Photo from istockphoto.com Recently, the concept of personal space and its boundaries has become often discussed, and not only in the psychologist’s office. However, there are a lot of problems and fears in communication between people, especially in a big city. We decided to clarify what exactly “the boundaries of personal space” are, how to live, protecting it and at the same time maintaining a more or less harmonious relationship with the space of the big world around? Psychologist Nana Oganesyan answered our correspondent’s questions.
Permeable cocoon or concrete fence?
The term “personal space” tells us about a person, his inner world and the structure of this world. Personal space includes our feelings, views, resources - our entire inner world with our emotions, thoughts, actions, as well as material things. If we talk about the boundaries of this space, we mean relationships with other people. The presence of personal space in a person speaks about his mental health, psychological state and comfort.
Personal space can be compared to a cocoon in a permeable shell. We need this security, which ideally is fundamentally created for us by our parents. It is not for nothing that in kindergartens and schools parents are asked about the child’s living conditions, whether he has his own room or corner. A child who has the opportunity to go into his own personal space, as a rule, behaves calmer. But, at the same time, during the adaptation period he is more tense, because in the company of other children his personal space narrows. And that’s why some children don’t like it when people touch their desks, their textbooks, their things. And children who live in the same room with brothers and sisters take it easier. That is, we create a cocoon of personal space for ourselves, and when we find ourselves in a situation unknown to us, we reproduce the behavior in this cocoon of ours.
But there is a difference between cocoon and cocoon - if a child has increased demands for compliance with this zone of living space, it can turn into a prison. And then the thin, permeable walls turn into a concrete fence, under which you have to dig under and knock with all your might until they open it. This happens to children who are seriously ill for a long time. As a rule, their cocoon walls are too thick and they need socialization.
What is socialization? Each person with his own personal space comes into public space, and here it is necessary to “comb” personal spaces, make them a single space. Here each person reproduces his own experience. A child who is treated rudely at home and makes harsh remarks to him, violating his personal space, as a rule, seeks the same from the teacher, unconsciously provokes him to be harsh - otherwise he simply cannot perceive the information. Therefore, it is very important for parents to be open with teachers about how they communicate with their child at home and help in their child's education.
What is meant by invasion of privacy?
The Criminal Code treats the collection of personal and family information illegally, as well as its public dissemination, as an invasion of privacy. Also, the private life of citizens is protected by the Civil Code. Article 152.2 specifies a direct prohibition on the receipt and use of personal data, including place of residence, marital status and other personal information. Within the framework of civil law, citizens can, on the basis of Article 150 of the Civil Code of the Russian Federation, demand the protection of intangible benefits.
In addition, Federal Law No. 152 “On the Protection of Personal Data” sets the main goal of protecting human rights and freedoms in the field of privacy, personal and family secrets, when transferring this information to third parties.
Man manages his own boundaries
The cocoon of personal space can be modified. For example, let’s say a person ended up in prison, in a densely populated cell. He has the opportunity to build relationships: with someone - closer, with someone less. He begins to establish them, based on the experience of his previous relationships, personal and social, acting according to certain rules. And life becomes more predictable. And if a person does not want to put up with the violation of his personal space, does not want to “move over”, live according to new but inevitable rules for him, he risks developing neurosis, especially in the realities of Russian prisons. Paradoxically, educated, intelligent people withstood the conditions of Soviet camps more easily and got along there more easily than criminals, for example.
In any case, the boundary of personal space is formed in our heads. And we consciously change this boundary, expand or narrow it in moments of some trials, dangers, extreme situations - war, prison, terrorist attacks. In an emergency situation, it is always better if there is someone nearby. And in many ways, it is education, quality of life, and of course, good mental habits that teach a person, allow him, firstly, to expand his personal space, and secondly, in some critical cases, to put up with its sharp narrowing and unusual living conditions.
When we have our own personal space, we arrange it so that we feel comfortable. But if our life changes dramatically due to some insurmountable circumstances or we ourselves want to change it, then we must leave the so-called habitual comfort zone.
Any change in life is associated with discomfort in personal space, if only because there is an uncertain expectation: “How will everything be? Does this match what I think? For example, a wedding is a good event, but very stressful. The personal space of the two families is expanding. This means that relatives must squeeze in order to let a new person in, and a new person comes with his own expectations, habits, with his own understanding of comfort, he must build a nest for himself in new circumstances.
What does the doctrine of uniqueness require of us?
The strategy of biological diversity is well understood by modern people: few people do not consider the individuality and uniqueness of the individual to be an important value. We all want a diverse social fauna and admire some of the visible manifestations of it, such as European values that promote greater diversity among individuals.
Individual psychology and psychotherapy perform the evolutionary task of stimulating diversity, because the main result of therapy is the individual’s adaptation to his own uniqueness and a good relationship, first of all, with himself. “Love yourself” is the motto of our time, which means “get to know and accept yourself as you are, because your uniqueness is the goal of evolution.”
That is why - in order to maintain diversity - the modern world sets the task of adapting to the lives of all children, with almost any developmental characteristics.
The doctrine of uniqueness requires a special attitude towards personal boundaries: they are prescribed to be carefully guarded, and their violation is equated to an attack on uniqueness and development.
Smells, sounds and social status
American psychologist Edward Hall first spoke about personal space in 1963. He stated that the position of some people relative to others represents involuntary reactions to the smells and sounds that a person emits. In addition, the physical distance between people is also related to their social relationships.
Hall distinguished four zones that make up personal space: the intimate zone, from 0 to 46 centimeters, is the zone of touching, hugging, whispering; personal zone – from 46 centimeters to 1.2 meters, which includes close people and relatives; social zone – from 1.2 to 3.7 meters; public area – from 3.7–7.6 meters. But this division is rather arbitrary, because everything depends on the culture and upbringing of a person.
I worked with a family where the head is a German living in Russia. He has a Russian wife and two children. This is a completely happy family, but the husband could not get used to the tiny zone of his personal space that Moscow provided him. It bothered him that cars were driving too close to each other on the roads. Driving a car greatly depressed him, among other irritating factors.
Be careful, the boundaries are narrowing!
The higher the quality of life, the more personal space a person has and the more requests for its preservation. An increase in social status is always accompanied by an increase in personal space.
For example, take the metro or any other public transport. For a person who has the opportunity to travel in a car, a forced trip to the subway, tram, or trolleybus is an experience of some kind of social “fall.” Personal space is violated here - there are a lot of people, everyone is standing or sitting close, listening to music that you did not choose, smelling differently.
That’s why people in the subway isolate themselves from each other in one way or another. Previously - books and newspapers, now - tablets and phones. Everyone looks out of their own “window”, expanding their personal space through it. And if there is nothing at hand, then the person simply closes his eyes and tries to withdraw into himself, to fall asleep.
But the metro is the same way of transportation, allowing you to move from one point to another. But if there are a lot of people, then the metro cannot guarantee comfort. We choose a car because it is a box, a “house” where our boundaries expand. In addition, a car is a declaration of a certain status.
Boundaries must be crossed delicately
When a person finds himself in a situation where he must behave not according to his own rules, a violation of his personal boundaries is always inevitable. This is observed in all processes of training, education, treatment, and almost any interaction. For example, a person is seriously ill, he is unable to move or speak. He is lying down and another person is looking after him. And it’s not always someone close, it could be a nurse who was hired. And the person is practically deprived of his personal space, because even physically he can no longer control his life.
The fear of being helpless is generally one of the most common, and when a person who was so afraid of this becomes limited in his actions and capabilities, he experiences deep shame and vulnerability. Therefore, with patients whose life activity is limited and whose personal space is narrowed, it is necessary to be very careful and sensitive. It is necessary, both in words and in actions, and most importantly, in attitude, to try to convince the patient that there is nothing wrong with one person helping another.
There are a number of professions that involve penetrating our personal space and crossing personal boundaries. Let's take, for example, hairdressers, cosmetologists, tailors. We are happy to violate our personal boundaries by allowing someone to touch our body while giving a massage. Doctors also have this right, which it never occurs to us to challenge. We don’t get annoyed when they tell us: “Take off your clothes” or “Show me.” They have a mandate to access our private area.
Nurses also have permission. They are arms and legs for their patients, so here we can talk about expanding personal space through the nurse. Of course, it is important that the nurse understands this too.
In one hospital, stroke patients complained that nurses and aides were harsh and overly emotional in expressing their feelings towards patients. Then the hospital management invited nurses and orderlies to a training session: someone’s hand was tied and forced to put on clothes, someone’s fingers were interlocked and they were asked to write a letter. This was done to give hospital staff a sense of what it was like for the people they served. And it helped.
Situation 4. The child’s free time is taken away
When a child studies and helps with housework, this is normal. It's not normal for responsibilities to take up all his time. Or when his free time is interfered with. This is how time boundaries are violated.
Time is a non-renewable resource. By being careful with his time, you will prepare your child not to “waste” it in adulthood.
And then he can say no:
When he is distracted by empty talk: “I’m bored, let’s chat.”
When they try to solve their problems at his expense: “You still have nothing to do, will you give me a ride to the airport?”
Unasked for help is violence
If a person does not ask for help, but they try to “inflict” this help on him, then it always ends badly. In this case, the person who is trying to help declares: you can’t cope, you don’t control the situation, you are small, infantile, incapable - but I will do it for you. That is, through such “help” a person is given an assessment of his failure in this particular matter.
On the other hand, in our culture it is not customary for you to be alone when you are having a hard time. Friends and relatives should come to the rescue. And in order to demand “non-infliction” of good on oneself, it is necessary to explain to people that help must be in demand.
There is such a cartoon “Oh and Ah”. One hero, Ah, is lively, runs around, does something all the time. Another guy named Oh has classic depression. Ah makes him chop wood, clean, and does good. You can't do that. It turns out that they didn’t help Okh, but pointed his nose at his inability to live in such a state. Even if Oh makes an effort, in a week it will be covered with dirt again, and will not be combed or washed. This is a purely physical invasion of space, because in order for something to change, a significant person who still has access to such an Oh must say: “Do you need help? Do you want to change something? Let’s talk about this,” and thereby activate a person to put things in order in his life. How will he do this? When answering this question, Okh can already be offered help.
Sometimes our older, intelligent people start stress-interviewing people, especially young women: “Why are you not married? Why don't you have children? This is also a drastic invasion of personal space. And quite a serious problem. You need to teach and learn not to ask intimate questions, because this is a violation of boundaries.
Situation 1. The child is forced to finish eating
Forcibly feeding a child or forcing him to finish eating is a violation of his physical boundaries. By this we inform him that he should not trust his bodily sensations (hunger, satiety), but an external observer (mom, dad, grandmother), who for some reason knows better about this.
Violation of physical boundaries is everything that has to do with the body and bodily sensations.
Here are other examples of intrusion into these boundaries:
The child is forced to sleep: through intimidation, threats, and persuasion.
They rummage through things without permission, look through personal messages, check their phone.
Physical punishment is used. Even a light slap on the bottom can cause a child to feel humiliated and helpless, and subsequently lead to the conviction that “I can be hit if I behave ‘wrong’.”
Learn to negotiate
Russia is a caring country, but we do not know how to express our feelings in words, despite the richest literature. It is easier for us to show another person “outwardly” that he is unpleasant to us than to say so directly. This is called “destructive conflict resolution,” that is, an attempt to escape from solving a problem, for example, to abruptly stop communicating.
On the one hand, you protect your personal space. But on the other hand, you don’t want to spend money on sorting out relationships and straightening them out. And you just need to tell the border guards on your territory: “Okay, he went inside, but that doesn’t mean I can’t tell him what I think.” And you need to hear what they answer. A dialogue can take place, and even a constructive one, you can change your opinion about the person.
On the border of personal space, you can build a three-meter fence, you can put a concrete wall. But the more permeable the wall, the higher our protection. Someone defends themselves with wealth, demonstration of power, aggression. But it's self-destructive.
Each person has his own defenders on the border of his personal space. Of course, it’s good when it’s goodwill, culture, upbringing, education, but people are different. And an impenetrable fence, rather, speaks of a person’s inner fears, the inability to see beyond the fence, and the reluctance to move.
Moving forward is a defense supported by respect, mercy, and patience. We must be able to protect both our values and the values of another person.
Content
- What are personal boundaries and why do people need them?
- Types of personality boundaries;
- Signs of weak personal boundaries;
- Why do we allow our personal boundaries to be violated;
- Who most often violates a person’s personal boundaries;
- How to determine personal boundaries;
- 3 ways to protect personal boundaries;
- How to set personal boundaries;
- How to withstand pressure from loved ones;
- How to learn to say: “NO”;
- Personal boundaries in relationships;
