"Enough tolerating this!" or How to overcome your partner’s aggression?

Our grandmothers also used to say that a woman has an outlet - her family, and a man will either get drunk or go off to the side.

This is the basis for the differences between male and female psychology, determined not by upbringing and social attitudes, but rather by physiology and biochemistry.

No one has canceled the peculiarities of the formation of the male body; no one will argue that the male and female psyches function differently.

But what has changed is the way psychic reactions manifest themselves in this world. A little later we will publish an article that quite clearly tells how the modern mentality was formed and the role of men in modern society was weakened.

This article is devoted to the behavior of men, since in relation to women the situation looks simpler: female aggression

visible and guided by simpler methods. It's more difficult with men.

Gender stereotypes paint the image of a confident, strong man who is ready to take action. In practice, we often see a completely different picture. We observe male passivity and suppressed aggression

, normal
living aggression
, which should be sublimated into actions, strength and self-confidence. What is happening in reality?

Parenting defects and suppressed aggression

We have already written about the Karpman triangle, a model of flawed relationships that nurtures a pathological personality and endows it with a baggage of completely unnecessary, and, more accurately, harmful and socially dangerous habits. A feminized man stops being responsible for his actions and suppresses his own masculinity in basic life situations.

Modern psychologists believe that passive aggression, that is, aggression disguised as specific behavioral traits (which we will indicate below), is the No. 1 problem of modern men.

What is passive aggression?

How can such energy suddenly turn out to be passive? Passivity is understood as the reverse side of any energy: a counterforce, which is designed to cause a reciprocal flow of energy from the outside. So the stone resists the water, and the water creates strong pressure and bursts into splashes and waterfalls. Male passivity can be compared to similar behavior, although this type of behavior is characteristic of women. The change in roles causes overly violent responses from women. That is why modern society is divided into infantile ones. Weak-willed, cowardly men, selfless, aggressive, irritated and hysterical women who try to fight with men in the same way that men try to suppress and break, and sometimes destroy (morally and even physically) women through atypical behavior.

Such a man never displays an open challenge to circumstances. This happens for many reasons, which we will only look at superficially in this article. This is partly due to upbringing in families where women, by default, are raised to be controllers and self-sacrificing (see the article “Why the wives of alcoholics don’t get divorced”).

The main problem of a man with complexes is that he considers relationships a struggle for power and tries with all his might to retain this power, suppressing, humiliating a woman as a Woman, destroying the sprouts of her tenderness, tolerance, acceptance (for it is very difficult to accept the fact of humiliating oneself as an individual).

And if a woman does not know how to defend herself and does not recognize the hidden motivation behind a man’s behavior, she is simply lost.

In a relationship, a man can manifest himself in the following way.

Creates foggy, uncertain circumstances

In this way, a man deprives a woman of a basic need - the need for confidence in the future. Let us note that this behavior is extremely typical for drug addicts and alcoholics, who do not care at all about what happens next or how other people react to his behavior.

Lies and dodges

We wrote about this behavior in more detail in this article. Separately, we emphasize that lying is often a characteristic trait of a person, and not a specifically dependent person. That is, drug addiction and alcoholism will only worsen such character traits, but will not disappear on their own when getting rid of addiction. And if a drug addict or alcoholic lies by default, which is dictated by stereotypical behavior, then a person who lies because of attempts to manipulate the world lies organically for his psyche. In this way, he creates situations that are obviously convenient for himself, unfolds events so that he can get off with minimal responsibility and at the same time get the maximum of what he wants. In short: “So that I have everything and I don’t have to pay anything for it.” This is the psychology of a typical consumer. And here the immature egoism of the teenager can also be traced.

Ignores the needs and expectations of others

For the hidden aggressor, expectations for other people are a source of all-consuming power. He knows very well that he promised something to someone, he must, that he has responsibilities. And he knows that others will not be able to help but do so if he refuses. In this way he regulates by controlling the circumstances around him. A typical example: the presence of money in the family. The wife cannot help but feed the children, which means whether she wants it or not, she will go and find money. And when he gets angry, he gives a good dose of energy. We will talk about this in more detail in the article about “Household Vampirism”.

Devalues ​​the actions, words and behavior of others

This is a very insidious and destructive move, real tyranny and violence. Destructive words destroy others much more than actions. There is a special category of men who actually fulfill all their duties, but keep their household in fear and submission. This is not a manifestation of male power, as such men think. This is fear and uncertainty that without their powerful influence, those around them will simply stop respecting and obeying. And it is easier to be a lion among mice than a mouse among lions. It’s easier to trample, to lower someone else’s self-esteem, so that God forbid they touch him. Such men are intolerant of criticism, vulnerable, vulnerable and show any attacks in their direction brightly and aggressively. Actually, their behavior: manipulation in order to have a reason to at least sometimes throw out a portion of suppressed aggression outside.

Forgets information and avoids topics

Forgetfulness, meanwhile, is one-sided. That is, such a man “forgets” only what is indifferent or unprofitable for him to remember. And if he is asked directly, he pretends that he does not hear, does not understand, promises to answer, then switches topics and so on. In other words, slippery behavior is like a snake, as the proverb says.

Procrastination

At first, postponing things until later is noted only in those areas where his help is needed by others, and there are many reasons. Then the person, unnoticed by himself, stops caring about his needs. A typical example in families of drug addicts and alcoholics: the addict gradually deteriorates even though he is too lazy to fulfill his physiological needs in the designated place and smells right through with excrement.

Speaks deliberately quietly and indistinctly

Lowering the tone forces the interlocutor to strain, listening, which causes a great drain of energy and irritation, because it is obvious that the man can speak louder, and is not sick or mortally tired. This is a direct attempt to force someone to throw out energy and provoke a scandal.

Deliberately ignores women's emotions

Either he walks away from the conversation, without listening and without reacting to women’s complaints, tears and hysterics, or he rudely, completely boorishly, suppresses a woman’s attempts to show her feelings. The man has neither the desire to console nor the ability to stop the flow of emotion. Let's return again to the comparison with a waterfall and a rock. Only in this case can the rock collapse, tightly blocking the outlet of the water and forcing it to flow backwards. Or it stands as a monolithic burden and an obstacle along the flow and does not allow the water to flow smoothly and calmly.

Refuses to keep his promises

At any moment he can reschedule the meeting, forget about what was promised, change his mind, and so on. Moreover, he does this with deliberate accusations of his opponent and hysterical irritation.

Doesn't finish what he starts and gives up halfway through

In this way, he forces those around him to either finish the task for him or observe the results of abandoned tasks. For example, he brings car parts into the room and for months does not try to sort through them, or take them out of the house, or put the garage in the slightest order or, for example, rent a garage so that the house is clean and comfortable. This is behavior from the category of jokes: “My wife is such a bore! It’s already May, and she keeps asking me to take out the tree.”

Uses illogical arguments based on selfish desires

“I won’t babysit your child because you’ll be doing something interesting during that time.”

“I won’t wash the dishes because you always wear that stupid dress that annoys me.”

“I won’t go to the store for bread, because I can go tomorrow. And what, what did you promise? Nothing will happen. And for dinner I want bread, go and buy it if you really need bread.”

It is noteworthy that the more a person begins to degrade and indulge his weaknesses, the more often his argumentation sometimes resembles schizophasia and complete delirium. This is typical for addicted people, and not just for hidden aggressors.

Treatment

Patients with destructive behavior arising from alcoholism require comprehensive rehabilitation.

Therapeutic course:

• Relief of aggressive behavior with drugs;
• Detoxification;
• Correction of destructive behavior during abstinence;
• Reducing pathological cravings for alcohol;
• Treatment of psychoorganic disorders;
• Correction of water and electrolyte balance;
• Nootropics;
• Vitamin therapy;
• Diet food.

At each stage of rehabilitation, a psychotherapist works with the patient to correct behavioral disorders.

Psychotherapeutic influence:

• Gestalt therapy;
• Role-playing games;
• Family psychotherapy;
• Psychodrama;
• Autogenic training.

Psychotherapeutic correction is carried out at all stages of rehabilitation. In patients with alcohol dependence, regression of the structure of values ​​and the moral and ethical sphere is noted. Aggression leads to destructive changes in the sphere of family relationships. Thus, a “vicious” circle of codependency is started.

Approaches to the correction of aggressive behavior of patients with alcoholism in the process of psychopharmacotherapy and psychotherapy / A. S. Dmitriev, Yu. B. Shevtsova, A. S. Indin - Russian Psychiatric Journal. - No. 6. - 2008. - 54 - 61 p.

Basic goals when drawing up a psychotherapeutic program for people with alcohol dependence and aggressive tendencies:

• Awareness of your individual (personal) characteristics;
• Acceptance and awareness of the problem that has arisen;
• Correction of pathological attitudes and behavioral reactions;
• Help in setting positive goals;
• Resocialization.

Psychocorrection allows you to change stereotypes of aggression and control emotions (safe response). Psychotherapeutic programs help develop a mindset for long-term abstinence from alcoholic beverages.

Why does a man behave this way?

A man comes to this behavior due to a deeply hidden fear of becoming dependent himself, as well as the fear of being uncompetitive. Emotional intimacy, which presupposes the interaction of different sides of the human psyche, for such a man is a step into madness and hell. He is painfully afraid and resists this rapprochement in every possible way.

Such men are aggressive and hostile towards women. They tend to distort gender roles, assessments, and their behavior, and even manipulate facts for the purpose of justifying their flawed opinion about the world order.

Since our society is not accustomed to seeing such behavior as an attack, this role of men has been studied very poorly, but it is very widespread and corrodes society from the inside, like slowly spreading corrosion.

An aggressor man disguises his true needs under the guise of naivety and passivity in actions (everything is decided for him, he himself does not decide anything that destroys his masculine essence). He goes with the flow, is overly generous, and loose-lipped, but he can easily be a gigolo and does not try to provide for himself.

A passive-aggressive man behaves this way because he gives up his basic need the moment his aggression comes out.

For example, at moments when a man needs to be healthy and active and, for example, go and earn 1,000 rubles to buy food for his family for dinner, the man will prefer to hide from his problems in philosophy and experiences. There will be no food in the house, but aggression, a push for action, irritation and an attempt to demonstrate one’s masculine viability, energy that has not found a way out, will quite neatly be released into the heat of a family quarrel. And then the suppressed energy will be looped into destructive action. The man will get it back in the form of the emotions that his wife splashed out. Plus the situation will resolve itself. Thus, a man, without making his own efforts, realizes his actions outside in a distorted version. Rakes the heat with someone else's hands.

How do passive-aggressive men communicate with women?

Of course, men who are alienated from their masculinity need outside protection. After all, they cannot protect themselves from anxiety and frustration, and, therefore, they look for in a woman either a mother (controller and tyrant, savior and caring), or a sister (understanding and comforting). None of these roles ensures the normalization of family relationships, since a woman needs to reveal herself in all female roles, but what she gets is a forcedly acquired role of a mother hen.

That is why there are currently so many couples in which women strengthen the roles of administrators and try with all their might to cultivate femininity in themselves in order to find a more “masculine” type of behavior. And at the same time, they often blame themselves for mistakes, although in fact in many ways they are powerless to create a Man out of a man if he is simply not ready for such changes.

And this gives rise to another layer of flawed relationships in which the role of women is devalued by society itself. And women, due to circumstances, are forced to lower the bar for their own growth, deliberately entering into destructive, destructive relationships (including with obviously dependent types of men), in which both lose. We will devote the following article to this issue about the roles of men and women in society, which lead to the strengthening of the “right” of men to degrade.

An obvious conclusion can be drawn: a passive-aggressive man with low assertiveness (low level of independence from outside influence) is a man who still has a long way to go in maturing and interacting with feminine nature.

Any man a priori has a high level of aggressiveness

than a woman. By suppressing aggression, a man plants a time bomb. It is for this reason that breakdowns, “gray hair in the head - devil in the ribs” situations arise, outbursts of unmotivated emotions, sudden actions.

The difference between a holistic and mature man is that he is not afraid of his strength and directs it in the right direction: to find his destiny, to realize his goals, to help and provide for his family, to raise children and care for those he cares about. took responsibility.

Unfortunately or fortunately, a woman, especially an authoritarian woman-mother, is no help in this. It is from the “mother’s breast” that a man must tear himself away in order to begin to take his own steps and comprehend his own experience. We will also tell you why such a number of infantile men is currently growing. A separate conversation will be devoted to this.

Men who do not have maturity uselessly seek themselves in relationships with women, although the first thing they need to do is stop relying on someone and begin to courageously admit their weaknesses. That's half the battle. And then there will be a long process of self-education.

Those who are raised on a surrogate of masculine qualities: on the control and authority of the mother, without the influence of normal masculine strength, grow up with an unconscious desire to destroy what crushes and breaks. And this happens unconsciously. On the one hand, a weak-willed man cannot do without his mother’s skirt, and on the other, he is irritated and humiliated by this, and he always hesitates between fire and water, between the desire to humiliate and trample and between the urgent need of life to receive benefits: protection, help, support, often material.

The inability to get out of the vicious circle gives rise to either a cycle of endless betrayals (again in search of oneself), or depression, drug addiction or alcoholism, denial of all norms, attempts at escapism (escape from reality).

The lost man is thrashing about, and it is very noticeable. He can search for himself completely neurotically, change his place of residence, job, women (wives), despite the countless number of illegitimate children growing up without a father.

Such men are sure that winning a woman means suppressing her, moving away from her and “not letting her sit on your neck.”

The need to humiliate and dominate manifests itself everywhere, including this is noticeable in a career, when a loser who has achieved power and has no responsibility begins to display a power complex, deliberately belittling others. So he is trying to prove to the world that he is worth something.

Causes

After the research, scientists found that the causes of aggressive behavior lie in altered neuronal mechanisms. Long-term intoxication leads to neurotransmitter failure and the development of pathological processes in the central nervous system.

Changes in neuronal mechanisms depending on the form of aggression:

• Protective – high cortisol activity;
• Attacking – low serotonergic activity is combined with increased testosterone and decreased cortisol.

Destructive behavior in dependent individuals with comorbid personality disorders is associated with a pronounced failure of serotonergic mechanisms.

Chronic alcohol abuse leads to dysfunction of the dopaminergic system. Ethanol is a dopamine agonist. This is why outbursts of aggression and rage occur more often after drinking alcohol.

The relationship between alcohol and destructive behavior is due to a number of factors:

• The level of aggression increases in a state of intoxication (imbalance of neurotransmitter systems);
• Alcohol indirectly affects the appearance of negatively colored emotions. Under the influence of ethanol, cognitive interpretations are impaired and information processing is inhibited. Under the influence of alcohol, the “normative framework” is turned off, which in a sober state allows you to restrain emotional outbursts.

Most patients with alcohol addiction are prone to display aggressive-sadistic behavior. Such patients repeatedly commit illegal and violent acts not only towards their loved ones.

Aggression during long-term alcoholism is caused by changes in inhibition processes. Violent impulses are released and the activity of neurotransmitters is disrupted.

Factors that increase the likelihood of destructive behavior in alcohol dependence:

• Systematic abuse;
• History of traumatic brain injury;
• Dystrophic changes in nervous tissue;
• Mental illnesses;
• Chronic or acute stress (problems in the family, at work);
• Tendency to impulsiveness;
• Psychological trauma.

Aggression develops gradually, but already at the first stage of alcoholism characteristic symptoms are noted. At first, a person becomes irritable and hot-tempered under the influence of ethanol. As alcoholism progresses, signs of persistent destructive behavior also increase, which manifest themselves outside of intoxication.

How to Stop Being Passive-Aggressive

It is almost impossible to do without the help of a psychologist in this situation. A person simply does not understand what his problem is in order to be able to cure it. To completely change yourself, it is important to work together not only with a man’s loved ones, but also with his friendly environment. But we must, of course, start only with ourselves. Otherwise, life will always be a meaningless race for illusory happiness. Which should be inside.

Tags: what to do with aggression, bad habits, how to understand yourself, hidden aggression