Abuse from a partner implies some kind of psychological pressure on the volitional component of one’s counterpart. In this article we will cover the topic of purely emotional violence, although often the line between emotional and physical is extremely fluid and can dissolve when a partner crosses the line.
In psychology, it is customary to generally refer to abusers as people with certain mental characteristics, namely people with power, inclined to suppress the will of a partner through direct methods - humiliation, insults, accusations, and indirect ones - demonstrative ignoring, care, manipulation.
Leave the abuser and end the relationship
Of course, the most effective way is to get out of a relationship with such a person and never return to it. But some “victims” of charming narcissists get hooked on the emotional needle and are unable to leave on their own, becoming stuck in such relationships for a long time, or even forever. Some are more afraid of divorce, worry about how they will raise a child, and are afraid that they will violate the stereotype that a “decent woman” must have a husband. Some people simply don’t know how to end a relationship with an abuser—in such cases, it’s better to turn to a psychologist for help.
Like clockwork
Psychotherapist Aina Gromova spoke about the notes of manipulation - the vulnerable spots of employees, which are so convenient for a bad boss to put pressure on. Every person has a couple of such Achilles heels. Well, for aggressor bosses, this list will allow them to expand their musical repertoire.
Before: fear
What does it look like
Intimidation. The phrase “No people are irreplaceable.” Hints that you are about to fail, and the cost of failure is high. An eloquent demonstration that it is unlikely that they will be able to tolerate you at any other job. Well, if only you were demoted... Although no... It still won’t work.
Frequent criticism and nagging will add depth to feelings, especially if the employee is not particularly confident in himself. The note of fear works best on people with high anxiety.
Re: sense of duty
What does it look like
Urgent alarm, rush hour, messenger message in the middle of vacation and phrases like “If not us, then who?” Here the boss is free to withdraw himself, and “we”... that is, you are doing work that at the moment is more similar to the feat of Alexander Matrosov. This is a particularly important task that no one in the world can handle. And only you, only now (never mind that it’s already three o’clock in the morning) are heroically covering the embrasure.
It is recommended to use on responsible people with perfectionist tendencies and excellent student syndrome. They then pull a wild load, and those around them get a visual image of what workaholism looks like with a human face.
Mi: wine
What does it look like
Thanks to the reaction of the authorities, any oversight takes on the characteristics of a catastrophe that forever changed the world.
The employee is hinted at situations in which he did not shine, at conflicts in which he stood next to or, God forbid, participated. If reality loses its usual contours, this is gaslighting: the manipulator talks about non-existent things so convincingly that it begins to seem that it is true.
Sometimes a person thinks that he is hearing an insulting, sarcastic, too personal comment from his boss. It seemed again! The comment is normal, but the employee himself is too vulnerable, has lost his sense of humor and generally reacts somehow painfully to everything. Here many people hesitate and begin to doubt their reactions.
It is tested on people with a pathological sense of their own guilt, on those who, instead of saying: “I will not tolerate comments about my dog,” or, busily rolling up their sleeves: “Ok, I could have made a mistake, where can I correct it?” - They panic and tear out their hair.
Fa: self-love
What does it look like
There are subordinates who are ready to move mountains; you should let them know that you expect something special from them, that they are - yes, the chosen ones of fate, they have a special role and a special position. With such guys you can alternate between flattery and a disappointed look. For example, a person is about to leave the office at seven o’clock in the evening, and the boss shakes his head disapprovingly: “Well, well, I didn’t expect this from you...” And that’s all - the ashamed employee turns on the computer again, so as not to disgrace the Russian lands... that is his glorious reputation.
Blows to pride are especially painful for people who strive for high results, dream of achievements and want to be the best. They perceive a loss not as a game of chance, but as a personal insult, which makes it possible to trample on a heightened sense of self... “Remember, darling, last year they failed the tender...”
Salt: curiosity
What does it look like
The manipulator can initiate into the secrets of the Madrid court, creating a trusting atmosphere, intrigue, and promise to shed light on the darkest corners of business. And then suddenly act mysterious, leave the phrase unsaid, avoid a direct answer...
Having nevertheless given the employee some special information, you can mark him as chosen or blame him for leaks.
You can play on curiosity if the goal is to create a toxic atmosphere in the company. Gossip about employees is a great way to turn your work team into a branch of the serpentarium.
It works on people with a spirit of research who get into trouble: first the boss buys their loyalty with information, and then pretends to be a fool and introduces elements of confusion: “In fact, everything was not like that... Your business trip was not planned in January and not in Kaluga...”
La: pity
What does it look like
The wolf portrays a sheep. The victim game is designed to arouse empathy and guilt in the employee: “If you don’t help me, I don’t even know what to do...”, “No one cares about my problems.” The “poor me” tactic can be very powerful, even to the point of threatening to commit suicide. But in the end, all the sufferers go home, and the compassionate employee whiles away the night over the report.
The technique works with empathetic people prone to altruism.
Xi: sexual provocations
What does it look like
Appropriate or inappropriate seduction. The manipulator may use charm, flattery, or openly demonstrate sexual interest, and with it an unbuttoned shirt.
A typical tactic of people who engage in harassment is to pretend that their inappropriate behavior is completely normal, and that grabbing secretaries by the knees is a common everyday concern.
In this case, the answer “no” that the victim mutters is not accepted as an answer, and the aggressor shows rare persistence. Another common technique is to make it clear that the employee is obliged to his boss, because he helped his career so much, and how he can influence it in the future - wow!
Used on people who feel they have to be nice and agreeable, especially in front of their superiors.
Discuss the problem
Try to talk about your unexpressed negative feelings, emphasizing your rejection of the man’s unacceptable behavior and statements. You should not speak in an accusatory manner, but from an I-position, for example, “I feel humiliated when I hear such words from you.” This, at least, will allow you to convey your feelings to your partner in a peaceful manner and, if he is not completely devoid of empathy (and he is not a nuclear psychopath), but simply a person who was traumatized at one time, he is obliged to hear.
Code: what can a victim of manipulation do?
Lawyer, senior partner of the Zheleznikov and Partners bar association, Roman Shcherbinin, says that it is difficult to rely on the law in this case. For example, if we are talking about sexual harassment, then it makes more sense to appeal to public censure rather than to lawyers. Such disputes have not yet been transferred to the status of labor torts, and from the point of view of the law this is not a violation.
And if, for example, your boss forces you to work after hours, then, according to Roman, “this is your good will.” Refusal to do some work on Sunday cannot be grounds for dismissal. If the boss becomes a satanist, the lawyer recommends writing a complaint to the State Labor Inspectorate, and this institution will deal with the violations. “But I can say that in Russia, unlike foreign jurisdictions, this is not common,” Roman sadly concludes.
And psychotherapist Aina Gromova suggests being wary if some elements of corporate culture suddenly begin to spread to you, bypassing the rest of the company:
“When you come to work, you immediately notice how they work here. If the entire office stays late after work hours, it's their unspoken policy. You can refuse to work under such conditions or accept them. But if suddenly only you receive calls at night, while everyone else does not sacrifice sleep, this means that something special is expected from your figure.
There are two response options as a response to manipulation. First: not to notice and act in accordance with the expectations of the aggressor. This is how you communicate that this is normal practice for you. The second option: set boundaries, make it clear that such an attitude is unacceptable.
Understanding your boundaries begins with the ability to answer the questions: who am I, why and why am I doing something.
This view allows you to independently evaluate yourself at work, see your successes and failures. If you have a clear view of yourself as a specialist and your own position, then it will be extremely difficult to manipulate you. A psychologically mature person, having analyzed the situation, can recognize the various elements of influence, see where they are trying to take their anger out on you, where they are prying into your personal space, where they are giving unsolicited advice. If you constantly find yourself in the zone of other people's manipulations, you may need to work hard on your boundaries.
You don't have to listen to comments about your appearance, personal life, or feel total guilt for a minor mistake.
Analyze the claims of your superiors: the boss has the right to evaluate your work results, give you bonuses or withdraw financial compensation.
But if a person allows himself personal attacks, then he shows himself to be a toxic leader. In any case, the behavior of the authorities is not the end of the story. It is up to you how to react to this. As long as you are in the manipulation zone, that means the ball is on your side of the field and you must give the correct answer.”
This response will be an expression of your disagreement to play by the manipulator’s rules. And the main thing here will be the ability to say no. Without apologizing, without suffering, without feeling guilty, without finding a hundred thousand excuses. “No, this doesn’t suit me,” “No, I’m not ready,” “No, I can’t stand this tone towards myself.” This useful skill will allow you not to be fooled by flattery, aggression, or other techniques of the attacker.
Methods of suppression
Narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths often use these methods to influence others:
- “It didn’t happen like that,” “Are you crazy?” – with the help of these phrases, the suppressive person tries to undermine your sense of reality.
- Projection. This is a sign of suppression, in which the abuser does not want to admit his negative qualities. It is expressed in such situations: a deceitful person accuses his girlfriend of lying, an envious wife says that her husband is often jealous of others, and the like.
- Pointless argument. When entering into a conversation with a narcissist, you need to be prepared for the worst, because after just 10 minutes it will turn into an inappropriate argument that will affect all aspects of life.
- Unsubstantiated statements and generalizations. Narcissists do not pay attention to arguments and opinions of various authors. Only their point of view can be correct. During an argument, it is common for them to label their interlocutor.
- Abrupt change to leave. This is done in order to avoid responsibility.
- Insults, hidden and overt threats. They can manifest themselves in the form of “innocent” jokes.
- Slander and persecution.
- Love and devaluation. First, a person swears love and fidelity. When the victim takes the bait, her humiliation and bullying begin.
- Shaming. “Aren’t you ashamed to hug in public,” says a person who is clearly jealous of the relationship.
- Control. Suppressive personalities strive to control everything so that nothing can disrupt their desired state of affairs.
Types of suppression
Moral Suppression
It is aimed at belittling human dignity. For example, the offender talks about the victim’s complexes, appearance, and tries to evoke a feeling of guilt. Sun Tzu wrote: “To subjugate the enemy to your will, hit the weak points.”
Psychological suppression
This type of influence is accompanied by physical torture. First, the victim is beaten, pushed, and then psychological violence is applied. It is often associated with the following words: “If you don’t want it good, it will be bad,” after which intimidation begins.
Psychological pressure: protection against manipulation in several steps
Overcoming psychological pressure can be much easier than protecting yourself from it in time. After all, recognizing this phenomenon is sometimes very difficult; the manipulator can choose the most sophisticated types and types of actions.
But if there is even a suspicion of such actions, then you need to use techniques to protect yourself from psychological pressure.
Straightforwardness
You can directly state to your interlocutor’s face that he is behaving too assertively and aggressively; such behavior does not allow him to weigh everything and make a choice. Some manipulators retreat when faced with resistance, but with others you have to use other techniques.
Closed poses
Crossed arms or legs, chin down - all this reduces the degree of psychological pressure. Such poses at the subconscious level give a signal to your partner that you are not ready to cooperate and perceive information.
Mental barriers
Sometimes ordinary thoughts and images give you greater confidence in yourself and your abilities. It’s enough to imagine that there is an insurmountable barrier between you and the manipulator: an invisible wall, a deep ditch, a fiery barrier, an impenetrable dome or a spacesuit.
Distraction
To confuse your opponent, you can distract him in various ways: coughing, yawning, tapping on the table, turning pages, straightening clothes or hair. Any physical activity will attract the eye, but it is important that it looks natural and is not repeated too often.
