What is a lie?
A lie or lie is a deliberate distortion of facts that stimulates delusion.
The reasons that prompt a person to embellish reality or hide information are very diverse. But they all have a common motive - to avoid a negative outcome for the individual or others.
The popular magazine National Geographic devoted an entire study to this issue. After conducting various sociological surveys, I identified the main reasons that provoke people to lie. It turned out that there are not so many of them. Six.
Let's take a closer look at them, starting with the least popular.
Pathological liar
Everyone lies! And this is not just a well-known quote from the popular TV series about the brilliant doctor. This is an unpleasant fact of life. However, most people will experience almost physical discomfort from resorting to lies. Because they realize that they are doing wrong. But not pathological liars.
Liars of this level consider lying not just the norm, but the only correct behavior.
It often starts in early childhood. Some parents are not ready to accept the imperfections of their child. For the slightest mistake, the child receives, if not a slap in the face, then certainly insult, unconstructive criticism or punishment. No analysis of the reasons for failure.
It is quite logical that no one wants to be punished all the time. But such a child has no idea how to do it right. So he starts lying. First, the little things. There is less negativity. A pattern of behavior begins to form in the cub’s head: it is better to lie than to feel offended. And then - more.
Lying becomes the norm. It doesn’t matter anymore who you tell lies to, the main thing is to lie. They will insist on their own, even if they have been completely exposed. Because it is incredibly difficult for them to start telling the truth.
This is a serious mental pathology. Only a qualified specialist can help such people.
Noble Lie
There are situations when a person wants to protect a loved one. Protect. For example, relatives of a patient try not to voice a fatal diagnosis to him. A pregnant friend is not told about troubles in her personal life or at work. They cover up for a colleague in front of their superiors, saying that she is at a meeting and did not oversleep.
A noble lie is not for personal gain. It is done solely to protect the feelings of other people. Or help them avoid punishment for minor offenses.
But even here there are pitfalls. Well, for example, information that a friend’s husband is cheating on her. On the one hand, I don’t want to hurt her by telling her such terrible news.
On the other hand, sooner or later everything secret becomes clear. Therefore, tears and suffering still cannot be avoided. But over time, circumstances may arise that aggravate the situation. And why then was it necessary to deceive? And then the feeling of guilt will be added. Or a friend finds out that you knew everything. Here we are talking about a loss of trust. Therefore, you should think carefully before lying. Even if these are the most noble motives.
Polite lies
Little polite lies are an integral part of social life. Without avoiding radical and honest answers, it can be difficult to build harmonious relationships.
Let's imagine the situation. The young man arranged to meet his parents. For dinner, you were served a dish that you genuinely didn’t like. But by showing open dissatisfaction, you will most likely offend the woman who has been standing at the stove for half a day. Moreover, you will earn a reputation for being picky. So you start praising her culinary talents. Or remain tactfully silent, but eat piece by piece so as not to arouse suspicion.
Don't criticize the interior when you come to visit. Do not show dissatisfaction when children make annoying noise. Don't tell your already upset friend that her new hairstyle doesn't suit her at all. And that she hasn't recovered that much. Or that it even suits her.
Such lies are considered acceptable. Even necessary. But the lack of ability to resort to such behavior may indicate pathology. Asperger's syndrome.
You can imagine it very clearly by remembering Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory. Take everything literally. No subtext. Inability and physical inability to understand the psychological state of other people. Experience empathy. Without fear of hurting the feelings of others, a person always speaks only the truth. Even where it would be better to just remain silent.
Maintaining the image
Some people tend to live “in character.” It’s as if all life is a theater, and they are actors in it. In fact, the reason lies in the most common envy and low self-esteem. Deep down in their hearts it seems to them that the truth is too bland. Not worthy of due attention and respect.
So they come up with the idea that instead of Turkey they vacationed in Bali. That the husband works not as a driver, but as a logistics manager.
Instead of starting to work on themselves and develop, they go down a slippery slope. By writing stories that they themselves sometimes begin to believe. Memory is a tricky thing. She can change events. Especially when a person is so dissatisfied with his life that he resorts to fiction.
Ultimately, you can't run away from yourself. Contradictions will snowball. Serious psychological problems will occur. Therefore, you should do something every day to become a person in the real world who lives in your own fantasies.
The fear of disappointing can also be attributed here. Everyone wants to be thought well of. Hear words of gratitude. Be known as a responsive and attentive person. The desire to help is, of course, commendable. But no one canceled an adequate assessment of their capabilities.
A colleague asks for help with a report or a friend asks for help moving things to a new apartment. Some people don’t have the courage to immediately say that they themselves already have plans for this time. No less important. The result is a total failure on all fronts. And you are sewing yourself up and letting others down. But you could tell right away. Honestly.
Defensive reaction
Lying for self-defense takes second place in the National Geographic rankings.
Mostly people lie to protect themselves or their interests. Avoid punishment, condemnation, an unpleasant meeting. In general, they try with all their might to avoid a negative result for themselves.
For example, they lie about the fact that the cat is the only culprit of a broken flower pot, and not personal problems with coordination and inattention.
Or they tell their boss an amazing story about how they saved half the world on the way to work, which was the reason for being late.
Benefit
And yet, no matter how many reasons people give for lying, the essence of each of them is profit. She is hidden behind absolutely every lie told, and she alone is her goal.
Polish scientists classify lying for profit as follows:
- Lying for other people. That is, for the sake of benefiting another person.
For example, you praise a child’s fake, although you don’t really like it. But nevertheless, you strive to please him.
- Benefit for several parties. The simplest example of such a lie is lying for the sake of a common team victory.
- Personal benefit. Unconditional self-interest. Pursuing your own interests. Is the most popular.
It is due to the fact that in a critical situation one’s own feelings are always more important than the experiences of others. No matter how close they would be.
There is a point of view that even when a person lies, supposedly to protect the interests of another, in the end he still cares about himself.
For example, outwardly everything may look like the liar simply does not want to hurt the feelings of another. However, on the other hand, he doesn’t want to be branded a rude person. Or be the one to voice something terrible. Than he will get a reputation as a callous person. So the question arises: “Who is everyone caring about?”
The presented rating from the popular magazine answered the question: Why do people lie at all? However, the information he presented is quite general. Let's try to move from the general to the specific. Let's analyze lies based on gender.
Let's try to understand why men lie. And what lies behind women's lies.
To lie or not to lie?
Any person with high morals, before deceiving another, will think about whether it is worth committing this act. Only seasoned deceivers and scammers, for whom this type of communication is the norm, lie carelessly and regularly. From early childhood we are told that lying is bad, we need to live “correctly”, without hiding anything. The psychology of truth and lies is such that, being forced to lie, or faced with the deception of others, we experience discomfort, shame and indignation. Are you familiar with all these emotions? Then maybe it’s worth trying to work on yourself and give up lying as much as possible. Remember, any negative emotions are extra stress and nervous tension. And we all know that such conditions and impacts negatively affect a person’s psychological and physical health.
What do men lie about?
A small lie at the beginning of a relationship is not considered a disaster. Rather, it speaks of increased interest on the part of the partner. He strives to appear better than he really is. Wants to impress and charm.
However, systematic lies are already a problem. Which needs to be fought. Well, or pass by. Problems and men.
The basis of a man's lies is always his dissatisfaction. By yourself, a woman, work or life in general.
Psychologists identify several of the most common reasons for lying “like a man.”
- The inner child who never grew up
Low self-esteem
The reason for lying can also be low self-esteem or some difficult life situations that a person has experienced. It could be criticism or unrequited feelings. Other people have a hard time accepting a situation and it’s easier for them to come up with something and lie so as not to fall on their face. Instead of thinking about his problems, a person comes up with some new and interesting facts about his own life. As a rule, people become liars from adolescence, when the teenager may have experienced some kind of social conflicts or was humiliated. And in order not to experience this again, they lie, thus protecting themselves. Lying is not a habit, it is a natural human trait.
What does a woman's lie hide?
Let's start with the fact that for a woman, truth is not an absolute value. Unlike men. Circumstances change - feelings change. And they are true. But only at that very, specific moment. By nature, women are more flexible creatures. That’s why their truth is correctable.
Women are also more susceptible to stereotypical thinking. But it is not always possible to live ideally, in strict accordance with social standards. Therefore, you have to adjust your appearance, biography and worldview to social norms.
- Past relationships
Not everyone manages to get married on their first try and become an exemplary homemaker. And there may not be two attempts. And not even three.
At the same time, society will judge the woman quite harshly for every failed attempt. To avoid a reputation for excessive frivolity, female intuition tells the lady that it is better to remain silent about failures and their quantities.
- Appearance
Types of Liars
There are 7 types of people who lie all the time:
- Psychopaths. These are people who lie for their own benefit, even if they find themselves in a situation where they need to help someone, they will easily lie for their own benefit.
- Extroverts. These are people for whom lying is as easy as breathing, and they themselves believe what they say.
- Narcissistic people. These are people who lie in order to get attention.
- Sociopaths. These are individuals who live and breathe lies.
- Pathological liars. These are people who lie constantly but never admit it.
- The youth. Teenagers can cheat an indefinite number of times; this is a natural stage of socialization. It is difficult for teenagers to fit into society without using lies.
- Salespeople are people who lie all the time in order to earn as much as possible.
The older a person gets, the less he lies. It is difficult to say what causes this, but this fact exists.
How to expose a liar to “clean water”?
Previously, it was believed that the universal way to recognize a liar was to monitor his nonverbal gestures. Timothy Levin, a researcher at the University of Alabama, explained this by saying that lying activates strong emotions. As a result, a person unconsciously makes certain movements. Uncharacteristic for humans. Which is revealed by the fact that the interlocutor is telling a lie.
However, this approach can only be applied to people you know well. This is due to the fact that human behavior is extremely diverse.
Each person is individual due to his life experience, personality type, psychotype, and so on. Therefore, you cannot expect the same reaction from two completely different people.
Changes in the behavior of a loved one are easy to read and then you can turn to sign language for help. Knowing typical behavior, you can judge uncharacteristic signals and try to recognize a lie. But it is almost impossible to understand the behavior of an unfamiliar person.
Fortunately, relatively recently, namely in the run-up to the 2012 Olympic Games, psychologist Thomas Ormerod developed a fundamentally new approach to detecting lies. In company with Coral Dandy, a professor at the University of Wolverhampton, he decided to emphasize logic and common sense. Scientists have put together a number of principles on which a conversation with a potential liar should be based. During the dialogue, the deceiver begins to drown in his own inconsistencies and is thereby exposed.
The effectiveness of the method has been proven in practice. At all airports in Europe, security officers were divided into two groups. Some checked passengers with suspicious behavior. The latter entered into a dialogue and tried to uncover the deception using the method of Ormerod and Dandy. The results were impressive.
The work of the second group showed twenty times higher efficiency. Which is an indisputable fact that the method is at least worthy of attention.
So maybe we'll get to know each other.
Signs of lying
Each person lies for his own specific motives, reasons, circumstances. Cheating begins in early childhood and then progresses into adulthood. Some people are immediately caught cheating. However, most are able to outsmart even a modern polygraph. Often liars are men, offended and humiliated people, women who have experienced betrayal and pain. Signs of lying are characterized by certain gestures and emotions:
- Touching, rubbing or scratching your earlobes.
- Frequent touching and scratching of the nose.
- Running fingers through hair.
- Covering your mouth with your hand.
- Biting lips and nails.
- Severe trembling in the legs.
- Restlessness and frequent changes of positions.
- Sudden head tilt forward or backward.
- Raising your eyes to the top.
- Sudden and prolonged cough.
- Crossing limbs.
- Frequently fingering the collar of clothing.
- A liar's eyes constantly dart around when speaking.
- Unnatural and fake smile.
- Facial muscle tension.
- Redness of the cheeks.
- Frequent blinking.
- When talking with your interlocutor, you feel an unfriendly intonation.
A person’s deception can be determined by the duration and intonation of the conversation, unnatural facial expression and spontaneous movements of the hands. During the conversation, the speed of speech, the intonation of the voice, and the frequent change of emotions and postures change dramatically.
Characteristic signs of lying are rubbing of various parts of the body, caused by the brain's reaction when hiding reliable information. The eyes are the main mirror of the inner world, which help to quickly identify a liar. Often deceitful people pay attention to the gaze of their interlocutor in order to understand whether they trust them or not. Any lie causes stress in a person. When cheating, women look up, and men look down.
A common sign of deliberate misrepresentation is a discrepancy between the words spoken and the person's emotional reactions. During the conversation, the interlocutor reports his own regret in the events that occurred. However, facial expressions, emotions and movements do not indicate a person’s repentance. People who tell the truth always have the same emotions and words.
Principles for constructing a revealing conversation
- Open-ended questions: Avoid questions that require a one-word answer. Instead, try to get a long story. The questions will force the liar to come up with colorful details, but in the end, he himself will get confused in his inventions.
- The effect of surprise. Give the liar a brainstorm. Shoot illogical and atypical questions. Make them tell the “true” story in the opposite order. Research shows that lying in reverse order is quite difficult.
- Attention to detail. Check out the little details. For example, a fictionalist talks about his work in a prestigious company. Ask about the people working there. About the road to work. There will probably be contradictions in the story, then you shouldn’t immediately give away your guesses. Better to play along. Confidence inspires and makes a person less vigilant. Mistakes will not keep you waiting.
- Watch the reaction . Especially on uncomfortable questions. It's easy to be confident by telling facts. Or what I came up with in advance. But unexpected questions can take you out of your comfort zone.
The conversation style should be casual. The dreamer should not suspect that his words are being questioned. Then he will relax and reveal himself in small things.
We teach a child not to lie
The issue of fantasy and lies in children's stories has already been discussed at the beginning of the article. But if you think that your child is lying too often, and all this has nothing to do with a harmless game of imagination, psychology can help you. Children's lies, as a conscious action, are usually formed during school years. If a preschooler lies, we can say with confidence that, most likely, he copies the behavior of adults. For example, a mother says that she cannot take a longer walk with her child or go to the store for candy because she is sick, and the child will lie about feeling unwell the next time when he does not want to clean up his toys or go to kindergarten.
The older a child gets, the more sophisticated and complex methods of deception he experiences. If you begin to notice lies too often, your first priority as a parent is to try to create a comfortable microclimate at home and instill in your child the idea that he can trust mom and dad with any secrets and tell about all the events of his life. Try to avoid harsh punishments, especially physical ones; instead, don’t be lazy to explain every time exactly what the child is wrong about, and together look for ways to “atone.” For example, if your son gets a bad grade, it is a reasonable punishment to devote an extra hour or two to homework instead of entertainment, and if your daughter breaks a vase, you can instruct her to participate in the cleaning along with her mother.
