Each person depends on relationships with others: in the family, at work, in society, reality dictates to us certain rules of behavior and submission to general norms. Toxic relationships are communication contrary to one’s own interests based on pathological dependence and illusory ideas about the future.
They are especially long-lasting and durable because they are built on sacrifice and self-denial. The dependent person wants continuation and “compensation” for what he suffered and endured for so long. And the manipulator is capable of endlessly deceiving that soon everything will change, it will become better, he sees and appreciates the merits and virtues of the victim.
The most common types of toxic relationships:
- related – parents and children, various family members;
- personal – with friends or other loved ones;
- official - colleagues, management and subordinates.
The relationship between spouses or cohabitants deserves special attention. Over time, a critical mass of patience and forgiveness accumulates, but a married couple has common housing and other property, and its life is supported by the opinion of friends or relatives. Therefore, it is much more difficult for them to recognize the pathological, toxic nature of the relationship, and even more so to stop mutual persecution.
Our psyche has a large margin of safety; it hides a lot of unfulfilled feelings and desires. Socio-cultural cliches through books and films show that people constantly experience passionate relationships and are insanely jealous, but in ordinary life there are much fewer reasons for violent manifestations of feelings.
Anomalous attraction, contrary to common sense, gives a feeling of being chosen and participating in a dramatic plot. Dependent people perceive toxic attachment as a source of intense emotional, moral and ethical experiences. It seems to them that constant tension and stress are signs of a high relationship and true passion.
But if you remove aggression and provocations, then there will be almost no common interests left. If, after numerous betrayals or attempts to break off the relationship, the manipulator returns, then the victim is sure that it is because they have “eternal love.” In fact, it’s just more familiar and convenient, especially since the victim will always find excuses for his tormentor.
Another mistake in perceiving and assessing toxic relationships: comparison with total loneliness or a more complex, terrible state. Loneliness is not a death sentence, but an opportunity to change your life and accumulate energy. And to compare it with an abnormal, borderline mental state is fundamentally wrong. You should focus on the “clinical norm”, on dynamic, stable relationships that lead to a common result.
Signs of a Toxic Relationship
The main sign of a toxic relationship is a long-term conflict in an open or closed form, and, as a result, stress and psychological trauma. In addition, they lead to destructive results at the individual and family levels.
- Unmotivated behavior, mood swings. As they say, nothing was foreshadowed, and suddenly the manipulator has an attack of attention and care or, conversely, anger and jealousy. It is impossible to guess and predict his condition; he constantly harasses the victim with hints, promises, and threats.
- Constant manipulation instead of confidential dialogue. These are persuasion, threats, aggression, condemnation, alienation, distraction in order to break the victim’s resistance and change his perception. Constant provocations and checks, reasons for jealousy, comparison with other people are not in favor of the dependent person.
- Lack of plans and prospects, joint interests. All efforts go into “keeping the fire going” and preserving the relationship. Joint actions are subordinate to the tasks of the manipulator; he determines the order of life, distributes money and other resources, and the general mood depends on him.
- Emotional "undressing". The manipulator is able to inspire unconditional trust, a desire to share hidden thoughts, and then unexpectedly attack the victim. First, he starts frank conversations, shares his problems, and then uses the personal information he receives from you for his own purposes.
- Shocking actions. The manipulator constantly “tests the waters”, determines the boundaries of what is permitted, and therefore commits aggressive, offensive, provocative actions. In this way he fulfills his role and enjoys the implementation of his own script.
The result of such a relationship is that the victim feels useless, used, but does not see any other purpose, because she has already spent so much moral effort. It seems to her that a little more, and she will receive the well-deserved approval and encouragement. The imposed feeling of guilt forces you to “correct” your behavior again and again, look for new ways of communication, and diversify your life with a violent manifestation of feelings.
Why do people become toxic?
People who repeatedly hurt their partner (intentionally or not) often have a reason for their behavior, even if it is subconscious. Sometimes a person is a manipulator. These people may have been in a toxic relationship, romantic or childhood. Maybe they didn't have a supportive and loving upbringing. They might have been bullied at school. They may be suffering from an undiagnosed mental health disorder such as depression, anxiety or bipolar disorder, an eating disorder, or any form of trauma. Sometimes a toxic relationship is simply the result of an imperfect couple. For example, two people who need control, or a sarcastic type dating a person of fine mental organization.
A person can also be an abuser. Abuse is a demonstration of violence. It doesn't matter if it's psychological or physical. Abuse translated from English means “insult”, “abuse”, “cruel treatment”.
Types of Toxic People
The typology of toxic people is built in accordance with their method of communication and emphasis in behavior.
- Judge - “You’re doing everything wrong: you’re thinking, walking, cooking, and even breathing. I'm trying to correct you, but you don't listen. That’s why I can criticize you, humiliate you, scold you.”
- The overseer-manipulator does not even hide his intentions and is not interested in the opinions and feelings of the victim. Any conversations and clarifications lead to the conclusion that he is “forced” to be around contrary to his plans and desires.
- A lawyer unceremoniously interferes in all areas of life under the guise of extreme necessity; suddenly an earthquake happens, and you’ve been planning for a long time. Total control and regulation even in small everyday situations. Punishment for all “violations” and misdeeds.
- A romantic is a ruthless tempter and owner who will betray at any moment, and then declare that the victim herself is to blame, “forced” him with her attitude. Impulsive, unpredictable, but always reacts in time if the dependent person is tired and is about to end the conversation.
- The highest mind - considers itself a celestial being, competent in all areas of life, does not tolerate any wrangling. He tries not to finish speaking, leaving important points for later in order to escalate the situation and watch the victim’s painful wait.
In any case, you must understand that you have passed the thorny path of trials and are ready for a renewed life, filled with joyful desire.
How to recognize an abuser?
Ignoring personal boundaries. For him they simply do not exist. And if you closed the door while you were talking on the phone or set a password on your laptop, the abuser’s darkest suspicions awaken.
He doesn’t give you the opportunity to be alone, he constantly violates internal boundaries, tries to enter your space and take over it.
He will hide behind the slogans that “relationships must be honest and transparent” and demand from you:
- Report your movements.
- Don't have any secrets from him. A man can easily look through messages on his phone or your correspondence on social networks - and does not see anything wrong with this.
- Let him control you and your life.
- Spend maximum time with him. And soon the abuser will displace all your friends and acquaintances from your environment and become the center of your Universe.
Denial . He denies your requests, feelings and desires. Even if you challenge him for a frank conversation, the man will listen for a while and then go on the attack: “Stop whining and eating my brains out. I don't understand what doesn't suit you. Do you want it to be bad”? You're not ready for a cold war, so you just stop trying to reach him.
He is at war with the world, with himself and with you - this is his natural life scenario. Living with such a man is very difficult.
Relationships don't bring you joy. The partner resorts to emotional (and sometimes physical) violence. He makes you feel not like a loved woman, but like some kind of inferior appendage.
- He mocks and humiliates.
- Kills your self-esteem.
- Understates your importance.
- Devalues your achievements.
- Manipulates your weaknesses.
A woman’s maternal nature forces her to look for excuses for the abuser’s actions.
- He didn’t let me and my friend go to the cinema. The session ends late, he will worry about me.
- Accessed the computer without permission. So what? Loving people should not have secrets.
- He can be rude and does not always listen to my opinion. But he is a strong man. I am behind him like behind a stone wall and so on.
How to Deal with Toxic People
Your behavioral model should be determined by your desires and requests, your interests and needs. No one but you will walk your path, will carry your destiny. You have a responsibility to take care of yourself and your psychological well-being in fulfillment of God's design and higher purpose.
Toxic people literally drain all mental, moral and ethical resources from the victim so that she has no time left for introspection. Even if those around them try to show the results and consequences of these relationships, the dependent person will spend his last strength trying to protect his relationship, the tormentor, the fragile balance and hide the real extent of the catastrophe.
The addict can use only one chance - to agree with the manipulator to comply with mutual rules of communication that are comfortable and acceptable for both participants. If he really understands and agrees, you can continue further, but as soon as he violates the conditions, you can no longer hope for his adequacy.
Many couples are in such a discrete mode of “violation - punishment - divorce”, which is repeated many times. All this can be expressed in words from Spiritual Economics: “There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives it away, because fear is associated with punishment, and whoever fears has not yet achieved perfection in love” (NRT, John 4:17-19 ).
Sign No. 1. The “victim and tyrant” scheme
First, let's figure out who is who. With the concept of “victim” everything is more or less clear. She can't even imagine that the relationship could end. As for the abuser, this is a person who mentally abuses his partner. Having learned about the weak point, he begins to constantly wound. The goal is to make the other person feel absolutely insignificant. Often this is done publicly in order to cause more harm. The consequence of this behavior is that the victim becomes even more dependent on the abuser.
Article on the topic Iphigenia Syndrome. Should a woman sacrifice herself? On the other hand, a stronger partner can also portray the victim in order to manipulate another person. In such relationships there is a lot of jealousy, explosive emotions, and mutual resentment. Someone constantly leaves and returns. Someone suggests that he cannot live without you.
How to end a toxic relationship
There is only one way to change dependent relationships - stop communicating with their carrier. It is impossible to achieve dramatic improvements within a toxic couple, because the tendency to dominate and manipulate is a complex of psychophysiological factors that are difficult to correct.
Of course, breaking up a relationship is very painful. But this is a conscious choice with clear, clear goals - to regain your dignity and open manner of communication, freedom of expression and a feeling of causeless happiness. You will be able to change, do any business, without thinking about the consequences and constant excuses for your “shortcomings”.
Sign #3: Your problems remain your problems.
In a toxic relationship there is no dialogue. As soon as one of the partners tries to talk about emotionally significant topics, the other simply transfers the conversation or answers formally and closes down again. It turns out to be a circle of emotional persecution. The more anxious partner is constantly trying to establish contact, while the avoidant one is constantly moving away.
Just a moment! How to speak to be heard Read more
How to recover from a toxic relationship
Dependent relationships poison life so much that after them a long period of psychological adaptation is required, because they were the foundation, a kind of value system. There is no need to reproach yourself for long-term patience or deny the obvious negative consequences.
It is better to conduct an internal audit and make a list of two parts: “Great moments” with this person and “Useful conclusions” based on conflict, stressful situations. Online courses of Spiritual Economics with such cases as “Self-Love”, “Self-Realization”, “Spiritual Development” help to stabilize the state. They are capable of reducing the recovery distance many times over.
Give yourself time
Your subconscious will inevitably draw the right conclusions from what is happening, and you will feel a new impulse, a surge of energy for new achievements.
Don’t try to forget - immediately switch over, do socially useful activities and sports exercises. Don't demand the impossible from yourself. Bask in this feeling of loss and regret. Still, this is a significant part of your life, it is a unique experience. Open your heart, share your pain with others. Keep a “Diary of Suffering” and communicate on thematic forums.
Forgive yourself
In Spiritual Economics there is this passage: “Thus says the Lord: if a man falls, does he not try to rise? If he goes astray, won’t he turn back?” (RBO, Jer. 8:4). It's not your fault, but your responsibility. You believed the other person and tried to create a strong relationship.
Now you must take care of yourself and bring prosperity back to your soul. Your mission is not to suffer and repent, but to find grace in the midst of a beautiful, flourishing life.
Accept the consequences
You have had intense, extreme feelings and relationships. You cannot change the consequences even if you think about it around the clock. It is enough to draw conclusions on how to correctly identify and interrupt toxic relationships. It is not for nothing that Spiritual Economics says: “Do not be friends with someone who is angry, and do not associate with someone who is irritable, lest you learn his ways and fall into a trap” (NRT, Proverbs 22:24-25). In other words, you need to stop associating with those who have a toxic influence on you.
Only sincere communication and righteous deeds will help revive a tormented soul and find the source of inner radiance.
Define your own boundaries
Learn to “close the door.” No one - neither friends, nor parents, nor relatives, nor management - has the right to enter your personal space without an invitation. You are free within yourself. You are free to communicate with others, but you are sovereign and independent, you do not have to adapt, justify or report. You choose and are responsible for the choices you make.
The miracle of love is revealed to those who are ready to learn the simple truth and open their hearts to a righteous life: “Love is patient, kind, it does not envy and does not boast, it is not proud, it cannot be rude, it does not seek benefit for itself, it is not quick-tempered and does not remember evil. Love does not rejoice in untruth, but rejoices in the truth. She covers everything, believes everything, always hopes, endures everything. Love will never cease to exist” (NRT, 1 Cor. 13:4-8).
Unhealthy relationship or relationship in crisis?
It’s worth remembering: relationships are never “vanilla” from the moment of wedding to the grave. The family is a living structure, it develops and changes. Moments when relationships reach a new level are usually called crises.
Living in a crisis is very difficult. The family is undergoing changes to which all participants must adapt. These can be normative crises, that is, those that simply have to happen. For example, the end of the candy-bouquet period. Or abnormal crises occur: a serious illness of one of the spouses.
A crisis is a peak state when the old way is no longer possible, but the new way is still not possible. The crisis passes sooner or later.
Now about unhealthy relationships. Unhealthy relationships go on and on and on. Year after year. Everyone feels bad about them, but no one changes anything.
Dependent relationships and the Karpman triangle
This is a relationship model in which in dependent relationships partners choose one of three roles - victim, aggressor or rescuer. There are many questions about the “Karpman triangle”. Even Stephen Karpman himself (psychotherapist, developed the ideas of transactional analysis. - Forbes Woman
) literally two or three years ago, when asked directly, said that his triangle should not be used in relation to victims of domestic violence.
In relationships, we stand on two legs - independence and affection. You won’t be able to stand on one leg for a long time and you won’t be able to “dance” with a partner. In order not to dissolve in relationships, we need to feel ourselves. On the other hand, we need a sense of “we”, connection, affection, a sense of shoulder, reliability, a common future. This is not established once and for all in the registry office - this can only be achieved through dialogue.
Dependent relationships, like the term “boundaries,” by the way, are all unscientific psychology. This is such pop psychological slang. Marital psychology would call dependent relationships fused, where people strongly dissolve their “I” in their partner. Outwardly, these couples do not necessarily look like they are suffering. Very often, close relationships look like those glorified in popular culture: partners are together all the time, holding hands all the time, one cannot live without the other, finishing each other’s sentences. It becomes bad where one of the partners suddenly jumped out of this bunch.
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Both women and men can engage in rescue work. The male rescue epic is “flying in, fighting off the dragon,” and then you sit on the sofa. Relationships that begin with rescue are always at risk, because when routine life sets in and there is no one to save, it often turns out that the next dragon is yourself. The female rescue epic is built on non-agency, on the fact that the “right woman” is the one who put her life on her family, spouse, and children.
Saving someone in itself is not bad; rescue does not need to be pathologized. But help must be active. If the one you are saving does something himself, and you help him, then this is a good story. But if you understand that he won’t change, then you get stuck in this triangle and start running in circles, when yesterday your husband beat you drunk, and today you offer him a glass so that he doesn’t have a headache.
There is no need to save a person who does not try to cope with his demons himself. Because when he doesn’t succeed, you will be to blame again.
Material on the topic
Am I sure I'm good enough for you?
On the one hand, such relationships do not seem toxic. The partner is just not confident in himself. But it's exhausting! Every day, assuring a woman that she is beautiful, not fat, and smart is not an easy task.
The partner will every time belittle his strengths and inflate his shortcomings in order to achieve praise. It's like dressing a cow in a wedding dress. It looks nice, but the butt still shows. You will never be able to prove that you chose this woman because she is worthy of you.
In general, every woman is insecure about her qualities. It’s normal for them to periodically ask such stupid questions and run into compliments. Especially when a man is greedy for beautiful words for his woman. But everything has limits.
Of course, there are also men like that. They need to constantly hear that they are the strongest, the bravest and that these jeans emphasize their elastic butt. But this is not about masculinity at all, if you know what I mean.
Should I stay with this man or look for another?
In order to consciously decide whether to stay with this man or not, you need to:
- Understand yourself, understand what is most important for you, what you are looking for in a man, what you see as your ideal mate. Then evaluate whether the man meets these criteria. There is no need to deceive yourself: the ideal does not exist, every person is imperfect and the most suitable man will always have qualities that do not suit you. It is necessary that you and your chosen one agree on the most important thing , without which you cannot imagine your relationship;
- After analyzing the coincidence of the desired and actually present qualities in the chosen one, delve deeper into the relationship and look as closely as possible at all their manifestations. You may think that everything is fine. At this stage, it happens that we miss warning signs and try not to notice words or actions that we actually don’t like or simply don’t coincide with our vision of an optimal relationship.
Imagine this situation. You have had serious financial problems, saving and spending money correctly is very important to you, otherwise you feel insecure and feel a lot of stress.
If you choose a partner who doesn't attach such importance to money, earns a hundred and spends a thousand, and doesn't suffer from debt, most likely over time this will turn into a serious problem for you.
If one person likes cinema and another likes theater, it’s okay. But if you don't have a common point of view on important issues like children's education or living standards, it will divide you and make you feel worse and worse.
Therefore, the sooner it becomes clear on what issues you disagree and how fundamental they are, the more controllable the situation will be, the simpler and more comfortable your existence will become.
Sign No. 7. Who is stronger and better?
Relationships between so-called “equal” partners are also dangerous, in which people constantly compete: who is stronger, who is better, who is more important. Constantly proving one's own rightness. The partners do not think about the common cause, about dialogue, everyone tries to defend and prove their position. This often happens to those people who, in childhood and adolescence, had to live up to parental expectations. Excellent students are also at risk: they have learned over the years of study that they must do everything perfectly, and require close people to confirm their ideality. In the presence of friends, they begin to attract attention in order to receive admiration or praise, but this causes injury to the other partner.
When you just need to talk: avoidance, high expectations, loneliness
People often call relationships toxic when they assume that their partner should behave the way they want. When one partner does not separate his own picture of the world from the picture of the other. When he believes that with some specific word he can convince his partner of the correctness of his views, and if he is not convinced, then he is toxic.
Sometimes one partner ignores the other's requests because they are afraid of open conflict. Many people develop this strategy in adolescence: when mom reads a long lecture, you need to pretend that you are listening attentively so that they will leave you alone. Because if you argue, you will get a three times longer and louder quarrel with consequences in the form of silence, punishment the next day, and so on. For men, this is added to by the fact that they are taught from childhood that they should not show their emotions. When this manifests itself in an adult relationship, the second partner seems to wash his hands of it, labeling the first one as toxic. Two people fit together like a puzzle: one does not see how he presses, the other does not see how he avoids.
There's a harmful stereotype about romantic love that says you'll meet someone who is completely focused on you. When the romantic period passes - which is normal in any relationship - and the person in love with you returns to their usual interests, it can be painful and hurtful. If you put the offense aside, it turns out that behind it there is someone vulnerable and small who dreams of being “held in their arms” and loved in any form. It’s scary to admit “I feel bad and hurt because I depend on you emotionally” - they might hit the patient. Therefore, we begin to hide behind resentment, anger, irritation. But it simply doesn’t happen that a partner satisfies all our needs. In addition, we are changing, there are dynamics in relationships, new challenges and needs arise. Flexibility and communication are very important here.
Material on the topic
Treason is a multifaceted construct; it is a whole cluster of situations. Many infidelities are committed because the person did not want to harm his partner, but felt so lonely that he grabbed onto someone else. There are demonstrative betrayals that are committed to attract the attention of a partner: “Look, they’re going to take me away now. Look, they’re still interested in me.” And if the partner reacts indifferently, this is again a communication problem. One did not convey that he lacked attention, the other did not hear.
But it can also be toxic behavior. When a partner cheats openly, on purpose, knowing that he is hurting, enjoying his power. When a man does not hide his mistresses from his wife, he does not hesitate to bring sexually transmitted diseases - demonstratively, brazenly. Knowing that she has nowhere to go, that she is busy with children and is financially dependent. Sometimes she also says: “What did you want, I’m a man” - and accuses the woman of getting older and getting fat. This kind of thing is absolutely toxic.
Sign #4: No plans
You don't see a future for this relationship! The situation of uncertainty of one of the partners is absolutely satisfactory, the second lives with expectations and faith that someday something will change, but this does not happen. A person gets used to the waiting mode, and gradually his self-confidence evaporates. There is nothing in the future, and you desperately cling to the past. You have invested so much in this relationship that you can’t even imagine that you can build anything else. And the partner does not make any promises and does not make plans.
