Children's fear of the death of one of their parents

Photos: Depositphotos / Illustration: Yulia Zamzhitskaya

“I’m sick of everything,” “Leave me alone,” “I’m tired of this life”—these phrases from a teenager’s lips cause shock and misunderstanding among parents and teachers. Clinical and family psychologist, art therapist, teacher at IIST (Institute of Integrative Family Therapy) Anastasia Ilyina .

Some adults believe that the problems of adolescents in adolescence are insignificant and not worth their grief. But the level of sensitivity and resistance to stress is different for all children. When the emotional system cannot cope with everyday experiences, minors choose one of two maladaptive strategies - self-harm or suicidal behavior.

How can you tell if your child is feeling anxious?

Children who are afraid for their parents make statements with the following content: “Mom, will you be old too?”, “Mom, I don’t want you to grow old and die.”, “I want everyone I love, lived for a long, long time." If similar phrases begin to slip into the baby’s speech, it means that at the moment the child is rethinking his previous ideas about life . The kid is trying to accept reality as it is, without embellishment. This process is quite difficult. The child becomes whiny, sad, asks to be held, and demands the attention of the parents.

Complications

The main complications of phobias are emotional disturbances and social maladjustment. As the obsessive fear progresses, the restrictive behavior spreads to cover a wide range of familiar situations. In an effort to maintain a comfortable state, the child (teenager) reduces and “simplified” everyday activities: refuses to walk in the park, streets with active traffic, does not show the initiative to communicate with peers, or participate in school events. In severe cases, the space is limited to the child's room and the constant presence of the parent is required. Associated emotional disorders include depression and anxiety.

Causes of fear

The impetus for the development of serious feelings may be participation in the funeral of a close relative. The fact that a person is buried in the ground is very scary for children. The thought that the same fate will befall mom or dad is alarming. If a loved one has passed away after illness, you should not focus the child’s attention on this fact.

Preschool children are not able to recognize which disease is a minor illness and which can lead to death. Misunderstanding will lead to the child experiencing severe anxiety whenever the parents are unwell. In the same way, the baby will be panicky about his own illness. It is acceptable to tell a child that a person died of old age or from some very rare disease .

It also happens that the root of the worries is not concern for the lives of relatives, but the fear of being left alone. A child is a defenseless and helpless creature, so his need for the presence of loved ones is heightened. Even if a child does not understand his vulnerability, he feels it intuitively. This is the innate instinct of self-preservation. When asking questions about death, the child wants to hear in response confirmation that he will not be left alone and will be safe.

What children of different ages know about death

Toddlers and younger preschoolers. They present death mainly as something temporary, reversible and not personally related to them and their family. This is partly due to fairy tales and children's stories in general - where characters often come to life, turn into someone after death, etc. At this age, it is quite normal to misunderstand the difference between fantasy and reality and think this way.
Senior preschoolers, junior school. They begin to understand that living beings tend to die at some point and death is something final. A personal “library” of images and associations related to the theme of death appears.
Teenagers. As a rule, they finally understand that death cannot be canceled and that they themselves and their loved ones will die someday. Sometimes they begin to romanticize death.

When does a child not feel fear?

If the baby is not worried about his life or the life of his parents, then this may be a warning sign. A complete lack of anxiety indicates that the child either has low emotional sensitivity or there are serious problems in family relationships. The baby has nothing to worry about only when he will not lose anything with the death of his parent .

Children's emotions also become dulled if adults create the illusion of a world in which there is no reason to worry. In this way, parents try to protect their child from worries and do not want to traumatize the child’s psyche. However, if a child is mature enough to realize the inevitability of death, this topic should be discussed with him honestly.

There is no need to artificially slow down the process of rethinking the laws of nature. The biggest mistake is to assure a child that mom and dad will never die. Children of cheerful and optimistic parents may also not experience deep emotions.

Self-harming behavior

Self-harm, or self-harm (from the English self-harm), is inflicting harm on oneself in order to cope with experiences, painful memories and the inability to control one’s life. With the help of selfharm, teenagers:

punish themselves for not meeting their own requirements or the requirements of adults;
they try to feel “alive” with depression, because if it is not treated, there comes a moment when the feelings become so dull that even experiencing pain seems tempting;
they want to try what it is, just like with cigarettes or alcohol;
take steps to take their own life.

From a physiological point of view, self-harm brings a feeling of instant relief, but does not allow you to solve problems or get out of a crisis. In addition, adolescents and young adults who have a history of self-harm are at increased risk for suicide.

How to respond to adults

Don't judge.
Express your readiness to provide support.
Find out the reason by listening to the child to the end, without interrupting.
Show empathy.
Explain the dangers of such behavior and consider the possible consequences.
Discuss ways to get out of a painful situation.
Suggest contacting a specialist.

Depending on the severity of the condition, the course of action differs. If self-harm has occurred once or twice, a heart-to-heart talk will likely be sufficient. But if a teenager injures himself after every bad grade at school or a quarrel with his parents, he needs to urgently contact a clinical psychologist or even a psychiatrist.

Parents are strictly prohibited

Go to extremes. Panic and ignorance are equally harmful. Excessive emotionality will interfere with dialogue. Avoiding the problem will not solve it.
Tight control. Constant inspections and the use of force not only humiliate the teenager, worsening his psychological state, but also lead to a complete loss of confidence.
Make fun of and provoke. It is dangerous to assume that a teenager uses self-harm “to get attention” and openly talk to him about it.
Devalue experiences. It is impossible to establish contact if you talk down to a child and reproach him for being unreasonable.

How to proceed?

You cannot ignore your child’s fears and answer his questions dismissively. If your baby starts talking about his experience, you should put everything aside and talk to him calmly. By voicing anxious thoughts, children gradually get rid of fear, so the child needs to speak out. The parent should let the baby know that he is safe, and as long as he needs it, mom and dad will be there.

A good method is to replace negative emotions with positive ones . Involve yourself in interesting activities and hobbies. You can spend more time in a close family circle. This way the child will develop a sense of family integrity, stability and security.

If your baby is too anxious, you need to invite him to draw his fear. After the drawing is ready, it must either be securely hidden or physically destroyed. This will become a symbol of victory over all experiences. A parent should remember that a preschool child should not take part in anyone's funeral. Observing the burial process and ritual actions very often becomes the cause of the development of various phobias, including the obsessive fear of death.

Fears based on the characteristics of the child’s personality and general well-being.

Excitable, vulnerable, sensitive and impressionable children, as well as those who are physically weakened, are all more susceptible to the above fears, so it is extremely important for parents to take this into account. This is where the answer to the question lies: why in the same situation one child is not afraid, and the other is simply shaking with fear

Here such puzzles as the child’s personality, his temperament, the stability and strength of the nervous system, his knowledge and past experience came together

This is where the answer lies to the question of why, in the same situation, one child is not afraid, while the other simply shakes with fear. Here such puzzles as the child’s personality, his temperament, the stability and strength of the nervous system, his knowledge base and past experience came together.