Questionology: how to ask the right questions - Psychology of effective life

Common questions

By asking, we want to receive information that confirms our vision of the world, our perception of the situation, our “map of the world.”

If someone does something that seems very strange to us, we immediately ask, “Why are you doing that? What's gotten into you? And he will be forced to justify himself and explain himself. Because we want to understand him! We want to understand what he did, but in our coordinate system. Because we limit the questions we ask to 15% of their total variety.

Let's talk today about the remaining 85%, which we usually don't touch. And also about questionology - the art and science of asking questions.

Common Mistakes

Let's also go over the most common mistakes people make when asking something.

Ask a question that contains a ready answer

People often make this mistake when they are unsure of something and want outside confirmation. Such questions are not only meaningless, they are also harmful. By asking them, a person reveals self-doubt and unwillingness to rely on oneself.

Examples:

Does this blouse suit me?
Do you agree that this is the best offer?
I think we should postpone the trip, don't you think so too?

In all these options, a person tries to shift part of the responsibility for making a decision onto the interlocutor. Moreover, the opinion of the person himself is not taken into account; he is told in plain text what he must answer. Many people are annoyed by such navigating. If you really want an unbiased view of the problem, ask differently.

Put pressure on your interlocutor

Questions can also be a way of putting pressure on the interlocutor. I strongly advise against using them for this purpose. You will lose the person's trust and lose the chance to get the information you need.

Examples:

Why the hell haven't you washed the dishes yet?
Do you think it's okay to talk to me like that?
Is it okay that I've been waiting for you for 10 minutes?

It is better to express your indignation with an affirmative sentence. It's more constructive.

Asking a new question without waiting for an answer to the previous one

By doing so, you risk being left without important answers. A person cannot keep several questions in mind at once. Most likely, he will answer only the last one. You will either have to repeat it several times, or be content with incomplete information.

Feign understanding

If you don’t understand something in your interlocutor’s answer, don’t hesitate to ask again or clarify certain points. An unclear answer is useless; you will never be able to apply it in life. Moreover, the person will assume that you understand him and expect an appropriate reaction.

Don't be afraid to seem stupid and irritate your interlocutor by asking again. On the contrary, he will note your responsible attitude to his words and will be imbued with respect.

Socratic technique

There is a technique that allows you to expand questions.

The first who long ago understood the need to change traditional questions was Socrates. For example, if one of his students complained about injustice, Socrates did not ask him: “Why are you complaining about injustice?” Recognize that answering this question will not advance the debate much. Socrates asked: “What assumption have you made to conclude from it that this is unjust?”

See how the focus is shifting? This time the student thinks about how his own inferences function. By asking this question, Socrates allows us to think about his way of thinking, that is, reflecting. And on top of that, he asked the student to determine what his “world map” consists of.

The purpose of Socrates' questions is to make the student think, teaching him a lesson through it. A brilliant idea, I must say.

How to ask to get a “Yes” answer

Human psychology will reveal this secret to us.

First of all, do not use negative particles in your expression. These include “no” and “cannot”. This formulation provokes a person to refuse, because you yourself suggest how to answer. Sometimes it is easier to refuse if there is no particular desire to agree or fulfill your request.

To obtain consent, you need to formulate the question in an affirmative, positive form.

For example, instead of “Will you marry me?”, you need to ask “Will you marry me?”

Aristotle's Lyceum

Aristotle, another philosopher, went even further. He built the first lyceum in Athens on this principle: asking questions to make you think - this was the principle of the learning process there.

What is the situation with lyceums in the 21st century? Questions are used in abundance. But only in order to evaluate the student, who must reproduce everything that was told to him. He is asked one question and expected one specific answer. Which is also known in advance! In fact, this should be called interrogation. To teach and then question - this is the essence of a modern lyceum. A huge difference from the Socratic project. But we were taught that way too.

Communicative communication involves the ability to correctly pose questions

Questions are a way to get the information you need and to direct the conversation in the right direction.
Questions enable us to discover what interests us most. A well-posed question, in addition to providing you with the required information, will allow you to avoid conflict situations and missteps.

It doesn’t matter who you are: a manager, a basketball coach, a psychologist, you will definitely need the ability to correctly pose a question.

The right questions allow you to:

Show interest in your opponent;
Demonstrate your value system, which will be understandable to the interlocutor, and learn about his values;
Get the necessary information, show that you can devote sufficient time to talk;
Take the initiative and control the flow of the conversation;
Change the topic of conversation;

If you want to hear a smart answer, ask smartly

Why ask questions at all?

We ask questions to find out what is happening around us, but not in order to learn something fundamentally new - to only confirm and strengthen the already existing “map of the world.”

You can say that the system works well - why ask any other questions? Einstein said this: “If I have 1 hour to solve a problem on which my life depends, I will spend the first 55 minutes searching for the best question I can ask myself. When I find it, it will take me 5 minutes to answer it correctly.”

Donskoy Consulting Group

How to ask questions effectively?

Have you ever wondered what a powerful weapon the right questions can be? A question can direct the interlocutor’s thoughts in the right direction, or vice versa – lead away from the topic of conversation. A question can confuse or give confidence. The art of asking and getting the answers you need can be a sales manager's ace in the hole, but it can also help in ordinary life situations. Let's figure out how to ask questions effectively.

Closed questions

Closed questions are structured in such a way that the interlocutor’s choice of possible answers is limited to two words: “Yes” or “No.” They significantly narrow his “room for maneuver.” Closed questions are good in all cases when we simply need to get an affirmative answer or establish specific facts in order to adjust our further actions in the communication process.

Examples of closed questions:

Perhaps you need more information?
May I consider that I have cleared your doubts?

You can ask a closed question to your interlocutor if:

you need to get a short and unambiguous answer from him;
you want to quickly check his attitude towards something;
you are sure that by asking a series of closed questions you will receive the necessary information;
you want to make sure you understand the other person correctly.

Closed questions can also be used to stimulate positive responses from the interlocutor by appealing to generally accepted values. For example: “Is product quality important to you?”, “Do you like working with a reliable supplier?”, “Would you like to have reliable guarantees?” This technique is useful if the interlocutor is negative, has doubts, or simply does not have enough information to make a decision.

You should remember that in some cases closed questions can “strain” the interlocutor, as they impose additional obligations on him. And who will like it?

A situation that is probably familiar to anyone who has ever walked through a shopping center or store, when, upon entering the sales department, a smiling and “trained” salesperson asks: “Can I help you with anything?” This is a “forbidden” question, because help should only be offered to sick people, but we all consider ourselves healthy. And in the overwhelming majority of cases, the person asking this question will hear the answer: “No.”

There are a lot of “stupid” closed-ended questions with predictable answers. Here are just a few of them:

Tail questions are a type of closed question. These questions guarantee a “Yes” answer, since they assume a programmed answer from the interlocutor in the direction you want. The “tail” can be the following phrases: “Isn’t it true?”; "Is not it?"; "Is it true?"; “Do you agree with me?”; "Right?"; "It is so?". Examples:

Nobody wants to overpay, right?
You are interested in purchasing a quality product, aren’t you?

In conclusion, I note that very often, in addition to the answers “Yes” and “No,” people answer closed questions: “Maybe”; "Let's see"; “We need to think,” etc. Psychologically, we perceive such answers as positive. After all, you really want to believe in good things. Being “young”, I often fell for this bait. The client only said that he “maybe” would cooperate with our company. In fact, he promised nothing and did not undertake any obligations. He needed time to “think”, and he easily said: “Maybe.” And you already begin to live with the feeling that everything has been decided. The client is yours. A day passes, a week passes. You begin to slowly get angry with the client for not calling for a long time. And when you finally call back yourself, you find out that other consultants will make money from the client.

Alternative questions

Alternative questions provide the so-called “choice without choice” and suggest several (usually two) possible answers from the interlocutor, each of which suits us. These questions require a quick decision on the part of your interlocutor. Moreover, the conjunction “or” is most often the main component of such a question.

Examples of alternative questions:

Is morning or evening delivery convenient for you?
Will we meet on Monday or Thursday?

By asking alternative questions, we focus the interlocutor’s attention on the proposed options. This simplifies his decision-making and facilitates the selection process.

An alternative question you can ask your interlocutor:

when discussing plans for subsequent interaction;
to motivate indecisive interlocutors to make a decision;
in order to reassure the interlocutor and allow him to choose the “optimal” option for further actions.

It should be remembered that the alternative question is itself a manipulation. Therefore, when talking with your interlocutor, use only one. A series of similar questions, for example: “Will we meet in the first or second half of the week?”; “What about Thursday or Friday?”; “And in the first or second half of Wednesday?” etc. It will cause nothing but increasing irritation in your counterpart and most likely the answer will be that he will call you back somehow.

When you ask your interlocutor alternative questions, you have no guarantee that he will be satisfied with the choice provided and will not offer in response a “third” option that no longer suits you. For example:

Will we meet on Thursday or Friday? Answer: "Early Sunday morning."
Will you pay in cash or on credit? Answers: “Better at your expense. I will accept it as a gift."

Suggestive questions

Leading questions are deliberately constructed in such a way that your interlocutor, when answering them, agrees with the statement you are voicing. Usually attempts are made to somewhat veil it so that the interlocutor does not understand that he is being pressured.

Leading questions are distinguished by a special interrogative intonation and usually include the following words: “of course,” “certainly,” “unambiguously,” “too,” “also,” “after all,” “surely,” etc.

Examples of leading questions:

You probably want to...?
Surely you are striving for...?

It is recommended to use a leading question only if absolutely necessary:

in the case when we want to return the talkative interlocutor to the topic under discussion;
if our interlocutor is a doubtful and indecisive person.

When asking leading questions, be sure to address your interlocutor by name. However, in other cases it will be useful. Our own name is one of the most affectionate words that each of us hears from early childhood.

Leading questions sound extremely intrusive. They almost force the other person to admit that you are right. Therefore, use this type of question very carefully. Remember that the question you ask should evoke a positive reaction from the interlocutor.

Clarifying questions

Clarifying, or, as they are also called, semi-open questions, assume that the interlocutor will give short and concise answers. They should only be asked if you missed or misunderstood something the other person said or if you have doubts whether he understands you.

Clarifying questions help:

clarify the desires and intentions of the interlocutor;
induce him to perform a certain action.

Clarifying questions include the following words and expressions: “Do I understand correctly...”; “So what you're saying is...”; "You mean…"; "Do you think…"; “In other words, you believe...”, etc.

Examples of clarifying (half-open) questions:

“Do I understand correctly that you are interested in the level of service?”
“In other words, you would prefer to go to Lapland. Did I understand you correctly?"

When communicating, paraphrase your interlocutor’s statements and clarify whether we understand him correctly. He will confirm or refute our doubts and provide additional information. By doing this, we are likely to give the impression of a person who strives to thoroughly understand the issue under discussion and focus on important points in the conversation.

Open questions

Open questions are questions that cannot be answered with a simple “Yes,” “No,” or “Maybe.” They are aimed at receiving detailed information from the interlocutor and, as a rule, begin with the words: “What?”; "Who?"; "How?"; "When?"; "Where?"; "How many?"; "Which?".

Examples of open questions:

What is most important to you when choosing a new supplier?
When will you be ready to present the results of your work?

Advantages of open questions:

stimulate thinking, analysis, putting forward new judgments and ideas;
give you the opportunity to openly express your own opinion.

Disadvantages of open questions:

may cause a confusing and chaotic response that is difficult to understand;
capable of confusing an insecure interlocutor;
involve asking clarifying questions. Interrupting your interlocutor can offend him and lead to difficulties in further communication.

It is naive to believe that, having heard open questions, our interlocutor will definitely turn on all his eloquence and give complete and detailed answers to them. No matter how it is. As is the question, so may be the answer. Sometimes, when you hear a question that begins with “how,” you want to immediately rhyme “no way” in response. “When” suggests the continuation of “never.” “How much” easily turns into “not at all”, and into “as much”, and into the counter question: “How much do you need?” “Where” is found “in Karaganda”. “From where,” well, of course, either in Nikulin’s “from there” or “from the camel.” And to the “why”, folk wisdom immediately suggests “yes, by the way.”

I will give some more options for my “harmful” answers to open questions, which successfully allow you to confuse your interlocutor and seize the initiative in a conversation:

“How can I introduce you?” Answers: “Middle-aged man”; "In the shower"; "Next to you"; "On myself"; "With flowers"; “Introduce me as you like,” etc.
“Why are you telling me this?” Answer: “By phone.”

Remember that open-ended questions give the interlocutor the opportunity to avoid a specific answer, provide only information that is beneficial to him, mislead you, and even divert the conversation away from the topic under discussion.

"Question everything"

This message is also great because it shows how a genius carries out his research. It is more about questioning than seeking answers. If he had asked himself the traditional question beginning with the word “why” (“Why are the movements of celestial bodies not explained by modern theories?”), he would not have advanced physics as much as he did. Instead, he most likely asked the Socratic question: “What modern hypotheses can be proposed to explain the celestial movements?” That is, the revolutionary nature of his contribution lies in the fact that he proposed to change existing hypotheses. He suggested that time and space are impermanent. A revolutionary idea that changes the “map of the world” in physics. As you can see, asking questions is very important.

Don't do this: 5 main mistakes

Basic mistakes that reduce the effectiveness of a conversation.

Include your answer option in the question if you want to know the opinion of your interlocutor. For example: “Do you think we should go to the cinema?” The person will simply agree. It’s better to ask: “Where do you think we should go in the evening?”
Put pressure on the respondent. This puts the opponent under stress and he becomes lost. Even if you feel irritated or angry, the remark should sound respectful.
Be silent if you do not understand the answer. Very often we are embarrassed to ask again, thinking that we will look stupid. But for the conversation to be successful, it is important to understand each other. Therefore, do not pretend that you understand your interlocutor when you do not.
Ask questions as your opponent answers, interrupting him. This prevents him from fully expressing his thoughts. Eventually it will simply close.
Don't prepare for the conversation. If you have an important conversation, it is better to write down the questions in advance. It’s even better to create several versions of phrases so as not to improvise on the fly.

Analyze how you ask and whether you are making the mistakes listed above. For example, during an active discussion I can interrupt my interlocutor and ask him a question as soon as it arises in my head. This irritates people, so I try to eradicate the habit and control myself when talking.

Watch a psychologist’s video on how to ask and conduct a dialogue correctly:

Coaching Example

To better understand how questionology works, I propose to consider the example of coaching a teenager.

Teenager: “I work very hard, participate in class, stay attentive, do all my homework, spend a lot of time on it. But as soon as I find myself on a test, everything disappears from my mind, it’s like I’m in a stupor.”

You see, this teenager is already extremely active. He is the actor in his situation. He works, he listens to explanations in class, he participates in the lesson, he looks for answers when he is called on.

If I ask the question: “Why do you get stuck on a test?” - it won't help him. Because he is already the main character in it, and I will ask him to remain in this role.

Instead, I will suggest that he change his position. I suggest you first feel what is happening. And then step back from the situation and observe from the outside what he is doing.

Coach: “When you get stuck on a test, how do you feel?”

Teenager: “I have a great fear of failing a test. And this prevents me from moving on."

Coach: “What are you afraid of when you’re afraid of failing a test?”

Teenager: “Well, if I get bad grades, I think it will prevent me from choosing what I want to do in life later.”

Do you see? A simple change of position regarding the object of the question allows this teenager to become aware of his “map of the world.” And the question that forces you to step away from the situation is not as difficult to formulate as it seems. It is enough to repeat the verb twice: “What are you afraid of when you are afraid of a test?” And the teenager suddenly realizes that for him the point of the test is to ultimately be able to choose a career.

You can practice detaching yourself from the object of any question by repeating the verb. And it works every time.

When we have realized what our “world map” looks like in a particular place, we can offer various other possibilities, new directions.

To do this, you need to offer other mental gestures.

Until this moment, he used the description of what was happening to him. I will offer him a mental gesture, which consists of bringing two different elements together.

Coach: “Does this mean that a bad grade on a test will prevent you from choosing a profession later?”

Teenager (after some thought): “Well, actually, no. Just because of one test, I won’t have any problems choosing a career direction.”

After this mental gesture, I offered him another one. It will put him in an interesting situation.

Coach: “Okay. If you don't write a test, what's the worst thing that will happen to you?”

Teenager: “I’ll have to rewrite it and be more careful.”

As you can see, by offering him different mental gestures and positions, we multiply the possibilities, whatever the subject of the question.

How to ask a question and get an answer - 7 rules

There are several rules for asking questions.

Human level.

Questions should be appropriate to the level of knowledge of your interlocutor. You should not ask too primitive, but also not too complex questions. Each person has an individual level that should be approached from different angles. If your questions are appropriate to the person's level, the interlocutor will not feel that you underestimate him.

Structured questioning.

One topic should contain no more than 3 theses, closely related to each other (a person is not able to process more). Each new question should flow smoothly from the previous one. The logic of asking questions is very important in order to lead the conversation in the direction you want.

Brevity and conciseness

Try to keep it to one simple sentence. By stretching out a question, you risk going off topic and making it difficult for your interlocutor to formulate an answer, as well as losing the very essence of the conversation. If you can't fit it into one sentence, give some background and then ask a simple question.

Listening skills

People won't hear your questions if you don't listen to your interlocutors. We have already talked a lot about the ability to listen, the benefits of such a skill can hardly be overestimated. Listen carefully to understand the answer as clearly as possible and find reasons for clarifying questions.

Accusations in questions

A common mistake in communication is hidden accusations in questions. If you are unhappy with something, it is better to say it directly in an affirmative form. Questions are used for completely different purposes.

Get ready

Each conversation has its own topic, the essence of the problem, to which you can select appropriate questions. If you have a meeting or interview, prepare initial questions in advance. Next, act based on your interlocutor’s answers.

What is internal dialogue

This is the first step you need to take if you want to know how to ask the right question to a person. It is internal dialogue that will allow you to learn to formulate thoughts. Moreover, this process must not be allowed to proceed chaotically. It has a specific goal - a detailed analysis of a specific situation or problem. Moreover, there is a list of questions that apply in this case. The first option includes the classic questions “what?”, “who?”, “where?”, “when?”, that is, a description of the situation as a whole. The second group of questions allows us to consider each of these in more detail. They are associated with aspects of facts and desires, feelings, time, obstacles and means. That is, the questions should clarify these aspects within the given topic. They help in understanding and making decisions based on their needs, preferences and determining the influence of other people on the situation. This makes it much easier to understand your inner world, organize internal dialogue and receive intelligible answers.