Every person is looking for love in their life. Love fills our lives with special colors, emotions and feelings. As soon as we enter into a relationship with someone, we begin to experience some feelings for him, we begin to think that we love this person. These relationships can often cause us pain, suffering, and we begin to think that love is impossible without torment, melancholy, which almost degenerates into illness if the loved one is not around for a while.
True, this is no longer love, but addiction.
Is it so? Let's look at an example. Dependence on someone is constant attention and concentration of all thoughts and desires on one person. If this person does not devote enough time to us, or leaves somewhere, or even leaves our lives for another relationship, feelings and sensations arise that are very similar to illness. A person begins to feel absolutely unhappy when he is alone. Because it was with these relationships that he pinned his hope for happiness and hoped that it was his beloved who would “cure” his insecurities, complexes, and add value to his personality. After all, if he is loved, that means he is a valuable person, that means he can be loved. At first, there is euphoria in such relationships. Later, conflicts, misunderstandings, dissatisfaction with oneself and the object of “love” begin. Without noticing this, as well as the fact that he begins to “put pressure” on his lover, demand more attention to himself, be jealous - because this is already like a drug, he wants love more and more, the person begins to suffer both from his desires and from the impending conflict. And then from a possible separation.
Why is this happening?
Why does this happen to a specific person, and why does this situation repeat itself?
Very simple. This person is dependent, and the relationship is dependent . Of course, being absolutely independent is difficult, and it is not necessary, because it will resemble narcissism and selfishness: I don’t need anyone, etc. But you need to know when to stop. Your lover or lover is not your property—the fact that you are dating, intimate, or already married—is not entirely your undeniable right to that person. In the same way, he cannot consider you his property. If he thinks so, it’s just his opinion. First of all, a person belongs to himself. Then he decides for himself where and with whom to live, how much time to spend, and if he decides to end the relationship, then it will be his right. Unfortunately, in life we most often see other extremes - when a person leaves the life of one person and tries to start building new relationships, the one they left is in a state of stress for a very long time. He cannot understand why and why he was “abandoned”, what is wrong with him.
Most likely, everything is like this: he simply loved too much, did not know limits, did not love himself, dissolved in his partner, did not give him a pass, was jealous, checked, did not trust, idolized him and blew the feathers off him - that is, he was completely immersed in a dependent relationship. ...And his partner just up and left. There is no one 100% to blame here. As we described above, one loved very much, and the second simply could not stand such love or he wanted something else, therefore his departure has nothing to do with the person from whom he left. And so we get situations when the wife cooks, cleans, washes, does everything for her husband, and he leaves or beats her, and she endures everything, calling it all love... Although in these relationships there is not much love - these are real dependents relationship. There are also situations where a wife does not value her husband, although he does everything for her.…
But how such a dependent relationship will end is unknown. Either the one who is loved will “exploit” the love of the person dependent on him all his life, or when the “dependent” realizes that he is not valued, learns to love himself and changes his attitude towards himself, then he himself leaves this dependent relationship. And then the one who previously did not notice his love, but simply used him, begins to make a lot of efforts - enticement, threats, pleas for him to return. The essence of all dependent relationships comes down to the fact that a dependent person feels inferior when someone is not around, he simply vitally needs to fill himself and his life with someone else. And therefore he tolerates any attitude towards himself, so long as his “beloved” does not disappear. In such dependent relationships, love is a way to compensate for one's own insufficiency.
Addicted people say:
- I don't live when he's not with me.
- I don't live when I don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend. I feel bad.
- I'll do anything for you. Just be with me.
But the task of filling yourself and your life ultimately remains impossible, because one can feel one’s fullness only by developing oneself, being able to be in harmony with oneself, enjoying solitude, and developing one’s relationship with God. And this “beloved” becomes simply an idol and God for the dependent person. Therefore, in such dependent relationships, the dependent does not live his own life, but lives only “the life of his loved one.” The personal space of one person is completely absorbed by the space of another. There is simply no room left for your own development. In dependent relationships there is very little real intimacy, although the relationship can be emotionally oversaturated, which is mistaken for love. “Beating means he loves, jealous means he loves.”
How dependent relationships develop
- Refusal of one's own territory and dissolution in the partner's territory. Such a dependent lives only in the interests of his “half,” and his whole life is aimed at satisfying the interests and desires of his “loved one.” For example, a wife gives up her career and takes care of her husband’s affairs, literally “looking” into her mouth in anticipation of new wishes. The “beloved” person is given full responsibility for the life of the addict. He begins to play the role of a parent.
- Absorption of the psychological territory and space of a loved one, depriving him of all independence and sovereignty. In this case, the role of parent-educator is played by the person seeking love. He directs and controls his partner as if he were his child. Of course, he does this “for the good” because she knows what is best for the other. The only question is how does he know? He takes responsibility for the life of his loved one without asking.
- Possession and complete destruction of the psychological territory of one's partner whom this person "loves". Here, complete power prevails over the partner, who is already seen as a free application or thing. Such power over a partner makes you feel very significant and important. Responsibility for the life of a partner is only spoken about out loud; in fact, the partner is only used. Power over a partner, control over him, and the ability to manage feelings and actions are developed.
- Self-reflection in the “beloved” person. In this case, a convenient partner is chosen who will show day and night that the one who loves him is simply an extraordinary person. This partner should admire him, satisfy all his desires, idolize him. This partner must literally prove that this person is better than everyone else and deserves the best love. If this partner ceases to serve as a “mirror”, a replacement is immediately found for him in the form of another partner.
Irina's story
Irina invested time, energy and money into self-development courses. Kriya yoga, prakshalana, thetahilling and other practices were the meaning of life for her. She absorbed knowledge like air.
One day Irina read somewhere: «
The main task of a person is to learn to consciously feel himself in order to understand how the Matrix of life works.
To do this, you need to free yourself from dependencies and bindings. This will be followed by understanding your uniqueness and fulfilling your mission on this planet .”
These words seemed to tickle her from the inside and further fueled her interest in the unknown.
Irina trained as a psychologist, coach, and psychic. She has become a recognized expert in her niche. But more and more often it began to seem to her that she was lost and running from herself.
Causes of emotional dependence
As a rule, the reasons can be found in the childhood of the addict.
When a person is born, he is in a close relationship and a relationship of dependence with his mother. The bond between mother and child is so strong that they do not feel separate from each other. This is what guarantees the child care, protection and trust. This continues until 9 months from the day of his birth, until he begins to crawl and then stand on his feet. Children who fully experience the stage of emotional dependence between mother and child and receive a sufficient amount of love, are not afraid to explore the world, easily get along with people, and love to learn everything.
If this stage was not fully lived by the child, for example, the mother was distant from the child because she wanted a girl, but a boy was born, or there was some kind of tense situation in the family, then the child does not receive a sense of security. Such children, growing up, may be afraid of the world, other people, and changes. They approach people cautiously and behave shyly, which makes it difficult for them to explore the world around them. Such children are still attached to their parents. Lack of love, care and attention makes them glued, attached to their parents and very vulnerable. In the future, they transfer this dependence to other people.
The more complete the connection between parents and child - father and mother with their child - from the very first minutes of his birth, the easier it is later for the child to separate from his parents in life. And this is inevitable. This is the only way the process of developing a full-fledged personality can occur. And this will be the next stage of the child’s development.
During the next stage, which peaks when the child is 18-36 months old, the main thing that needs to happen is separation. At this moment, the child becomes strongly motivated to explore the whole world on his own and to separate himself. It is at this stage that the child needs to say the word “yes” twice as often as “no.” And the environment around him must be safe and accessible for his research. The parent should be physically and emotionally present at this time, but not interfere with the child's exploration of the world. The child needs to feel that he is valuable and important to his parents, that he can do something on his own. It is also important for the child to feel that if the parent is not around, then everyone loves him and that the parent will definitely return. This stage of separation is necessary so that in adulthood this child feels like a full-fledged person, is active and responsible, respects himself and others, and is able to make emotional contact.
If the separation stage passed somehow differently, then the child remains in a dependent relationship with his parents (most often his mother). In this case, he experiences anxiety, and the world is scary and dangerous for him, and his desire to explore this world is reduced. It will be difficult for him to build warm relationships with the people around him, since his inner world can be filled with mistrust and various fears. As an adult, he will often think that something is wrong with him. He will not feel like a full-fledged and separate person, capable of taking care of himself and being responsible for himself. The relationships he will also enter into will be dependent. They will be more forced, dictated by fear of life.
The child's development does not end at this stage; other developmental stages follow during which early emotional damage can be healed. But if this healing does not occur, then the adult will enter into dependent relationships with the people around him. If a person’s need for love was not satisfied in childhood, then psychological separation from parents did not occur.
Signs of non-separation are negative relationships with parents, distant relationships, or being overly dependent. Such a person in adulthood will simply “stick” to relationships with other people. The main characteristics of such a person are: self-doubt, fear of life, feelings of inferiority, and anxiety. The search for love then becomes not only an obsessive need, but also a direct condition for his survival.
The instability and anxiety that will be constant companions of this person due to the internal conflict between his need for love and his feeling that he is unworthy of this love will make his desire for the love of another person and the filling of his Self with this person his main purpose of existence.
Secrets of healthy parenting
The main secret of proper upbringing is love. But there are other needs of the child that need to be fulfilled.
Fatherly education is very important, especially for girls aged 5 years. If it was, then the woman feels confident, it will be easy for her to build a relationship.
But if not, then everything turns out quite the opposite. And then a woman will be able to build a relationship only through long and painstaking work on herself, and most often with a specialist.
Therefore, it is important to take care of the baby’s psychological health from birth. After all, he should grow into a healthy, full-fledged person.
Author: Sergey Tumanov
Love or addiction: what are the differences?
To establish a deep emotional connection with a loved one, you first need to gain your own psychological autonomy. In these relationships there is joy, freedom, cooperation, trust and, of course, love . In such relationships there is respect for one’s own and others’ boundaries, needs and interests. This is the mature love of adults (here we mean maturity, not passport age).
In such a relationship, the partner says:
“I will do everything in my power to help you open up and realize yourself and your potential, and I will calmly accept if this sometimes requires you to be away from me. I will also remember that I myself must develop in order to be an interesting person for myself, and accordingly you can respect me.”
In such relationships there is always room for self-realization, achieving one’s own goals, and there is also room for God. True love is not possessive love, when on the contrary, in a dependent relationship, the partner perceives the partner as a given and property for life.
True love brings a feeling of satisfaction and a sense of harmony in life. There is no hostility, jealousy, anger, or mutual claims against each other; people are proud of each other’s successes and help each other. In dependent relationships, everything is exactly the opposite.
Also, true mature love says the following: “I can live without you, but I love you and therefore I really want to be near you.” In dependent relationships, people merge with each other, they are jealous, possessive, and they cannot live without each other. Therefore, their connection is forced, although they will deny it.
In true love, each partner has the ability to give, without demanding anything in return. In dependent relationships, this is only declared; if someone does not receive anything in return, he immediately begins to take offense at the person to whom he gave something, feels betrayed and deceived.
Also, in mature love, a person evaluates his partner realistically and accepts him for who he is. In a dependent relationship, the partners are dissatisfied with each other, trying to change or re-educate each other.
Personal responsibility is also an integral part of true mature love, but in dependent relationships there are extremes: either shifting responsibility to the partner, or hyper-responsibility.
A mature person understands. That nothing is eternal, and therefore clearly realizes that relationships can either continue or end at any moment, but he will be grateful to both life and his partner for the fact that they existed.
From all that has been said, it follows that true love is the relationships and feelings of mature, adult and independent people. In addition, every person, regardless of his childhood, by working on himself, can overcome his tendency to dependent relationships and learn to truly love.
Signs of an addicted person
In conclusion, we would like to remind you of the signs of an addicted person:
- 1. An addicted person stops communicating with people of the opposite sex, unless work and friendship oblige him to do so. Such a person also stops flirting with people of the opposite sex if he already has a regular partner
- 2. A dependent person worries about his every action, especially if his partner might not like it.
- 3. A dependent person demands too much and too much attention, which can irritate his partner.
- 4. If a partner lingers somewhere, the addict greets him with scandals and suspicions
- 5. An addict very often gets offended by little things that exist in any relationship. They seem like a big problem to him.
- 6. A dependent person is very afraid of being abandoned and rejected, and is also worried that someone will encroach on his “property” - his partner.
- 7. In the eyes of his friends, an addict always justifies his partner’s actions and takes the blame upon himself.
- 8. A dependent person most often considers his partner better than himself.
- 9. Such a person expects from his partner what he can never give him.
- 10. Thinks about her partner many times a day.
- 11. The first place for an addicted person is to satisfy the interests and needs of his partner
- 12. Life seems an unbearable burden for the addict; it ceases to seem easy and free to him.
We wish everyone a good day! Love and take care of each other, not forgetting the uniqueness of each person, both his and your freedom!
Consequences
Dependent relationships ruin the lives of both partners. After all, apart from your partner, you are not interested in anything else, only he is important. All other interests and concerns fade into the background.
Photo: Pixabay
With such “love” people lose themselves and reject their personality. A person begins to look at the world through the eyes of a lover and at himself too.
Your opinion is simply erased. I keep thinking about whether my partner will approve of this.
