Why are we less friends?
Almost 8 billion people live on Earth today, but it seems that we have never been so divided. And it’s not just about quarantine measures.
American researchers have calculated that over the past 30 years, the number of close friends people have has decreased from 3 to 1.
We have begun to think less collectively; the individual, the person, rather than some group, comes to the fore. And despite the fact that it is now easier than ever to call someone on another continent or have intimate conversations at any time face-to-face via video, it is very troublesome for the modern city dweller to make friends.
First, relationships require self-disclosure and a high degree of honesty. At the same time, we now expect absolute security: a loved one should not be toxic or devaluing, otherwise the relationship will bring us suffering.
Secondly, friendship is an expensive business. She needs to sacrifice hours of joint conversations, common affairs and entertainment. Researcher Jeffrey Hall from the University of Kansas found out in 2021 that for a simple acquaintance to develop into a friendly relationship, we need about 50 hours of communication. Another 40 hours will be needed for a friendship to be called friendship, and to be considered close friends, the counter needs to be increased to 200 hours. And if this time is not particularly pleasant, nothing will come of it.
In addition, more priority relationships can get in the way of friendship.
In 2010, Oxford anthropologist Robin Dunbar found that a new romantic partner displaces two friends from our inner circle.
We may be more willing to invest in loving relationships. It’s easy to tell your friends: “I have a date, so let’s put off bowling,” but try telling your girlfriend a couple of hours before a romantic meeting: “Sorry, but today I just want to relax with my friends, find out how Kolyan’s dog is doing...”
Why do you need friends?
Since friendship is so complex and costly, perhaps there is no point in investing in it? Researchers believe that this is not so: good company has no worse effect on a person than a gym membership (especially considering the fact that the membership remains unused). Scientists from Brigham Young University (USA) calculated that people with weak social ties have a 50% higher risk of early death than those who have loyal friends. Such relationships are closely related to our sense of happiness or, as scientists say, level of well-being.
In 2021, German scientists from the Max Planck Institute conducted an experiment in which participants tried to become more satisfied with life in a year. One group invested in their career, self-realization, and increased earnings, while the other spent more time with friends and family. A year later, scientists surveyed people again and found out that those who focused on communication rather than on personal growth were happier.
However, when talking about friendship, we first think not about the joys of life, but about difficult moments. In 2013, VTsIOM asked Russians why they need friends.
First of all, the respondents recalled the difficult moments of life, help and mutual assistance. It is important for us to feel that we can rely on a friend.
But even if trouble has not yet come, friends are already bringing us a lot of benefits.
What is friendship?
There is one philosophical idea that says that you can force a person to do anything, but not love. Love is voluntary. We love our friends too, our comrades reciprocate if they are real. Accordingly, friendship can appear only at the behest of the heart. Sincerely and selflessly. If one person associates with another because he is rich or successful, this is not friendship. Only voluntary relationships built on mutual interest and sympathy can be like that.
How we choose friends
How can you tell if this is a real friend, or if he “suddenly turned out to be neither a friend nor an enemy, but just like that”? Can we knock on his door if we need help? Scientists believe that many surprises can await us at this moment.
Often we misinterpret the signs of others, and the person whom we considered a faithful comrade may think completely differently: he forgot that you have already spent the “required” number of hours together, or believes that you are just working together. Scientists at Tel Aviv University and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology said in 2016 that our intuition deceives us about half of the time. Those with whom we are ready to go on reconnaissance do not consider us close people at all. And in this case, our relationship is not a two-way street, but a pathetic single-track.
So we decide: “This person is my friend.” But what does this depend on? Who do we sign up as friends?
In 2011, Canadian scientists conducted four studies to prove what you noticed back in seventh grade: physically similar people try to get closer to each other. The researchers observed students in different settings: classrooms and laboratories. Each time the result was the same: those who wore glasses and belonged to the same sex sat next to each other.
When we find ourselves in an unfamiliar situation, things like gender, race, hair length and color, and even glasses will determine which table we sit at.
However, we make this choice without thinking. If you grab a man by the button and ask why he is walking towards a crowd of red bearded men, he will only shrug his shoulders and rub his beard.
We are accustomed to thinking that we need to communicate with a variety of people. In 2021, the British company Ipsos Mori surveyed about 20 thousand people from 27 countries, including Russia, about how they choose their mates. The majority answered that they were ready to be friends with different people, and half said that they would listen to other people’s opinions, even if they did not agree with them. But further questioning revealed that we are not particularly eager for other opinions: it turned out that we more often choose people of the same age and level of education as us.
Neuroscientists from Dartmouth College conducted a study in 2021 - they placed young people in an MRI machine and showed them various videos: music videos, political propaganda and cool moments from movies, while the subjects' brain activity was measured. It turned out that the more similar the neural responses to the same content were, the closer the relationships between people were. The connection was so clear that the researchers were able to accurately predict not only whether people were friends with each other, but also the social distance between them.
This explains why we confidently send Dimon stupid videos with a hiccupping panda, although neither his brother nor his mother appreciated them.
One of the most significant scientific concepts of recent years with regard to human needs is the theory of self-determination by American scientists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan. She says that we have three universal needs that directly affect our motivation, behavior and ability to experience happiness:
- autonomy,
- competence,
- belonging (connection).
Through belonging, we can feel that we are not alone, but part of a community—for example, one that knows the panda joke, sits in the second row from the left, or has a gray beard. It supports our sense of identity and helps answer the question of who we are and what we are doing here. It is not surprising that Israeli scientists, who found that we are often mistaken about those close to us, complained: those whom we nevertheless signed up as friends are capable of exerting a powerful influence on us. And it will be higher than, for example, the motivating influence of money.
Where to look for new acquaintances
So, we're done with the theoretical part, let's move on to practice. Let's find out where an adult can find friends if his social circle is limited to household members, colleagues and the cashier at the supermarket.
In the Internet
Perhaps, in modern realities, this is the first thing that may come to mind. There is no shame in meeting people online! This has long become the norm. People start communicating on various forums, in comments to public posts, and playing online games.
There are also special sites for friendly dating. For example:
- On TourBar you can find travel companions and meet people from different cities around the world.
- Friendler is a system for geographically searching for friends with similar interests, where you can find a company for sports or creativity, a companion for games, walks, going to the movies, etc.
- On traditional dating sites, such as Badoo, Topface, Mamba, Fotostrana, people are looking for not only a couple for romantic meetings, but also friends.
More than 100 cool lessons, tests and exercises for brain development
Start developing
In the area of interest
What do you like to do? What new things would you like to do? What attracts you? Sign up for language courses, origami master classes, buy a membership to a fitness club or yoga studio.
In my city there is a tea house where you can not only buy tea and ethnic goods, but also sit and chat. Sometimes people even gather there to watch films. Find out if there are similar intimate institutions in your city.
Volunteering
Among people engaged in a common good cause, it is very difficult to remain without acquaintances. There are various volunteer associations: some help homeless animals, others plant trees and go into the forest to collect garbage, some help orphanages, some help the elderly.
There are projects that invite volunteers from all over the country. For example, this year people are coming to the Valaam Monastery in Karelia to work in agriculture.
There are also more extreme options: participants are invited to build mountain trails in the Northern Urals for future excursions. Here you can not only meet new people and find like-minded people, but also get a lot of unforgettable impressions.
other methods
The search sources listed above are suitable for absolutely everyone. There are others too. For example, the bravest and most desperate can try to meet people on the street, on the subway or other public transport. You can buy one movie ticket and meet someone after the show. Or sit at a table in a cafe and watch people sitting alone.
Many people manage to make acquaintances through their friends and relatives. For example, at someone's anniversary or wedding.
Take a closer look, perhaps among your neighbors whom you encounter every day on the landing or in the elevator, there will be those who would not mind getting to know you better.
If you have children, then most often you make acquaintances by yourself: with parents in kindergarten, at school, on the playground, in the yard, at a section or club, etc.
Without friends I am a little bit, but with friends I am a lot
In general, evolutionary scientists believe that we need friends not only to laugh at memes together or to help in return for a favor (today you gave salt to your neighbor, and tomorrow he will lend you washing powder). All this is too small for evolution. After observing dolphins, sharks and monkeys, researchers decided that the role of groups is rather political: complex group alliances help you survive, especially when you swim in foreign waters.
It works in a similar way for people. Psychologist from Brandeis University (USA) Peter De Scioli analyzed profiles on social networks and came to the same conclusion as scientists who observed animals.
We are looking for people who will take our side if something happens.
Well, until the conflict happens, we can just walk together and look good from the outside. This, however, is not a joke, but also the results of a study. Psychologists from the University of California, San Diego, discovered in 2013 the so-called cheerleader effect: if you go out with friends, you look more attractive than when you go alone. And it's not about how you look compared to your girlfriend - this is a general rule. Everyone will seem more beautiful surrounded by others. Isn't this a reason to look around in search of comrades?
