Catch Me If You Can: What is Counterdependency and How to Deal with It

True intimacy always involves great risk. This is her paradox: the presence of close emotional connections is necessary for happiness, but no one can guarantee that one of them will not cause severe pain. Sometimes it seems that too strong a feeling can absorb the personality of a lover, and sometimes we are paralyzed by the fear of being too dependent or losing someone who has become so dear to us. These doubts are quite normal as long as they do not interfere with building meaningful relationships, but in some cases they seize power over a person’s life, forcing him to avoid strong feelings and attachments again and again. “Theories and Practices” talks about how counterdependence arises and whether it can be overcome.

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Many stories of complex relationships are not complete without a mysterious and contradictory hero (or heroine). Such people make a pleasant impression and themselves show genuine sympathy for those who truly hook them, but when it comes to genuine emotional intimacy, yesterday's gentle friend turns into a cold and aloof creature, seeking to increase the distance and refusing to recognize the importance of the existing relationship. He does not want to talk about personal topics and spends a lot of free time on activities and hobbies that have nothing to do with his partner, openly flirts with someone on the side, and in the most severe cases, even avoids touching. Something clearly went wrong, but why and at what point?

Usually, the partners of such characters tend to look for the reason within themselves, but most likely, this problem began long before they met. In one of the previous educational programs, we already talked about codependency. Codependency is a disorder of attachment in which a person becomes fixated on a partner and makes him the center of the universe. The ability to enter into close relationships with other people and at the same time remain self-sufficient, which ensures healthy social behavior in the future, is formed in early childhood - in the process of transition from psychological fusion with the mother in infancy to separation from her at the age of 2-3 years. And if during this period a child receives psychological trauma, these mechanisms can cause serious failure, which will manifest itself in adulthood.

It is logical to assume that if there is one extreme - codependent people who lack self-sufficiency, there is another - those who have difficulty entering into close relationships. This type of disorder is usually called counterdependency or avoidance addiction. But it is worth remembering that attachment disorders are a spectrum with different shades and degrees of manifestation of the disorders. Codependency and counterdependency should not be seen as a black-and-white dichotomy without nuance.

Fear of intimacy as a social phenomenon

Sociologists look at the problem of counterdependence more broadly and take into account the environment. As Evgenia Shamis, coordinator of the project “Theory of Generations in Russia - Rugenerations,” notes, the childhood of the generation of the current 25-30 year olds took place in the 1990s and early 2000s, when major economic crises affected almost every family in our country. Political unrest, unemployment and the struggle for a better life all robbed children of that time of the parental warmth and care that we know influences the formation of attachment.

Modern parents, in turn, apparently trying to compensate for this lack of love, often practice helicopter parenting - as the good old overprotection is called in foreign media. They buy their children smart watches that track their location, send them to numerous clubs and worry about not depriving their child of attention. There is no research yet on how this type of parenting affects their children's relationships, but we already know that this approach can also be fraught with counterdependency.

Moreover, modern mass culture, with its cult of individuality and phrases like “I have myself, and that’s the most important thing” or “I don’t owe anyone anything,” encourages counter-dependent behavior. Sociologist and author of the book “Love: Do It Yourself” Polina Aronson tells how we came to the conclusion that being alone is much safer than being in a close relationship:

“Firstly, life has become easier and more fun, so in big cities people who can easily provide for themselves choose singletonism. Secondly, there are a wild number of requirements for intimacy: there should be no gaslighting, abuse, harassment, etc. On the one hand, this is not bad, because Soviet pop culture often legitimized violence when talking about love. We can see this, for example, in the book “Bury Me Behind the Baseboard,” in which the grandmother and mother tyrannized the boy because they loved him. And it turned out that post-Soviet generations grew up with a fear of love as transgression, because in their eyes it is inevitably associated with violence, and violating boundaries can in no way be pleasant. At the same time, a neoliberal agenda comes to us with the leitmotif “no one owes anything to anyone,” which successfully fits into the Soviet understanding of the world with Solzhenitsyn’s “don’t believe, don’t be afraid, don’t ask.” As a result, we are dealing with a ruthless form of attitude towards oneself, which prohibits a person from taking from others. And people become afraid to open up to others and depend on them even for a second.”

Running in circles

Because people with counterdependency have difficulty achieving self-actualization in close relationships, they redouble their energy in other areas of life (career or hobbies) and strive to make a good impression on others. It's hard to see the catch - at the initial stage of a relationship, the avoidant addict is truly fascinated by his partner and tries very hard to please him. The problem arises later when it is discovered that the person with attachment disorders is equally sincere in wanting to spend time together, looking at the stars and talking about everything in the world, as well as in wanting to run away or push the partner away later when things go too far.

“Too far” is a relative concept, and it is impossible to attach any formal milestone to it, such as a third date, meeting your parents, or renting a house together. “Too far” for one may be where for another real intimacy has not yet begun. Someone may even get married, but even then maintain a certain emotional distance, while others begin to have an anxiety attack already in the second week of the relationship. The only criterion - and it is very subjective - is that at a certain stage the counterdependent person no longer feels safe. This may be due to some real pressure from the partner - for example, the requirement to finally determine the status of the relationship. But not necessarily: in order to wake up one day in a cold sweat, some people just need to feel a little less self-sufficient than before. The look is too ardent, the conversation is too intimate, it’s too sad to leave after a weekend spent together - and now you have one foot in the trap of feelings, which, as the subconscious tells you, will bring nothing but suffering. Therefore, it is better to assert your boundaries by pushing your companion away right now, before everything leads to disaster. Most often, this entire logical chain is not consciously tracked - a person feels inexplicable discomfort (violation of personal integrity, loss of self, lack of freedom, the feeling that someone is absorbing his energy) and tries to somehow rationalize it, without getting to the bottom of the true essence of things .

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For a partner, this is all the more painful, the less intrusive he was in reality - few people want to feel like an annoying admirer. A person prone to reflection will at this moment begin to doubt: “Did I make some mistake? Was I really too persistent?” Then everything depends on the willingness to fight for the obstinate object of feelings. Codependent people are drawn into such relationships more often because periodic rejection from their partner does not stop them - it responds to their own unconscious fear of intimacy. As a result, relationships turn into a cyclical process: sensing a threat, the counterdependent pushes the partner away, but, having run away to a safe distance, begins to miss him again. It’s hard for the partner, but, having again believed in his need, he returns - with the hope that he will no longer be pushed away.

But at the same time, it is wrong to assume that codependent and counterdependent people are necessarily doomed to be together as a pair of opposites. There are cases when the same person in different relationships exhibits traits of either codependency or counterdependence. Sometimes two people with codependent tendencies enter into a relationship and one begins to suppress the other so much that he begins to learn to defend his personal space. Or a couple of independent and self-sufficient people can organize a strong union, not burdened by excessive emotional intimacy. In general, there are no universal scenarios or rigidly fixed structures here - although the famous psychiatrist, founder of modern addictionology, Caesar Korolenko, noted in his works that love addicts and avoidance addicts are most often attracted to each other, regarding other people as “uninteresting.”

The distance necessary for a person with counterdependency can be built in different ways. As a rule, he does not really like to talk about feelings - suddenly showing tenderness, he either withdraws into himself again, or rushes to reduce the degree of sentimentality with some sarcastic remark. In addition, he tries not to reveal himself too much when communicating on other topics. He deliberately limits the time he spends with a significant person and seeks to fill his life with various activities and hobbies, which, if necessary, can distract him from too strong an attachment. Such people can cheat on a partner who is completely happy with them only in order to maintain “inner freedom” and feel the possibility of choice.

It is important to understand here that, unlike other “problem lovers” - for example, perverted narcissists - a person with counterdependency is not going to cold-bloodedly play with someone’s feelings in order to stroke his pride. Although he (like any normal person) is pleased to feel needed and loved, the constant pendulum of “closer-further” for him is a forced attempt to sit on two chairs: not to lose someone who has already become dear, and at the same time not to fall into a frightening meat grinder uncontrollable feelings. But with some work on oneself (with the help of a psychotherapist) and support from loved ones, an avoidant addict has a chance to improve the situation.

Causes of fear of intimacy

Let's say you discovered 10 of these signs and decided that you want to get rid of them. You go to a psychologist, and the first thing your therapy will begin with is finding the reasons for your fear. Psychologist Angelina Chekalina says that for this you will have to turn to early experience of relationships with significant others: parents, grandparents and other relatives, peers or other people who are important to a particular person.

“We need to find out whether the person has had a traumatic experience, such as physical, emotional, sexual abuse. Did he experience loss, did he receive support, protection, sympathy, were his needs for autonomy met, could he freely express his emotions, talk about his needs. If a person has had at least one similar experience, then there will be no trust and security in the relationship, but it will be painful and scary. In addition to viewing relationships as unsafe, experiences of rejection, abandonment, and violence can also create distorted beliefs about people and oneself: for example, “I’m so bad that I don’t deserve to be treated well.”

Why are they looking at this? Because this view is based on attachment theories. One of them was developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. According to her, attachment is important for a child from the point of view of safety and survival, it is biologically determined, and the experience of relationships with significant adults in the first years of life determines his further mental development and ability to build relationships. Based on field studies in Uganda, longitudinal studies in Baltimore, and the Strange Situation experiments, Mary Ainsworth identified four types of attachment.

• A secure type of attachment
  is formed if the mother (or other person who provides primary care) in the first months of the child's life shows tenderness, care and sensitivity to the baby's needs. Children with this type of attachment are not afraid to explore the world because they are confident that their significant other will return when they need him.
• An ambivalent type of attachment
  is formed if the mother was unpredictable and inconsistent in her actions. When she leaves, the child feels anxious, and when she returns, he does not experience relief or even shows aggression. That is, children with this type of attachment seek contact with the parent, but at the same time resist him.
• An anxious-avoidant type
  is formed if the mother was cold, not tactile and avoided contact with the child. In this case, the child will also avoid contact with the adult and show little emotion when he leaves and comes. It is assumed that the equanimity of such children masks their grief.
• The disorganizing type
  is attributed to children who demonstrate contradictory behavior: they are sometimes drawn to adults, sometimes they are afraid, sometimes they rebel.

In the 1980s, scholars Sidney Hazan and Philip Shaver applied Bowlby and Ainsworth's attachment theory to adult romantic relationships. They proceeded from the fact that close relationships between two adults are a “safe haven”, like the mother-child relationship, that is, their most important function is to ensure safety for partners. Hazan and Shaver also identified four types of attachment:

• Adults with a secure attachment type
  perceive themselves and others positively, they strive for intimacy, are not afraid to open up to their partner, be honest and depend on him in a good way, but at the same time remain self-sufficient.
• People with an anxious attachment style
  often seek confirmation of their own importance, underestimate themselves and idealize their partner. They can “suffocate” with their love and become very jealous. They may also often feel like they are not loved.
• A person with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style
  may consider himself strong and independent, and think that he does not need anyone. He can keep his distance, show coldness, hide his feelings, break off relationships first, be afraid to show weakness in front of his partner, that he will be abandoned.
• Partners with an anxious-avoidant
  attachment style seek intimacy but are afraid of rejection, so they end the relationship when it becomes too close. They find it difficult to trust others. They may have a “loud” inner critic and a strong fear of rejection.

Here you can find out your attachment type.

So, people can acquire counterdependence if they were separated from their mother too early in childhood or did not receive enough care and warmth from their parents. Therefore, in adulthood, they may associate intimacy with the pain of loss or rejection.

Lina, 25 years old

: “When I was two years old, my mother was hospitalized and left me with my father. They told me that I then cried for several days, did not eat and practically did not sleep. And when my mother returned, I did not run to meet her. Apparently she stopped trusting her. As I grew up, she worked a lot and gave me to my grandparents for three months. And mistrust grew. Therefore, now it’s difficult for me to open up to people, show my emotions, I’m wildly afraid that they’ll leave me, and I constantly check my partners for lice: I throw tantrums, be rude and try to leave to find out whether they will stop me or not.”

Another reason may be parental overprotection. Such controlling behavior does not allow the child to gain independence, and in the future he perceives close relationships as a threat to personal freedom.

Tanya, 33 years old

: “I am a late child, and I also have a heart defect from birth, so my parents wrapped me in a blanket out of care and looked after me until I was 22 years old. I have never had a long relationship, six months maximum. The first months everything goes well, we talk about our interests, go on dates, have sex, and then questions about childhood begin, conversations about the status of our relationship, and I literally turn away from the person. He becomes disgusting to me, and I can no longer have sex or communicate.”

The third option: the child could observe the relationships of significant adults, in which there were shouting, quarrels, violence, and decide that the relationship is a pain that he definitely does not need.

Alina, 31 years old

: “My dad drank a lot and beat my mom. We constantly had screams in the house and a lot of fear. I just can't get over my relationship panic. And I think it’s better to be alone than to meet the same man.”

Devaluing a child's feelings can also cause fear of intimacy. Parents could support certain emotions of the baby and reject others that were “unprofitable” to them. Having matured, such a person may conclude that one cannot express one’s true feelings.

Asya, 30 years old

: “My perfectionist parents firmly drilled into my head the thought “Either be the best, or not be at all,” and instilled the habit of earning love through achievements or “good” behavior. Now I keep track of self-accusations voiced by parents, most often completely groundless. Well, I’m afraid to make mistakes.”

There is also an assumption that negative life experiences can change a person’s type of attachment, that is, the source of fear of intimacy can be traumatic relationships in adulthood. This was the case with Anatoly, who, after several toxic relationships, gave up his personal life. And Toma, whose first husband died, and now she is very afraid of losing her partner.

Possible solutions

While counterdependency is a serious problem, it is not an officially recognized mental disorder. The psychotherapist can assume that the patient has this problem based on his own testimony or the testimony of his loved ones. Here are the main signs of a disorder, compiled by psychologists Berry and Jenya Weinhold:

• difficulties in getting close to people and maintaining intimacy in intimate relationships

• the tendency after a breakup to consider former partners as bad or vicious

• difficulties in experiencing feelings (except anger and frustration)

• fear of control from other people

• the habit of saying “no” to new ideas proposed by others

• resistance to attempts at rapprochement and feelings of anxiety in close relationships

• constant fear of making a mistake, desire to be perfect and demanding the same from others

• refusal to help, even if it is really needed

• fear that other people will turn away from you if you show your weaknesses and fears

• workaholism or being overly busy with hobbies, entertainment or other activities.

What should you do if you discover counter-dependent traits in your partner and you feel like this is negatively impacting the relationship? Firstly, you shouldn’t rely too much on self-diagnosis - it’s better to consult with a family therapist before making labels. Secondly, you should be honest with yourself about what you want from this relationship. And if the current state of affairs does not suit you, you should not put up with it. A common advice on the Internet is to try to keep the “elusive”, creating the impression that you do not claim anything and do not completely belong to him. Emphasize your boundaries in every possible way, restrain sentimental impulses and live your own busy life, limiting the number of meetings and manifestations of affection. Formally, these techniques are likely to work - the counterdependent has fewer reasons to run away from such a partner. But it’s worth thinking about how long you can withstand such a game and what is the point of a relationship if you keep it in this form.

Even if you believe that the person is “yours” and everything can work out, both must participate in saving the relationship - the partner must begin to recognize the problem and agree to work on it. In this case, joint sessions with a psychotherapist can give good results. If your partner refuses to admit that there is something wrong with him, your single-handed efforts are unlikely to lead to a happy ending.

For those who have encountered a counterdependent partner more than once, or in general you meet such characters with enviable regularity, it makes sense to go to a psychotherapist and figure it out with yourself - why do you like exactly such people?

Content:

1. Who develops
2. Stages of codependency
3. Family situation
4. How to deal with codependency

Codependency in drug addiction is a complex of disorders that arise in the close circle of the addict.
It is expressed in the inability to adequately assess the situation and make informed decisions, neglect of one’s own interests and the appearance of psychological problems. Experts in the field of addiction treatment believe that up to 85% of relatives of people who use psychoactive substances suffer from codependency.

Is counter-dependency such a bad thing?

Every coin has two sides.
Likewise, psychological disorders have positive and negative aspects. Let's take a look at the negative manifestations of counterdependence below:

• Alienation.
• Inability to form strong open relationships.
• Problems in family life.
• Escaping reality with alcohol or drugs.
• Unable to accept help from others.

But this model of behavior also has positive qualities:

• These are hardworking and efficient people.
• They devote themselves to what they love.
• They are capable of achieving great success in their career, occupying a leadership position, working their way up from the very bottom rung.

ATTENTION!

If negative aspects dominate a person’s life, then it is better to overcome your doubts and seek help from a specialist.

Literature:

1. Codependency in alcoholism and drug addiction: A manual for doctors, psychologists and relatives of patients / Valentina Moskalenko. - M.: Anacharsis, 2002. - 112 p.
2. Codependency and ways to overcome it: Education. fundamentals of prevention and psychotherapy of drug addiction / L.M. Zorina; Rep. Center for the Prevention of Drug Abuse of the Population at the Cab. Ministers of the Republic Tatarstan. – Kazan: New knowledge, 2002. – 54 p.
3. What is codependency and how to avoid it / L. P. Velikanova, O. V. Kaverina. — Astrakhan: Astrakh. state honey. acad., 2003. – 24 p.

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Who develops

Codependents are individuals who are related to a drug addict through close family or family relationships. They are strongly attached to the patient or live with him. Parents, siblings, lovers and adult children of drug abusers suffer. Most often - women (grandmothers, mothers, wives, daughters).

At first, codependents try to solve the problem, then they gradually become involved and stop living their own lives.

, directing all efforts to help a relative, control and regulate other people's behavior. The psyche of a person who is in constant contact with a drug addict inevitably undergoes changes.

Anxiety, frequent stress and constant anticipation of trouble force us to live at the limit of our capabilities. A codependent has to live among deception and manipulation, make attempts to save a loved one over and over again, come up with extraordinary solutions - and again fail. Characteristics of people with codependency are:

• prolonged inability to recognize the scale of the tragedy, attempts at self-deception and complacency;
• justifications for loved ones and, as a consequence, self-justification;
• aggressive reaction to the words and actions of others indicating the existence of a problem;
• increased anxiety, constant expectation of disaster;
• periodically occurring apathy and indifference;
• attacks of self-blame and self-abasement, decreased self-esteem;
• exacerbation of existing chronic diseases and the development of new somatic pathologies due to constant stress.

The severity of codependency varies significantly and is determined by personality and upbringing. A tendency to develop this condition is observed in children from dysfunctional families and from orphanages, people who have been subjected to violence, emotionally unbalanced, anxious and sympathetic people.

Codependent relationships

Codependency is usually considered in the context of “relationships” (in the narrow sense of the word - romantic/sexual).

To be fair, I note that this is just a tradition, since the sexual component is not at all necessary in order to make a relationship codependent - friendship, child-parent interactions, and any others (including, for example, work) are suitable for these purposes.

“ Relationships ” will be considered such interactions between people (for simplicity, I propose to assume that there are two of them, unless otherwise indicated), which all participants consider as such. I haven't come across a better definition.

And codependent are those relationships in which partners show signs of codependency: i.e. They go to quite a significant suppression of their desires and impulses in order to please the counterparty, expecting the same from him in their address.

Perhaps this position may seem too radical to some, but I insist that this is exactly the case: any self-suppression and self-censorship, especially in combination with expectations, is a manifestation of codependency.

An important property of codependent relationships is that they are always and certainly “ codependent for everyone ”: it does not happen that Bob is in a codependent relationship with Alice, but she is not with him (provided that at least one of them is not fictitious character, and there is at least some interaction between them).

Even if it initially seems that only one of the participants is the beneficiary in such a relationship, upon closer examination it turns out that the other also has considerable benefit by remaining in it.

It is precisely because of this blurring of roles that I do not like the traditional division into “victim”, “savior” and “persecutor”: in my opinion, this model provokes psychologists to excessive labeling and does not really provide anything in terms of therapy.

Stages of codependency

Codependency in drug addiction develops according to the principle of the Karpman triangle. A person takes turns playing all the roles, moving from one incarnation to another as hope is lost and exhaustion increases.

Rescuer

- the first role that a loved one of a drug addict finds himself in. He tries to understand the relative, look at everything through his eyes, help, support, deliver, save. Changing the view of drug addiction leads to denial of the problem. The codependent believes that drug addiction is caused by external circumstances, for example, the influence of bad company, and does not take into account internal factors.

He believes that the drug addict will definitely quit

— you just need to give him money for the last dose. He tries to limit the drug addict’s communication, hoping that it will be possible to reduce the amount of the substance. He thinks that the problem can be solved without the involvement of specialists. All of these are attempts doomed to failure.

Pursuer

- the role into which a loved one moves, tired of constant deceptions and unfulfilled expectations. He understands that agreements and peace agreements do not work, so he turns to tough measures. Tries to completely control other people’s actions: checks pockets, studies information on the phone and in instant messengers, monitors the drug addict day and night. At this stage, he is ready to admit his relative to a drug treatment clinic. If the drug addict cannot be hospitalized or treatment fails, the third stage begins.

Victim

- a hypostasis in which weakness and powerlessness predominate. The codependent becomes psychologically exhausted and gives up. The addict naturally notices a change in attitude towards what is happening and begins to take advantage of it. The codependent “drowns” in guilt and shame. It seems to him that responsibility for the outcome lies with him, this plunges him into depression and aggravates his suffering.

Treatment, therapy for counter-dependency

Psychotherapy in the fight against counterdependence requires more effort and time than eliminating codependency.
The psychologist takes the following steps:

1. Supports the need to maintain boundaries of personal space.
2. Creates an atmosphere of safe interactions to help the patient briefly remove the mask of aloofness.
3. Cognitive behavioral therapy will help you realize that in the past, building walls was a necessity that is no longer relevant at the moment.
4. The client receives new experience and knowledge, tools to change his life for the better.

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