“I fall asleep and I dream about Pushkin.
He walks with a cane along Tverskoy Boulevard. I run to him and scream. And he stopped, looked, bowed, and then said: “Leave me alone, old... I’m so tired of you and your love.”From the diaries of Faina Ranevskaya
You can become dependent on a person in the same way as on drugs, alcohol or nicotine. How to get rid of attachment to a person? Let's start with the diagnosis.
How to understand that it is emotional dependence
People notice pathological traits in their behavior:
• The whole world narrows down to the object of affection. His personality comes to the fore, overshadowing work, friends, hobbies and relatives. Attachment binds a person.
• Emotional blackmail. A person will do anything to get the attention of an attachment figure. Hysteria or demonstrative coldness? Both are welcome, no problem.
• Withdrawal syndrome. When the object of affection is far away, a person feels sad. I really want to be next to him again. This point is the reason why you want to get rid of neurotic attachment.
When attachment looks like a painful addiction, you definitely need to get rid of it.
Even when the connection with your attachment figure is healthy, there may be barriers between you:
• you are separated by distance;
• affection is not mutual;
• one of you is married;
• you simply don’t understand each other;
• something else came between you.
In any case, the relationship did not work out. Now you are wondering how to get rid of attachment to a man or woman. Let’s figure out how to do this using the knowledge from Yuri Burlan’s “System-vector psychology” training.
Causes
It is a mistake to assume that painful attachment is a demonstration of love and sincerity. A person is physically dependent, experiencing “withdrawal” without a partner.
Reasons for this behavior:
- A woman has a desire to be under the protection of a stronger person, a habit of shifting responsibility onto the shoulders of her partner. When a guy leaves a girl, she is left alone with the realities of life, which causes panic.
- A man is more often physically and financially dependent. For him, a girl is a source of delicious food and cleanliness in the house. When she leaves, the usual comfort disappears.
Even immaterial or platonic dependence carries danger. A person stops caring about self-development and degrades as a person. The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to get over a possible breakup.
Why do we get attached and can’t get rid of it?
A person feels comfortable only when he has good relationships with other people. His mood depends on emotional connections with others. It `s naturally. But the lack of attachments and the inability to empathize is a mental disorder. Attachments are the basis of our lives, but we want to control them: choose the right people, calmly leave those with whom things don’t work out.
Sometimes you can't get rid of it. There are no irreplaceable people, but sometimes we become so attached to a person that it seems that without him life has no meaning. It's better to die than to be alone. And we forget about hundreds of other interesting people with whom we can also communicate with pleasure. And fear also arises: what if nothing works out again? After all, he was so ideal and beautiful, soul and body, there is no other like him. No one else is needed now.
Many people, when they become attached to a person, have the feeling that he is special. Then they get untied and don’t understand what they found in him. It is our imagination, as in fairy tales, that makes a knight out of a shepherd, and a princess out of a washerwoman. There is nothing wrong with painting a beautiful image of the object of affection in your head. But when a person cannot direct his imagination to anything or anyone other than the object of his affection, he becomes emotionally fixated.
You need to realize that it is your emotions that make attachment special. And then what really happened between you may not seem so significant if you look from the outside.
Acknowledge your emotions
Admitting your vulnerability is a way to connect with your inner child. The best way to express this part of yourself is to speak like a child, for example: “I’m very sad / hurt / scared / lonely right now.”
Once you feel that you have sincerely expressed your feelings, you need to take the position of the inner parent. The first thing to note is how charmingly innocent, vulnerable and flawless your inner child is.
You can then gently reassure your inner child that it is okay to be sad, afraid, and angry.
At this stage, you are a wise adult who is determined to take care of your adorable child.
Even if you don't know what to do, you can gently say, “ We'll figure it out .” Or make this promise:
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“I know it’s difficult for you now. I know you feel lost and helpless. I don’t know how long it will take, but I’m here to do whatever it takes to help you.”
So we have a process for accepting thoughts and emotions. First, allow yourself to express them with genuine vulnerability. Second, respond to yourself with compassionate acceptance and understanding. Finally, express a loving desire to help.
Just remember, don't censor your thoughts and feelings . Every thought in your mind requires sincere and humane recognition. Allow yourself to fully express them from your heart.
What are the problems with attachment?
If you are asking how to get rid of attachment, it means that the object of the attachment either did not reciprocate or does not know how to build healthy relationships. It happens that people simply do not agree in character, do not understand each other’s mental characteristics. In any case, there is nothing to regret, because there is no hope for a happy future here.
When a person wants to get rid of a healthy attachment, he refuses a dose of warm emotions and, naturally, becomes sad. At first you walk down the street and you don’t even notice that you’re thinking about her again. You're bored again. But if a person’s emotional sphere is healthy, new impressions from a new life accumulate, and old memories fade away. This is the norm. But sometimes a person tastes the fruit of self-pity and receives hidden emotional pleasure. And then he cannot escape the web of emotional dependence.
“It hurts to breathe without him. I cry almost every day... I have had such a sick attachment for 5.5 years. Yesterday in the metro it got to the point where I started looking for him in the crowd. I looked at everyone, but, naturally, he wasn’t there... I often imagine him. I know for sure that he doesn’t like me. I can’t forget” (text taken from the forum here).
There are neurotic attachments, when partners enjoy quarrels and scandals, each feeling sorry for themselves. There is no spiritual intimacy in such relationships; people cannot share their secrets with each other. Omissions and misunderstandings become unbearable. You are already thinking about how to get rid of your attachment to a person. The psychology of emotional dependence does not allow it - the relationship continues, in reality or in a dream. The object of unsuccessful affection evokes negative, but bright and strong emotions. It seems better than emptiness. Some people with a visual vector are hooked on this like a drug.
“I didn’t love my man, but it seemed like he loved me, I couldn’t lose this feeling, like constant care... As a result, we lived together for 5 years... And for 2 years, without him, I can’t even sleep, I always have insomnia, fear of loneliness, from others I hate men, but I also understand that I never loved him and don’t love him, moreover, it was he who persuaded me to become so dependent. I always ran away, but it was like he caught me and didn’t let go. All thoughts about him are associated with negativity and fear!” (text taken from the forum here).
Test
To find out for sure about your addiction, get tested. Answer the following questions:
- Do you often feel anxious about your relationship?
- Do you have difficulty saying no?
- Are you constantly seeking his approval?
- If he praises you, does your mood improve?
- Do you panic if your partner is not happy with something?
- Can't imagine your life without him?
- Is he not interested in your goals?
If you only have 1-2 positive responses, this means that you are in the early stages of addiction. If there are already three “yes”, you are at the second stage, in order to prevent the development of the disease in a timely manner, sign up for my consultation, I will help you get rid of it. If 4-7 positive answers, you have the last stage of attachment.
Who attaches special importance to attachments?
The owner of the visual vector needs emotional connections with other people most of all. Frankness and trust in relationships, common interests with friends and walks under the moon at night are the values of the visual vector. A visual person lives for feelings and emotions.
The lives of visual people develop differently: due to trauma and bad experiences, they can forbid themselves to feel, and concentrate all experiences on themselves. And demand attention and love from those around you.
In a healthy attachment, the visual person, on the contrary, shows sympathy and interest in the partner, opens up emotionally and receives a response. If you had to get rid of a healthy attachment, the viewer feels bad, but not fatally. He will come to his senses and create more.
In a dependent attachment, a visual person cannot express his feelings, but instead feeds on those of others. Of course, when the object disappears from sight, you want more emotions. And there is nowhere to take them. It remains to feed on poisoned but sweet experiences from an unfulfilled attachment. It seems that this is suffering from which you want to get rid of, and at the same time sweet torment.
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How to get rid of attachment
It’s easy to leave a person in the past, but sometimes it’s too difficult to throw his image out of your head and stop going over in your thoughts what should have happened, but didn’t happen.
• The first tip on how to get rid of attachment is to switch. True, if you take up a hobby, throw yourself into work, go on a date, or just go out for a walk with the only thought of not thinking about Him or Her, nothing will work out. You need to get distracted first of all emotionally. Try to imagine that you will experience all the precious experiences associated with That person with someone else. And they will be brighter, stronger. And with this attitude, go out for a walk and meet with friends.
• Give yourself faith in the future. When we become too attached to a person, we don't see anyone around us. Letting go of attachments hurts when you are afraid of being alone. Communicate more and feel needed by many, rather than just one object of your affection. Learn to control and create attachments yourself. This is only possible with an understanding of human psychology. Then breaking up a relationship with a person will not be such a problem.
• Help someone who is in a similar situation. Your boyfriend or girlfriend probably also had problematic attachments that they had to get rid of. Maybe you can talk to them and share your experiences. Then you will see your own situation in another person - from the outside, not from the inside. And it will no longer seem so terrible to you.
• Expressing feelings on paper is often recommended. And burn the paper or put it away out of sight. This method will give relief if you publish the text on the Internet or at least let someone read it. Maybe even to the addressee himself. Not in order to get a response, but in order to put an end to it.
Finding a hobby for distraction
When we are deeply in love with someone, it becomes very difficult for us to focus our attention on everyday matters. Then try to switch your attention to new interests and hobbies. Try to find a hobby that you like and enjoy doing. Thus, your life will become easier. Your mind will not be focused on unbridled love all the time, but will rest from time to time. Any activity will be very good if it distracts you from obsessive, not the most favorable thoughts.
How to forgive and let go
Sometimes we feel like we should have said or done something in a relationship but it didn't work out and we can't let the person go. How to get rid of attachment? Understand why the relationship developed the way it did and not otherwise.
What to do if a person, on the contrary, feels that the object of affection owes him something: did not pay attention, insulted or humiliated him? A person cannot forgive him; with masochistic pleasure he thinks about his affection again and again. Even the decision to express grievances in person will not help here. You need to understand the very nature of the behavior of the object of attachment, to figure out what his fault really is. We can never say with certainty what motivates another person in a relationship. And when we try to explain his actions to ourselves, we only become even more confused.
“At the very peak of events, I was told: just don’t fall in love with me, we started seeing each other too often. Now I’m writing and I’m ready to cry... it’s very hard, just a day ago I was flying and fluttering because I have someone to love... And since yesterday evening I’ve been crawling barely, overwhelmed by simple words” (text taken from the forum here).
At Yuri Burlan’s training “System-vector psychology” we understand that a person always talks about himself, even when it seems that he is talking about others. Systematically, the meaning of the phrase “Just don’t fall in love with me” is translated almost as a confession. “I’m so afraid of falling in love with you...” the object of her affection says to the girl. Don't take everything personally.
To let go of the past and avoid painful attachments in the future, you need to take a deeper look at attachment. Then you will be able to say thank you to the object of your affection simply for being in your life, and your soul will become calm. If you feel gratitude towards him, then you are on the right path and can create new attachments with new people instead of the outdated old one.
If you quickly get used to a person
Some people tend to quickly develop emotional sympathies for unfamiliar people. As a rule, this happens if the attachment between the baby and mother was disrupted in early childhood (stay in an orphanage, illness or parental indifference). A person who has experienced such mental trauma perceives any manifestation of interest on the part of new acquaintances as the emergence of a psychological connection, thereby inflicting another wound on himself when the invented feelings are not brought to life.
Yellow color in psychology - what it means for a woman, man, child
How to stop getting attached to people you barely know:
- Try to become a self-sufficient person with strong interests and life principles.
- Teach yourself not only to give your love and trust, but also to accept the feelings of other people.
- Develop the ability to abstract yourself and let go of the situation, stop trying to control everyone and everything.
- Start enjoying the current moment, rather than endlessly analyzing the past and inventing the future.
Important! It is necessary to distinguish plans from fantasies: a plan provides for specific steps towards a goal, fantasies are something unrealistic and unattainable.
- Learn to love yourself and gradually adapt to the world around you, without infringing on your interests to please other people.
Love saves you from sick attachments
There is no single canon for unsuccessful relationships, but we know what a happy attachment looks like. The feeling of love was described by hundreds of classics of literature. If you are not attached to a person in such a way as to love him, then you should not get hung up on attachment. Love makes a person much happier than any attachment. If you want and dare to fall in love, you will definitely fall in love. And yearning for the object of affection when there is someone to truly love is as strange as waiting for the moon to rise in the light of the sun.
There is a key difference between affection and love. When you are attached, you are afraid to show your feelings, but when you are in love, you show your love with pleasure. Someone suggests starting a new attachment in order to get rid of the old one. This method doesn't work. You cannot completely replace one attachment with another. Only a feeling of love will dispel painful attachment and give strength to live in a new way. Love is an order of magnitude stronger than any attachment.
…Thanks to systemic knowledge, I was able to let go of a long-past but haunting love. In many ways, painful emotional addiction has released its grip, and for the first time in a long time, I feel light, able to love again. There was great tenderness left, and there were no disappointments or resentments left... Diana K., doctor, Tartu, Estonia
...I got rid of a love addiction that lasted for 9 years, and logically I understood that this relationship was futile in any case, but I couldn’t get rid of my incomprehensible feelings... Katya G., assistant manager for working with key accounts, Moscow
The article was written using materials from Yuri Burlan’s online training “System-vector psychology”
Let go of attachment by focusing on gentle, deep breathing
Whenever you depend on someone or something, your mind becomes deeply attached to it. In this case, you need to practice detachment while staying in the present moment.
The best way to let go of something is to let go of all your thoughts at once, to rid your mind of the need to control or cling to anything. You can do this by focusing on your breathing.
“Accept yourself with every breath. Let go of the whole world with every exhalation.”
Find a quiet place. Start focusing on your breathing, gradually slowing it down. Of course, you will still be distracted by thoughts, feelings, sights, smells and sounds. If this happens, gently acknowledge it and return your focus to just your breath and body.
Whenever you feel caught up in the chaos of life, take a moment to return to slowing your breathing. This creates a calm space that can free your mind.
It also allows you to relax a little, despite how crazy the rest of the world can be.
