How to distinguish love from affection: advice from psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky

Mutual affection between a man and a woman always begins with the stunning illusion that you think the same about everything in the world.

Swimming in the ocean of happiness, you are probably confident that this is definitely your soulmate. But as soon as people get used to each other, the degree of delight decreases and... hello, first doubts! How to distinguish love from affection?

Is this really your person?

Are you really right for each other?

Let's figure it out together!

Looking for the main differences

Love and affection are different things, but sometimes these concepts are confused. You can philosophize a lot about the difference between them; in fact, a person experiences both at the same time. They follow each other: attachment is the natural basis of love as a habit of intimacy.

What's wrong with this, you ask?

Let's look at situations from the point of view of fear of changes in usual life and emotions.

This habit causes addiction, which in turn leads to the fear of losing a loved one and a feeling of constant discomfort. In most cases, the actions of an addict will differ little from the actions of a loving person. And he will listen to his partner, do everything so that they do not move away from him and do not get angry.

The main sign of attachment is pain.

From the stress that you might lose your loved one, from the loss itself, from painful thoughts about whether he is cheating. Sometimes a person himself suffers from these experiences, and sometimes he receives pleasure.

Signs of affection

Superficial infatuation, jealousy, inconstancy are characteristics of attachment. People are together because of the fear of loneliness. They often part easily and quickly forget each other.

Passion

It’s worth thinking about what you like most about your chosen one. If people are connected by habit or passion, they will be able to name several obvious qualities of each other. They are not interested in studying their loved one. They value their partner’s “prestige”: his appearance, style, work, popularity. They can admire beautiful eyes, smile, gait. Sometimes affection develops into true love. But more often it becomes a depressing habit.

If the feeling is true, individuality is valued. A lover admires the character, dreams, thoughtfulness, and kind heart of his other half. A loving person notices little things: how a loved one hugs, how he laughs, how he reads books. A person knows a lot about a partner and strives to learn more.

Impermanence of feelings

Affection flares up quickly and fades just as quickly. In this case, the chosen one begins to irritate over little things. And a loving person accepts the characteristics of his other half. He knows how to ignore trifles, and in case of big problems he knows how to hear.

A tired partner is quickly exchanged for new love. Such inconstancy means that a person has a poor understanding of himself. He doesn't know who he needs. Does not understand his own feelings and desires. He is selfish and does not know how to share warmth with others. Instability is aggravated by complexes and mental problems. The individual does not want to be responsible, honest, mature.

READ Does love exist: its characteristics and purpose

Jealousy

To understand whether love or habit united people, you need to remember whether there were cases of absurd jealousy between partners. Out of attachment, a sense of possessiveness develops. A person constantly finds fault, makes guesses, and gets fixated on an invented problem. Many people call it passion. But such manifestations can determine an unhealthy relationship.

The desire to "receive"

Each partner is confident in his altruism. He is immersed in his experiences, blaming the chosen one for everything. It is difficult for him to realize his selfishness. Signs of self-obsession:

• it seems that he always did the right thing, but the chosen one does not see his mistakes (both think so);
• your priorities seem more sensible and important (and your partner seems naive and stupid);
• I want to satisfy my desires, even if my companion complains of discomfort;
• are not interested in the experiences, fears, thoughts of the other half;
• a person can gladly insult a partner, believing that he is completely right;
• can lie, insincerely flatter in order to get what he wants (a type of manipulation);
• in the success of a partner he sees benefits only for himself (material comfort, the opportunity to brag about a successful chosen one).

What types of nodes are there?

Of course, it is possible and reasonable to become attached to what supports and inspires you. However, at the same time, a person will easily “get rid of” if necessary and will not cause problems or worries for either himself or his partner.

Why is the fear of losing a loved one a sign of “bad” attachment, and not true love?

Therefore, love does not require sacrificing oneself. Life with any fear is an incomplete life. Note: more often than not, those who agree to a relationship with a person with whom they are uncomfortable just to avoid being alone are rarely truly happy. They do everything to prevent the other one from leaving the couple, thereby allowing disrespect for themselves, rudeness, assault, etc. Fear turns off the mind. And this is not at all a manifestation of love and affection, but only affection.

If you love, then you are not confined to the world consisting of you and your partner.

Once you lose him, you will retain the pleasant memories associated with him and move on with your life. Not the past. And for yourself and the people around you.

“Love is measured by the measure of forgiveness, affection by the pain of farewell”...

Pros and cons of relationships without true love

Quite often you can hear the phrase: “It’s better that they love me than I love someone.” There are many advantages in such relationships, but only if it is a matter of sympathy, and not habit or addiction. The lack of true love leads to suffering and a feeling of loneliness. Advantages:

• freedom of action, since there are no remorse;
• there is no jealousy, which has a very good effect on the psychological state, peace is not disturbed;
• increased attention to one’s own person in exchange for little;
• you can have an affair on the side, change sexual partners, which initially seems tempting.

READ

How to forget a loved one and stop thinking about him: advice from a psychologist

Flaws:

• spiritual emptiness, loneliness;
• feeling of a wasted life;
• decreased self-esteem;
• lack of feeling of real happiness;
• periodic irritability towards a partner;
• involuntary focusing on the shortcomings of the chosen one.

However, relationships without true love that are based on healthy attachments last longer. There is trust between partners, mutual assistance, and care. To the spouse’s question, “Why don’t you leave me?” You can often hear the answer: “I’m used to you, where should I go to someone else’s aunt?” In such a marriage, a man perceives his wife more as a mother. He stays with her because he feels comfortable. At home they will always feed you, clothe you, and take care of you when necessary.

The woman, in turn, gets used to a certain rhythm of life, her husband’s shortcomings, and does not want to start a new process of building a relationship with another man. She does not want to experience new emotional upheavals.

What are you experiencing

How to understand whether you are dependent on a person and whether there are too many restrictions in your life?

Attachment turns love into a bad habit when people lose the ability to exist without each other even for some time. Let's look at how it can arise and how to determine what your relationship is built on.

• If a couple has a common home/business, etc., or one of the partners is more comfortable, then for the second he is the personification of material comfort. Parting with him is associated with the loss of the usual standard of living.
• Often immature individuals or people who have received psychological trauma as a result of past negative experiences are afraid of loneliness.
  

  People in a couple can drive each other crazy, but they will not break the union.

  They will call it love, but there is attachment out of fear of being alone and unwillingness to leave the comfort zone. Comfort here simply means the usual way of life. They may not like what happens in their lives every day, but they will prefer such a routine to the uncertainty that follows a breakup.

• Unhealthy relationships can arise due to excessive selfishness of one of the partners. If the other one accepts the rules of a one-sided game, then after a while he will begin to feel needed, only realizing the needs of his “half” to the detriment of himself.

"Symptoms" of true love

Loving people sincerely open up to each other. This is a strong meaningful feeling . Other signs of love:

• desire to give as much as possible;
• the need to be faithful;
• the ability to accept the shortcomings of a loved one.

Deep feelings

If love is real, a person loves both his partner’s advantages and his disadvantages. His attitude does not change during conflicts and other crises. A lover deeply respects his chosen one, even when he finds himself in absurd situations. There is no place for idealization in such a union. As people get to know each other, they only fall in love more. And when obstacles appear, they fight them together.

Mutual trust

Love is impossible without the frankness of the halves. In psychology, trust between partners is defined as a complex psychological phenomenon caused by similar experiences and views. People are not afraid to remain themselves in such relationships; they reveal their real “I”. Love inspires them to express themselves. The feeling stimulates you to study yourself, revealing yourself to your loved one.

The desire to “give”

Another important difference between affection and strong feelings: affection is caring for oneself, love is caring for a loved one. The lover strives to please the chosen one, to please him. There is a need to see the positive emotions of your other half, even if you have to risk a lot.

A deeply loving person strives to “get the stars” for his beloved. For him, the main goal is the happiness of the chosen one, and not his own. He is interested in the self-development of the object of his love. Wishes him happiness, regardless of his own goals and views. In a formal relationship, a person is glad that he just has someone.

Love for another person is a skill characteristic of a highly developed person. An individual with a neurotic psyche is self-centered and selfish. He needs relationships for his own happiness, and he is not interested in the well-being of his chosen one. Highly developed persons know how to live for another personality without dissolving in it. They are aware of their part of the blame if problems arise. When two highly developed personalities find each other, they are able to survive any crisis.

If in a couple only one “gives”, this is painful love. We need harmony. It is important to negotiate and give in. However, the balance will be different for all couples. The main thing is that both companions feel comfortable. For example, one of them does not know how to concede, while the second makes contact more easily. Such relationships work if they suit both. You don't have to try to achieve a 50/50 balance.

READ Declaring your love to your husband is a simple way to bring romance back into a relationship

Loyalty of partners

It's not just about intimate fidelity. Devoted halves know how to overcome difficulties together. Conflict does not lead to separation. The romantic union, on the contrary, becomes stronger.

Although “bodily” devotion is also important. Lovers have a need to be faithful. This is not an oppressive obligation, but a sincere desire. I want to preserve the passion and, if necessary, warm it up. And wasting energy on others seems pointless. Staying faithful is easy and pleasant.

Loyalty should not be confused with lack of freedom. Love helps a person to open up and develop. Loving people remain themselves in relationships. Each participant maintains connections with old comrades. The halves have interests outside the relationship.

Tearing off the masks

Do you think that everything is ok in your couple, but still wonder how to distinguish love from affection for a person? Well, let's pay attention to how each feeling is expressed.

• Your partner is an angel. In any case, you perceive him this way (or vice versa: he perceives you), which means that you are attached to some specific quality of his (intelligence, appearance, originality, etc.).
  

  What is the difference between love and affection in this case?

  The fact that loving partners see in each other not only the positive, but also the negative, and accept it.

• How else can you tell if you love your boyfriend/girlfriend or are attached to him/her? If this is normal at the initial stage of a relationship, then later, when the usual environment ceases to exist for one or both partners, we can safely talk about attachment. Such an obsession with a partner will ultimately lead to irritation of the object of passion and a desire to literally “get rid of it.”
  

  Loving people give each other the right to personal space and social life.

• Someone in your couple uses the pronoun “I” too often, almost always puts their interests to the fore, without thinking about what is important for the other.
  

  Love or affection?

  Of course, the second one. While true love is manifested in mutual consideration of interests and care for each other.

• Actually, any “preserved” state is a sign of attachment. Have you stopped reading, developing, attending your favorite trainings? Do you like to draw, but after starting a relationship, you decided to move your easel to the attic? Previously, you used to let your soul go by playing the “Moonlight Sonata”, but now the instrument is covered with a centimeter layer of dust? Has handicraft moved to the far corner?

Love and creativity

Love encourages a person to create, create, and realize creative potential. If everything is the other way around for you, think about whether you are in a healthy relationship.

How to understand what leads to frequent quarrels?

How to distinguish between love and affection, even if you are both ardent and passionate natures? Of course, in the case of love, most likely, both will care about compromises. There is something else that distinguishes these two concepts. This is gratitude.

When we love, we usually feel gratitude in principle for life, and for the person who is next to us.

We are simply happy to have him there. And here's another thing. Love between you or affection on the Internet suggests determining various tests for girls. Before you turn to them, think about whether you should let tests that begin with a question determine your destiny.

“Does your boyfriend often call you by a different name?”

Test

It is necessary to conduct the psychological test “Love and affection in relationships” if you doubt your partner’s feelings and yours. Answer questions as honestly as possible.

The test consists of 8 points, select the desired letter, then calculate the total points and read the results:

1. How do you feel when you meet your loved one on the street, at university, or see that he is online on social networks? A) My heart beats quickly, I’m embarrassed - 3 B) I’m very worried, but I calm down quickly - 1 C) I don’t notice it right away, sometimes I can pass by - 0.
2. How quickly did your romance develop? A) They fell in love at first sight - 1. B) They got to know each other for several weeks - 2. C) The romance developed carefully, slowly, the first kiss happened a month later - 3.
3. What attracts you most in a partner? A) Appearance - 1. B) Internal content - 3. C) Wealth (money, career) - 0.
4. When you break up for a long time, how do you feel? A) I’m very worried, I miss you - 3. B) I don’t notice the separation - 0. C) I’m jealous, I think that she (he) is cheating on me - 1.
5. How does your partner influence you and your personal development? A) I do strange things, I’m disorganized - 1. B) I’m developing, trying to be more educated, well-read - 3. C) I don’t notice any changes - 0.
6. Does your partner have flaws? A) Yes, but they touch me, we are trying to get rid of them together, adapt to each other - 3. B) No, he (she) is ideal - 1. C) Yes, and this really infuriates me, irritates me - 0.
7. How do you feel about your relationships? A) We have little in common, probably they are not destined to last long - 0. B) I want my partner to devote his entire time to me, to be constantly nearby - 1. C) We both believe that we are made for each other , we are thinking about a future together - 3.
8. If your partner falls in love with another person and leaves, how will you feel? A) Hatred, rejection, resentment. I’ll definitely find a way to take revenge - 1. B) Pain, but I can overcome it, because it will be better for him (her) than living with an unloved person - 3. C) Nothing, it’s high time to end this relationship - 0.

Test results: 1-6 points You definitely do not have serious feelings for your partner. This is a temporary shelter, you are probably waiting for someone else. It's better for you to break up now and start looking for true love. 7-10 points Your sympathy for each other is like a habit or a strong attachment. Most likely, this is a selfish feeling. Each of you thinks first of all about yourself, strives to fulfill your desires. The passion will soon pass and the feelings will cool down. 11-24 points You are in a wonderful state of true and deep love. Appreciate your partner and his reverent attitude towards you.

Changing the line of behavior

Having figured out what the difference is between love and affection, and having come to the conclusion that you have become a hostage to the latter, it is logical to ask yourself what to do about it all. We will give advice with several options:

Feeling like a creator

If you are the one tying the knots, then you definitely have an ace in your hands. Observe yourself and start adjusting your attitude. Try to be sincerely interested in what is important to your partner. For example, if he is a football fan, go to a match together. If contemporary art inspires her, buy two tickets to the exhibition. It is important to first obtain a little information - about the rules of the game and the teams, about the representatives of this movement and the artist whose exhibition you intend to admire on Friday evening.

This will provide you with topics for conversation, during which you will be sure to look at your partner in a new light.

Yes, but... how do you know if it's love or affection? Believe me, everything will happen by itself. By looking at your “other half” differently, you will either fall in love with him in a new way, or you yourself will decide to let him go. Having experienced in practice the difference between these two feelings, it will become easier for you to give an adequate reaction and manage your behavior.

Difference between love and affection

Love, especially its forms of storge and agape, can be confused with affection. Having become attached to a person, just like having fallen in love, you strive to become indispensable for him, want to spend more time with him and take into account his desires. But, unlike attachment, love lights a fire in the heart, which in an instant can turn into a fire and destroy all living things.

• Love hurts.

A loving person sometimes has to make a difficult choice between his interests and feelings. If it is not mutual, your life becomes a drama. Every day you feel your heart breaking with despair. Affection is an inexhaustible reserve from which you draw understanding and sympathy.

• Love clouds the mind.

It is impossible to be guided by iron logic when everything inside you is boiling with love. You don't think about your needs, you don't have an ounce of selfishness. You are ready to give your life for another person. Attachment does not lead to impulsive actions. It allows you to gain strength and make an informed decision. Love comes suddenly and forces you to reckon with it, affection grows stronger every year.

Photo by Dmitriy Ganin: Pexels

• Love pushes you to great deeds.

When you love a person, you rejoice at all his victories as if they were your own, and his failures and problems feel almost like physical pain. For the sake of your loved one, you can do anything and risk your life. Sometimes neither morality nor the law stops people. But a person for whom you feel only affection will not arouse such feelings in you.

Love and the desire to be loved is the driving force in all interpersonal relationships. This is a psychological need, underlying survival, that affects reproduction. Existence without love is joyless.

Love does not exist, there is only attachment. Love is not what it seems

Some people dream of love, which will bring a storm of emotions and physical pleasures into their lives, while others expect warmth, care and tenderness.

The idea of ​​what love should be is put into our heads as early as childhood. We see how dad gives mom flowers with or without reason. We read romantic books about pure, eternal love. Our relatives are getting married and looking very happy. Thus, this feeling is idealized. On the one hand, this is good; the concept of family values ​​is embedded in people’s minds. But it happens that without getting what they want, people become severely disappointed and become depressed and stop believing in love forever.

In fact, love is work, physical and emotional. Partners must put in equal effort to build a truly strong relationship. You need to learn to listen to each other, empathize with failures and rejoice in the victories of your chosen one, be able to remain silent together, and when necessary, shout. You need to learn to accept your loved ones as they are, be able to support them in difficult moments and forgive their weaknesses.

Sometimes it is difficult for us to understand our own feelings and emotions. It seems that here he is, the person with whom you want to live your whole life, with whom you want to fall asleep and wake up. But something gets in the way, for some reason constant quarrels and misunderstandings arise. Maybe we simply cannot distinguish love from human affection, wishful thinking.

Conclusions TheDifference.ru

1. Attachment is based on external attraction; for love, what is important first of all is spiritual kinship.
2. Attachment either fades or flares up, love is a more even, strong, deep and constant feeling.
3. Attachment spoils the life of both one and the other partner, love gives strength and freedom to the lover and the beloved. Love makes a person better, more perfect.
4. Attachment is based on self-centeredness and selfishness, love is completely devoid of self-centeredness.
5. Attachment makes us expect our partner to meet our desires and requirements, but love expects nothing. A loving person gives without demanding anything in return.