It's hard to admit that your partner is selfish. It wouldn't hurt as much if it was a stranger, but you have to face the truth. Of course, most people are kind at heart. But some make us doubt it. It's no secret that communicating with such people is emotionally draining. Moreover, the so-called “leeches” can significantly worsen your well-being and even change your outlook on life.
It's unlikely that any of us would like to be used. Yes, the world is full of sycophants, but that's not what we expect from our partner, is it? However, you need to be on your guard. Such people do this not out of necessity, but out of greed, not out of inability, but out of laziness.
Of course, it could simply be love or devotion that makes you vulnerable to such individuals. In addition, these same feelings can make it difficult to understand your partner's deception. This is what we will discuss in this article.
We will try to identify five common signs that often appear during a relationship with a selfish person. They will help you understand that you are being used and simply deceived. If you see something in common from this list with someone who is next to you, then it's time to think about your future.
Where does selfishness come from?
Excessive manifestation of selfishness does not allow you to build a relationship with a partner. The manifestation of this quality is that a person puts himself above his beloved and thinks only about his feelings. Selfishness manifests itself constantly. This is not a one-time phenomenon that you can put up with. Selfish people cannot adequately relate to their own personality. All a person’s thoughts are connected with selfish goals that will satisfy his wishes. Such people become greedy and dependent on material values. They do not listen to relatives and can even betray them.
The appearance of a second child
Many parents sooner or later decide to have another child in the family.
What needs to be provided:
- calculate your strength correctly. How much time passes between the birth of the first and second child does not matter. The main thing is that you are ready to give your care and attention to two children at once. But doctors still recommend keeping a period of one and a half to two years between pregnancies so that the woman’s body can recover and prepare for the birth of a new life;
- To avoid jealousy and negative attitudes, prepare your first-born in advance for the birth of a brother or sister. Let him participate with you in choosing toys, furniture and accessories for the newborn;
- Explain to your elder the basic rules of behavior with small children. Tell him that at first his brother will neither walk nor talk, but will only lie in his crib. Then he will learn to crawl and make sounds, and soon he will stand on his feet, and you can already play and walk with him;
- if your firstborn wants to help you with your newborn, don’t refuse him. But don’t make him a nanny either. The eldest, like the youngest child, has the right to childhood;
- immediately stop any attempts at jealousy. Tell your children more often that mom and dad love them equally;
- the famous child psychologist, writer, and also a mother of many children, Ekaterina Burmistrova, advises before the birth of her second child to teach her firstborn three necessary skills: to be able to wait, to express one’s desires in words and to feel the emotional state of an adult.
Reasons for purchasing it
Selfishness comes from human thinking. The desire to constantly elevate oneself appears in childhood. If a child receives too much attention or is deprived of it, he develops a negative attitude towards people. The spoiled teenager was used to having his homework done for him, his room cleaned, and his every whim fulfilled. Having matured, he expects from others what he received from his parents.
If a child did not receive enough attention from his parents, he wants to compensate for this. This manifests itself in elevating oneself over others. A person does not always do this intentionally. His upbringing affected him in such a way that it becomes difficult to change his thinking. He must want it himself.
“I only have one child”: real parenting experience
Ekaterina Zherebina, the founder of the Consulting Company, entrepreneur, business consultant, and former teacher, shared her story with us. Ekaterina is raising her only daughter Masha, and today she told us why her family did not have a second child and how she managed to cope with childhood egoism and raise a worthy person:
“I approached the decision to have a child very thoroughly.
Behind me was life without a mother from the age of 12, a pedagogical institute, the practice of studying families with difficult children, or, as I called it, studying children “in difficult conditions.” But that’s not about that now. All this was for me an impenetrable fortress on the path to motherhood. The country experienced a serious crisis in 1998. Despite all the difficulties, in August 2000 my wonderful daughter Masha was born. On August 6 she will be 20 years old. I am 47 years old and I have an only child.
Why haven't I given birth to more children? I’ll answer honestly, my own childhood was spent under strict financial restrictions. Many people no longer remember the hungry 80-90s, but I remember them very well. Therefore, I initially prepared myself for conscious, responsible motherhood. I wanted my child to live in abundance, get a good education and do whatever he wanted.
Has she become selfish? Complex issue.
Let's turn to Wikipedia: “Egoism (ancient Greek Εγώ, lat. ego - “I”) is behavior entirely determined by a person’s desire for his own benefit, benefit...”
My personal point of view, as a teacher, is that each of us in a certain context is an egoist. The main thing is to love children. However, I believe that I have helped my daughter grow into a person who is loved by her friends, family, and co-workers. And on August 22 of this year she has a wedding.”
Surely many of you recognized yourself in our heroine. Every parent wants to give their child the maximum, so families often make a conscious choice towards an only child. Later we will return to the story of Ekaterina and her daughter Masha to find out the advice and recommendations of a business mother and teacher. However, let's look at this phenomenon from a psychological point of view and find out what experts think.
How does selfishness manifest itself in relationships?
To imagine a negative quality, you need to become familiar with how an egoist behaves:
⦁ A person is fixated on his own person. He is only interested in his own problems. All thoughts are related to the analysis of one’s life and the desire to change. To do this, he uses any means, no matter how wrong and unpleasant they are for others. Selfishness is also noticeable in conversations with a partner. The egoist does not want to listen to his partner, help him and support him. He tries to redirect the dialogue to discuss his person.
⦁ Unjustified self-confidence. Negative egoism manifests itself in human behavior. He does not perceive the opinions of others, he is confident in his own strengths, mental abilities, beauty and other qualities. He likes to feel like a leader, even if in fact he is not one.
⦁ Rejection of criticism. A person is hostile to criticism and can easily be brought into conflict by pointing out his shortcomings. In relationships, this is connected with everyday life. The egoist may turn out to be wrong, and the partner will give him all the facts, but the person will defend his position to the last. However, in the case of stories about achievements, he is ready to boast about the results, while at the same time embellishing the stories.
⦁ Having learned about the signs of selfishness, you can get rid of manipulation by such a person. He may deliberately insult and lower his partner's self-esteem in order to appear better and make his lover feel worthless.
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⦁ In a relationship, an egoist does not listen to the opinion of his partner. He doesn’t care that a person close to him will suffer from this. In conversations, he tries to assure his interlocutor that his opinion is correct and it is impossible to act differently. So, for example, a man or woman will convince his partner that he is the one who should do all the housework, earn money and give expensive gifts.
You live according to their wishes.
If you live with someone who rarely lets you make your own plans, then you are probably in the clutches of a selfish person. If he doesn't value your time, effort, or emotional needs, you're probably being taken advantage of. A relationship without self-sacrifice and compromise is not a real relationship.
Here are clear signs of this behavior:
- you spend time together only the way he/she wants it; - your partner independently and without your knowledge chooses the meeting place, the friends you go out with and much more; - your ideas are quickly rejected or outright ignored.
In general, the general characteristics are clear. If you actually notice several similar signs with your partner, then there is a high probability that you are being taken advantage of.
Why is egoism dangerous?
Negative selfishness can harm everyone. Each characteristic leads to its own consequences.
⦁ Self-obsession. He is not interested in his partner's difficulties. He solves only his own problems, demanding maximum support from his lover. As a result, harmony in relationships disappears and a moment of crisis begins. A person wants to get away from an egoist.
⦁ Unjustified self-confidence. A person deliberately begins to lower his partner’s self-esteem and present himself as the leader in the relationship. If the egoist is wrong, and he realizes this, it will be more convenient for him to blame him on his beloved. ⦁ Rejection of criticism. The person will not try to change and please his partner. Criticism brings out the egoist and causes negative emotions. He can be overly angry and aggressive.
Ways to overcome selfishness
You can get rid of selfishness using two methods:
⦁ Independent work on yourself.
⦁ Attending sessions with a psychologist. If a person does not see the problem and considers inappropriate actions to be the norm, it is recommended to immediately make an appointment with a specialist. In other cases, if you want to get rid of selfishness, you can solve the problem yourself and change your thinking and character. Additionally, it is recommended to involve close people and relatives. Their help will be useful.
Most of the time you are the only one making the effort.
Everything here is banally simple: if a partner does not make enough effort to maintain a love relationship, then he is not interested in it.
Now let's look at it from the other side. Every day you try to give your feelings new colors, investing emotional energy, money and time. But still this is not enough. Moreover, money is not the main thing. Your emotional health is what matters. And if your partner is not invested in the relationship, then why continue to torture yourself?
If a person refuses responsibility in a relationship, then this indicates his immaturity, negligence and selfishness. A truly loving partner will not allow this to happen. So think about it and leave before you waste too much energy.
Ways to get rid of selfishness
Once a person has admitted that there is a problem, they are halfway through the process. Now all that remains is to direct your efforts to change your thinking and try to improve your lifestyle. You need to learn to relate to things around you differently, start developing new habits and develop the ability to treat people with respect.
Below are practical tips that can help you quickly get rid of selfishness.
Developing Empathy
In conversations with interlocutors, you need to gradually get rid of thoughts that are intended to use information for selfish purposes. There is no need to interrupt the person or try to prove to him that he is wrong. It is enough to show sympathy, be happy for him or just listen. This will allow you to develop the ability to adequately conduct dialogues and respect a person’s opinion when he talks.
Fighting excuses
All motives must be justified by good intentions, rather than by greed and self-interest. This includes everyday situations. For example, there is nothing wrong with asking a colleague to finish a report if you need to pick up your child from school. But using other people for personal income is the wrong decision.
Live in the present
Selfishness influences the formation of thoughts about fear of the future or past. It is recommended to live in the present and perceive reality in current moments. Self-interest forces people to make wrong decisions and deceive others in order to satisfy their needs.
Realize the temporality of material things
All material objects are impermanent. The car will break down, things will wear out. You shouldn’t get hung up on the desire to become richer than others and then reproach them. It is more important to develop and help others. This will bring more pleasure than purchasing something material.
Finding an Opportunity to Give
A person becomes much more pleasant if he helped another person. This requires developing the habit of sharing with others. This will allow you not only to get rid of selfishness, but also to reconsider your outlook on life.
Making new acquaintances
The more people you know, the more examples you have to live by. You can study them, learn from them and see how other people relate to things around them. As a result, it turns out that familiar values begin to be replaced by others. Communication will allow you to understand which shortcomings are insignificant and which have a negative impact on society and the individual himself.
Mistakes in the interaction between men and women
Male mistakes
When a woman suddenly begins to change her behavior, take care of herself, engage in self-development: read books, attend courses, lectures, take care of body health, men often perceive this with hostility. How is it possible, I spent 15 years taking care of him and the house, and then suddenly I remembered about myself. And they reproach the woman for selfishness.
Here it is important to remember the differences between male and female egoism and turn attention to yourself. And what have you, as a man, done for others, what requests have you fulfilled, what wishes have you taken into account and get down to business?
Women's mistakes
When a woman indulges male egoism. Instead of asking for help and including them in household chores, she takes pity on them and encourages laziness and idleness. Or he acts from the principle “I do it myself” and responds to any offer of help with “No need, I do it myself.”
For those who want to learn to understand the behavior of men and women, we recommend taking a master class
