Anna Harutyunyan, psychologist-consultant, specialist in child-parent relations, advises :
— Fears themselves are natural for a small child. And it’s not always worth protecting him from them so much. There are fears that are characteristic only of a certain age - the child outgrows them and ceases to be afraid. For example, kids are afraid of unexpected sharp sounds, being left alone without their mother, etc. School-age children are often afraid of bad grades or ridicule from peers (because of their appearance, for example). Such childhood fears are even useful: by overcoming them, the child grows up. But everything is good in moderation. Fears - their number and strength of influence - must be feasible for the child’s psyche. If your child can’t cope on his own, then you need to help him overcome anxiety. Otherwise, fears will develop into neuroses, insomnia, and then into more serious diseases - then even a specialist will find it difficult to find out where the health problem came from and what became its true cause.
Related article: Don't be afraid! Where do children's fears come from?
Monitor your reaction to your child's fears
The authors of the book are convinced that there is no single reason for a child’s anxiety. So, a third of it is due to genetics - children with anxious parents are more prone to anxiety. Life difficulties and shocks also have a strong influence: moving, loss of loved ones, parental divorce and other stresses. This is something that is difficult, if not impossible, for parents to influence.
But there is something that depends directly on loved ones - the reaction to the child’s fears. Let's say a child is afraid of dogs. What will you do when one of them is next to him? Relax or think hard about how to drive her away. What if your daughter is afraid to speak in public, and today she has to read poetry on stage? It's rare that a parent will enjoy the show. Rather, he will sit on the edge of his seat, waiting for failure.
Anxious children feel all this more than others and understand that they are not afraid in vain, because even their parents are worried.
Classification
By type, children's fears are classified in a variety of areas, ranging from the causes of their occurrence to the severity of symptoms. In general, all conditions are divided into three groups:
- obsessive fears that are caused by actually experienced life situations (fear of animals, heights, confined spaces, water);
- delusional fears, when the logical relationship between the object of fear and the cause of fear is illogical, even absurd;
- overvalued fears, when the starting point is any event that activates the child’s fantasy; this condition does not go away, the fear gradually grows, covering all the thoughts and feelings of the baby.
In children, the most common are supervaluable types of fear, which the child cultivates in himself, inventing new details, endowing the object of fear with amazing abilities and qualities.
Choose one fear to fight
Often anxious children are afraid of many things: the teacher will swear, classmates will laugh, answers to test questions will fly out of their heads. Where to start? Try to focus on the outcome, not just the child's feelings, and identify one fear.
Yes, I want the child not to experience all those unpleasant sensations that haunt him when going to school or, for example, when he finds himself in the dark. But try to abstract yourself from them and understand what the child is deprived of. What could he have gotten if not for his fear?
When a child has difficulty communicating with peers, he constantly feels out of place and is afraid of ridicule. Start by inviting your classmates to visit. This is an understandable goal that can be achieved soon enough, and it will help in the fight against other fears.
Groups of children's fears
1. “I’m afraid that Babayka will take me away”
Fears provoked or instilled by parents.
For example, when a mother does not approach a screaming baby for a long time. Or he constantly takes care of the baby: “Don’t go there, otherwise you will fall,” “Don’t take the knife, otherwise you will cut yourself,” etc. Or warns: “This girl is bad, but that boy is a bully.” Many mothers and grandmothers like to scare an obstinate child with horror stories about Baba Yaga or about someone else’s uncle, a wolf, who will pick him up and drag him away if he doesn’t listen. In such a situation, you should not be surprised that the child wakes up and screams at night. Observe yourself, how often do you use the phrase “I’m afraid that...” in conversations with other people. Children very sensitively perceive the state of their parents, their self-doubt, excitement, worry about something and begin to be afraid themselves. In addition, a child at a younger age cannot always explain to himself why his mother, always so kind and affectionate, suddenly yelled or spanked him. He cannot show aggression towards his mother, whom he loves. So negative characters like monsters appear, and negative emotions find a way out through them.
How to raise a child to be confident and independent. Tips for parents Read more
2. “I’m afraid of the monster under the bed!”
Fear of something specific - darkness, loneliness, death, dogs, bad grades at school, cartoon monsters.
They are the easiest to deal with. The child needs to calmly and patiently explain the groundlessness of such fears. Show how this or that “scary” mechanism works, how it works (for example, if a child is afraid of a vacuum cleaner or a noisy elevator).
Question answer
Why is a child afraid to be alone?
3. “I’m afraid, but I don’t know what”
Unconscious anxiety that seems to be unrelated to anything.
Talk to your child, remember together when he began to be afraid, what events preceded his fears. Perhaps it was a scary cartoon or an “adult” movie, your quarrel with your husband (the more mom and dad argue in front of the children, the more fears they have), an incident on the street (for example, someone else’s dog attacked him) or someone else’s offended in kindergarten, school.
4. “I’m afraid because it’s necessary.”
By talking about his fear, the child is simply manipulating his parents.
For example, because he wants to attract attention to himself and be with his mother more often. Or sleep in your parent's bed, although he is already big. If this is the case, then you need to let him know that he has been figured out, and explain that there is time for him, and there is time for other things. If he is used to falling asleep with his mother, try to change this ritual. Replace lying with your child until he falls asleep with reading a book before bed, for example. Then you can sit with your child for another 5-10 minutes, discuss with him the past day, plans for tomorrow, talk, and then still leave him to sleep alone. Explain that now is the time for parents to communicate with each other, and his time with them is over. And show firmness in response to his manipulations. It is impossible to always satisfy all the needs of a child; sooner or later he needs to learn to be independent.
Already big! How to teach a child independence Read more
Make sure the goal is SMART
SMART is the five criteria that a goal must meet. S (specific) - concreteness, M (measurable) - measurability, A (attainable) - achievability, R (relevant) - relevance, T (time-bound) - time limitation. Before defining a goal in the fight against fear, think about whether it is specific enough and whether the child understands what exactly needs to be done. Going up to your friends and inviting them to visit is understandable, but becoming sociable and active is not.
This also includes the measurability of the goal. You must have a clear understanding of when the goal has been achieved. And is your goal even achievable?
If your child is afraid of speaking in public, you should not immediately audition for the main role in a school play. Start small - for example, to the teacher in front of your classmates.
It is important that achieving the goal is limited in time. However, you should not start with one whose completion will take more than 1-2 months. It is better to break it down into several short-term ones.
Example. The child is afraid of the dark. Goal: to make the child not afraid of the dark. SMART goal: sleep alone all night without running to your parents. But this cannot be achieved in one day, so it makes sense to break the task into several stages.
Short-term goal: The child remains in bed after the parents say goodnight, but they still check on him periodically. Medium-term goal: get used to falling asleep on your own. Long-term goal: fall asleep on your own and sleep alone throughout the night.
Allow your child to become more independent
Parents of anxious children are more prone to overprotection, because they know how hard they experience failures. Sometimes it is easier for parents to completely protect their child from stressful situations, but this is a vicious circle that needs to be broken.
The feeling of one’s own helplessness will not go away until the child himself conquers his fear. In building independence, the easiest place to start is not with those tasks that cause anxiety, but with everyday errands: tidying the room, feeding the pets, preparing a simple meal, or throwing out the trash.
The main thing is to show your child that you believe in him and encourage success. If the task is too difficult, try something simpler and remain calm.
Diagnostics
The main way to determine the presence, cause and level of fear is a conversation between the child and a specialist. Using psychotherapeutic techniques and questionnaires, the doctor can identify the original source of the experience and assess the child’s current emotional state. The so-called projective techniques, when a psychologist asks children to draw or express their fear in other creative ways, have considerable diagnostic value in this regard.
In the case of real mental disorders, a standard set of examinations is carried out, including laboratory tests, EEG, MRI of the brain, consultations with a neurologist, pediatrician and other specialized specialists.
Praise and reward every success
Don’t be afraid to “bribe” children for achievements in the fight against fears. Parents often think that if they promise a reward, their children will immediately ask for expensive toys, but this is not the case. Almost all children ask for something like “baking cupcakes with your parents” or “taking the whole family to the park.” Rewards should be inexpensive but meaningful. And you need to encourage every step in the fight against fear.
An example of a step-by-step plan with rewards from the book “Calm”
Target: to the teacher in front of the whole class. The main reward: having dinner with mom at a restaurant.
Step 1. To the teacher, when all classmates have left. Reward: praise from mom.
Step 2. Answer the teacher’s question in front of several classmates (the answer has been prepared in advance). Reward: Buy a magazine on the way home.
Step 3. Answer the teacher’s question in front of several classmates (the answer is not prepared in advance). Reward: Choose your favorite dish for dinner.
Step 4. to the teacher in the presence of several classmates. Reward: Bake brownies with mom.
Step 5. Answer the teacher’s question in front of the whole class (the answer is prepared in advance). Reward: On the way home, stop at a cafe.
Step 6. Answer the teacher’s question in front of the whole class (the answer is not prepared in advance). Reward: Stop at a craft store on the way home.
What should parents not do if their child is afraid of something?
- Do not punish for demonstrated “cowardice.” It will be even worse if the baby, in order not to lose your love, begins to hide the fact that he is very afraid of something. Fears will go inside and develop into neurosis. It will be very difficult to get rid of them later.
- Do not sort things out with your husband (or your parents or other adults) in front of your child. A nervous, restless environment in the home contributes to the cultivation of children's fears. The less love there is in a family, the more fears there are.
- Do not force your child to overcome fear at any cost. For example, if he is afraid of dogs, force him to pet the animal. Let him first observe them from afar, at a safe distance.
- Don't allow yourself to watch scary movies before bed. It’s better to read a book or watch some good cartoon.
- Never shame or ridicule a child.
- Don’t call him a coward, don’t say “that you’re spoiled and acting like a girl”, “boys shouldn’t be afraid”, etc.
Prohibited phrases. What not to say to a child Read more
Set an alarm limit
If you feel like your child is spending the entire day worrying, try setting a limit on it. For example, half an hour in the evening, when the child is not too tired and you can devote time only to him.
During this time, listen to all your concerns and concerns, or better yet, write them down. This way you will show that no problems were left unattended, and all fears were recorded.
This practice will help the child “postpone” anxiety until later. And then he will see that if he doesn’t worry, nothing bad happens. Moreover, keeping fear in your head all day and then voicing it later in the evening is even tiring.
General status information
Fear is a natural human instinct that arises as a response to a threat, a possible danger. In childhood, due to developed imagination and emotional instability, such fears in most cases are far-fetched and have no basis in reality. However, this condition is very common, is a threat to the child’s psyche and requires mandatory intervention from specialists. Childhood fear left to chance can subsequently become the cause of a real phobia, which will persist throughout the rest of life.
Learn to be comfortable with uncertainty
Often we cannot guarantee that the situation that a child is afraid of will not happen, especially when it comes to the health of loved ones, disasters, or wars. You can make predictions and try to think rationally, but you still need to recognize that sometimes we don't know what will happen.
The child needs to learn to live with the fact that there are a number of events that we cannot control. The key to accepting uncertainty is not to avoid it, but to recognize and accept it. Therefore, the authors recommend introducing spontaneity into a child's structured daily routine to teach children how to cope with uncertainty.
Try changing your weekend plans on the fly, or ask a relative to pick up your child from school for you. It can also be helpful to have a “spontaneous” meeting with another child to play together.
Face your fears
The child receives his idea of the world from his parents, so it is not surprising that children with anxious parents often grow up restless and sensitive.
There is no point in trying to hide your fears; on the contrary, tell us about some of them to show: it is normal to be afraid, the main thing is how we deal with it.
It is important that parents with anxious thoughts often expect their children to react to events in a certain way. But this can be avoided. For example, if a mother is afraid of cats, then she does not necessarily need to convey this fear to her children or, on the contrary, overpower herself and pet the animal. You can allow your child to interact with a cat by saying that you don't like them, but many people do. This way, children will be able to form their own attitude towards pets without adopting their mother’s fear.
Try to fight your fears with your child, this way you will show him the right example and become calmer yourself.
You will find a complete strategy and recommendations for children of different ages in the book “Calm. How to help your child cope with fears and anxiety.”
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“Mom, I’m afraid”: how to rid a child of childhood fears during self-isolation
Everyone is afraid: some more, some less... But the problem is that fears can become obsessive, neurotic and even panicky. Forced self-isolation is a stressful situation for any person. For children who want to explore the world, communicate with peers, gain life experience, staying at home is doubly difficult. Specialists from the capital's Center for Children's Education "Yunona" will tell you how parents can recognize whether their child is suffering from various fears, and how to cope with them at home.
WHO ARE “BABAIKS”
First, just a little theory. Many people have probably heard that fears are necessary and important for the survival of every living creature. Man is no exception. But how can one understand where instinct ends and anxiety, panic or neurosis that is beyond a child’s control begins? And most importantly: how not to aggravate the situation and not lead the natural fear to a diagnosis?
“There are fears that are normal until a certain age. With the harmonious development of the child, they themselves disappear. Thus, from birth to six months, children are afraid of sudden and loud sounds, sudden movements from an adult, loss of support and support, for example, falling. At the age of 6-7 months to one year, fear of strangers, fear of changing clothes and changes in surroundings, and heights appear. A child between one and two years of age may be afraid of separation from parents, strangers, or medical workers. By the way, the fear of separation and the fear of being left alone are more typical for the only child in the family. When the first “don’ts” appear in a child’s life, his fear of punishment from his parents increases.
”, notes psychologist
Diana Avetisyan
.
Preschoolers have three of the most common fears: loneliness, confined spaces, and darkness. But children from 6 to 7 years old most often fear the loss of parents, death and physical violence. Even during this period, fears of animals, “scary” characters from fairy tales and movie heroes progress. Also among the most common fears in children and adolescents is the fear of school.
«Children are often afraid of things that in reality cannot harm them. But at the same time they can ignore the real danger
“says
Tamara Baranova
, director of the Juno Center.
The emergence of fears between the ages of 11 and 16 can be associated with various circumstances that cause children to feel anxious, insecure and have a panic attack. Most often, teenagers are worried about the fear of death. They worry that something might happen to their parents. It is not easy to identify the presence of such a fear: children tend to hide their own fear rather than talk about it.
When there is a seriously ill relative in the family or someone has recently died, a teenager may develop a fear of illness. Fear of the dark is also common among teenagers: its causes are most often “hidden” in watching horror films or destructive computer games. A special place is given to night terrors, which can also manifest themselves in adolescence in the form of recurring nightmares or agitation.
WHEN FEAR IS NOT HARMFUL
«As a rule, a child who is afraid has not one, but a whole complex of fears. Sometimes they are quite difficult to detect. Here it is necessary to focus on the child's behavior. It happens that fears are associated with a certain situation; they do not interfere with the quality of communication with others. For example, a child is afraid of heights and therefore refuses to ride the carousel. Then you need to behave calmly with him, not to aggravate the fear. They will disappear as they grow older."
the psychologist advises.
If a child has become fearful, flinches at any rustle, avoids communicating with parents or peers, or his sleep is disturbed, obsessive thoughts and movements appear, then you need to act immediately. Most likely, the child suffers from some kind of fear. When fear lasts more than four weeks or it intensifies and is accompanied by a complex of different symptoms, this is a reason to seek help from a specialist - a psychologist, psychiatrist or neurologist.
What a parent can do to prevent the sad consequences of spreading fear - let's move on to practice.
WE SEPARATE REAL DANGER FROM FICTIONAL DANGER
- Be less afraid yourself and stop scaring your children. Work through your own exaggerated fears and excessive anxiety (it’s better for an adult to do this with a specialist).
- A mother who is afraid of heights is unlikely to calmly talk about the rules of safe behavior before a cliff. Trust this conversation to your dad or a friend. But you can calmly tell about Aibolit and the doctors yourself, for example, play with your child in the hospital.
- Do not reinforce children’s fears with such phrases and threats: “I’ll leave you in a dark room...”, “Wait, there’s a cliff or very high...”, “Don’t touch, otherwise you’ll break it...”, “Don’t go without mom, don’t leave mom. ...,” “I’ll lock it in the room, you’ll know...”, “I’ll give it to someone else’s uncle or aunt...”, “Baba Yaga will take it...”, “Let’s go to the doctor, let him give an injection...” and so on.
- It is better to talk about all potentially dangerous situations in advance. They can be played out with dolls, through fairy tales, personal example stories, or through favorite children's heroes. Some cartoons are also suitable (just keep an eye on the time and discuss the plot with the child). The method of discussion depends on the age of the child. The main thing is that the parent has a desire to free his child from fears, and the child has a desire to play or listen.
- Do not leave home without warning your child, even if he cries when you leave. Explain to him where you are going and when you will return.
- If a child is afraid of something uncertain or is unable to explain his anxiety, you can offer him the game “Fears in Houses.” For him it’s a game, but for you it’s a diagnosis. On separate pieces of paper, write down all the child’s possible fears, draw on a large separate sheet of paper a house with three floors and windows according to the number of fears, then invite the child to distribute the fears by floor: on the 3rd floor the most terrible fears, on the second - not very scary ones, on the first - not scary at all. You can draw your worst fears, discuss them, play them out with your favorite characters, or write a fairy tale about them with a happy ending.
«The main thing for a parent is to accept the child’s fear and share it, and not to say that it is nonsense. If the child’s development allows, then you can ask him to remember the first time he experienced this fear. Discuss the nuances of that situation, talk about your attitude towards it, share your experience. And you need to start the conversation with the phrase: “I understand you...”,”
— advises Tamara Baranova.
WHO'S HIDING IN THE DARKNESS
Fear of the dark is one of the most common among children and adolescents. Experts advise using some methods of its prevention and correction at home.
Ask your child questions:
- Let's listen to the sounds while we go to your room. What do you hear?
- Why is it dark, do you think? Why is night needed?
- Who's already sleeping here now? Ants, spiders?
- Who doesn't sleep at night, what animals?
- What can you see only when it is dark (stars, moon, fireflies, fireworks)?
- How would you calm a mouse who is afraid of the dark? What would you tell him?
How else can you rid a child of the fear of the dark?
- A game. Let's flash flashlights from different rooms: the mother from hers, the child from hers. You can come up with your own signaling system. This can be done as a daily ritual before bed.
- A game. Let's touch this door in the dark: is it the same as during the day, in the light? And this bedside table, hanger?
- We examine the house with a flashlight: we look under the bed, in the corners, in the closet. We are discussing the details. What looks different at night, what remains the same?
- Let's draw your favorite hero in the dark and come up with a story with your child about how he helps his friends be brave.
- Let's draw the fear and invite the child to do with it what he wants: tear it up, turn it into a positive hero, finish drawing it to make a funny drawing, make an airplane out of it and release it out the window, flush it down the toilet.
- Light candles and talk about the times when there was no electricity.
- Play as a mouse who was afraid of the dark and a brave boy who gave him a “brave flashlight”. It is important for the child to be in the role of a mouse, and in the role of a boy, and in the role of a frightening darkness.
- Game "Guess what it is." The adult collects several items from the room in a bag, then calls the child, turns off the light and takes out one item at a time. The child’s task is to guess what it is and remember where it was.
An excellent addition to a calm attitude towards darkness, sound sleep and a reduction in general anxiety will be the elimination of active games before bedtime. It is also important to minimize family quarrels in front of the child; if negativity cannot be avoided, make peace in front of the child. An abundance of tactility (hugs and kisses) before bed helps to cope with fear.
«Read good fairy tales or stories about courage, friendship, and good habits to your child. Children are soothed by a “sleepy” soft toy from their mother. It can be made from mom’s old things, mom’s unnecessary pillow
", recommends Tamara Baranova.
As a rule, fears come and go with age, without worsening or lingering, if the parents are confident in themselves and there is a stable and calm environment in the family. A child who feels the love of adults understands that he will find the support of his mother and father at any moment.
SOURCE
Aggregator of good deeds “I’m at home” - ya-doma.ru Call center for coronavirus infection: 8 (495) 870-45-09 Consultation with a psychologist in online chat and Skype - msph.ru Emergency psychological help - 051 (with city), 8 (495) 051 (from mobile) Contact phone number of the Moscow Employment Center Additional information on obtaining certificates: 8 (495) 679-79-69
Press service of the Department of Labor and Social Protection of the Population of Moscow
