This article is part of the One on One project. In it we talk about relationships with ourselves and others. If the topic is close to you, share your story or opinion in the comments. Will wait!
Some people make lifelong friends at school, others find them among colleagues or simply by chance. Our hero was less fortunate: he had trouble making friends since childhood. People whom he considered close disappeared from his life without a trace or let him down, and in the end he decided to rely only on himself in everything. He doesn’t regret it at all.
Denis
The hero's name has been changed at his request. 24 years. I've come a long way to feel comfortable being alone.
“I couldn’t be called the coolest guy”
I've never been the life of the party. But also for those who are constantly on the sidelines. If we draw a parallel with stereotypical American teen films, I was always between the main and secondary characters. I had some kind of social circle, but I couldn’t be called the coolest guy.
Before school, I was completely immersed in computer games. For me it was the most comfortable and safe way to have fun. My parents tried to socialize me, but they never pressed me: “Come on! Go to some club already!” They simply limited the amount of time I could spend in front of a screen, so I had to find some alternative. In fact, it was great, because without a computer I experienced boredom, which is usually called useful. She allowed me to come up with all sorts of different ways to have fun. I read books, drew, built my own comfortable little world.
Then I went to school, and a huge number of new people suddenly fell upon me, filling the stereotypical class: beautiful girls, nerds, hooligans.
Many children, unlike me, had already crossed paths before in preparatory courses. Therefore, I had to somehow maneuver between the formed groups.
Here my interest in video games worked to my advantage, because in elementary school all the boys played on the computer. During breaks, we constantly discussed who was cutting into what, exchanged CDs, and invited each other to visit.
But I didn’t have my own company. Almost every year I chose a favorite in the class - the person with whom I was most friends. We went to each other's houses or to the movies. Our parents knew each other. But such communication never lasted more than two or three years.
This may be due to the fact that in elementary school children develop especially quickly and their interests are constantly changing. Everyone left for the summer holidays as the same people, and arrived completely different. And every September 1st, it was as if we were all getting to know each other again. You could lock eyes with someone at a school assembly and understand: “Oh, we’ll communicate!” It happened completely spontaneously.
For example, in the fifth grade a boy named Anton came to our school. He was smart, with a good sense of humor. We had a lot of common interests, so we quickly found a common language. The only negative: Anton was always busy. He wanted to become a programmer, so he went to extra classes after school and could never just hang out. Over time, Anton became cramped in our school, and he went to another one.
Illustration: Anna Guridova / Lifehacker
When you're in high school, things like this matter a lot. It seems that the person has gone to live in another world. Therefore, our communication immediately came to naught and we stopped being friends. The strangest thing for me was to realize that we didn’t quarrel - we just parted ways.
Advice from psychologists on how to make friends
When there are no friends at all, psychologists can suggest what to do about this regarding the correction and development of one’s own personality, as well as options for manipulative techniques, the impact on the individual’s consciousness and the development of one’s own charismatic data and communication skills.
Before you engage in serious measures to change your own personality, you need to try simple methods. Perhaps there are no friends because the place of residence has changed and then there is no point in working on increasing self-esteem and undergoing numerous trainings, but it is better to focus on finding places where people with similar interests gather. Such meetings can be found using social networks, where they not only post planned events, but you can also organize them or join a ready-made group, where meetings will be held periodically, which the general public does not know about, because there is no full-scale announcement.
Friends are in places where you feel personally interested, so signing up for several sections that satisfy your personal interests is the best option. A pleasant time is guaranteed, in addition, the place itself and its specifics will select people in advance, and there will be those who have something in common with you, at least an interest in yoga, dancing or cooking (it all depends on the choice of courses) . You don’t have to register anywhere, but spend more time with your pets, just replace single walks with places where dog lovers gather or attend meetings and joint walks of ferrets, rat pups, cats and other animals, and perhaps participate in exhibitions.
Try to diversify your life with travel, because the lack of friends in your region or area may be due to the fact that there are no people who will support your interests or have similar views on the world. It will be difficult for a Buddhist at heart to get along with the alcoholic public of some rural outback of the post-Soviet space; this will cause a feeling of his own otherness and expulsion from society. But as soon as such a person goes on a trip to the corresponding country, everything around him becomes familiar and understandable, because it corresponds to his inner sensations.
If you have no friends at all, it’s unclear what to do, and the listed methods have been tried, then you can start monitoring your own contribution to the interaction. Analyze your relationships with friends or just pleasant people. Note how often they call you and offer to meet and how often the initiative comes from you, what they offer you (treats, pick up, spend the night, visit the dacha), and what you offer (meet while running at lunch break, take money before payday and pour out their difficulties).
Keep track of what and in what quantities you give and receive - the exchange should be equal. This is not only when you don’t call a person, expecting something from him, but also when you constantly call people, come without an invitation, shower them with gifts and pictures in messages - intrusiveness can sometimes scare off much more seriously than coldness.
“There wasn’t a single person I could write to and complain to.”
In high school, things got even more complicated. When you change companies frequently, new people tend to run out. Then you have to make a double effort to talk to those with whom you were once friends. Also, in adolescence, almost everyone develops a personal life, which mercilessly pushes friends into the background. This happened to me too. The lack of constant friendship has developed in me an unhealthy tendency to dramatize everything and seek relationships.
I thought: “Now everything is bad, but girls will appear and everything will change.”
Seeing in a relationship only a way to escape from non-existent troubles, I was actively looking for a girlfriend. And when he found it, he immediately became fixated on it, pushing other people away from him. For example, in the tenth grade I dated a girl. When we broke up, I realized that I had no friends at all. There was not a single person to whom I could write and complain about my problems. If I tried to talk about this with someone I didn’t know, people didn’t care about me at all.
Feeling the loneliness to the fullest, I wrote to my ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend because he was a roofer - he loved to climb onto the roofs of houses. I asked to introduce me to someone who was doing the same thing. He gave me a couple of phones, and two days later we were picking locks together to climb to the very top of the building.
It was a breath of fresh air. I learned that life outside of school can be completely different. Previously, I was surrounded mainly by refined children. All of them are parents’ daughters and sons from decent families who want to get good grades, learn languages, and enter the best universities. And then I encountered a world of completely different people. For example, one roofer had difficulties with speech and hearing, but at the same time he was the most fearless. If it was necessary to crawl along a cornice somewhere on the roof, he always took it upon himself. The other guy was the son of a criminal who was in prison for robbery. We communicated quite well outside the rooftops. He taught me to play the guitar, and I taught him English.
This roofing company brought me a lot of experience. Firstly, I saw a well-coordinated and strong team, united by a very stupid goal - to climb onto the roof and take a photo. This helped me understand that you don't have to be friends with someone to have good communication. Secondly, a group of motley roofers showed me that we were not on the same path as our classmates. I was no longer interested in them.
What to do if you have no friends?
There are never too many true friends, and without friendship, harmony in the soul cannot be achieved. And if there are such people in your environment, then you need to take care of them and reciprocate them. And if not, then you should look for new acquaintances. It's simple.
The topic is broad, but we have some universal tips that will help you make friends at any age. By putting them into practice, you will surround yourself with the right and pleasant people.
- Be yourself. This is important, maybe even the most important thing. There is no need to pretend to be anyone, the truth will still be revealed, and you will disappoint your new acquaintances.
- Always stay connected. Fortunately, now there are all the possibilities for this: telephone, SMS, social networks. Exchange impressions on the Internet, be sure to meet for a “cup of tea,” and plan joint leisure time. This way you will become closer to people. But remember, if you are ignored, there is no need to impose yourself. No one has canceled self-esteem!
- Clearly understand what exactly you value in other people, with whom it is more interesting and easier for you to contact. Based on this, look for friends.
- Don’t make hasty conclusions, don’t judge “by clothes” and trust gossip. The best thing to do is get to know the person better, and then decide whether you need to continue communicating with him or not.
Friendship is a mutually beneficial relationship. Offer help when you see that a person needs it. If this is a true friend, then you can count on help in return.
- And most importantly, don't take it too personally if someone loses interest in you. Perhaps these are not your people at all, and you need to continue the search. And if this upsets you or has already upset you, cheer yourself up! There is no place for melancholy in our lives.
“I decided to never rely on anyone again”
After school I entered university to become a psychologist. There weren't many guys studying with me, so we immediately formed a group and stuck together. The four of us talked for several years, then we split into two duets. How and why this happened - I don’t know. It's just that two guys stopped communicating with the other two. After graduation, we also cut off contact with the remaining classmate due to too different views on life.
The final disappointment in friendship came when I had already graduated from the university and tried my hand at directing courses. There I had a very good friend (as it seemed to me then), with whom we had common interests.
My final work was a web series, which the jury liked. They even gave me money to rent it. But there was a catch: I knew how to work well with my head, but I couldn’t organize everything. I needed a person who would take on such moments. I suggested this to my friend and he agreed.
Then I began to notice that things weren’t moving, and I wrote to that guy: “Where have you gone? We agreed that you would help.” To which he replied: “Sorry, I can’t, I have my own project.” It turned out that he was offered another job and he dumped me. If I hadn’t written to him, he would have simply disappeared without explanation. Although I put not only expectations on our project, but also money.
Then I realized that this was already the hundredth case when a person disappeared from my life without explanation. And it doesn’t matter whether we have any obligations to each other or not. I thought that this was out of the question, and decided never to rely on anyone again. After this, life became much simpler and more interesting.
Why are friends needed?
A bit of a strange question, but it's an important one. Sometimes the value of friendship is underestimated, but we need friends. But why, you ask?
- Friends make us more confident.
Real friends help you relax. They give us strength, make us think positively and generally make us feel better. Friends will always cheer you up and make you laugh if you need it. And if necessary, they will cry with us. - When we tell them something, they listen carefully
, no matter what. Real friends can spend hours listening to our complaints, stories, tantrums, and so on. - We feel good around them
: we don’t have to pretend, we can be ourselves. - They help with advice and deeds
. Sometimes this is extremely important. - No one except a true friend will tell us the truth
. Even the closest people are sometimes unable to express the bitter truth out loud. A friend will say. - After all, friends make us better
! After all, if you want to have real friends, you need to learn not only to take, but also to give. You can't take what you're not willing to give back, that's not how true friendship works.
In general, if you don’t have friends, you can always find them. If you set such a goal. And remember, friendship is one of the aspects of life that makes us happier.
Why difficulties may arise
In your childhood, you made friends very easily; it was enough to play in the same sandbox or jump on a trampoline together. Now things are a little different. Why can difficulties arise and in general, it’s normal if there is no camaraderie.
- At a young age, friendships began literally out of the blue, with the slightest common views, for example, dislike for a certain teacher.
- There is no urgent need for new people to appear in your life. At an earlier age there was a need for social development.
- At an advanced age, it is more difficult to find a person who will fully meet your needs.
Reasons for lack of friendship
If there are no friends, then this was most likely preceded by some event.
- A sad experience, the betrayal of a loved one. There may also be a love for the same person, which will turn friendship into enmity, or in the case when a friend reveals your secrets to a stranger.
- Lack of ability to maintain relationships with other people. Here we can talk about isolation, some character traits, a melancholic type of temperament.
- Fear of trusting a stranger.
- Selfish nature. It is difficult for a person to maintain connections with other people if he is completely fixated on himself.
- The person is an introvert. He practically does not need to communicate with others, as he finds complete satisfaction in his solitude.
To read: Why some men hate women
It's unpleasant to be around me for a long time, so people turn away from me
Maybe the problem isn't that you're selfish, but that you're disgusting. Sometimes these qualities exist together, and sometimes they don’t. An unpleasant person is someone who:
- Gossips about other people
- Does his friends' things
- Spreads a lot of rumors
- Behaving defiantly and rudely towards others
Such people simply do not understand how they fail in their attempts to make real friends. They might have friends, but friendship isn't worth it because the more time people spend with them, the more unpleasant it becomes.
You're too reserved, you're an introvert
It's great to enjoy time alone, and if you enjoy it more than being with others, that's partly why you don't have friends. Try to show people that you are interested in them. Be active in making new friends. Participate in discussions when you're in a group and be mindful of any actions you may take that might embarrass your friends.
After you analyzed everything, a thought probably popped into your head: now I will definitely have good friends!
We hope we helped you understand with these tips why you don’t have friends.
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Poor personal hygiene
Perhaps the reason you have no friends is poor personal hygiene. A good friend can help you and tell you about body odor or bad breath. But new friends won't do this because they don't want to offend you. This means you better take a look at your personal hygiene. Perhaps you will see that this may be a problem with new friends.
Be honest with yourself in this case. If you live without friends for a long time, you may have gotten used to the comfort of wearing the same sweatpants over and over again, without doing laundry, or skipping the occasional shower. But, if you're shopping without a girlfriend, think about your personal hygiene. Make sure you:
- Swim every day (and wash your hair)
- You cut your nails regularly (and have stopped biting them)
- Brush your teeth twice a day
- Chewing gum or mint candy after a “fragrant” lunch
- Wash your hands frequently throughout the day, especially after using the bathroom, digging in dirt, before and after eating, and for other common reasons that can leave stains and odors on your hands.
- Selecting freshly washed clothes, making sure they are ironed and presentable
- Do you get your hair cut regularly?
- Keep an eye on the smell of your feet and regularly update your shoes
Benefits in adulthood
The psychology of an adult is such that relationships established during this period of life may turn out to be stronger than in childhood. Friendship will be conscious and deliberate. And a really important person will be nearby.
Let's look at what the benefits of such a relationship are.
- You can choose friends of different ages and not even adhere to a specific geographical location. Now you are able to find a common language with both young people and older people, both within your city and from another country. In fact, now even the language barrier does not stop you if you have been able to master a foreign language.
- Friendly meetings will be more valuable than the usual gatherings in childhood.
- Relationships will be calmer, without pressure. There will be no resentment if there is no opportunity to meet, because everyone understands the problems of adult life.
- Unlike in school, the new friendships will be based solely on shared interests.
