There are a huge number of stories of women literally abusing their children. And each time there are many versions: from traditional postpartum depression, which is convenient to blame for any crime, to the pathological cruelty of the woman herself. Tatyana Butskaya, pediatrician, head of the all-Russian public movement “Council of Mothers”, author of a number of books dedicated to motherhood and childhood, told AiF.ru about what happens to women who literally destroy their children .
What to do if my mother constantly yells at me over trifles - advice from a psychologist
A short preface. In my distant youth, while receiving my first education, I did an internship in a kindergarten. The nuances were erased from memory, but one moment was clearly imprinted. The mother brings her son and kindly advises: “Don’t babysit him, this one (here a savory swearing epithet addressed to a five-year-old) doesn’t understand well. If anything happens, yell or smack harder!” And she reinforced what she said with a poke. I, a seventeen-year-old girl, fell into a stupor; I thought the baby would shrink and get scared. No, I took it as the norm. Because for him this was the norm - the closest person brings up swear words. By the way, the boy understood perfectly well without strong words, slaps or threats. Later, while studying developmental psychology, I analyzed that case. The boy mentioned and kids like him are psychologically flexible. And the fact that mothers constantly scream does not turn them into downtrodden creatures. Of course, this style of upbringing affects the worldview, socialization, and the ability to quickly adapt, but a naturally strong psyche serves as a powerful airbag.
So how should it be?
This is what I said about what not to do. Okay, so what should we do? In fact, this is not even one question, but two. First of all, what should you do right now, at this moment, when mom (or dad) is already screaming? And secondly, what to do later (speaking in adult terms, “in the long term”) so that there is much less screaming in your family (or better yet, that there is none at all).
Let's start with the first question - what to do when the conversation has already begun in a raised voice. We must listen to everything in silence. Do not interrupt under any circumstances. Wait for a pause (and a pause will certainly arise, because a screaming person needs to take a breath). And when mom temporarily fell silent, say in a very calm tone: “Mom, don’t yell at me. I already understood everything.” Or: “You misunderstood me, let me explain it to you again.” Or: “Let me explain to you why I am asking permission for this and that.”
Keep in mind: this does not necessarily work right away. It is quite possible that another scream will be heard - and a long one. In this case, you need to wait again. Silently. Under no circumstances should you respond to aggression with hysterical screaming. Wait for a new pause between insults, shouts, accusations - and calmly continue to stick to your line.
But keep in mind: it is very difficult to listen to a cry in silence. This requires enormous willpower from you. It's good if you have it really huge. And if not? What if, no matter how hard you try to listen to the screams in silence, at some point you can’t stand it and scream too? Then we must mentally note: I also lost my temper. And at the next pause, say: “Mom, I’m sorry, I was yelling at you just now, I was wrong, it was impossible!” By the way, it is very possible that your apology will influence your mother - she will look at herself from the outside and realize that she also screamed, but, unlike you, she did not ask for forgiveness for it.
When non-intervention is criminal
We found out what grown-up children should do, but what should the little ones do? Who should preschoolers go to, who should they count on? On other adults - father, relatives, neighbors, passers-by, fellow travelers. Indifference in such cases can be criminal, and if behind the wall there is swearing, regular children's sobs, sounds indicating violence, it is necessary to intervene!
I once read discussions in which people shared non-standard ways to solve various social problems. One forum member wrote: “New neighbors moved in, and on the very first evening a masterly obscenity sounded from their apartment. And female. At first I thought it was coming off on my husband, but no, on my little daughter. I listened for a day, two, and on the third I wrote a letter in which I colorfully told what I thought, where I would turn, what consequences awaited the loud-voiced, unrestrained madam. That’s it, the screaming has stopped!” I believe, since tyrants are often cowardly, it is enough for them to understand that you are aware and are not going to remain silent. Other approaches are possible, but ignoring any manifestation of aggression towards children is unacceptable!
Stages of emotional exhaustion.
Emotional exhaustion accumulates day after day, passes through stage after stage, and only then makes itself felt through devastation. Here are the 4 stages that emotional burnout goes through:
- Stage 1 - “I’m ready to move mountains, no one is helping, so be it: I can do everything on my own”;
- Stage 2 - “I’m terribly tired, but it’s okay, just to survive until the night, put the children to bed and lose myself in sleep”;
- Stage 3 - “I feel hellishly tired, screaming all the time”;
- Stage 4 - “I’m tired, everything annoys me, I don’t want anything.”
The most dangerous are stages 2 and 3. It is very important not to bring yourself to them. If thoughts of suicide appear, you need to drive them away. If this doesn’t work, you need to contact a psychologist or a helpline. In most cases, the problem can be solved without medication. Antidepressants are prescribed quite rarely.
Dangerous spankings. Psychologist, priest and lawyer about physical punishment of children Read more
How to communicate with adult sons
You need to talk to older children. About everything. About joys. And about troubles and problems too. Do not swear, do not make a scandal, do not cry (this is the lot of emotionally damaged people, the lot of neurasthenics, the lot of people with low culture), but rather talk, talk about your problems. Not about everyone at once - this can alienate (even a loved one), but by identifying one or two problems.
Your adult son (or daughter) deserves to be greeted by you not with an offended expression on his face, when the corners of his mouth are sadly and reproachfully lowered (they say, look son, how bad, disgusting, inattentive you are and...), you need to tell the story without breaking into pathos and repeating two or three words later in memories, how hard it was for you to raise him and how you spent sleepless nights when he was sick with whooping cough, and how you cried with him when in the 5th grade the girl Katya responded to a declaration of love , snorted contemptuously and... turned away, muttering through her teeth that “Petya’s outfit is cooler and his dad doesn’t walk around...”.
An adult son should be greeted with a smile (preferably not forced), seated almost immediately at the table, where two minutes later there should be a cup of hot and tasty tea and something else tasty (just tasty, not tasty) - a couple of pies, or buns, or... The son should feel that he is in his own home, where at any time of the day he is the most, most, most welcome (no, not a guest) person, closer and dearer than whom there is no one in the world.
Chilling news
From time to time, the Internet explodes with news that makes your blood run cold. In February of this year, a mother put a bag over her six-year-old son's head, secured it with tape and took the child to the forest. The boy walked out onto the roadway and motorists saw him. When the mother was detained, she stated that she wanted to punish the child in this way for torturing the dog. I put the bag on, and my son was “possessed,” so he ran away.
Before society had time to recover from the shock, it became known that a three-year-old girl had died of hunger in Kirov. The young mother left her for a week in a locked apartment without water or food, while she went clubbing with friends. As forensic experts later found out, in an attempt to escape from a painful death, the baby ate washing powder.
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A few years earlier, in the same ill-fated February, in St. Petersburg, a young mother took her three-month-old baby in her arms and attempted suicide. The woman died on the spot, the child was hospitalized with serious injuries. Friends of the deceased were shocked: the family seemed prosperous, and the young mother seemed cheerful. Several more similar cases: in Samara, a woman committed suicide with her five-year-old daughter in her arms, and in Irkutsk, a young mother killed her two children and then committed suicide.
The main question that arises when reading these stories is: what must happen to a mother for her to leave her own child in danger or kill him? Is it really all about postpartum depression and emotional burnout, which are being talked about more and more often lately?
No matter how similar these stories may seem, the reasons for these women's criminal actions are different. In the first case, in my opinion, this is cruelty. In the second there is a terrifying mix of frivolity and cruelty, bordering on psychiatric pathology. Even if it was an emotional breakdown, the woman had time to return for the child. In 10 minutes, in an hour, the next day. But she didn't. And in the third case, most likely, it was a momentary decision. I think she had postpartum depression. In the last two cases, severe emotional burnout developed against the background of postpartum depression. It killed mothers and children.
From apathy to death. Psychologist about postpartum depression Read more
How mothers can avoid hurt feelings
Anyone who wants to enjoy life, try to understand (the sooner the better) that the life of an adult son belongs only, exclusively to himself, not wanting to fit into the Procrustean bed of your plans. He, your son, lives his life. It’s not for nothing that in Rus' they said and say: “Plans at home are no good on the road.”
Rejection and misunderstanding of this fact leads to chronic resentment. And do not try to hide your problems from your son (sons) - this does not lead to good things. As well as the collapse of a mass of accumulated problems (all at once) - as a result of a showdown, interspersed with tears (and what flows from the nasal passages) and cries. Such communication is unproductive.
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How to distinguish pathological cruelty from depression?
How does postpartum depression begin? This is one of the main questions. It all starts with baby blues syndrome. After childbirth, according to statistics, it develops in 4-8 women out of 10.
Baby blues is a mini-depression that “covers” a woman in the first weeks after childbirth. Its cause is hormones.
A woman lives her entire life as if on a roller coaster. Hormones jump up and down. So after giving birth - within 3 days - another drop occurs. The level of estrogen and progesterone drops sharply. And this immediately affects the functioning of the thyroid gland. She slows down her work, and the woman feels a loss of strength, weakness and depressed mood.
The young mother feels tired, for some reason she feels sad and sometimes even wants to cry. This state lasts from several minutes to several hours a day.
After 2 weeks, as a rule, the baby blues pass and the young mother feels cheerful and happy again. If the baby blues have not subsided a couple of weeks after giving birth, the woman risks developing postpartum depression in all its glory. It is worth remembering that postpartum depression can develop within two (!) years after giving birth. To prevent this from happening, in the first month after giving birth, loved ones should support the young mother and help her as much as possible. And without poisonous comments: “mother viper”, “you’re doing everything wrong”, “also my mother”.
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Give birth at 11. Five stories about early motherhood
Mom insults me
Name
: Andy
Hello! Help me with advice, tell me what to do next, I’m already completely confused myself. I'll go to 11th grade. I study normally, good student. I read books, in my spare time I study psychology, philosophy, and sometimes I draw. Like many people my age, I surf the Internet. Well, this is so you have an idea about me.
Now about the problem: I have a complete family, mom, dad, we love each other very much and support each other. I'm an only child, so naturally I get all the attention. My parents always take care of me, at a younger age they paid me a lot of attention, on weekends they took me to museums, exhibitions, cinemas, and just all walked together. Everything was fine with us, of course we fought, but this is probably the case in all families. Yes, they dressed me well too. We are not rich, but I didn’t feel disadvantaged in any way. And now, about what worries me: since childhood, when my mother and I fought, she often insulted me with various nasty words, called me a fool, and at the age of nine she called me a bitch. Like this. We used to make peace and I forgot everything, well, that’s normal. In the years 13-15 there was a period when everyone turns from children into teenagers, and I am no exception. All problems seem global, etc. My mother is hot-tempered, and here I am still growing up. They fought, they made up, but to tell the truth, looking back now, sometimes the quarrel happened because of my mother. Maybe she was having a bad day, so I was always the first to go and apologize. I just wanted to make peace and forget everything. I understood that I had a lot of problems, because my parents worked to feed and clothe me. Now I’m already 17, almost an adult, but we still fight with my parents, even over nonsense. Mom has become even hotter, on the contrary, I am trying to smooth out the conflict. My dad and I hardly ever quarreled before, he often defended me, but now he, too, gets irritated and can say things rudely and respond. But this is nonsense too. Mom began to insult me even more. She can start swearing out of nowhere, I’m always at fault, I didn’t calm her down, that’s why I get it. She can call me a stupid creature, an ungrateful brute, a dumbass, a nit, I apologize for the details. But what hurts me most is that my mother screams that I won’t be able to go anywhere, that they won’t take me anywhere, that they’ll take anyone but me, saying that no one needs such idiots. I am very upset, because throughout the 10th grade I tried to improve my studies, my grades at 9 were bad, I moved of my own free will to another school to start all over again, so that the new school would treat me well, as a smart girl. I don’t go out at night, I’ve never gotten involved with bad companies, I have one friend, just like me, we’ve been friends for 2 years, she supported me when supposedly “friends” turned their backs, she’s an excellent student, very kind... I have more friends so far and it’s not necessary, but my mother shouts, again, during scandals, that I have no friends. I am generally a sociable person, I find a common language with everyone. When my parents work, I constantly clean the apartment and prepare food. I can say that I try to help my parents as much as I can. Here's the story. I talked about the insult with my mother, asked not to do this again, my mother says as usual, you calm me down... Of course I’m trying, but after a dose of the words “stupid creature” and “ungrateful brute” I’m hysterical, I can only lock myself in my room and sob. He says, how will I continue to live if someone I don’t know says this to me? It won’t matter to me even if they tell me, BUT MY BIRD MOTHER TELLS ME THIS! The only way I see after school is to go to the capital, go to university and live in a hostel.
What do you think I should do? Maybe you had a similar situation, how did you cope? I love my parents very much, they are wonderful people, but after such words I want to run away and cry so that no one can see. It's upsetting to me
