Why does a person love a person? Is everyone capable of love?

Why does a man need a woman?
Why do you need your loved one?
The woman you love shouldn't make you happy
Lover for love or for fun?
Bottom line

If you remember your childhood, you will not be able to remember that you were worried about questions about where to find your beloved and how to build a normal relationship with her. However, from the moment of puberty, you began to be interested in the opposite sex, not just as a friend, but also as a sexual object with whom you can build a relationship. Who is a loved one, why is he needed and how to build a relationship with him, the men's site masculino.ru will tell you.

Why does a person need love?

The soul lives, develops, creates, grows only thanks to love, just like our arms, legs move, heart beats, blood constantly moves in a circle, and the brain functions only thanks to nutrition. It is not difficult to imagine what can happen if a person stops eating and drinking. Loss of strength, illness and - ultimately - inevitable death. What can happen if a person stops loving a person?

Peace of soul and body

Mother Teresa once said that in our troubled world there are many people who die of hunger, but there are even more who have heart failure from lack of love. Indeed, from a lack of love, from the impossibility or inability to love a person, inevitable hunger sets in, the soul gets sick, little by little becomes exhausted and leaves this world. People who perceive the world literally, who accept as truth only what can be seen with their own eyes, what is easy to touch, perhaps hear or touch, will be skeptical about this statement. Well, let it be... Soul, faith, love - this is what is impossible to touch and what is unimaginable to see, but this is what is actually primary, what determines and creates the most tangible reality. However, even believers call this a miracle...

And again about love...

Writers, poets, philosophers, musicians, scientists and the simplest inhabitants... Everyone has spoken, is speaking and will continue to speak about love. It cannot be said that the judgments of some are correct and those of others are superficial. All of them are amazing, deep, beautiful and unique in their own way. The only difference is that some were lucky enough to be heard by millions, while others were able to share their feelings only with loved ones. However, the importance of neither the first nor the second is diminished by this. Everyone has their own soul, their own love, their own ability to love, their own incomparable feelings and experiences, and therefore their own destiny, like never-repeating patterns on the fingertips. Living our lives, meeting certain people, losing them, feeling pain or being inspired by happiness, at every segment of our life’s path, right up to the very last days, we give our definition of love, our understanding of why a person loves. And it doesn’t matter whether this discovery is big or insignificant - every last drop is an invaluable contribution to what we call the infinity of life...

The woman you love shouldn't make you happy

A common misconception among many people is that their partners should make them happy. When building a love relationship with a woman, a man expects in advance that she will somehow amuse him. But your loved one should not make you happy. Moreover, he will not be able to do this with all his great desire, since happiness is the internal state of a person, which he forms himself.

If you want to be happy, then you do not need to wait, search or demand any special actions from the woman you love. Sure, something might make you happy, but not for long. Happiness, a constant and sincere feeling, is formed not by external circumstances or other people, but by a man who decides for himself whether to be happy or not.

The woman you love is not a clown or an entertainment attraction. She is a person just like you, who can be both cheerful and sad, both strong and helpless. As long as you wait on your partners to make you happy, you will never achieve your goal. You can make it your own to feel your own happiness. But other people, even the closest and dearest, will not be able to do this no matter what they want.

Androgynes

The ancient Greek philosopher Plato in the dialogue “The Feast” tells a legend about once-existing creatures - androgynes, who combined both masculine and feminine principles. Like the Titans, they became proud of their perfection - unprecedented strength and exceptional beauty, and challenged the gods. The gods got angry... And as punishment they divided the androgynes into two halves - a man and a woman. Cut in two, they could not find peace for themselves; they lived in constant search for each other. A fairy tale, but it contains a hint of why a person loves a person. Love is the constant pursuit of wholeness. However, here too there is a certain paradoxical pattern - having found our soulmate, we merge in a close embrace, with every breath, with every cell feeling the harmony of unity, even a certain monolithicity - “one-single-whole-indivisible-eternal”, we again strive for chaos - to the loss of each other, so that our soul again plunges into torment, torment, suffering for what was lost and gathers on a new journey to love.

At first glance, it seems that this is a vicious circle, meaningless and merciless. But let's return to the myth about androgynes. Having become one, they fell into pride - narcissism and self-praise, which only leads to decline and degradation, and therefore to a complete stop and disappearance of the continuity and infinity of life. Heaven is fruitless and meaningless without hell, good without evil, life without death. Each time, setting out on a new journey to love, we learn a new facet, a new law of love, we give one more of the infinite number of answers why a person loves a person, thereby providing new super-powerful energy for the work of the perpetual motion machine of life.

Basic Reasons for Looking for a Relationship

First, let's look at the basic reasons why men and women get into relationships. One way or another, all psychologists talk about them, but each in their own way: some one way, some another.

The main reasons why people build relationships:

Solving material and housing issues (relevant, first of all, for women who need a protector and breadwinner).
The need for sexual partnership (relevant, first of all, for men, since a woman is chosen primarily on the basis of sexual attractiveness).
Confirmation or increase of social status (the minimum task is not to stand out and be like everyone else, the maximum task is to raise your significance in society through relationships).
Increasing self-esteem (self-sufficiency is the privilege of a few; most need confirmation of their own usefulness in the form of having a partner, husband, family and a feeling of being needed).
The instinct of reproduction, the desire to procreate (almost everyone wants to see a “piece of themselves,” even the most selfish people).
Compensation (nothing that I’m not beautiful, but I have a rich and influential husband; nothing that I earn little, but what a beautiful wife I have).
The desire to manipulate and dominate, cratic (from the Greek κράτος “power, rule”) motivation (it is much easier to gain power over someone who loves you than over any other person).

Purely hypothetically, the last point could not be highlighted, because critical motivation is also part of the compensation mechanism. For example, for a person who would like to rule, but due to personal qualities will never be able to become a boss, family relationships become the only chance to show who is in charge. However, the topic of achieving power over another person is much broader than simple compensation for one’s own complexes, so it is better to highlight the critical motivation for building relationships as a separate item.

So, we have looked at the main reasons that motivate a man and a woman to build a relationship. Now let's go back to psychologists for a moment. There are thousands and thousands of psychologists, but only a few are in demand... Well, okay, dozens, at most a couple of hundred psychologists in our post-Soviet space are indeed read, revered and in demand, and for many generations. Not so much for a multi-million Russian-speaking population.

Why is this so if everyone studied approximately the same curriculum? But because almost everyone sees only the most obvious, which they talk about in every possible way, and only a few see more and deeper than the main reasons why people build relationships. Few can understand the intricacies of reasons and relationships, and answer the question of why you need a relationship and, what is much more important, why a relationship with you might be needed. Let's try to unravel these intricacies at least a little.

One feeling for life

The world is endless in its diversity, as is love. A person can love one person’s entire life, parting, finding each other renewed again, betraying, forgiving, living under one roof, or, conversely, all their lives at a distance from each other, and thereby coming to love, to harmony through the soul of one person. In our minds there is an image of ideal love, one for life. We dream about it, we strive for it, and even the most callous cynics carefully keep this bright picture from the cover of a magazine under their pillow so that no one will ever guess or even dare to think about what is really going on in their souls. Where this idea of love came to us from, whether it is true or a utopia is unknown.

Who do we fall in love with?

The subconscious attraction of one person to another could not be explained from a scientific point of view. We can only voice the theories of researchers on this matter.

A woman tends to choose a man who resembles her father, and a man looks for a life partner who resembles his mother.
A person chooses a partner who is similar to the person for whom he had an unrequited feeling in childhood.
Attraction is due to the real smells released by the human body

However, you should not compare the effect of body odor with the aroma of French perfume. A person’s smells signal his genetic apparatus. The greater the difference between people at the genetic level they indicate, the more suitable these partners are for forming a pair and, accordingly, producing healthy offspring. This is the so-called “hybrid vigor”, which is successfully used by breeders to obtain the most viable offspring.

Lost heaven

I repeat - we all strive for the ideal, for the search for the other half, which was originally given to us by the gods, in order to once again become perfection - anrogyne. One part of us believes in the absolute without any doubt, and the other part suggests checking it out. And, probably, swinging the scales first in one direction and then in the other is what we need - the process of learning love. After all, what is important is not the final goal, not the moment of balancing, not the moment of unification, but the path itself. What will he be like, who will we unexpectedly bump into around the corner, who will we meet, who will we glance at briefly, and who will make us suddenly and at once look intently into the eyes of another, whom we will invite for tea, and whom we will not even allow on the threshold... And why in we will come as a result - this is the answer to the question of why a person loves a person, which, in fact, is a great mystery.

People who don't know how to love...

Looking at an iceberg floating in the ocean, it is impossible to guess or guess what it really is.

The tip of the iceberg is what a person demonstrates to others, and sometimes to himself - after all, it’s easier not to ask questions. But what is really hidden under the dark surface of the water? Soul, self-love, love for people, faith, talents... A lot of things. Don't measure, don't weigh, don't get to the very bottom. As Mikhail Epstein said, love is such a long thing that one life is insignificant, so get ready to spend eternity with it. Thus, any assumption we make about whether this or that person is capable of love or not is an illusion. And if we take as a basis the concept of “soul” - the divine essence of man - then the assumption of such a thought is completely impossible...

Why does a successful man need a woman?

One exercise will help you see your weak points and understand what kind of man you would like to see with you and, accordingly, why this man needs you. Make 20 qualities that you would like to see in your chosen one. Then imagine the image of this man. Try to observe his life from afar. What interests him? How does he fill his leisure time? What are his friends like? What is his relationship with women, or with his parents? What is he most successful at? Try to feel it. Immerse yourself in the role of a man, in his mask, suit. Take his place and imagine that you met a woman on the street (this lady is you). As a man, think about what thoughts come to your mind. What do you think of this lovely lady? Is she attracted to you? Maybe she is missing something to take the place next to you? Write down your thoughts and return to your feminine form.

How to understand that you love a person...

Francois La Rochefoucauld once remarked that there is only one love, but there are thousands of its counterfeits... The great French writer, of course, is fair, but at the same time he is not. Let's imagine love in the form of a school. There are elementary, middle and high grades... First graders learn to write, hold their hands correctly, draw sticks, circles.... Further - more: numbers, addition, subtraction, multiplication tables, equations, trigonometry. Each new stage in learning is impossible without the previous one. You can't jump from first class to fifth class. However, often a high school student, looking back, perceives all the previous steps, all his suffering, torment, or victories as funny, ridiculous, even stupid. How could he not solve the “2+2” example, forgetting that today has come only thanks to past mistakes and achievements.

All this applies to love. Each person, each soul is at its own stage of development, at its own level of knowledge, in a certain class. And this is not always determined by age. For one, intense passion is love. For others, it’s falling in love. The third is ready to pick the flower of love on the edge of a bottomless abyss. And the fourth is looking for clarity and tranquility in love... And each of them is right and at the same time wrong. What a person feels at the moment is his truth, another step towards the truth. Therefore, you just need to listen to your heart and follow only it. It is the best teacher and helper. And the question of how to understand that you love a person disappears by itself. By asking it, we do not seek to understand ourselves, but are afraid of rash actions and their consequences. We seem to be asking, can I fall in love... But in fact, no one can forbid loving or not loving, and nothing will protect you from possible mistakes. If feelings appear, albeit immature, even naive and shallow, it means that they are needed for something and do not need explanation or confirmation, especially from the outside. The words of M. McLaughlin that those who fall in love for the first time seem to know everything there is to know about life - and, perhaps, he is right - are the best confirmation of this.

The best match: why we fall in love with a specific person

Few would argue that one of the most truly magical phenomena in our lives is love . A completely sincere, pure feeling that has nothing to do with sexual attraction. This is an amazing state when, at the sight of a loved one, you want to fly up, when butterflies are hovering in your stomach, when insomnia does not leave you, because you are constantly thinking about the person who is most dear to us, as it seems to us at that moment. For his sake, we are capable of doing absolutely anything, even killing. Zemfira’s famous song says “If you want, I’ll kill the neighbors... if you want, I’ll blow up all the stars.” The most amazing thing is that this is really so. In a state of love euphoria, a person is capable of unpredictable actions.

People have always been interested in the questions: “Why do we love?”, “What is love?”, “Why do we like this particular person?” We can discuss these topics endlessly, but I would like to draw your attention to the last question. Russian philosopher Nikolai Aleksandrovich Berdyaev wrote: “Love is personal, individual, directed at a single, inimitable, irreplaceable person.” So why do we fall in love with a specific person? How is it different from others? We will talk about this in the article.

Recently it has become fashionable to say that love is a biochemical reaction. Unfortunately, people talk about this without giving this phrase much meaning. In fact, the basis for the emergence of love is a whole cascade of biochemical reactions that provoke neurophysiological processes in nerve cells - neurons. But why do we love? The main reason for the need for love is very obvious - love ensures reproduction. But why do we fall in love with a specific person? Here's the thing. All neurons in the brain are functionally connected to form neural networks. The transmission of nerve impulses between neurons is carried out using special substances - neurotransmitters. Any human activity leads to the activation of a certain set of neurons. By repeating this activity, the connections between neurons are strengthened.

Love ensures reproduction

To make it easier to understand, I will explain with an example. A little six-year-old boy was playing in the yard with his friend, who had an older sister. The sister often looked after her younger brother and spent a lot of time with the children. She read them fairy tales and treated them to sweets. Every time a friend’s sister came, the boy’s spirits lifted and he was happy. Of course, because the baby associated the appearance of a girl with pleasant communication and treats. When he saw her, the boy produced happiness hormones: dopamine, endorphin, serotonin. These hormones reinforced the baby’s neural connections that were activated when he saw his friend’s sister, that is, connections that allowed him to remember this girl. And so, many years passed, and our hero turned into an attractive young man. Of course, he had already forgotten the sister of his friend in the sandbox, and he probably forgot his friend too. And then he meets a girl who has external similarities with the sister of a friend from childhood, maybe even with the same scent of perfume. At the sight of this girl, our young man activates those neural connections that were activated at the sight of a girl from childhood and, as before, were reinforced by the intense production of joy hormones. Endorphin and dopamine provoked inhibition in the nervous system - a state of euphoria arose. The same euphoria in which a person takes his breath away and loses the ability to speak clearly at the sight of the object of his desire. Our hero fell in love. This example clearly demonstrates the mechanism of the emergence of attachment and love for a specific person.

The reasons for falling in love with a specific person can be not only external similarities or the smell of a person from childhood with whom the most positive emotions are associated. These may be similar habits, behavioral characteristics, or voice. It is for this reason that girls very often date young men who are somewhat similar to their fathers, just as young men fall in love with girls who have something in common with their mothers. Positive memories from childhood are mainly associated with parents.

Do not forget that although a person has abstract thinking, the ability to form images, which determines “mental communication” between people, he is a mammal whose main task is to preserve his genes, that is, reproduction.

Another important factor that can attract attention is appearance. When communicating on a date, young people involuntarily seem to evaluate each other. Moreover, I am now talking about the natural external qualities of a person. Guys pay special attention to clean skin, breast size and pelvic width. These factors determine whether a girl is able to bear and give birth to a child. The girls, in turn, evaluate the young man’s physical capabilities, which will help protect the family. This proves the need to keep yourself in good shape. Do not forget that although a person has abstract thinking, the ability to form images, which determines “mental communication” between people, he is a mammal whose main task is to preserve his genes, that is, reproduction.

There are many theories about the emergence of falling in love and its development into love, however, in my opinion, I have presented the main factors that contribute to the attraction of people to each other.

When you realize that our feelings and desires are just a series of biochemical reactions in the body, it becomes sad. The question arises: “Where is the romance?” There is no need to be sad, because these processes are only the basis on which complex mental and emotional processes are based, such as love, which is characterized by its versatility and uniqueness. And it is unlikely that anyone will be able to understand the essence of these processes, because they are a component of higher nervous activity, which, in turn, has been a mystery to us for many years.

Author: Danil Pirogov
Tags why we love what love is

Great secret

American writer Neale Donald Walsh has a wonderful story-parable about a Little Soul who once came to God and asked him to help her become who she really is. God was surprised by such a request, because she already knows her essence, realizes herself as who she really is. However, knowing and feeling, feeling are completely different things. Well, said and done, and God brought to her another of His creations - a Friendly Soul. She agreed to help her. In their next earthly incarnation, the Friendly Soul will pretend to be bad, lower its vibrations, become heavy and commit some terrible act, and then the Little Soul will be able to manifest its essence, become what it was originally born to be - forgiving, endless love and all-encompassing light. The little soul was surprised and very worried about the fate of the assistant. But the Friendly Soul assured her that nothing bad would happen. Everything that happens in life happens only because and in the name of Love.

All souls through centuries and across distances dance this dance. Each of them was both up and down, right and left, good and cynical evil, victim and torturer, and there is only one answer to everything that exists - people meet each other to show themselves and learn love. So it is impossible to fully understand why people love each other, why we love some and neglect others, why we are ready to put up with the most disgusting qualities of one person, but are unable to forgive the little of another, why love often becomes synonymous with causeless attacks of despair, mental torment and disappointment. More precisely, we can guess about some unwritten laws of the universe, try to delve into it, see what is hidden behind the front side, what the back side is... However, making efforts, trying and trying is all we are capable of. All our attempts are ultimately doomed to failure. Why? Yes, because we are not given the opportunity to touch the bottom with our hands, and we do not need to. This is not our task. God is the creator of everything. We are only invited to live, feel, experience, perceive and be filled...

Lover for love or for fun?

There is a big difference between choosing partners for love and for fun. In the first case, you are ready to accept, give, cooperate, empathize, etc. And in fun, you are focused on your own desires and interests, so you need your loved one as a friend with whom it is “fun” to spend time. But in this case we are not talking about love, since neither you nor your woman reveal their souls to each other.

The desire to control your partner so that he devotes all his time only to you (because you are not busy, bored, free), suggests that you want to be with a person not for love, but for fun. You are bored being alone with yourself, so you are looking for someone who will amuse you.

At what moments do you most want to see your woman - all the time or only when you are bored and have nothing else to do? Do you get angry and irritated when you have nothing to do, and your partner is minding his own business and is not in a hurry to meet you? If you are angry with your partner while you are bored and busy, this indicates that you are not guided by love, but by the desire to control another person who should amuse you at your very first whim.

Learn not to wait for someone to be funny, but entertain yourself. This way, you will get rid of many quarrels related to who pays attention to whom and how much. Of course, we are talking about those cases when your partner is busy with business or work, and therefore cannot pay attention to you. But if your loved one is walking and having fun without you, then you should look at the situation soberly and understand that he is not interested in being with you. Why does your partner vacation without you (alone or with other people)? Probably because he is not interested in you enough to waste his time on you. And in this case, the quarrel “Why aren’t you paying attention to me?” is appropriate, but only in terms of finding out why your partner needs you, who is happily spending time without you.