the parent. Also, hatred towards one of the parents can arise in cases where he or she has behaved extremely toxicly towards the spouse for a long time.
3. When one or both parents, having learned some information about the grown-up child, began to behave toxically. There can be many reasons for a change in attitude. For example, parents learned the truth about the child’s sexual orientation, which he hid. Either he lost his job, or chose as his partner an unsuitable candidate, in the opinion of his parents, or changed his faith. If they begin to aggressively try to “correct” the child, this may cause hatred or expressed hostility in him.

A strong negative reaction to parents can occur if a person begins treatment with a qualified psychotherapist , since during the treatment process he will inevitably be forced to relive situations that caused him burning pain in childhood.

If treatment with a psychotherapist causes such reactions, this is a good sign that the therapy is working as expected.

Sometimes hatred or expressed hostility arises towards a good, responsible parent .

This usually happens when a person is involved in a toxic romantic relationship and is not sufficiently aware of it, and one or both parents notice and try to help.

In this case, the person may begin to get angry with them, because they speak poorly of their lover, who “is not really like that at all.”

Symptoms of an “unloved child”

Children who need their parents' attention try to win it in any way. These can be not only good deeds, but also screams, hysterics and disobedience.

If a child is deprived of affection and care, he becomes aggressive or withdrawn. At a young age, he requires increased attention. For example, in kindergarten he will hug and kiss everyone. And at school, on the contrary, he will become a brawler and a bully.

A child who needs communication and does not receive it suffers from self-esteem. He is not confident in his abilities, he has very low motivation to study.

When a baby does not feel the protection of his parents, he will provoke them in every possible way. For example, he will constantly get sick in order to receive care that he was not given when healthy.

A good parent allows more

Another reason for a child's preference for one adult over another may be stronger subordination. The baby simply knows which parent allows him more, and therefore he prefers his company more than the presence of parent number two.

Of course, it should be emphasized that the child’s behavior should not go beyond the limits of what is permitted by adults. The rules for raising a child must be determined by the parents, and, most importantly, they must consistently adhere to them.

Cutting corners and giving in to a child on the part of mom or dad not only can result in one adult in the family being given the title of best parent, but it also undermines the authority of the other parent. In addition, this leads to a blurring of the child's boundaries, which increases disobedience.

Mirror reflection

One of the reasons why children don't like their parents may be due to mirroring. This happens when parents do not show enough emotion to express love for their children. Consequently, children begin to feel the same way.

In such cases, attachment limits or blocks their full emotional development. Parents consciously or unconsciously break off relations with their child. In fact, they convey to children the idea that the connection between them should not be emotional, but more functional and practical.

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In this case, the child most likely simply will not learn to express his emotions. In fact, he will express indifference to everyone, since this is exactly what he receives from his parents. In fact, in such families there is love, but at the same time it is restrained.

Setting boundaries

Psychotherapist Pavel Beschastnov considers the lack of timely separation to be the main problem for children. Parents should not be allowed to control the life of an adult son or daughter. Moreover, if there is a toxic relationship in the family, it is necessary to end it in a timely manner. Even complete lack of communication will be better than these harmful contacts.

Parents must understand that no one owes them anything, and children, in turn, must help their father and mother, take care of them, maintaining personal boundaries. You can simply arrange meetings or calls at a certain time, and this will be quite enough.