What is abuse and how does it happen?
In a fairly short period of time, this concept has become very widespread. In general, abuse is violence. Moreover, the violence is not only physical and sexual, but also emotional. And it can manifest itself in various kinds of relationships.
Yana Slyusareva, practicing psychologist:
Manifestations of physical and sexual violence are, in principle, understandable. You can't hide it. Psychological abuse is much more difficult to recognize. Suppression, violence, criticism, mockery, torment, devaluation - it can take different, not always obvious forms. Therefore, it is more difficult for the victim to understand who he is dealing with.
Psychologist Yana Slyusareva
Archive of Yana Slyusareva
We have heard about a hundred times that a woman’s lot is to endure her husband, his barbs, slaps in the face, mom, dad and brothers. And about a thousand that if a husband beats his wife, it is certainly out of love! We heard, listened and finally accepted this as the norm. Because of this, we get stuck in toxic relationships and endure physical and psychological violence—abuse—for years.
Our heroines also endured. Until one day they realized that a healthy relationship is not about humiliation and bruises. We invite you to read their honest stories and advice, which will help you identify and neutralize the abuser in time.
Marina, became an alcohol addict because of her abusive partner
It turned out that at the age of 17, having known the man for ten days, I went to his house. He mixed something into my alcohol and raped me. I hardly drank, it was literally a couple of sips, I immediately passed out and woke up while he was raping me. I couldn’t do or say anything, I was in shock. Until this moment I was a virgin.
I was completely alone in a strange city, I entered college, lived in a dorm, my parents were a thousand kilometers away from me. I didn’t know how to look my mother in the eye after this, I was very afraid that she would judge me, in our family it was not customary to lose one’s virginity before the wedding. I was afraid of scandals, bullying, and the rapist intimidated me that if I did anything, he would put everything in the most humiliating light. He had a lot of money and connections in the authorities, I was very hurt and scared. Then the Stockholm syndrome kicked in.
He was a tyrant from the very beginning of our “relationship”. He constantly humiliated me, raped and beat me. Not a day went by without someone saying that I was a stupid, lying, fat scum. Due to the fact that my parents could not instill in me normal self-esteem and constantly put pressure on me, such treatment seemed to me to be the norm.
When I tried to break off this relationship, I felt physically ill. It was getting dark before my eyes, I couldn’t eat anything, and if I did eat something, I immediately vomited. It was as if my body was rebelling against my consciousness. When I was at my worst, he would come back again. All my physical pain disappeared as if by hand.
When I didn’t want to get along with him, he beat me and raped me. My childhood consciousness romanticized these moments. I believed that this was the love that I wanted and was looking for all my life. He reminded me of my parents.
No matter what bad I or he did, it was always my fault. And I endured everything. Then I started drinking. Every day I drank half a liter of vodka, it was the only thing that calmed me down.
One day, I met a man who truly valued me, and I wanted to leave my abusive partner, but he intimidated me and raped me. After that, I couldn’t look that guy in the eye. He took me to the doctor.
My childhood roof was so askew at that moment that I joked and laughed at these terrible things, called them the norm and believed that these were signs of love. The doctor worked with me for free. Thanks to him, I was the only one who was able to get out.
And one more important detail. My abusive partner had a wife. I found out about this the same evening he raped me. It seems like my wife hasn’t slept with him for a long time, she even tried to be friends with me. One day I found out what was between them. From her. No, they weren't sleeping. He raped me, but apparently loved her. It's funny, isn't it?
That night when I found out this, I completely lost my mind. I walked eight metro stations, from my house to his, I felt unbearably bad. I have never felt so bad both emotionally and physically. Then I poured bleach on my head and scratched my legs with a razor. I've never approved of self-harm, but that night I couldn't help myself.
He admitted to me that he only slept with his wife once. After that I went on a rampage. She started drinking more often, and when we separated, she slept with the first people she met. I dreamed of getting rid of this attachment, but I couldn’t.
I isolated myself from my abusive partner as best I could. All his attempts to meet were stopped. But one day I put on quite a show when I met him and his wife at their favorite bar. Since then he hasn't tried to see me. I realized that he was afraid of me.
The worst thing is that he will have his next victim. Or there already is.
He told me that he had been acting on this plan for a long time. And he selects girls according to strictly defined criteria. Adherents of subcultures, non-locals, virgins, and not older than 19 years. I was very afraid, I felt that I had to warn his future victims... But I remembered how I was also warned. And I didn't listen. And I eventually came to the conclusion that it was useless.
Personal experience: when a relationship is considered abusive
If a guy is not happy with something or seems strange, you need to leave immediately. The main thing is to be self-sufficient.
Many perceive relationships as a necessity; they are promoted by popular culture. In fact, relationships are just an addition to personality. Therefore, if a man does not make your life better, you need to leave immediately.
When I broke off this relationship, I began to live fully. I stopped drinking, set life goals for myself, and most importantly, gained self-sufficiency. After I went through this hell, I realized that I was no longer afraid of anything. I am not afraid of betrayal, problems, I respect and love myself. Now I am in a normal relationship, for the first time in my life. And they actually complete me, rather than waste me.
Tamara, became a victim of an abusive partner
Everything happened exactly as described in articles about abuse. A man came into my life with the intention of presenting himself as my ideal. I was naive enough then to believe that a guy was really capable of being so kind and attentive. It didn’t even alarm me that this person had studied my page on the social network in detail six months before we met. However, I didn’t want to get into a relationship, and he was tired of “running” after me for almost a whole year. Because of this, he harbored a grudge and recalled on occasion how badly I had hurt him.
Of course, when he began to show his true characteristics, the contrast was striking. I was perplexed how this inhuman monster turned out from a “good home boy”. He began to little by little create an emotional swing for me. It started small - nagging, reproaches, insults over trifles. At first I didn’t even realize that there were any problems.
It seemed to me that he was just nervous, worried, and needed to be reassured. It took a lot of energy. I didn’t know about abusive relationships then. The guy tried to quarrel with my friends and family (fortunately, unsuccessfully), saying that they didn’t need me, that only he appreciated and loved me. He called his control “caring.”
The first alarming incident occurred about six months after the start of a serious relationship. I went to a conference, which, by a happy coincidence, was held in a resort town, and told him that I could combine business with pleasure. He got really angry that I was going to “have fun” without him; Apparently, he thought that I should suffer and count the days until my return. I was surprised by this reaction; I was sure that a loving person would rejoice at my successes... Throughout the business trip, he called and threw hysterics, brought me to tears and threatened to drink myself into unconsciousness.
Alas, this was just the beginning. I didn’t understand where I ended up. The reproaches became more and more offensive, the reasons for the insults became more and more vague. He tried to control my social circle, actions, plans. It was impossible to predict when his mood would change. It seemed that this man was looking for the slightest reason to quarrel, any weak point of mine in order to poke it more painfully. He liked to see me suffer.
After about a year and a half of dating, I came across an article on the Internet about perverted narcissism, and was amazed at the coincidences. It was as if scales were beginning to fall from my eyes, but I continued to cling to this relationship, hoping that everything would work out. As soon as I expressed a protest, he immediately restored the image of a “good guy” and returned me to this web.
I started having constant headaches, I was either crying or falling into a state of complete indifference to everything. I often thought about killing myself (at that time it seemed to me a very logical way to get rid of a tyrant). In addition, his mother had a psychological education, mastered NLP techniques and various manipulations, she also used me for her own purposes, hiding behind friendliness. Partly, it was she who prevented us from having a complete fight.
My health was getting worse and I had to see a neurologist regularly. When I started treatment, I began to deliberately reduce communication with the tyrant and study materials on toxic relationships.
He was offered to go to graduate school abroad, and I supported him in this, but not because I was happy for him, but because I saw it as a deliverance. She helped him with documents, registration, and waited for him to finally leave. I promised him that I would come next. But I lied.
We communicated online for another year; he was angry that I was not going to him. His mother constantly called me and invited me somewhere so as not to lose sight of him, but I could not refuse because of learned politeness.
However, my patience was running out. Finally, I began to understand that it would not be possible to end the relationship peacefully. That's when I started open resistance. He imposed his company, and his mother tried unsuccessfully to reconcile us, until I decided to block them everywhere. Everything was quiet for three months, then the threats began. The guy wrote to me via fake emails and on social networks, demanded an apology, promised to come and make me answer for his words, called me and my relatives names (he was sure that someone had turned me against him). No one believed me, no one took his actions seriously, and I was scared. I ignored all attempts at communication from him. Even though he was in another country, I began to carry a knife with me.
Now, fortunately, this person does not remind of himself. I didn’t go to a psychologist for a long time, but mostly because I didn’t want to invest financially. Only a year after the final breakup, I decided to enroll in a psychodrama group and work through my story there. I still have contempt and distrust for men to this day.
Personal experience: what can give away an abuser
Any attempts at control. Even in small things. A person imposes a feeling of guilt, but cannot clearly explain the reason, shifts responsibility for every problem - this is where it all begins.
Fem (creative pseudonym), fled with her son to a crisis center for victims of domestic violence
When I first met my future husband, he did not at all look like a typical abuser. He knew I didn't love him, but he begged me to give him a chance, to just be there for me and let him love me. We met through a mutual friend, he was cheerful, easy-going, caring, but with the habits of a leader. Although at that time all these qualities were in moderate quantities.
When I found out that I was pregnant, he began to insist on the wedding, saying that otherwise I would not let this child be born. I should have realized then that something was wrong here. But it was served “with the sauce of care and family values.” After the wedding, the pressure increased. Even when I was pregnant, he was jealous. I was angry that time was passing, but the great love was not awakening in me. He made a bunch of promises that he would arrange everything for me and the child. But in fact, when we left the maternity hospital, the child had neither a crib nor a stroller.
He locked me at home with the baby when he left for work, again it was out of jealousy. He began to give up for waking him up half an hour earlier, saying something wrong, looking at him wrong...
He beat me while I was holding my newborn son in my arms. And he constantly told me: “No one will help you anyway, you’re an orphan.” My son and I lived under his total control for several months. It was unbearable! So I decided to escape.
Thank God, I had a phone and the Internet, so the first thing I did was Google a crisis center for women in my city. I had no money, no relatives, and no friends. I called there and told them about what was happening in my life. They told me to take the child and come. I lied to my husband that tomorrow my son and I needed to see a doctor for a routine check-up. Only on these conditions did he leave me the keys, because he was afraid for his reputation, and that the doctors would sense something was wrong. And the next day, when he was at work, I took the child, collected documents, and ran away from home.
Later, the husband found out the address of the center. One day he appeared in front of me when I was getting ready to go for a walk with my son, snatched the child from my arms... The concierge blocked the exit and called the police. The police laid siege to the entire building of the crisis center, because the husband pressed our son so tightly to himself that he almost strangled him...
Later we decided to meet each other to dot the i's. We met in “our” apartment. When the conversation did not go according to the “necessary” pattern, my husband grabbed my throat with a death grip. I don’t remember how I escaped from his hands.
I stayed in the crisis center for three months. Psychologists worked with me, but the diagnosis of “borderline personality disorder” is still with me. That's why even now, years later, I'm afraid of literally everything. Even his own son, when he shows his father's habits.
Personal experience: what are the first signs of abuse?
There are many first signs of abuse: insults, imposition of an opinion by a partner, sole decision-making. Some men start to get jealous from the very beginning, and the girl thinks, oh, how cool, he doesn’t give a damn about me! In fact, this is not true, and it will only get worse.
But all these signs do not appear immediately... If the abuser immediately shows himself in all his “glory,” then, of course, he will not see a relationship. Abusers constantly test the boundaries of what is permitted. And as a result, they are completely erased.
Michelle Michaelis, survived a relationship with an egocentric abuser
At the beginning of the relationship, he was not at all a tyrant and did not even show signs of it. It seemed to me that I had found a man, for the first time in my life, who truly loved me! I didn’t hide the fact that I was a feminist, I could talk about different things, like menstruation and abortion, he listened to everything and understood. Until everything has changed radically.
It seemed that a guy who shares the ideas of equality and feminism could not offend. But now I think this is nonsense.
For the first time I realized that something was wrong by paying attention to his behavior. My friends who introduced us carefully hid the kind of life he led before me: he took part in fights for money, once set fire to a police station for 50 thousand. They argued that he had allegedly changed and become a different person. My best friend told me everything when my boyfriend and I had a fight because of his humiliation. After that, of course, I stopped communicating with him. For a month and a half. My psyche was healthy, I understood that this person was hurting me.
Since we didn’t communicate, we caused a lot of discomfort to our friends. And I decided to restore communication so that people around me would not suffer. Since then, complete horror began, from which I am still recovering.
One day he collected money for my operation behind my back. It’s not hard to guess that I didn’t need any surgery. Twice he raised his hand to me. He wanted to be with me every second, although I said that I was tired of annoying communication.
Everything revolved around him, he was a great actor. Or rather, magnificently bad. When I started talking about the fact that we needed to break up, for the next hour I had to look at the imaginary pain in my heart and listen to the fact that his psyche was undermined.
Of course, there was no question of any gifts. This is stupid, but in the entire history of our communication, I received a chocolate bar. Although she herself gave sincere and pleasant gifts very often. In the end it turned out that I had to feed him, pay for his travel... He actually lived with me and I had to quit my job.
One day I found out that he was texting with his ex. As always, he found a thousand and one excuses! And I again assured myself that I loved him, and love cannot be simple! I did everything he wanted, but in the end I got knives in the back.
Finally, my friend wrote to him. And when I saw the flirting in his messages, I couldn’t stand it and broke up with him.
I was afraid that no one would love me “that way” anymore.
He never apologized! Only once, when correspondence with a friend was revealed, he said “yes, I messed it up.” And it's all! Everything he said to the crying girl. One day he came to my house because I couldn’t call or write to him all day. I said that I didn’t want and couldn’t meet him. In response, he began to cry. Another time, when I again insisted on breaking up, he sat down in the corner of my room. At that time, to be honest, I stopped reacting to this theater and started doing my work at home. A couple of hours later he got up and told me that it seemed to him that faces were looking at him from the walls and only when he hugged me did he feel better. I know that he does not have any mental illness. It was real abuse, with scandals every 3-4 days.
After parting with him, I was left completely alone. We could no longer maintain relationships with our friends. These “break up and make up” stories would never end. Apart from my parents, with whom I did not communicate, I had no one.
When I freed myself from the abuser, I stopped drinking. I went in for sports. I draw, I delved into studying English. I made a bunch of foreign friends and practice languages with them. I look for solace in old music, like Quinn and David Bowie.
After our last conversation, where I said that I didn’t deserve to treat myself like that, I realized what I wanted from life. I cried all evening, at night I literally became exhausted and fainted. The next morning I cleaned out the entire apartment and sorted out the wardrobe. Now I literally need to flee the city to get rid of the bullying of his friends. I have new acquaintances and support. Soon I will move and leave this story behind.
Personal experience: how to identify and neutralize an abuser
It is very difficult to identify an abuser from the very beginning. I believe that these are well socialized psychopaths.
I know one thing for sure - if a person who has committed an offense does not apologize and does not try to change, but finds a bunch of excuses with the words “it’s more complicated than it seems at first glance,” you don’t need to listen to anything. Run! They will always convince you that you are a psychopath, that you are the stupid one. You will begin to doubt your adequacy, your worldview. If he hates his ex too much, it's also worth considering.
I also think that you should stay away from egocentric people. If you, having started a conversation about your depression, switch to his mental state and talk about it the rest of the evening, feeling sorry for him, he is an abuser. Also, you should not trust men who immediately want to start the “stage of a serious relationship.” Most likely, they are looking for a reason to justify their jealousy and nervousness.
Interviewer: Seda Vlasova
Author of the article: Pink.ua
Who can be an abuser?
The abuser has no gender: it can be either a man or a woman—your colleague, friend, spouse, or even relative. They are skilled manipulators, their goal is to squeeze out as much emotion as possible and to assert themselves at your expense.
Yana Slyusareva, practicing psychologist:
Abusers typically come from two personality types: psychopaths and narcissists. The former have no problems with themselves: they do not take responsibility for their actions, are not inclined to introspection - they do not look for problems in themselves. Therefore, it is very difficult for them to build relationships with others. In addition, psychopaths have a flat spectrum of feelings: they experience only negative emotions. No matter what you do, love will never come to a psychopath.
Narcissism in a person manifests itself in excessive self-love. Although in reality such people are very insecure inside and depend on other people’s opinions. In their life, the main goal is success, and often their victims are those who have achieved success in life, are bright and successful.
By the way, the cause of abusive behavior is not always childhood trauma or family script processes, as everyone is accustomed to believe. Scientists have not yet established the exact causes of such behavioral disturbances.
Overcome shame
Many victims of psychological violence do not tell what they experienced, even to relatives and friends. “Unfortunately, our society tolerates violence. From childhood, people get used to the fact that it is acceptable to slightly raise a hand against someone who is weaker than you: they say, how else can you teach reason to a child or wife who behaves inappropriately, but the words do not reach them?! Turn on any talk show: many ordinary people justify rapists, even those whose hands are stained with blood, and sympathize with them immensely, while the victims are branded with shame and contempt. Of course, psychological violence, which does not leave bruises, seems to many to be a made-up problem,”
- says the psychologist.
This is why women who have suffered from “bloodless” abuse are overcome with painful shame. They fear that by sharing their story, they will not receive support, but at best, passive condemnation
from “maybe you provoked him?” to “you yourself allowed yourself to be treated like this.”
schmidtandclark.com
Look for a way to convince yourself that any violence, including verbal violence, is unacceptable
.
When you accept this conviction not only mentally, but emotionally, there will be no trace of shame left. Communicate with sisters in misfortune who, before you, decided to put an end to humiliation and devaluation against them and have achieved success, undergo a course of psychotherapy, get acquainted with books and films that touch on the topic of domestic violence. “Try
to see yourself, your situation from the outside .
If what opens to your eyes outrages you and fills you with compassion for yourself, your determination to change your life will increase,” Nadezhda Georgieva assures.
How to recognize abuse?
Some abusers are visible right away - already at the beginning of a relationship. As a rule, they hide behind masks of being kind, sensitive and loving.
Yana Slyusareva, practicing psychologist:
At first, the abuser will seem perfect. Give gifts, pay attention to every little detail, conquer. You need to remember: such people very often make loud declarations of love and quickly move on to talking about the future: meeting their parents, moving, marriage, children.
Teenager. Violence.
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The problems will start a little later. The abuser will be offended and reproach: you don’t love me, you don’t think about me, you don’t want to spend time with me. Most likely, he will stop supporting - on the contrary, he will begin to make fun of and humiliate. In this case, one way or another, you will remain to blame: failures in business, spoiled mood or life in general.
Yana Slyusareva, practicing psychologist:
Another indicator is the attitude towards others. If a person cruelly treats animals or children, throws mud at his past chosen ones, is envious and shifts his responsibility to third parties, but he himself is never to blame for anything, you can safely start sounding the alarm.
Another indicator is ubiquitous control. The abuser will try his best to monitor your behavior, your language, your finances, your time. Can impose his opinion on friends and family, try to protect, isolate from loved ones.
Jail.
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Perhaps he will try to “close” his victim at home: he will offer to leave work, he will be against hiking and walking even in the company of a long-familiar company. Abusers are jealous, even when there is no reason for it. They may spy on you under the guise of “honest and open relationships.” Reading your personal SMS, exchanging social network passwords - all with the words: “I love you. We have nothing to hide from each other.”
Yana Slyusareva, practicing psychologist:
Such people are changeable in their mood - it deteriorates very quickly, often out of nowhere. After communicating with such a person, you may feel discomfort and even anxiety. If you catch yourself doing this, try to figure out what exactly caused it, ask yourself: “What is happening to me now?”
Relationship stages
Listening to stories of girls and women living for years with abusers and not leaving, many people wonder why they tolerate this. There is an explanation for this, and it is not a matter of weak character, as one might think. Abusers do not immediately show their true colors, they wait until their partner becomes attached, and then gradually reveal themselves. It is also difficult to identify the problem, because often abusers do not move on to physical violence, but limit themselves to psychological violence.
Important: Abusive relationships always develop in the same way, and there are several stages.
Idealization
From the first day they meet, they begin to shower you with compliments, immediately confess their feelings, and quickly begin and develop relationships. The abuser always says that this is the kind of girl he was looking for, that you are the best. He strives to move in together, get married, and have a child as soon as possible.
Start of tension
Gradually, the abuser begins to show his true colors. He may ignore you, not ask for your opinion, yell, or stop doing the things he used to do. Starts to criticize.
Act of violence
He openly begins to insult or disappears without explanation. He can show disrespect in any way, in some cases leading to physical violence. At the same time, he blames you for everything.
Reconciliation
Feeling that he may lose the victim, the abuser begins to apologize, make promises, and shower him with gifts.
Honeymoon
After reconciliation, for a certain period the abuser behaves in an exemplary manner. He again compliments, helps, makes concessions.
Then the scenario is repeated in a circle, but without idealization. And over time, the honeymoon cycles become shorter and the periods of violence become longer. The victim can endure such relationships all his life, because the abuser promises to fix everything in moments of reconciliation, and an ideal relationship during the “honeymoon” period gives false hope that everything can be fine.
Who can become a victim of abuse?
Anyone can find themselves in the place of a victim. People who grew up in similar relationships and families are especially vulnerable. However, breaking the connection is not easy. If you see one or more of the signs we mentioned, carefully analyze the person’s behavior.
Yana Slyusareva, practicing psychologist:
If you realize that you have linked your life with an abuser, leave. Do not have any illusions that a person will change, even if he swears to do so. The longer you stay in such a relationship, the more dependence will be developed. Have you read about beauty and the beast, where everything ends with a happy ending? In reality, tyrants do not change.
It is difficult to leave a relationship for those who are afraid of public opinion, condemnation and publicity. For those who are afraid of loneliness or financial dependence on their chosen one. It is difficult for a woman with children to say goodbye to men. Like, “who needs me with such baggage?”
Some remain victims because of hidden benefits: empathy, support, drawing attention to themselves and their problems. Compared to the aggressor, the victim is always in a positive light.
Sadness. Depression. Mask
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Signs of an abusive relationship
Abusers in 90% of cases are men, so you need to know who an abusive man is in a relationship with a woman , and there are several signs that will help you figure it out.
Depreciation
Such a man will never appreciate you and what you do. He believes that you earn pennies, your hobbies are nonsense, and in general you are incapable of anything.
Important: He also devalues your emotions, if you cry, then he says that you are crying because of nonsense, if you are offended, then you are making a mountain out of a molehill.
Selfishness
He never asks for your opinion, but only confronts you with a fact. He makes his own decisions, both small and vital. He is absolutely not interested in what you want, he only thinks about his own convenience.
Criticism
He criticizes your appearance, behavior, culinary abilities. At first he presents criticism in the form of jokes, but then they become more serious and rude.
Double standards
You are constantly faced with situations where he can, but you can’t. The abuser feels superior to you. Therefore, he calmly declares that he can go have fun, but you can’t, he can buy himself an expensive thing, but you can’t.
Control
He constantly wants to know where you are and with whom. You are required to always report your location and be available at all times. He also begins to limit your social circle, telling you who you can communicate with and who you can’t, and prohibiting you from leaving the house.
Imposing feelings of guilt
In any conflict situation, you are to blame. Even if he yelled at you, insulted you, then you are still to blame. Abusers also like to demand gratitude even for things that you did not ask to do. If he doesn't receive gratitude, he will talk about how ungrateful you are.
Also often, abusive men use economic violence, that is, they forbid a woman to work. They present this as caring for their beloved, but in reality they make the woman dependent.
Is it possible to rehabilitate an abuser?
Such people don't change. If simply walking away seems overwhelming, try the dark stone method. It will simply allow the offender to become bored.
Yana Slyusareva, practicing psychologist:
Your main task is not to give the abuser a response: hysterics, tears and other emotions that he seeks. This is a sick man. And everything he tells you has nothing to do with reality - there is no point in being offended by him. Moreover, this also fuels him. For greater effect, stop being flashy for a while: dress discreetly, talk to him only about everyday routine.
The first reaction may be a conflict provoked by the abuser in order to, so to speak, bring you to your senses. But if you stand your ground, he will have no choice but to look for a new victim.
Woman, violence.
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It will be very difficult to go through this path alone, so surround yourself with close people and do not neglect the help of qualified specialists. You need to carefully consider your escape routes in case things don't go according to plan.
You may even have to save money and decide in advance where you will live and work. However, it is not always possible to end a relationship with a toxic person. For example, your child may be an abuser.
Yana Slyusareva, practicing psychologist:
It is impossible to get out of such a relationship. Here we can only talk about mental defense mechanisms. The abuser is fed by your reaction and emotions. This means you need to stop giving them.
It is important to explain to your child that you cannot behave this way. After the crisis in the relationship passes, he will make the right attitudes towards relationships with other people.
Common Mistakes
What you shouldn’t do to finally get rid of an abuser:
- Sort things out . Telling the abuser before breaking up about all the negativity that the partner has accumulated over the years of pressure is not the best option. This can lead to conflict with unpredictable consequences.
- Give in to persuasion . The abuser may kneel and crawl at his partner's feet, begging him to return. We should not forget that this is just another method of psychological pressure.
- Meet . You can't date an abuser after a breakup. Seeing his victim, he can go to any extreme. The maximum is a phone call, which you can always cancel.
- Blame yourself . Every person has a moral limit. People shouldn't feel guilty about being bullied for years. The abuser only got what he sought.
