It is clear that difficult questions are those that you really don’t want to answer. Moreover, I don’t even want to hear them addressed to me. Very often they are offensive. Dishonest. They hit where it hurts.
This happens in families, with children and partners.
This happens with parents and friends.
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But now we will focus on business communication, on issues that concern YOUR business!
These questions can come from the boss, partners, employees, clients, intermediaries, drivers and cafeteria workers.
There are many different ways to answer these questions without saying anything you don't want to say. But the first thing you need to realize is that they are not asking you the question!
If you are a boss, manager, leader, then this question is not for you!
Even if they shout: “Ivan Ivanovich, I am addressing you personally!” - this is not a question for you as an individual.
This is a question for the function you are performing!
When faced with an unpleasant question, the first step is to separate personality from function. It will be much easier for you to find ideal answers: you will be able to turn off your emotions and turn on your reason
No matter who works as the head of administration (you or not), he will still be bombarded with questions from residents.
No matter how well the head of the administration works, there will still be those who are dissatisfied with everything.
No matter who is at the head of the company (you or not), there will be employees who are dissatisfied with their salaries, working conditions, customers and counterparties.
Therefore, when you hear an unpleasant question, the first thing to do is separate personality from function. The arrow does not fly at you, but at the sign with your position. Once you realize this, it will be much easier for you to find the ideal answers: you will be able to turn off your emotions and turn on your reason.
Then you can look for a suitable answer. There is no single scheme for working with complex questions (because the questions themselves, the situations in which they are asked, and the people who ask them are too different). But there are three “don’ts” that must always be taken into account.
Do not comment on the words and actions of third parties.
If you are asked: “What do you say to Ivanov’s phrase that you are a thief?” - answer: “I did not hear Ivanov’s statement and I cannot be sure that he said exactly that. Accordingly, I cannot comment on this statement. But you can always check with Ivanov himself what he meant.”
The person asking the question may have misunderstood Ivanov's words. He could have placed the accents incorrectly. He could even have imagined that he heard this from Ivanov! Don't give in to provocation.
Don't answer without thinking.
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You always have time to think. You can write down the question. You can ask a clarifying question. You can repeat what they ask and ask again: “I understood you correctly, right?”
It is no coincidence that they say: “a storm of emotions”, “resentment blurs the eyes.” We need time to separate our personality from our position. Five seconds
All this gives you time. You can’t answer right away, out of emotion: you’ll say too much. It only takes a few seconds for the feelings to subside - but they are fundamentally important. Sometimes during trainings I deliberately take the student’s hand. I'm asking an unpleasant question. And I shake his hand exactly five seconds after the question. This is a sign: you can answer. Mayors, governors, and company executives are shocked by how much more accurate and balanced their answers are then.
It is no coincidence that they say: “a storm of emotions”, “resentment blurs the eyes.” We need time to separate our personality from our position. Five seconds.
By the way, sometimes you need to clarify information simply so that the person himself understands what he is asking about.
I’m sure you’ve also met such “questioners”: they ask about one thing, get excited, jump to another... Emotions drag them along like the wind blows an empty bag.
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If you start clarifying the details, perhaps people themselves will thank you - simply because you helped them understand the essence of the issue.
It is important to clarify the source of information. Perhaps the person asking you the question is himself misinformed by incorrect numbers. Or maybe he is deliberately distorting reality.
Don't answer a question if you don't know the answer.
This is also a law. Never make up or pretend that you know everything. In this case, it is very easy to get into trouble.
Be honest: “I hate to admit it, but I’ve never heard of this. I will definitely look into it and give you an answer. Here are my contacts. Give me yours, please!” Contacts can be your assistant's phone number, email address, or reception phone number. I do not recommend giving your mobile phone number to the author of provocative questions.
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Exchange contacts and promise to sort it out - this is important. In fact, this exchange is your answer to the question. And so that you understand how dangerous it is to pretend to be a know-it-all, I’ll give you a real example.
Once, at a meeting of the mayor with residents (I won’t specify the city), one extremely angry young man jumped up. He was indignant that pipes were being repaired in a small park on the outskirts of the city and the workers did not clean up the park after themselves.
- It's outrageous! - answered the mayor. - I will punish the head of the district administration! Yes, it's a shame! You can't work like that!
And then a woman came up to the microphone.
- Ivan Ivanovich. “Her voice sounded a little confused. - Well, they buried everything in our park. And new asphalt was laid. Look,” she began flipping through the photos on her phone, “the day before yesterday I walked there with my granddaughter, taking photographs: everything is clean and beautiful. And you can’t even see where it was excavated...
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Ivan Ivanovich was a loser. He was both embarrassed by the situation itself and uncomfortable in front of the head of the administration, whom he publicly insulted. What should have been done to avoid getting into trouble? Answer clearly right away:
“I’m very sorry to hear this.” Unfortunately, I don’t know what the park looks like now. Tomorrow morning before work I will go there, look with my own eyes and give you an answer. Please give me your contacts.
As you say. How to win over any interlocutor
Option 1a. Avoid answering the question
To leave is not to refuse to answer, but not to answer either. My mother gave me an example of such “evading an answer.” She was very pretty, bright, lively, and, of course, she always had enough fans. One of the most devoted and active was the director of the school where she worked as a teacher. He showed his mother signs of attention for a very long time. For a very long time she pretended not to notice them: she didn’t want to leave the school at all, and the director himself was a good, interesting person, so she wasn’t going to raise a scandal, and the concept of “harassment” did not yet exist in those years.
One day, at a teacher’s party, the director finally seized the moment and found himself alone with his mother. And he asked sharply, one might even say, with pressure and resentment:
- Tell! Well, tell me honestly - you had lovers, didn’t you? Were there?
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His question sounded like a statement. Mom later said: “I realized: I need to answer in such a way that he never raises this topic again, so that he ends up a loser. But at the same time, in no way should I offend him in my words.”
According to her admission, she herself did not understand how her brilliant answer came to her mind:
“If I tell you the truth, dear Pavel Yakovlevich, you still won’t believe me!”
She smiled and left to join her cheering colleagues. The director really never allowed himself anything extra. She outplayed him and he admitted defeat.
As you understand, such a phrase can suggest either a complete absence of lovers or an incredible number of them.
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Mom gave an answer, but did not answer! And this phrase is almost universal. It can be used, albeit not in all, but in many situations.
One day, my government students gave me the idea of compiling a list of such phrases. I repeat: they are not suitable for all possible situations, but they certainly cannot be called disposable.
- You have known me for 10 years from real cases. I can only say one thing: I will not let you down.
- It’s unlikely that you will like the answer to this question, so let’s go with the next one.
“The people chose me, and I will answer to them.”
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- Thanks for the info. I won’t comment because there is nothing to comment on here.
“I can only answer this question with your help: you clearly know the situation better than me.”
- You say that you need to do it faster, but we both know: it won’t work out quickly and well.
- Pass by us and forgive us our happiness! (By the way, this is a quote from Dostoevsky’s novel “The Idiot”: the phrase was uttered by Prince Myshkin in an argument with Ippolit, who was sick with consumption.)
How to use your brain 100%: tips from Nike, General Electric and Virgin Group mentor Jim Kwik
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Diplomatic responses
Sometimes inappropriate questions come from complete strangers, with whom, nevertheless, there is no need to spoil relations. And even more so, you shouldn’t satisfy their curiosity. Politely enough, but firmly, let them know that you do not intend to develop a discussion of the topic raised. Here's how you can answer:
- I wouldn't like to talk about it.
- Sorry, but this is personal.
- Doesn't matter. Oh, well, what's the difference.
- It's a long story.
- Complex issue. I can’t answer it right off the bat.
- Why are we all about me! Let's talk about you better.
- Sorry, I can't tell you that. I hope you understand.
By the way, the phrase “I hope you understand” works wonders. It makes your opponent realize that you consider him a polite and tactful person who himself knows why you cannot carry on a conversation on the topic he has raised.
Your words will sound more kind if you say them with a smile.
Option 2: Cite the source
Very often, officials are stumped when asked about their salaries. Firstly, they don’t really want to name the amounts: whatever you name, there will definitely be a person in the hall to whom it will seem gigantic, and a person who will find it funny. And the official himself, for some, will become a “snickering rich man,” and for others, a “sold-out simpleton.”
Secondly, my experience of communicating with officials shows that many of them really do not know what amount is on their payroll. Additional allowances, bonuses, payments for overtime work are added to the base salary... And all this is extremely uncomfortable to explain to the same journalists.
So you can go the other way and say:
— You can refer to the administration website. All the income declarations of our employees, including mine, are posted there.
Option 3. Answer part of the question
As a rule, when people ask a difficult question, they put all their pain into it. And it rarely fits into a short “Why did this happen?” Accordingly, in one question you will hear many theses, conjectures, assumptions at once... and sometimes several questions at once.
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Choose one - the one that is easiest for you to answer. And answer it clearly and consistently. The remaining parts of the question can either be left out of brackets altogether, or short, superficial answers can be given to them.
Have you asked? We answer!
How much do you earn?
- Enough for life.
- Thank you, I'm not complaining.
- Of course, I would like more, but who wouldn’t want it, right?
When will you get married/have kids?
- Everything has its time.
- When we are ready to take on such responsibility.
- As soon as possible.
Why were you fired?
- Long story. Better tell me how you are doing.
- Oh, everything is so complicated there, I don’t want to burden you with details.
- Because everything comes to an end and it’s time to move on.
Option 4. Make a joke
This option is one of the most effective. A joke attracts any person, even the most angry one, especially if it is spontaneous and successful.
It pulls the rug out from under your opponent—and makes you the winner.
People often tell me: “But I can’t joke!” Surprisingly, the ability to joke is akin to an ear for music. Some people have it naturally, others don’t, but everyone can develop it. The main thing is to set yourself a goal.
Play on the polysemy of words, on the variety of meanings. A joke is always a breakdown of logic. This is the choice of the most unobvious option of all possible. Moreover, please note that the option should still be on the list of possible ones, but the last one on the list of obvious ones.
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If you say, “The neighbors’ new room was white as a Christmas tree,” it won’t be funny. A Christmas tree is never white. Where to laugh? If you say “The neighbors’ new room was white, like my envy,” irony will arise, especially if you really envy the light walls of your neighbor’s apartment with white envy.
You can joke in response to questions. By the way, Vladimir Putin is very good at this scheme. He was once asked live on CNN:
— How do you feel about the fact that European leaders did not accept Trump?
Putin smiled:
— I am not one of the European leaders. “Then he paused, paused, and added: “At least that’s what they think.”
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The audience burst out laughing. The CNN journalist did not press this question: the answer, which caused laughter in the room, already suggests that the question is closed. Listeners won't understand if you return to the discussion.
We have to move on to the next question - in a situation where the journalist loses and the speaker wins.
In general, everyone plays on the polysemy of the word “relate”, and this game does not become outdated.
Back in the 1980s, the guys from Vzglyad traveled around Soviet cities.
They packed stadiums: people came not to the concert, but simply to listen to Listyev, Lyubimov, Zakharov... They sent them notes with questions.
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If suddenly the questions turned out to be too boring, Listyev pulled out a trump card he had prepared in advance. He unfolded the piece of paper, saw that the question was boring, and instead read his own:
— How do you feel about homosexuals?
For the perestroika USSR, this was an acute, fresh and unexpected question: just yesterday, discussing such a topic seemed to be a sign of bad taste, and suddenly - it’s possible! Listyev allegedly re-read the question. Apparently he was thinking. He looked into the hall, as if formulating an answer. And he said:
- You know, we are not one of them!
The hall exploded with laughter.
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Boris Nemtsov knew how to joke very well. He was the same person with an absolute sense of humor, jokes were born to him completely spontaneously.
He was the first politician who, in response to the question “How much does your dacha cost?” said:
- Yes, by the way, about the dacha. If someone finds it, please take it for yourself.
Then this answer was used by many politicians and officials. But Nemtsov was the first - I myself was present at this. Of course, he didn’t have any dacha. But he would never have been able to prove this so easily if he had not joked: people do not believe such answers in advance. I would have to make excuses, refer to my salary...
There are many witty phrases that will help you, if not answer, then put your audience in a good mood. And only then, if you are in a good position, give an answer.
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- We thought about it, and I decided...
- Here you need to think: I know this sometimes helps...
“It’s better to remain silent and seem like a fool than to speak up and dispel all doubts.” (This phrase is attributed to Mark Twain.)
“First you look for justice, and then for another job.”
In general, I highly recommend seriously spending time and finding great aphorisms that suit you! Humanity, represented by the best minds, has done its best for us. We must be able to use this wealth.
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The gift of persuasion: how to prove to your opponent that your decisions are correct
Examples of how I respond to insults and rudeness
I use two methods: ignore (if we are talking about insults on the Internet) and psychological aikido M.E. Litvak (for real life and the Internet). Actually, I can’t say that I encounter something like this often, but rather very rarely. But if I have to, then I calmly agree with any characteristic and select a couple of more unpleasant epithets for myself. After all, I know that this does not apply to me, and with such an answer I save time and energy for things that are more productive and useful for me than feeding someone’s sick pride or low self-esteem. And if someone turns out to be very persistent, then I can always answer: “I feel sorry for you.” Well, or some of those phrases that we have already considered.
Option 5. Answer general to specific or specific to general
The answers constructed according to this scheme look very convincing. They show that you are in control of the situation, and to a much greater extent than the person asking the question.
Let’s say the question is private: “When will trees be planted in our block of new buildings?”
You give a private answer, and then rise to the general level and compare, for example, the degree of greening of your city and the neighboring one - of course, in favor of yours. Or you tell how many trees were planted throughout the city this year, and how many will be next year.
If you are asked a general question, for example: “Why is there so little greenery in our city?” - start with general figures and compare your city with the neighboring one, and end with a specific example: a microdistrict of new buildings, where just yesterday an alley of young linden trees was planted.
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Answers with humor
The first reaction to a tactless question is shock and indignation. However, the person who asked it may not have done it to offend you or provoke a quarrel, but simply without thinking. Most often, this is the sin of friends and relatives, who are sure that we will always understand them correctly and will not be offended. To avoid conflict in such situations, try laughing it off:
- What is this, an interrogation? I demand a lawyer!
- How much do I get? Isn’t it only food that is given for work?
- It's a secret. Can you keep secrets? I can do it too.
- Of course, I can tell you, but after that I will have to kill you.
- When will you get married? I probably won’t have time today. Maybe tomorrow.
This will throw the ball into your interlocutor’s half of the field. Let him now think about how to react to your joke.
Option 6. Answer sincerely
Let me make a reservation right away: in the previous answers, I do not encourage you to deceive. But the “sincerity” option assumes that you demonstrate not only knowledge, but also feelings. First of all, feelings. And, of course, it’s better not to play with sincerity!
One day, employees of a small organization complained to their manager about low salaries.
“Friends, it really hurts me,” their boss replied. — We all know what the average salary is in our market segment now. You know and I know that your salary is twice as high as the market average. Both you and I know: over the past three years, I have tried three times at the head office to increase your salary, the last time just a couple of months ago. I will not go. I’m just not going to go ask you for more money now. Not because I don’t appreciate you! I appreciate! But it physically hurts me because instead of “thank you,” I receive indignation: “Why do we rarely get salary increases?”
Not a single person objected to his boss. Everyone understood: they had gone too far and he was right. People felt guilty and grateful. All other harsh questions disappeared by themselves.
Pour water
Answer verbosely not to the question asked, but to one very close to it, keeping the main subject of the conversation unchanged. The method does not provide a 100% guarantee, since the interlocutor may not be so easily confused, but it works. At least among politicians.
If nothing comes to mind, start answering the question from afar. By the time you get to the point, the topic will fade away by itself.
- Why haven’t you been promoted yet? You've been working at this place for a very long time.
“As a child, I always looked at the adults who were returning from work in the evening, and thought that one day this would happen to me too. Then it seemed to me that this was great, because at work you don’t have to sleep and eat semolina porridge. What a fatal mistake!..
