What is passive aggression and where does it come from?
This term was coined by psychiatrist William Menninger during World War II. He observed the behavior of the soldiers and realized that some of them were evading orders. But they do not do this openly (which is not surprising), but use veiled methods. For example, they waste time, become demonstratively offended, or perform a task poorly so that next time they won’t be contacted.
Now passive aggression is considered the Definition of passive-aggressive behavior in which a person does not openly show anger, but masks it in more socially approved ways. For example, with the help of sarcasm, sabotage, antics, manipulation, and so on. Very often, passive-aggressive people do not understand why they behave this way and do not understand what consequences this can lead to.
Meanwhile, passive aggression can at least ruin the mood of those around you. And in severe cases, it can destroy relationships or reduce the productivity of the company. And, of course, such behavior interferes with the aggressor himself: it makes him unhappy, does not allow him to develop, express his feelings, or build relationships.
Psychologists believe The Construct Validity of Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder that the main cause of passive aggression is upbringing.
If a child has been told not to express anger, has been shamed for being angry, and has been told to calm down immediately, it will be very difficult for him to talk openly about his feelings.
Other causes of Passive Aggressive Personality are stress and mental illnesses such as anxiety disorder, ADHD, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and others. Of course, sometimes there are situations when we would be happy to honestly express our feelings, but we are forced to keep our mouths shut (for example, for fear of losing our job). Then anger manifests itself in a passive form.
What does passive aggression look like?
Psychologists identify 5 Signs That You're Dealing With a Passive‑Aggressive Person several main signs. And these are the phrases and actions in which they manifest themselves.
"Everything is fine"
Passive-aggressive people will never honestly say that they are angry or offended. But they will show it with all their appearance: look like a wolf, sigh, tut, purse their lips, hold dramatic pauses, and so on. At the same time, if you ask what happened, you will hear “nothing” and “everything is fine” in response. But it will be said in a cold or offended tone.
"Do what you want"
If a passive-aggressive person nevertheless starts talking about what worries him, he will not express his complaints directly and will not dare to open confrontation. But instead he will use phrases like: “Well, of course! Nobody gives a damn about my feelings!”, “Yes, yes, everything is clear to me now,” “Do as you know,” “I have drawn conclusions.”
He can also, for example, tell some story with a hint or post a meaningful quote on social networks to show how offended and dissatisfied he is. Or, on the contrary, he will ignore you: miss your calls and messages, seemingly accidentally “forget” about your requests, pretend that he does not see or hear what you say. Sometimes the purpose of all this is to provoke you. So that you yourself start an open conflict and the passive aggressor finally has a legal opportunity to express everything he thinks.
“Don’t be offended, I’m loving”
If such a person doesn’t like you, he won’t tell you what’s wrong, won’t talk to you, won’t quarrel and be indignant. He will pretend that everything is fine. And he will express his dissatisfaction in other ways.
For example, in the form of sarcasm, banter, offensive jokes or compliments that hurt your feelings.
“The dress makes you look so slim, it’s almost impossible to see that you’ve gained weight!”, “For a woman, you drive a great car.” This is a rather nasty pattern of behavior, because it is quite difficult to respond to such attacks: if you give a sharp rebuff, you can be seen as a rude person with no sense of humor.
“Are you losing weight? Here's a cake for you"
Another form of passive aggression is trying to stop you from achieving your goals. You say that you are watching your diet and want to lose weight, and the next day you are persistently treated to cakes. You're getting ready to work, and they start interrupting you every five minutes for trivial reasons.
"I forgot again"
Passive-aggressive people can sabotage their responsibilities and even interfere with others. And all only because it is difficult for them to openly express disagreement or dissatisfaction.
For example, you are working on a large project, and in words all team members agree on both the tasks and the deadlines. And then there is the one who is always late, forgets something, does his job very poorly, stalls for time, grumbles, and distracts others.
It is quite possible that he actually does not like this project, but circumstances do not allow him to refuse.
Similar behavior may occur in other situations. One of the family members does not want to wash the dishes and does it extremely poorly - so that next time he will not be asked to do it. A student does not do his homework in a certain subject because the teacher treated him with disrespect. And so on.
Of course, in all these examples, regularity is important. Just because someone didn’t do their job on time or made a bad joke once, it doesn’t mean that they’re angry about something or that they don’t like you.
Who can be a passive aggressor?
Anyone can be a passive aggressor, even children. Moreover, children often do this unconsciously. Let's give an example: a mother checks whether her homework is done, comes into the child's room, says: “Have you done your homework?”, and the child replies: “Now, now, I’ll do everything.” And this is repeated several times, although it is obvious that the task has not been completed. This is open agreement, but hidden contradiction is also passive aggression. And when the mother can no longer restrain herself and lashes out at the child, she is told that she is angry all the time. At this moment, the manipulation is closed: the mother begins to feel guilty, and the child immediately has carte blanche for unfinished homework.
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Such hidden hostility can take completely different forms, so you should not associate this phenomenon only with abusers, manipulators and toxic people. In fact, each of us can be a passive aggressor from time to time and each of us can find ourselves in the position of a victim.
It is important to remember that all parties to the conflict have their own goal. For a victim, it is to provoke open aggression; for an abuser, it is to reduce the importance of a person and try to advance their interests; for manipulators, the third goal is to openly control a person through such phenomena.
How to respond to passive aggression
Experts advise Understanding Passive-Aggressive Behavior not to show retaliatory aggression, not to try to hurt or ridicule the person. The best thing you can do is talk to the aggressor about what he is so afraid of, that is, about his feelings.
- Tell us about your observations. You clearly see that your interlocutor is dissatisfied with something, it worries and upsets you, you would like to understand the reasons.
- Reflect on the reasons. Most likely, a passive-aggressive person will deny everything and will not admit that he is angry. So there is no use asking what happened. If you have versions of why your interlocutor is unhappy, say so and clarify whether your assumptions are correct. “I’ve been working a lot lately and coming home late. I think you're mad at me, but you don't want to talk about it. I'm right)?" If they don't agree with you, think about other possible options. Try to get the person into an open conversation.
- Offer options for solving the situation. Tell us what you are ready to do to resolve the conflict. And try to come to a consensus.
How to help at home
Help at home can only be provided to accommodating drunkards who make contact and listen to words. If the intoxication is not severe, then you can refuse to use strong medications. In this case, may well help :
- The first step is to rinse the stomach with a weak solution of baking soda;
- Next, you need to take a solution of ammonia. 45 drops of ammonia are dissolved in 200 ml of boiled water. The finished composition is drunk;
- Afterwards, it is recommended to use an adsorbent; activated carbon, Polysorb, Enterosgel are ideal. These products will help cleanse the stomach of ethanol residues. They must be taken in accordance with the instructions ;
- The body's fluid reserves must be restored. This is done by drinking plenty of fluids . For these purposes, you can use homemade compotes, fruit drinks, berries, chamomile-based decoctions, and teas.
After the drunken state has become more or less normal, he will begin to think better and understand that he needs to be taken out into the fresh air , for a walk. This will completely remove the remnants of alcohol from his body and sober up.
What to do if you are passive-aggressive
Try to understand yourself
Behind passive aggression - sarcasm, teasing, procrastination - lies anger or dissatisfaction that you forbid yourself to express openly. Dig into yourself and find out what (or who) exactly you are angry at, why you are afraid of conflicts and do not allow yourself to express your own feelings.
Give yourself permission to be angry
Admit that you are angry. Accept that this is a completely natural feeling, stop suppressing it. It's normal to feel anger, but suppressing it is not. This can lead to depression and anxiety disorders.
Talk about what's bothering you
This is one of the best ways to vent your feelings and let them go. Yes, for those who are used to keeping everything to themselves, frankness can be very difficult. Therefore, it may be worth formulating in advance what you want to say, and even practicing at home in front of the mirror.
Do not attack your interlocutor, be correct, and do not resort to insults.
Use “I messages”: talk about your feelings, but do not blame your opponent. “I get very angry when I have to spend evenings alone,” “It upsets me that my opinion is not listened to.” If such a conversation really scares you, you can talk about your experiences in a letter.
Learn to Express Your Feelings
Sometimes it is impossible to speak directly about your emotions. Or you are not ready for this yet. But this is also not a reason to keep anger and resentment to yourself. Try to express them in ways that won't offend anyone: keep a diary, write letters to your offenders (you don't have to send them), play sports, talk about your experiences with friends.
Forms of manifestation of aggression. Ways to utilize aggression by adults
Taboo forms of expressing aggression include behavior that can cause harm or harm to living beings, nature or the person himself - for example, physical, sexual, psychological violence, insults, humiliation, public ridicule, threats, harassment, harsh criticism, rough treatment, loud shouting , damage to property, etc.
Eco-friendly forms include ways of physically expressing anger that do not cause damage or harm to people and all living things and do not lead to negative consequences.
You can utilize your aggression with the help of team sports, especially where there is physical contact (volleyball, football, boxing, martial arts), running, spontaneous dancing to fast music, sex, you can also try screaming, loudly singing rhythmic songs or playing the drums. In situations where it is not possible to express anger physically, you can try to imagine the offender or the object of anger and mentally beat him. In addition, to relieve tension in such a situation, you can try to breathe deeply: in this case, the exhalation should be longer than the inhalation (for example, inhale for 4 counts, and exhale for 6 or 8 counts).
At the same time, in order to utilize aggression as much as possible, it is important to understand who or what you are angry at, since anger, as a rule, is always objective. If aggression relates to a specific person, then it is necessary to imagine him and hit something soft with all his might (pillow, sofa, punching bag, fitness ball, etc.). If you feel anger directed at yourself, then you need to realize its true causes. It can be constructive if it is necessary to control any negative behavior that harms you or others, and it can be unconstructive, for example, if you do not accept any shortcomings in yourself. In both cases, it is necessary to try to eliminate the cause of anger, otherwise over time it can turn into auto-aggression destructive for the individual and the body.
If you cannot identify the object of anger or determine its causes, you should consult a psychologist. In the process of psychotherapeutic work with adults, I often encounter displaced aggression, for example, when an adult takes out his anger on a child or partner, finding fault with every little thing, but is actually angry at his parents or boss at work.
