So, they threw an insult at you. And they don’t want to explain the reason. Or maybe they even started to ignore you? Be that as it may, I will tell you what to do if you are offended.
This is a widespread problem. Someone in your life is upset with you. This could be a friend, girlfriend, sexual partner, colleague... One way or another, this is a person with whom you spend a lot of time. Suddenly something happened, and this man was offended, and not even seriously. What to do in such a situation?
Today we'll talk about this.
I have already touched on this topic several times in articles such as “What to do if a friend ignores you”, “What to do if a friend is offended and does not want to talk”, “What to do when your best friend ignores you” and “If a friend does not want to communicate , is it worth imposing.”
What will be discussed next applies not only to friends and girlfriends, but to everyone with whom you have any relationship, business, romantic, etc.
And before I tell you what needs to be done, we need to clear up a couple of things.
Two things to realize if you are offended
There are a couple of points that you need to realize before you take any action.
1. Each person bears full responsibility for their emotions.
If a person is convinced that someone has offended him, insulted him, or, in principle, created any negative emotions in him, then he plays the victim, abdicating responsibility for his emotional well-being. When he lets go of the victim mentality, he begins to see himself creating his entire life in every moment. In particular, this means that he creates his own emotions.
Therefore, if they are offended by you, it is their fault.
Of course, this does not mean that I consider a situation in which a person behaves like an asshole, completely neglecting the interests of loved ones, to be correct. Like, I don’t care how my actions look from the outside, if they get offended, that’s their problem.
I say this because if your friend/partner/colleague has a grudge, and you don’t realize that his grudge is his fault, then you will automatically twitch from side to side, anxiously trying to somehow improve the situation.
You also need to realize that you are twitching not because of that person’s resentment towards you, but because of your own “cockroaches”.
What kind of cockroaches are these?
This is the second point.
2. If you feel very bad about being offended, dig yourself. You will see fear and guilt there.
Let's be honest. You don't care if you're offended! This is not what brought you to my page.
You are here because you are gnawing at the feeling of guilt for how you allegedly behaved, or behaved, in that situation. There’s a murmur in your head, and the contents of this murmur can be reduced to “it’s my fault,” “no, it’s his fault,” “no, it’s my fault”...
Nobody wants to feel guilty, because since childhood we have all disliked this feeling. And since childhood, we have all been manipulated by this feeling.
That’s why, by the way, it’s so important to work through your childhood. Even though they are offended at you, even though you are offended - all this is mental masturbation, the roots of which were sown in childhood. And you need to pull out these roots from there...
Be that as it may, next to your guilt is fear. Fear of losing this person.
Work through the fear of losing him
This fear especially manifests itself when a person, against the backdrop of his resentment, decides to ignore you. Your fear will definitely add fuel to the fire of your negative internal dialogue associated with that incident and the subsequent resentment.
And, by the way, the closer this person is to you, the stronger the fear and guilt will be
It's all about childhood again! After all, as a child, your parents were your closest people, and it was in that relationship with your parents that fear and guilt began to resonate. How to get a child to behave in a certain way?
- Make him afraid. “ Now I’ll leave, and you’ll be left alone.
That's it I'm leaving! ” - Make him feel guilty. “ Is this what people do??
How dare you even?! ”
Against the background of this manipulation-programming, typical of many parents, you have developed a tendency to emotionally depend on the approval of other people. And emotional dependence is the subconscious root of both feelings of guilt and feelings of resentment.
Ok, let's say you realize these things. What, finally, should you do with someone who is offended by you?
How to make peace with a girl if you really offended her
The issue of apology is most acute in the event of a serious conflict. Guys get even more lost when they are really guilty before their beloved. If the girl is very offended, you will have to make a lot of effort to regain the affection of the woman you love.
Firstly, it is best to give her a pleasant surprise. To get started, you can simply send flowers by courier with a note.
If you come right away, most likely they won’t even listen to you. Then you can call and offer a meeting. Be open with the girl. Say that you are very upset about what happened and want to talk.
If the girl still refuses to meet with you, you can come to her yourself. She won’t let you home, she won’t come in on her own, which means you’ll have to greet her home from school or work, preferably with a bouquet. She may want to ignore you, but this is how a woman understands that you care about her feelings.
If this doesn’t help, use SMS or social networks. Let us know about you in every possible way. She must understand that you regret what happened, love you and don’t want to lose.
What to do with the offended?
Actions must flow from common sense, sober perception and without automatic reaction. If you don’t perceive everything soberly now, you automatically feel the urge to write or say something to this person, and your head is filled with thoughts about him, it’s still too early for you to act, and you should worry about working on yourself.
In this case, working on yourself is aimed at discarding your beliefs and ideas about the current situation and beginning to understand the situation as it is. Here's what you need to work on:
- Your victim mentality
. This will help you realize your responsibility for your own emotions. - Your fears
.
This will help you not worry about “ what if he stops communicating with me altogether?!”
“When a person is in fear, he behaves inappropriately to the situation. Actions should be performed only with a sober head. - Your guilt. If you feel guilty, then you will do all sorts of stupid things in order to temporarily cover up your subconscious feeling of guilt. For example, you will start apologizing automatically, just to be forgiven, and the feeling of guilt will leave you.
Next, you need to meet the person. Your task at this meeting is not to apologize to him, but to help him deal with his offense.
And you need help in person.
The man was offended. How to understand this
There was a conflict. Harsh words were thrown in the face. Or there was an unexpected reaction to the action. Or... However, there can be many situations, and there are more than enough reasons for grievances in life.
The fact that a person is offended can be judged by the way he behaves. External signs of strong resentment include:
- change in intonation,
- a person “changes in his face” - he turns pale or red, his usual facial expressions also change,
- there is visible irritation,
- Often a person withdraws into himself,
- there is a clear desire to take revenge on the offender,
- “Acute attacks” of resentment are fraught with serious illness.
Invite him to meet and express everything in a calm manner.
Notice I didn't tell you to apologize! It's too early to apologize yet.
If you start apologizing now, you will reveal your fears and guilt headlong! The person will feel this and subconsciously understand how he can use these deep-seated things in you to manipulate you.
Do not do that! Just invite the person to meet.
Write or call, invite for a cup of tea or coffee, because you still want to find out what happened and what’s on her/his head. You don't like the current situation, and you want to figure it out.
If the person agrees to meet, move on to the next step.
If a person does not want to meet, then everything is very simple.
This means you stop contact.
Offering to meet and discuss it
garbage,
its
cockroaches,
its
problems - this is already a gesture of goodwill. If this gesture is rejected, then there is really nothing you can do. Neither for this person, nor for the relationship with him.
Isn't this selfish?!
If you think this is selfishness, I remind you that I am writing from the position of a person who has worked through fears and feelings of guilt.
The accusation of selfishness only works with those who have not yet freed themselves from their fears and feelings of guilt. Selfishness is just a good word to press the “guilt” button and force a person to act to please himself. But as soon as this person’s feelings of guilt are worked through, as is the fear of appearing selfish, it is clear that he had no selfishness.
There were only attempts to manipulate him with the help of accusations of selfishness + lack of understanding of responsibility for his emotions.
But when this understanding is there, rational action follows from it. If a person is unable to deal with his grievance, you offer to help him and talk out his problem, but he does not accept this, which means good riddance.
This understanding also means that there is no need to call or write to him.
You should offer to meet ONLY ONCE.
. This is the same One Message Rule that I wrote about here.
Okay, let’s say the person still agreed to see each other. Great. This means that he has at least a little awareness and wants to understand himself, and not blame everything on you, as victims do.
Here you are at a meeting. What's next?
Why ask for forgiveness and forgive offense
A person, voluntarily or unwittingly, offended someone and regrets what he did; in this case, tension naturally arises in him.
The main thing now is not to “store” this tension inside and not to leave it hanging between oneself and offended, but to let it out of oneself. This will help renew and strengthen contact and relieve guilt.
Attention! If a person truly feels guilty, it is important to apologize!
Don't react. Do not apologize. Just ask questions and listen.
Your task here is to turn into an ear.
You work almost like a therapist. You need to let the person speak. So that he does not splutter in offended loneliness, but brings his grievances to the surface in a conversation with you.
But what is important is that there is no need to make excuses. After all, you are not responsible for his emotions.
Better ask questions.
- What exactly happened?
- How did you perceive my behavior?
- After what actions of mine did you feel offended?
- Why did you feel offended after these actions?
By asking such questions, you are reframing in the mind of your interlocutor. Before talking to you, his position was like this:
I was wronged and it is his/her fault.
Now, the position is starting to look more and more like this:
Certain actions were taken. I had certain reactions. I felt offended.
Without any accusations or apologies, you managed to ensure that the person, at least in part, began to realize that your behavior and his offense are two different things.
One thing follows another, yeah. But that doesn't mean that one thing causes the other. And even more so, this does not mean that you are responsible for both things.
And only if the interlocutor has this distinction between your behavior and his reactions, should an apology be addressed.
Do you need to apologize if you are offended?
You need to apologize, but only if it is appropriate.
If you see an opportunity to change your behavior in the future, apologize. Then offer an alternative to your behavior.
Different situations lead to resentment towards you.
Sometimes people will be offended by you, and you will not see anything in your actions that could be changed.
For example, if a friend is offended by you because of sheer bullshit, there is nothing to apologize for.
Listen to the person and that's it. If after talking with you the interlocutor has not realized a little responsibility for his grievances, you will not be able to do anything more. So say so.
What if you were offended out of the blue?
Let's say a colleague is offended by your criticism of his behavior.
If this criticism was a necessary measure, then you need to calmly let the person know that you will continue to criticize him in the future. There is no objective need to change your behavior if criticism is obligatory.
This has nothing to do with him as a person, but you will criticize his behavior, and you are not even going to restrain yourself. The person will then have a restructuring of his expectations, and he will not be offended in the future. They get offended when they expect too much.
If this does not suit him at all, then let the person think what he wants and do what he wants. You have neither fear nor guilt (if you have, work through it). Therefore, you calmly give him the opportunity to continue to be offended further, and you will behave as you see fit.
There is another situation.
What if you deliberately provoked his resentment?
Let's say that your friend's behavior was automatically criticized by you, in front of everyone, with ridicule - and now he is offended.
Here you can already see an opportunity to change your behavior in the future. And just as a person in a conversation with you pulled his cockroaches to the surface, you can pull yours out too.
“Yes, I now realize what I did then. I wanted the approval of other people, and for a long time I could not tell you how your behavior infuriates me. But I just can’t understand myself and understand whether my criticism is fair, or whether I’m just reacting to your behavior. So I took advantage of the situation, attracted the attention of our mutual friends, enlisted their support, knowing that they would side with me, and laughed at you. I took advantage of their attention to hide my own self-doubt and inability to tell you what I was thinking openly.
”.
By opening up in this way, you show the person your willingness to understand yourself, and do not throw off responsibility for your behavior.
You set an example for a person. By taking responsibility for your behavior, you are indirectly inviting him to take responsibility for his offense. Whether he will take it or not is a separate point, discussed below.
Now and only now, when in this incident you were isolated by your own behavior, which you can change in the future... it makes sense to apologize.
How to apologize if you are offended
“I apologize for this behavior. I will try not to do that in the future.”
You don't promise that you will never do this again. You promise to try
don't do that again. This is a much truer promise.
If you see clearly that you might do something differently in the future, add it.
“I will try not to do this in the future. I will try to tell you what I don’t like right away in a calm and friendly manner, rather than keeping it to myself and then unloading it on you at the moment when you are most vulnerable to criticism.”
The purpose of such an apology is to show the person that you are responsible for your behavior and have the intention to correct it.
BUT NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR HIS RESULT!
This is the main thing. Apologize for specific things that relate to you and only you. His resentment is not one of those things.
Ok, now that the conversation on this topic with a friend/colleague/partner is coming to an end, a couple of words about the final reaction of your interlocutor.
Will he take responsibility for his offense or not?
About the insult. I often encounter the behavior of people who are offended and begin to remain silent and not communicate.
At the same time, they expect that the other person who allegedly offended must certainly apologize and start the conversation first. The offended person is not at all embarrassed by the duration of silence (from several hours to several weeks. I also know that the one who seems to have offended may not understand the essence of such silence at all. I am familiar with a married couple in which the woman is easily offended and at the same time endures and demonstrates the offense , both to the offender himself, and to the children and everyone around her.
What is hidden behind such an offended state? Lack of recognition of love, one's importance. The person thereby demonstrates his unspoken leadership in this situation, giving the signal “I myself will decide when to stop being offended, but in the meantime, be dependent on my mood. I feel bad and so should you.”
Of course, we are all inclined to show our offended state in this way. We get offended when there is no understanding, when expectations are not met, when there is no constructive dialogue, when there is no opportunity to show aggression or another feeling, when the offender is not around. Different options for causing resentment. One thing is clear that neither you, nor the person you are offended by, but the people around you are satisfied with this state. And you too! It just seems easier to you. You hide your true state under the mask of resentment. You were not understood as you expected. Just different people with different understandings and expectations, but for some reason it seems to many of us that it is easier to be offended and then the other person will understand exactly what you want than to explain your expectations.
You didn’t like your partner’s behavior or words - tell him about it. Have you been offended, not accepted, not approved, have your actions become a reason for discussion? There are many reasons to be offended, but what is important is that no one forces you to be offended, and only you give yourself permission to express this feeling. It's just easier for you. This is a familiar reaction, perhaps from childhood, when in this way you were shown that you are doing something wrong or that this is the only effective form for evoking a feeling of love and significance. Often it is women who resort to this behavior. Perhaps your mother tried so hard to express herself and establish that she is loved, appreciated, and noticed.
Decide what you really feel at the moment you start to take offense and does the offense make you stronger and give you self-confidence? Have you used all the methods of dialogue with a potential offender? If you think that this is not your problem, then why do you need offense at all? To prove, show, demonstrate something to someone? Do such relationships bring you joy and the development of your best qualities or a momentary manifestation of a familiar reaction according to a convenient scenario?
I still have one more guess about the cause of the resentment. You may not agree, but please think about it. I have reason to believe so. Sometimes a person really needs to be alone. He may not realize it himself or clearly see the need for it. Circumstances develop in such a way that a conflict is attracted and, accordingly, a certain amount of time to think about it or decide to continue the relationship. So, a person uses this time for himself, accumulating resources and simply thinking about exciting moments. The conflict itself may exist, as we often hear “in an Empty Place,” but you begin to feel something like resentment, but in fact you need time to be alone with yourself. This often happens in a work team, when one did not understand you, another upset you with something, and with the third you need to solve other problems, and you need to collect your thoughts and make a decision. You can provoke a quarrel, supposedly take offense at someone, and in the meantime you can simply take a mental break from everyone.
Or an example with a child. It happens that an argument arises over a trifle and everyone leaves with their dissatisfaction, grievances and continues to do everyday things, while the child or mother simply needed rest, time for themselves. Has this ever happened to you?
What is hidden behind your resentment? Try to understand yourself. Silence Psychology psychology silence.
What to do if he doesn't stop being offended?
Let's say you've completed all these steps. Everything that could be said has been said. This was all done from a place of friendship/love and empathy.
But he still doesn’t want to take responsibility for his offense...
This means we need to let this person go.
You are on different frequencies. You are on the frequency of awareness, he is on the frequency of automatism and helplessness. Helplessness literally means that you can't help him anymore.
You don’t have a feeling of fear or guilt, which means you won’t change your behavior to your detriment just to make it easier for him. So there's nothing more you can do. Relax. Read my article How to get someone out of your head.
Of course, if this person is your husband or wife, then I have no easy advice. You are in a difficult situation, and there is no and cannot be any pleasant advice.
If a person is not ready to “cooperate” with you in the matter of clearing out the garbage from his own head, first of all for his own sake, and only then for you and your relationship, then I have a question for you.
How did you even manage to end up next to such a person?
After all, it is now obvious that you are on different wavelengths, as I just wrote about. Maybe you were once on one, but that's in the past.
There is no need to deny obvious things. And don’t run away from the necessary conclusions that need to be drawn. It is possible that this relationship needs to be ended, no matter how difficult the consequences may be.
What to do is up to you.
How does resentment manifest itself?
Resentment is a feeling that arises when our expectations for another person do not coincide with reality.
Women and men express this emotion differently
Representatives of the fair sex make an offended face, pout their lips, their voice becomes thinner, like that of small children. Many ladies avoid contact or ignore this uncomfortable feeling, afraid to show their vulnerability or unsociability.
Representatives of the stronger sex show resentment in the form of open anger, accusations, insults, and some physically attack. Therefore, if you don’t understand why your man suddenly became so aggressive, you can assume that he is offended by something, dissatisfied with something, but cannot express it constructively. Weaker men tend to show resentment in a feminine way - they pout, change the timbre of their voice, avoid the conversation, and harbor dissatisfaction.
What if he wants to stop being offended?
What if a miracle happened and a person perked up, realizing his responsibility for his own grievances, and wanted to get rid of them?
Everything is simple here. Give him a link to this page, where he will find out how to get rid of grievances, quickly, on his own, without psychologists and chatter.
If he starts working on himself, then he will warmly remember this incident with resentment towards you as a starting point in upgrading his awareness.
And he will thank you.
Resentment from the point of view of an ordinary person and a psychologist
Unfortunately, not every ordinary person seriously believes that resentment is a feeling of the weak. But that’s how it is. In one interview, a journalist compared resentment to a feeling of hunger that exists independently of the individual. But he attributed anger to bulimia, which is already a disease. Figuratively speaking, resentment turning into anger is hunger turning into bulimia.
You can also agree with this definition: resentment is a sign of mental immaturity. By the way, psychologists also agree with the latter, who most often interpret resentment as an emotion of unfulfilled expectations - isn’t this a sign of that same immaturity?
