Betrayal of friends - what could be more offensive! If we play with elementary associations, then next to the word “friend” we will put “faithful” or “devoted”, as next to the word “bird” - “chicken”.
In our culture, friends are practically part of the family circle, unlike Western society, where a different rule applies: friendship is friendship, but individual interests come first.
What does “betray” mean? Literally it means “to cease to be faithful, to give up, to abandon.”
We experience the first trauma of betrayal with our parents: for example, the mother pays more attention to the father than to the child. Or younger children appear in the family. The baby begins to feel abandoned, abandoned and unnecessary.
As adults, we often react as we did in childhood: with resentment, anger and despair. The betrayal of a friend hurts no less than the “betrayal” of parents, and even more.
It would seem that a friend is someone who certainly must remain faithful. Finally you have found a person you can trust! And here - stop.
Stories about betrayal often run through this theme: he or she “should” have loved you and put you at the center of their world, as if friends were parents obligated to sacrifice their interests for you.
Friendship and betrayal are almost always a story about childhood trauma. This mechanism in psychology is called projection: we “put on” the image of a mother who should be faithful to us.
And if friends in some circumstances put themselves first, and not friendship, then it hurts us very much: a friend has betrayed us! Although, by and large, you did not sign any oaths of allegiance in blood.
At the same time, expecting a minimum of loyalty from friends is quite an adequate thing. Faza Rosta analyzed 10 stories about friends and betrayal that are impossible to predict! The collapse of expectations always happens suddenly.
Best friend slept with his wife
Nikolai and I have been friends since seventh grade. Then I had problems with the older boys: they made some claims against me and were going to beat me after school.
And Kolya said: I will be with you. And if they beat you, then let them beat me too. Otherwise, what are friends for? I will remember this for the rest of my life!
And now I’m 40 years old, and I accidentally saw a message on my wife’s Viber. Kolya wrote: “Darling, the apartment will be free. Tell Seryozha that you will go to the cosmetologist. I miss your lace panties!”
I beat Nikolai and divorced my wife. I don't believe in friendship anymore. I believe that friendship and betrayal are synonymous.
Sergey, 40 years old
How to survive?
The plot about the betrayal of the best friend and wife is archetypal, that is, it occurs at all times. But such circumstances fall out of the blue on the participants in the events themselves.
Sergei experienced a double betrayal: the loss of both a friend and a woman. It's unlikely that anything can be fixed here. It is important to find the resource within yourself to leave this situation in the past.
In psychoanalysis, such a plot is associated with an unresolved Oedipus complex. What does it mean? The boy enters into competition with his father for his mother's love. Does this sound like the plot of this story?
The unprocessed “Oedipus” can be repressed into the unconscious and “shoot out” in just such situations.
Psychoanalysis is psychoanalysis, but this does not change the fact that the friend and wife acted, to put it mildly, shamelessly. Forgiving is not necessary, but letting go and moving on is the right thing to do.
Let's talk a little about betrayal
What to do if your friends betrayed you?
In people's understanding, betrayal has different meanings. For some it is deception, for others it is betrayal, and for others it is failure to fulfill your whims and desires. This is, first of all, undermining trust through some action, a series of actions, or an incorrectly chosen word. After betrayal, a person begins to delve into himself. Look for the reason for what happened, which, of course, affects self-esteem. He doubts that he is worthy of friendship and respect, since his best friend betrayed him. Feels guilty for what happened. But psychologists advise to first calm down and not look for reasons.
Girlfriend flirts with my boyfriend
In my first year at the institute, I fell in love with a young man with whom my best friend Alena was in love. They didn’t have anything yet, but Alenka already considered it hers.
He invited me to dance at one of the parties. I agreed, although I knew that my friend had a crush on him. But I believed that there was nothing seditious in one dance.
What started here! Alena threw me into complete hysterics. They never started dating that guy, but I remember that scandal well. She accused me of betrayal, although in the end we made peace.
And we agreed, as it seemed to me, for the rest of our lives: not to fight off each other’s guys.
Now I live with a young man. And it seems to me that Alena is actively making eyes at him! I tell her: how can this be? She replies that nothing like that happened, and it seemed to me. However, “it seemed to me” both the second and third time.
In the end, I broke up with her. And now I'm grieving. How to survive a friend's betrayal?
Tatyana, 25 years old
How to survive?
It's a shame that an agreement was concluded - not to beat off the guys, but one of the partners, it turns out, violated it. Although there are a lot of nuances in this situation.
Maybe the friend really didn’t try to fight off the young man, but simply behaved in accordance with her instinctive feminine program?
Sometimes flirting is just a way to have a good time and doesn't mean anything more. Many women flirt unconsciously, and blaming them for it is useless.
It is important for Tatyana to have a heart-to-heart talk with her friend and find out: does Alena understand how her behavior looks from the outside?
There is also a question about relationships in couples. Stories about betrayal by friends may turn out to be stories about distrust of a partner.
What reaction might occur?
We have already talked about the desire for revenge. Along with this, there are:
- Anger and anger. In a state of passion, a person is capable of committing the most terrible crimes. Firstly, this will negatively affect your emotional state and health, and secondly, by harming the offender, you will only make an enemy. Just forget about betrayal.
- Hatred. Generates evil.
- Resentment. It is known to destroy a person from the inside.
You need to learn to forgive. This is difficult and may not work out right away, but this is the only way you will be able to relieve internal burden, get rid of bad thoughts and emotions, and mental pain. So, what to do if your best friend betrays you?
A friend got married!
Of course, this sounds a little strange, but I consider it a betrayal... The marriage of my best friend.
Not marriage itself, of course, but the fact that after marriage she completely stopped giving me time and does not take my feelings into account.
We have been friends since childhood and spent almost all our free time together. And now she even reacts dryly to my phone calls. I don't demand that she go with me to concerts and restaurants every day like I used to.
But is a man a reason to cut a girlfriend out of life?
Marina, 32 years old
How to survive?
Oh, this jealousy! Like a three-year-old child who suddenly realized that mom and dad were closing their bedroom door for some reason.
Unfortunately, everything in this life sometimes ends: both youthful friendship and blissful ignorance that someone can belong to you entirely.
If Marina can accept the fact that her friend, in fact, does not owe her anything, the relationship will be able to improve and move into a new format. Friendship can be not only youthful, but also adult: with respect for the personal space of the other.
Revenge is a dish served cold
I hope that none of you are even thinking about taking revenge, but I’ll still say a few words.
Taking revenge on someone for something is as stupid as running after a train that left 5 minutes ago. Is it true!
The bitterness of resentment can be dispelled by going to a concert or sports training. After a couple of weeks, the anger will subside, and after a couple of months (if it was a serious betrayal, usually much faster), you will already remember this as another, albeit not the most pleasant, incident in life.
If your pain is so great that thoughts of revenge do not leave you, then think: maybe your honor and dignity have been hurt. In this case, the best solution would be to talk about the situation with someone close: your parents, a psychologist, or someone you truly trust.
Now in many cities there are free centers where psychologists and psychotherapists are available. And such conversations help in almost 100% of cases.
Friends spread gossip
My friends and I are like in the movie “The Irony of Fate” - we go to the bathhouse. And not only on December 31, but every week. The conversations we have in the sauna are the most intimate.
I thought that I could trust my men, and the content of our conversations would not go beyond these walls. But the reality turned out to be sadder.
It turns out that my (now ex) friend Sasha was telling his wife about my problems with my girlfriend, and my friend Dima (also ex) managed to tell his mutual acquaintances what a loser I am because I don’t earn much.
Sergey, 24 years old
How to survive?
If there was no agreement to keep a secret, then there is no one and nothing to blame. It seems that Sergei is ashamed of his problems and does not want them to be known to a wide circle. A completely understandable desire!
It is possible that the friends did not want to offend at all: they were simply not aware of how intimate things were being shared with them, and how important confidentiality was.
Although discussing someone behind their back is, in any case, basic bad manners.
A friend gave up on business
I am 35 years old and have always been an employee. And so I wanted to finally start working for myself! For a long time I couldn’t figure out what kind of business to open - all the ideas seemed somehow unprofitable.
But one day it dawned on me: why reinvent the wheel? You can follow the beaten path! And I took out the money I had saved, added some credit, and opened a hamburger stand not far from my house.
The location was good: there was not a single street food outlet in the surrounding area.
But this did not last long. I have a friend, Alexey. I even considered him a friend. He knew about all my plans, moreover, he advised a bank where I could get a loan at low interest rates.
And suddenly! A few months after I started trading, he opened his own shawarma stall. Where would you think? 100 meters from my hamburgers! He could not help but understand that he would take clients away from me.
I think he should have at least discussed his plans with me! I think my ex-friend betrayed me.
Vasily, 35 years old
How to survive?
Of course, the person could not help but understand that he would compete with his friend. On the other hand, he himself will have to compete.
In the context of business, this is called the free market, but in the context of relationships, the friend’s action is not the most disrespectful.
It is difficult to call such behavior with the big word “betrayal”: it is unlikely that Vasily and his comrade owe each other anything. At the same time, the situation shows quite clearly: in a friend’s value system, money is more important than relationships.
And a discrepancy in fundamental things usually brings friendship to naught even without any specific actions.
Think about yourself
Betrayal from friends can make anyone depressed. Therefore, it is important, first of all, to take care of yourself: try to calm down and do everything possible to get out of this state. Learn to live and enjoy life without your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend.
Don't wonder why you were betrayed. It would be a big mistake to try to find out the reasons for this action. It is unlikely that a traitor will openly say that he was jealous of your successes or wanted to take revenge for the fact that he was once ignored. If a person did this, it means that he does not value friendship. He has already cut you out of his life, he should probably do the same.
My friend fired me from her job
For a long time I could not find something to do that I liked and was unemployed. One day, my friend, who manages a fairly large company, suggested: Anya, how about I hire you as my assistant?
According to a friend, she cannot trust anyone, since each of her colleagues is aiming for her chair. And she could trust me as a family member.
I, a stupid woman, agreed. I thought - why not help? And then it began. My friend sent me a barrage of criticism.
Either I sent the documents at the wrong time, then I didn’t answer her call in the middle of the night, or I looked at my colleague with the wrong look. A friend set me some absolutely impossible tasks!
One fine day she told me: “Anya, I’m disappointed in you and have to fire you.” It was like a bolt from the blue!
During my time working in this company, I was forced to refuse two very tempting offers. I didn’t want to quit and betray my friend! And it turned out that she betrayed me.
Anna, 31 years old
How to survive?
Business hierarchical relationships with friends or relatives are always fraught with tension.
Expectations are high on both sides: the boss often expects selfless devotion and sacrifice from his subordinate friend, while the subordinate friend expects concessions and special conditions.
In addition, questions not of friendship, but of status come to the fore: why is she, the boss, commanding me? On what basis does a subordinate behave in a familiar manner?
Both lose! Issues of work, status and hierarchy have destroyed more than one friendship.
Why? Because in close relationships we often dissolve our boundaries, but at work we try to strictly observe them. This results in a dangerous confusion of contexts.
A friend didn’t help me get a good job
For several months I dreamed of taking the position of sales director in a foreign company. Legends were made about this company in our circles - they spoke well of literally everything: from the size of bonuses to the scope of corporate events.
But most importantly, I liked the product itself. This was what I know how to sell and want to sell. It seemed to me that this job was literally created for me. But there was never an opportunity to get there.
And then I find out that the head of the HR department in that company is my old friend from college. We didn’t communicate for some time, but we didn’t quarrel, and I still have the warmest memories of my student friendship.
I thought I had caught my luck by the tail! But my friend refused my request to recommend my candidacy to management. He motivated the refusal by saying that he would feel embarrassed if I failed to cope with the tasks.
I've never encountered anything like this! In my understanding, friends should help! Otherwise, it turns out that your friend betrayed you?
Andrey, 30 years old
How to survive?
One gets the feeling that Andrei confused betrayal with elementary refusal. There is nothing unexpected in the fact that the person did not want to mix friendly and business relationships.
Each of us has the right to take care of our status and reputation, even to the detriment of the interests of others. The friend didn’t want to take risks: what if Andrei turned out to be incompetent? Then the reputation of the HR person who recommended him will suffer.
For adults, refusal is usually not a reason to break off friendships.
Results
- The hurt and anger you feel is normal. Do not take out your anger on others, but consult a psychologist. Sometimes one conversation will be enough to get answers.
- Don't hold on to people. Don't try to be friends forever. This happens extremely rarely. Have you seen unhappy married couples who live together out of habit? This happens with friendship too. And no one can admit that these meetings no longer bring pleasure. Or it happens that one person is friends with another out of a sense of some kind of obligation. It’s easier to gently explain that you are driven by other ideas and thoughts. And if betrayal happens, then perceive it as a blessing, and not as a punishment.
- No revenge, gossip or hatred. Keep it up! Pride is a acquired thing, it is quite easy to lose it. A man of honor (and this, by the way, has not changed over time) will never discuss another. If you need to throw out your emotions, then go to a psychologist or choose an activity that helps you get rid of anger. Don't respond to anger with anger.
- To forgive or not to forgive betrayal is up to you to decide. Listen to your inner voice! Sometimes even the facts are not as accurate as our 6th sense.
- Under no circumstances blame yourself for what happened! It's all the same with you! You are definitely not a bad person. All people on the planet experience betrayal, this is our experience.
A friend complained to her boss
Over the past couple of years, I have become close friends with my colleague. We have almost the same positions, we are both account managers in an advertising agency. We became such close friends that I began to trust her with all my secrets!
Once I made a big mistake in my work. I quickly corrected it, and no one knew about the existence of the error except my friend.
But one day at a planning meeting, my boss publicly reprimanded me! It turns out he learned everything from my colleague. I think that I have encountered betrayal, and I do not need such friendship.
Katerina, 29 years old
How to survive?
It’s a shame when you are “surrendered” to your mother, teacher, boss. Perhaps the friend was guided by her own career interests, perhaps she wanted to increase her importance in the eyes of her boss.
But whatever her motives, betrayal remains betrayal. Here all that remains is to sympathize and advise not to give up trusting people in the future.
Friend didn't help with money
My school friend became a fairly wealthy man. And I work in an average job with an average salary. Money issues have never been an obstacle to our friendship.
In any case, my salary allows me to pay for myself in a restaurant, and I have never envied big money.
But one day I needed a large sum for my mother’s treatment abroad. I wanted to borrow from Dmitry, but he said that his principle is not to help with money and not to lend. In the end everything was fine with my mother, but our friendship came to an end.
Mikhail, 42 years old
How to survive?
A classic phrase can be said about such a story: a friend did not help in trouble. We live in a society in which well-known laws apply: do not do evil, do good.
Helping a friend, and even a friend in need, is one of these unspoken cultural norms.
Given the context of the situation, such behavior can be called antisocial. Of course, our world is quite cruel, but there should be warmth and support in it!
It is difficult to survive the betrayal of a friend, but time is always a good doctor.
My friend won't give me a large sum
My story is as old as time. I lent a large sum of money to a friend; she needed it for her children’s education. We agreed that he would give it back in a year.
After the specified time, she stopped answering my calls and messages. Another year has passed. I don't feel sorry for the money as much as I feel for the relationship. 20 years of friendship!
Svetlana, 39 years old
How to survive?
Indeed, money does not buy happiness. But in them too! Svetlana should contact law enforcement. Still, embezzling other people's money is a real crime.
The friendship has come to an end anyway; it is unlikely that after such deception it is possible to restore the relationship. Betrayal can hurt our feelings even more than financial abuse. And taking possession of someone else's property is violence.
It is important to find the strength to move on: to continue to believe in friendship, love and people.
If one friend turns out to be a traitor, this does not mean that loyalty does not exist in principle. Team Growth Phase, Growth Phase
To understand and to forgive?
This conclusion suggests itself. From childhood we are taught to forgive offenders, to be kinder and more tolerant of other people's weaknesses and mistakes. There is, of course, a rational grain in this: by doing this, you will cope with the pain faster. As you know, hidden resentment lives for a very long time and slowly but surely destroys us from the inside.
But all this is in theory. But in reality, forgiving a loved one for betrayal can be very, very difficult. Especially if you have a lot in common. Some people, moreover, have a keen sense of justice, and in their understanding, betrayal is precisely what can never be forgiven. And this also makes sense: any relationship should be built on trust, and after betrayal it is extremely difficult to trust someone again.
How to be? The truth, as usual, is somewhere in the middle. Speaking globally, by communicating closely with people, we have to learn to accept them with all their shortcomings and weaknesses. And don't demand too much from them. In each particular case, the technique that is called coping in psychology works most effectively. In other words, it is necessary to experience and extract useful experience from the situation to the maximum. It is worth sensibly assessing how dear this person is to you and whether you are ready to give him another chance. If the trauma caused was too painful, and you feel that you are not yet ready to forget what happened, it makes sense to end the relationship, at least for a while.
What you definitely shouldn’t do is go to extremes. You should not give in to negative emotions - resentment, self-pity, guilt, depression. All this significantly delays the “recovery” process. But it is also pointless to immediately step over the inflicted insult. “By pushing your experiences into the far corner, you will not get rid of them, and you will suffer from the consequences for a long time.
