Our stories decide our fate
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“...I had a date planned with a guy from a dating site: we agreed to have dinner at a cafe. I waited at the entrance for more than 30 minutes, but he never showed up. I was pulled into the abyss of negative thoughts: he probably saw me from afar, he didn’t like me, and he ran away...
Suddenly, an old friend from college, whom I had not seen for almost ten years, approached me. He smiled and tried to start a conversation, but the cats were scratching at my soul. I pulled myself together with difficulty.
Within a few minutes we entered the same cafe. The evening flew by unnoticed: we talked, joked, laughed. And after dinner we exchanged numbers and on Friday we will have a real date...”
Similar stories happen to many. And this is an example of how negative events only bring us closer to real opportunities.
If a girl succumbed to a bad mood, she would not have met a friend with whom she was truly interested and comfortable.
WHAT ARE ILLUSIONS?
Everything in life tells us that man is destined to experience in earthly happiness something deceptive, an empty illusion. For this, deep in the essence of things lie mysteries.
Arthur Schopenhauer
Illusion is a key concept in this book. Therefore, before we begin to discuss specific illusions that turn our lives into constant torment, we must understand what illusions are in principle. This book has a special understanding of the word “illusion” - psychotherapeutic.
Psychology, for example, defines illusions as “deceptive perceptions.” Look at the glass of water with the spoon dangling in it. At the air-water interface, a normal spoon appears to break. This is an error of perception, or, in other words, an illusion. If we pick up two balls of the same mass, but different sizes, then the larger one will seem heavier to us - this is also an illusion from a psychological point of view. Psychiatry also has its own understanding of illusion. For example, if a person begins to feel that he is being persecuted, when in fact no one cares about him, then this, psychiatry explains, is a painful, “pathological illusion.”
How to remain optimistic in any situation?
The problem is that a person expects a specific result from events. And if he doesn’t receive it, he experiences stress. Some people immediately give up, lose interest in everything, or have the feeling that any efforts are useless.
Stress-resistant people approach failure differently. They see three benefits in this:
- Each unsuccessful attempt brings you closer to the desired result;
- Any failure is a learning experience;
- You need to change your actions taking into account the experience gained.
If you view failure as a chance to gain other opportunities, it is easier to remain optimistic and motivated.
Reasons for negativity
A good attitude towards life is formed from childhood. Our first teachers are always our parents. If they believed that life is filled with sheer negativity, troubles and bad people, then we will also perceive everything that happens to us.
Often, the worldview is seriously influenced by the experience of adolescence, namely the relationships between adolescents of different genders. Women and men experience failures in love in the same way, so in the future they begin to have a negative attitude towards representatives of the opposite sex. Of course, such “dramas” do not happen in all novels, but quite often.
How to learn to see opportunities in failures?
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Not every person has the natural ability to see opportunities in failures. But the good news is that it can be developed, like any other skill.
Take an active life position
Try to avoid being a victim of circumstances. This is the position of passive people who “go with the flow.”
Remember: those who participate in processes and events have more opportunities to influence the situation.
Set specific goals
There is a principle: moderate stress allows you to properly tune your brain and protect you from more severe stress. When we set goals, we step out of our usual comfort zone and make extra efforts. At this time, the brain solves specific problems and will not allow you to go into negativity, even if some expectations were not met.
Stop blaming others for your failures
Sometimes you want to find the extreme in your failures. But in this case, you shift responsibility for your life and the events in it to him. This is a passive position that deprives you of the opportunity to influence circumstances.
Well, to be honest, everything we have at the moment is the result of our past actions or inaction.
Do what you like
When you enjoy something, it’s easier to solve problems, set ambitious goals and cope with stress. A favorite activity lifts your spirits and energizes you. It is these qualities that increase the level of stress resistance.
Remember: thoughts are material
This is not esoteric. It's simple: if a person perceives what is happening in black terms, he does not believe in his own strength. And therefore he makes efforts in the wrong places or does nothing at all.
In a positive mood, it is easier to go through trial and error. Therefore, do not forget: success largely depends on thoughts. And try to maintain an even emotional mood.
Pass your thoughts through three key filters
When you are overwhelmed by a wave of negativity, remember this simple exercise - pass a bad thought through three key filters:
- This is true?
- Is this a benevolent thought?
- Is this helpful/advisable for me?
More often than not, the situation turns out to be not as bad as our wild imagination portrays.
Don't be afraid of criticism
Nobody likes criticism. Even if a person wants to get an impartial opinion, in his heart he hopes that he will be praised.
Don't be afraid of being criticized. This can only mean two things:
- They want to teach you, help you, suggest you - it is illogical to be offended by help;
- The critic is trying to cover up his shortcomings and does it at your expense - you shouldn’t waste your life energy on such people at all.
Don't dwell on failures
The only thing worse than a negative attitude is dwelling on failures. If you notice such a weakness in yourself, use your willpower - fight it consciously:
- Stop all internal dialogues;
- Don’t even think about looking for scandalous publications on a sore subject;
- Switch your attention to any other things, preferably to new tasks.
Over time, you will learn to easily shift your focus from failures to constructive ideas.
Andrey Kurpatov. 21 true answers. How to change your attitude towards life
Previously, this book was called “The Most Expensive Illusions.” And to be honest, I liked this name. We love our illusions, they are dear to us. Of course, this leads to sad consequences, and therefore our illusions cost us very dearly. So, the title of the book was a play on words - expensive illusions, very expensive...
But I was criticized for this game - they say it’s not clear what it’s about! And one more thing - why does a person need to know about illusions? Maybe it would be more useful for him to read about common sense? Well, and so on.
In general, after some resistance, I gave up. If you want common sense in the title, let it be. Ultimately, this book is just about him, about common sense. If anything can save us from illusions, it’s him, dear! And getting rid of illusions is the only right way if you want to change your attitude towards life.
There are four “basic” illusions in total: the illusion of danger, the illusion of suffering, the illusion of happiness and the illusion of mutual understanding. These are some kind of system errors. They knock us off our feet, take us into the world of dreams, fantasies and horrors. And we no longer see the real world, we perceive it as distorted. But in the illusory world it cannot be truly good; everything there is illusory - even happiness.
And so, in order to change your attitude towards life, in order to see the world as it really is, you need to give up illusions and come to honest decisions. There are five of these honest decisions for each of the illusions. I talk about these solutions after a detailed description of each of the illusions.
So here are twenty truthful answers on how to change your attitude towards life. And there is another twenty-first - it is about the fifth illusion, a special one, the illusion of love.
I wish you true happiness, sincere mutual understanding and true love! It's possible. You just need to give up illusions!
Yours sincerely,
Andrey Kurpatov
Calm your mind
In order to learn to control your own thoughts, you need to begin to become aware of them. Let's try?! Take a deep breath and try to clear your head of all thoughts. This way you create free space for something new, unusual and non-standard. Moreover, your mind is at rest - you are the one taking a break for its work.
Sometimes we load ourselves up with problems and failures so much that we cannot look at the world from a positive perspective. At such moments you need to stop! This could be a rest in silence, during which you must observe yourself and understand where your own thoughts are and where they are imposed from the outside. This technique should not be neglected. Just start and everything will work out!
Mechanical perception
The last thing you need to do to reset your reality is to get rid of mechanicalness. Many actions and phenomena are so familiar that we accept them automatically, without using cognitive mechanisms. The following techniques will help you get rid of this.
Rearrangement
The simplest thing is to change the interior of your home. If paintings hang in the same places for years and furniture never changes location, gradually they cease to exist for you.
The point of this method is not to make global renovations and change your home beyond recognition. It is enough to make very small adjustments (move a vase from a table to a shelf, buy a floor lamp, etc.) to awaken memory and attention. This will help you see something new in something that has been familiar for a long time.
Unfamiliar route
A similar technique is changing the usual route (even contrary to logistics). It is not necessary to return home from work along a new road every time. But from time to time you need to choose other paths to expand the boundaries of your reality. In addition, you can sometimes turn your established daily routine upside down.
Priorities and guidelines
Successful people know everything about priorities and life guidelines. They know what brings them joy and makes them happy. Happiness is a feeling located within a person; it does not depend on external circumstances. People who have learned to live in harmony with themselves know how to find beauty in every day. Others are sure that happiness can only be achieved through external circumstances.
For example, a disoriented person believes that he will become happy if he builds a house, buys a car, finds love, and so on. This is a common misconception. Tension and depression will become your constant companions until you stop paying attention to how others live.
Instructions to help change your views
- Learn to accept people for who they are. Never give advice unless asked for it. Initiative is punishable; your moral teachings may be perceived somewhat aggressively.
- Stop expecting more from people than they can give you. Disappointments come when circumstances do not meet expectations. If you don't expect anything from anyone, all problems will be perceived much easier.
- Stop reveling in the irritation and anger that this or that situation provokes. Negative emotions sometimes absorb, a person does not notice the beauty that is in every day.
- It is important to learn to appreciate the present, to live every minute. Only through overcoming yourself can you find peace and confidence in the future. The one who walks will master the road.
- No matter how unpleasant the situation is, try to find the positive side of what happened. Don't fall into despair and disbelief. Remember, it's good to be somewhere nearby. Find it and never let go again.
Create a life that delights you
Take your time to think about what you really like. Growing up, most people focus on insignificant things. We work in a job we don’t like, spend time in an uninteresting company, and so on. This happens only because it is necessary!
If you have always wanted to draw, then do what you love. But! This does not mean that you need to quit your job. You can enroll in illustration or painting courses. Try to find like-minded people in your circle, and not those who regularly criticize your hobbies. One of the highest achievements of an individual is inner satisfaction, not external status or prize.
Dealing with difficulties and problems
Changing established views on life is quite difficult, but overcoming difficulties is in human nature, which means that this peak is within the reach of those who passionately desire it. Films that change your outlook on life can be the initial stage in personality change. They will help you rethink your lifestyle, make fundamental changes to it, and improve. Not every picture contributes to fundamental human changes. Finding the best motivational films is difficult, but possible. The best films that can change your outlook on life:
- Knocking on Heaven's Door (1997).
- And in my soul I dance (2004).
- The Untouchables 1+1 (2011).
- Into the Wild (2007).
- Big Fish (2003).
These paintings have a deep meaning. Some of them are based on real events, so they will not leave viewers indifferent. They teach you to believe in yourself no matter what happens.
There are plenty of reasons for life to turn into a series of experiences. The situation gets worse when there are similar pessimists around. Then the person literally plunges into the abyss of hopelessness and mental lamentation, not knowing how to get out of this state. It is much easier to communicate with the same losers than to learn something from people who have achieved success.
Step away from drama and the people who create it, and learn to enjoy the success of others. Every person can teach something, the main thing is to have a great desire to change for the better. To surpass oneself, and not others, is the main motivation of a person who wants to improve his life.
