At the very beginning of a romantic relationship, lovers, as a rule, want to spend absolutely all their time next to each other. Having set up their “family nest”, partners get the opportunity not to be separated literally for a minute. At first, this brings them great pleasure, but a little later this fervor subsides a little, and people have a desire to somewhat diversify their leisure time. They increasingly want to meet with friends, engage in their favorite hobbies, and spend a little time outside the home. It must be said that this desire is absolutely normal, because a relationship is a union of two completely different, free people, each of whom has the right to their own personal space. It's good if both partners understand this. Otherwise, any shopping trip with a friend or a fishing trip has every chance of developing into a scandal every time. And it’s not far from separation. Therefore, it seems extremely important here to dot the i’s by understanding why it is so important for each family member to maintain their own personal space.
What is personal space in simple words
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If you look at the life of each individual individually, you can imagine a diagram in which the starting point is that a person is in a small circle - this is a close family, the second circle is a little wider - the clan, the third - collectives, the fifth circle denotes society .
So, the distance between the point and the circles can be conditionally called the desired personal space. In other words, at what distance a person would like to communicate with this or that circle of people. In psychology, personal space refers to the distance at which a person holds someone with whom he enters into a relationship.
This spatial zone can change depending on the personal perception of this person and sympathy for him. If there is no internal desire to get closer, then the distance will be maximum.
When communicating with another person, people keep a distance that is comfortable and safe for them. The key point in this situation is the safe distance. Thanks to the established distance, a person can regulate his own impulses and control the impulses of his interlocutor. Both social and physical intimacy should be under the control of the person himself; only he himself can decide how close this or that person can be allowed to approach him.
Relationships and personal space
Personal space is necessary for both men and women, and even children. As soon as a person begins to identify himself as a separate unit from society, he begins to select and establish for himself the most acceptable and comfortable distance between other people.
Personal space functions
A person’s personal space performs the following functions:
- The ability to control intraspecific aggression.
- Maintaining internal and external freedom by building personal space between yourself and your interlocutor.
- Maintaining privacy. For a modern person, this function plays an important role; only in the process of communication does a person decide how close he can allow a person to be.
When it comes to personal space in a couple, it is worth proceeding from what their relationship is actually based on. Intimate intimacy erases the distance and it may seem that the partner no longer needs personal space, but this is a very big misconception.
Respect for a person’s personal privacy is necessary even within the family. This is akin to communication etiquette, when you respect your partner’s desire to be alone, do his favorite thing, or sit at a table at a certain distance.
To ensure that conflicts on this issue do not flare up and result in serious misunderstandings, you should be attentive to your partner, and even better, discuss this in a pleasant and trusting atmosphere.
Signs that your boundaries are being violated
Not everyone catches this moment. It is very easy to confuse caring with your partner’s obsessive intrusion into your “territory.” How to define an unceremonious violation of personal boundaries? I will describe specific life situations.
- “Now I’ll tell you what to do next.”
When you're going through some tough times, it's normal for your partner to try to support you. But you must understand that there are cases when you must make a decision yourself. If your spouse keeps asking you for advice on any matter, it means that he is imposingly strolling through your comfort zone. Often this is not a desire to care, but a way to demonstrate one's strength. - “You worry about nonsense!
Better do something useful." Devaluation is a clear violation of personal boundaries in a relationship. Remember that only you can decide what is important to you and what is not. Usually manipulators like to throw around such phrases. They appeal to your conscience, shame, and even doubt the adequacy of your perception. - “You only think about yourself!
You actually have a husband and children.” Thinking about yourself is not a crime, but a necessity. Do you remember how to prioritize in the family? You come first. Because if you act only to please your loved ones, you will simply “burn out” and lose your personal space forever. What does it look like if you take care of yourself? Full and comfortable. - “You shouldn’t do this!”
We are talking about specific restrictions on the part of the husband. For example, he forbids you to get a job, meet friends, or go shopping. This shouldn't happen in a healthy relationship. Each spouse is endowed with freedom of choice. And if you can’t take a single step without your partner’s approval, these are already signs of an authoritarian family model.
If you observe similar cases in your life, be sure to talk with your chosen one. Discuss what is acceptable in your union and what is not.
How to maintain your personal space in a relationship
Every person knows exactly what personal space he needs. If you are interested, then observe strangers, yourself, what distance you stand with strangers, what distance you keep with your friends and family.
The concept of personal space includes laws on maintaining intrapersonal boundaries. Violation of these boundaries causes stress and discomfort, which leads to conflicts and discord between people.
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Personal space is extremely important and it is necessary to discuss the rules of communication with a loved one in advance. The conversation can cover the following topics:
- Each partner in the family should have their own territory.
Watch and you will see that a woman does not tolerate other “helpers” in her kitchen, and this is not only because she knows how to cook better, it’s just that this is her territory, where she is the mistress. Subconsciously, this is exactly how she accepts it, although she works on it for the whole family. Men create a “dome of silence” for themselves in their offices and garages. The desire to have one’s own territory and control it has been inherent in humans since ancient times.
- Your personal interests and hobbies also require privacy and it is quite normal to ask not to be disturbed during your activities.
- It is a big mistake to think that partners should, like Siamese twins, not leave each other.
Oversaturation with each other's presence can cause a loss of interest over time; to prevent this from happening, never lose your hobbies and chances for personal development.
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Everything that was interesting before the relationship is worth preserving; do not deny yourself this, do not sacrifice personal interests for the sake of the relationship. With a competent and honest attitude towards each other, you can preserve your hobbies and your personal boundaries, as the right to maintain intrapersonal comfort.
When a partner rudely demands that you give up your favorite activities for his sake, this can be seen as a restriction of your freedom. It is here that personal space and boundaries are grossly violated, sometimes the message of restrictions looks quite harmless, just phrases, questions, but they force you to make a decision not of your own free will.
So, for example, husbands or wives decide what to wear for a partner when meeting with friends or girlfriends, what movie and what time to watch, what to eat and even what sport to play. All this is a gross violation of personal space and boundaries.
Boundaries are a line that no one should cross, even a loved one should not violate them. Psychologists recommend instilling in children from an early age respect for the personal space of other people and defending their own boundaries.
The main postulate in a relationship is respect for each other, acceptance of personal hobbies and characteristics of your partner. It’s a bad sign if you notice in yourself that you get irritated when your partner takes time for himself, you’re angry that he can have fun without you and even communicate with his friends. All this causes resentment, anger and claims towards the partner.
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This behavior is driven by the desire to build dependent relationships, but, as practice shows, this is a utopia. Try to understand that every person is free and you, first of all, in order not to be alone and not to stress yourself out that your loved one is in a gym class, you can sign up for foreign language courses, go to personal growth trainings.
A lot of activities can fill the vacuum that causes addiction. Ideally, with such problems, it is best to contact a psychologist or psychotherapist who will help you find the root cause that forces you to build dependent relationships and help you change your attitudes towards interpersonal relationships.
Stage 1. A fairy tale in reality
At the beginning of a relationship, both partners devote all their time to each other. They tend to go for walks more often, play sports together, visit friends and parties. Is it love or addiction - a rhetorical question. One thing is clear - without the opportunity to hug or even touch a loved one, a feeling of discomfort arises; you want to immediately find out where he is and what he is doing. During the first weeks or months, such relationships are like a fairy tale, because mutual understanding reigns between the partners, they know everything about each other, the interests, habits and preferences of the other half. Communication brings only pleasant emotions, but living separately plunges you into depression.
Don't disrupt your spatial behavior
Not many people know why it is so important not to violate their spatial behavior, but this is the basis and a reliable layer for building harmonious relationships with the outside world.
Being in a space where there is no possibility of privacy, restoring your own resources and feeling that it is your piece of territory deals a strong blow to a person’s psycho-emotional state.
For living together and the harmonious development of relationships, it is important to respect and preserve the personal space of the partner. Otherwise, stress and discontent will increase, and the internal desire to escape and get away from discomfort will grow and find a way out. There are three rules that your partner should know:
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- You have the right to continue to pursue your favorite hobbies in your relationship. This is your personal desire and your partner must respect it.
- You have the right to be alone with yourself in your conditional territory, and this does not mean that you do not love or are tired of your partner, you just need it and your psyche.
- You have the right to declare that your space is being violated. Of course, it’s worth talking about this competently and without aggression.
In the same way, you should respect and understand your partner’s personal boundaries and space.
There are several ways to protect your personal boundaries:
- A passive way of protecting one’s boundaries is when a person does not tell another that he is violating his boundaries. He is waiting for him to figure it out on his own and stop violating it. She uses various hints for this. For example, a friend regularly gives me advice that I did not ask her for. I don’t tell her that this is unpleasant for me, but I tell her that some psychologist writes on her blog that unsolicited advice is aggression. And at the same time, I don’t explain to her why I’m saying this.
- The aggressive method is when, in response to a violation of boundaries, a person responds with a counter violation of boundaries, i.e. aggression. For example, they shouted at me in line, and I shouted back at them.
- Withdrawal is when, in response to a violation of boundaries, a person leaves the situation or breaks off the relationship. For example, someone wrote an insult to me on a social network, and in response I added this person to the “black list”.
- A confident way of defense is when, in response to a violation of boundaries, a person tells the other in response that his boundary has been violated, and what kind of boundary it is. He asks not to do this again, otherwise he will use some action to protect himself. For example, a person I don’t know starts talking to me on a first-name basis, thereby violating my boundary. I tell this person that he is talking to me on a first-name basis and that this is unpleasant for me. I ask him not to do that again, but to talk to me on a first-name basis. Otherwise I will stop talking to him.
Different methods of protecting boundaries are suitable for different situations. It is impossible to say with certainty that one method of protection is bad and another is good. It is important to consider the situation itself, how the violation occurs, and who is the trespasser. And based on this, choose the method of protection that will best suit your specific situation.
Free leisure3
The statement: “I need personal space” comes from a partner whose oxygen is being cut off. Being with the object of adoration for days on end is a wonderful pastime, but sometimes you just want to drink beer with friends, go fishing with an overnight stay in a male company. The weaker sex also likes to have bachelorette parties, to wash the bones of men, careless girlfriends and bosses. They love to sit in a cafe in a group of women, catching admiring glances from strangers, and then, missing their sweetheart, rush home to hear his voice as quickly as possible.
Treat yourself with respect
It is not enough to simply talk about your personal boundaries. You need to behave like a person who deserves respect. “When you truly respect yourself, it shows in your behavior,” says Sarah Nasserzadeh. - For example, are you always ready to give up your own plans just because your partner insists on it? Doesn’t it bother you that your chosen one doesn’t consider it necessary to open the door for you, help you out of the car, or give you flowers for no reason? Keep in mind, this is how you give signals that you are ready to put up with disrespectful attitude toward yourself.”
Be gentle
Keep in mind that such a conversation may offend your partner. Be diplomatic. First, set the “scene.” For example, when starting a conversation, tell your chosen one how important he is to you, how much you value your relationship. That is why you would like to change something about them. Then list the things that upset you about his behavior. At the same time, focus on the action itself. For example, you can say that you don't like it when they promise to call at a certain time and don't do it. Or that you would be grateful if you were warned in advance about the visit, etc.
Test the waters
Declaring your right to personal space to your partner is not so easy. First, try to find out his point of view on things that matter to you. Ask him, for example, how he feels about agreements, whether it is easy for him to come to terms with the cancellation of a long-awaited date, whether he considers it normal to show feelings in public, etc. “This may seem a little strange because you're probably not used to having these conversations unless your personal boundaries have been unceremoniously violated,” says Erica Lawrence. “But over time, the awkwardness will go away.” In addition, you will not need to constantly protect your personal space - it will become a natural part of your life.
The habit of being lonely2
Not every child was born and raised in an ideal environment. Every family has different foundations, and most parents live side by side with their offspring, without giving them special love and hugs. This is how limited adults grow up, not accustomed to close proximity and the manifestation of warm feelings. They are not accustomed to the tenderness of a calf and the presence of another person 24 hours a day.
Internal discomfort awakens you to move away from your life partner and declare your love of freedom. This does not mean that there is indifference and coldness in his soul. Even with passionate feelings, he can keep his distance and be alone from time to time.
