Should you continue the relationship if you have doubts? When should you end and when should you save a relationship?

• October 10, 2018
• Psychology of relationships
• Yulia Shishkina

A close connection with another person cannot be sustained by love alone. Having support, mutual understanding and many other important things creates truly strong relationships. But sometimes it happens that partners have too many disagreements. If there are doubts whether it is worth continuing the relationship, you should look into the issue and decide whether the connection can be maintained or whether it is worth breaking it off, no matter how difficult it may be.

Rest from your partner

When you feel like you're starting to get annoyed that your loved one is around all the time, don't blame yourself. It's completely normal to be tired of your partner, especially for people who have been in a relationship for a long time. If you have any doubts about whether to continue, try taking some rest.

If possible, live separately or meet less often than you usually do. Perhaps your worries are caused only by fatigue from routine, and soon you will begin to miss the days when you spent time with your chosen one.

Listen to your feelings, and if separation is only a joy, think about whether you need to torment yourself in a relationship with someone whose company does not bring you pleasure.

Everyday life

Usually the days you live are not much different from each other. You get up, do exercises, have breakfast, go to work, and relax in the evening. Relationships have a chance if such ordinary days can be colored by thoughts about a loved one, meetings with him, simple manifestations of care and tenderness.

For example, a young man gets up a little earlier, comes to you to take you to work, makes a cup of coffee in the morning, or goes with you to the park to enjoy a wonderful morning.

The smallest manifestations of romance illuminate gray everyday life, making them meaningful, memorable, and bright. They give you the feeling that you are alive. Even if one day you break up with your boyfriend, you will remember the time you spent with him. You will evaluate your next partners based on the level of relationships that you once managed to enjoy.

Trust as the basis of strong relationships

When falling in love, a person hopes that his partner will always be faithful to him. And this applies not only to the absence of betrayal, but also to the preservation of all the secrets that are revealed to him.

If you don't feel safe sharing your most intimate things with your significant other, consider whether to continue the relationship. You should feel comfortable and cozy next to the person closest to you, and a lack of trust will only bring worries.

Should I end the relationship or not?

All this is reality, so before you end your current relationship, being deluded about supposedly wonderful prospects in your personal life, you should think very carefully. But, of course, there are situations when ending a relationship will be to your benefit. These are situations where your partner:

• drinks;
• raises his hand to you;
• has serious problems and does not solve them - for example, does not want to work;
• if your partner is a tyrant and treats you poorly;
• systematically changes;
• etc.

In all these cases, the relationship is unlikely to be harmonious, and you will only waste the time of your life trying to save the situation.

Negative emotions

It is extremely difficult to always maintain a positive attitude, since in the adult life of any person there are many stresses and problems. But if you notice that your partner, coming home from work or a meeting, begins to throw out negative emotions on you, this is a reason to think about whether it is worth continuing the relationship, to understand how to change the situation and whether this is possible.

Try to support your significant other, show due attention and take part in his life. But if, despite all your efforts, a person continues to spoil your mood day after day, he probably does not care about your peace of mind. And there is something to think about...

What is so good about it

There may be many reasons to doubt the current alliance. The further development of specific relationships will be determined by their number and depth.

For clarity, it is worth listing the most common reasons:

• Constant disagreements.
• Rare or short time spent together.
• Infidelity.
• Selfishness.

Often these problems occur in combination , which only aggravates the situation. Nevertheless, there are people who are ready to turn a blind eye even to this.

In any case, whether there is one reason or several, you need to think. Speaking about the continuation of current relations, it is necessary to highlight the following positive aspects:

1. Possibility to correct existing errors.
2. No need to look for another partner.
3. Creation and development of a new stage of relationships.
4. Preservation of invested resources.

The first point is the most obvious among the advantages of this option.
But it is suitable only for those who are able to draw the right conclusions from situations. This is not suitable for those who like to jump on old rakes. Not everyone wants to look for another partner .
After all, you will have to spend energy, nerves and resources on this again. What if they also deceive you? The unknown scares many people. It is difficult to understand how life will turn out if you take a different path. Often the understanding that a partner may leave provokes a person to take more serious actions. For example, doubts can rush a couple into marriage, which has long been suggested. But one of the partners constantly postponed this moment.

We have already talked about relationships in which people overcame difficulties and continued to live together. The situation mentioned is a similar example. This tempers and strengthens the union. Such pairs are more durable.

People spend a lot of resources on their personal lives. This includes time, emotions, nerves, and money. It's very unpleasant when it all goes nowhere. Therefore, people often prefer to maintain their current relationship.

Boredom and lack of variety

When you were just starting your journey together, your desire to be close was irresistible. But time passed and everything changed. You are no longer happy with the thought of the upcoming meeting, and your partner’s stories make you sleepy. This situation is familiar to couples who know everything about each other, and there is nothing to surprise them. Before you decide whether to stay in a relationship with a guy or girl if you're bored with them, get to the root of the problem.

Perhaps you simply lack variety, and this situation is completely correctable. Look for new activities that you both would enjoy, visit other cities or countries, constantly seek new experiences. There is a chance that you will soon fall in love with each other again, and thoughts of separation will quietly disappear.

Vacation

A clear sign that allows you to understand whether to continue your relationship is the appearance of cunning ideas on how to spend your vacation. The weekend is a small rehearsal for life together. They can be spent together, getting to know each other better and enjoying the time when work is not hanging over you like the sword of Damocles.

When you are in love, the thought of going to the sea with a friend or buying a tour of the cities of Italy does not even occur to you. You dream of going there only with the young man you are in love with. With him you want to wake up, enjoy sunrises, and enjoy sunsets in the evenings.

As soon as one of you begins to be cunning and come up with different schemes, there is a risk that the relationship is nearing its end.

Example of situation development:

• You go on vacation together, but three days later he leaves because he couldn’t take a vacation for the full duration of the trip. Or you didn't want to cut it. The result is the same - you were unable to agree or meet each other halfway, which is a sure sign of a possible breakdown in communication.
• You arrived together, but everyone is busy with themselves. You only see each other in the morning and evening, and even then not every day.
• He generally refuses to go with you, citing plans to spend the weekend with his parents, and does not even think about inviting you to meet them.

Photo by cottonbro: Pexels
Perhaps, instead of relaxing together, you choose to meet with your parents and girlfriends. It turns out that each of you builds the boundary of the world in which your partner can or cannot exist.

You're not in love

Not everyone is ready to admit that discord in a relationship may not only be the fault of the partner. The reasons may also lie within you. You need to understand yourself so as not to make a mistake.

Having met a person, you felt affection for him and gratitude for the fact that he supports you and is there in difficult times. Such relationships are good for friendship, but another detail is important for marriage - love. Think about whether it is worth continuing a relationship if there are doubts that you have real feelings for the person. By being sincere with yourself and honestly admitting that you are not feeling the emotions you need, you can leave this situation and go in search of love.

Bad experience

If you once experienced similar mixed feelings towards another person, remember how this union ended. Your current relationship doesn't have to be exactly like your previous one, but you should still trust your experience.

If you are constantly trying to improve the situation, improve your communication, but at the same time you notice that everything is heading towards separation, is it worth continuing the relationship? If you have doubts that their ending will not be the same as that of your past relationships, listen to yourself.

Does an ideal exist?

Love relationships begin with the idealization of the partner, they are replaced by addiction, then there is a stage of irritation, then friendship, then love. Different psychologists call these stages differently, but the essence is the same - there are no ideal relationships. On the path to true love, you need to overcome many pitfalls, including boredom, fatigue, laziness, irritation from living together and from your partner’s behavior. But the main thing is the understanding that this is just a period that needs to be overcome through joint efforts, and not end the relationship in the hope of finding someone with whom everything will be perfect.

This is where the trap lies - there will be no ideal relationship with anyone, it’s just that there will be some problems with one partner, and others with another. And at the same time, as we have already said, you still need to first find a worthy partner (which also takes a lot of time and effort, not counting cases of exceptional luck). Therefore, if you are currently going through a negative period in your relationship, take a closer look at your partner, identify the positive aspects of your relationship, and analyze the negative aspects of the union.

Signs that you need to end a relationship with a man

A woman should always feel desired and loved. Regardless of whether she lives with her partner or is just starting a relationship with a man. Is it worth continuing to believe that their union has a future if the chosen one no longer pays due attention to her? You can try to maintain such a relationship, but it will not bring joy, as it was before, when the man paid compliments and was ready to spend all the time with his beloved.

For a strong marriage and creating a family, women choose reliable men who can protect and support at any time. If they constantly feel stressed and afraid, and their partner is too busy with their own problems, they may no longer be fully interested in the relationship.

If the actions of your chosen one differ from his promises, you are unlikely to be able to rely on him. Each woman decides for herself what qualities are most important to her, but a partner in whom there is no trust will always not be the best choice for life together.

Cons of continuing a relationship without a future

• Fading of feelings . A relationship that leads “to nowhere” is not so bad. Sometimes it happens that people who loved each other with all their souls suddenly begin to hate each other with the same force with which they loved. This can be clearly seen in elderly couples of grandparents who do nothing but argue. Sometimes putting an end to such cohabitation is the best way out: at least, the person you once loved will definitely not cause anger.
• Aggression . Where love disappears, indifference, boredom and disrespect appear. If a man (and sometimes a woman, times are advanced now, anything can happen) in principle was not distinguished by a persistent and accommodating disposition, he may begin to have a hand in beating a girl, wife and/or his children. This is the case when you need to run away from a relationship as quickly as possible.
• Parents' disappointment . The longer parents get used to the chosen one of their daughter/son, the longer they will move away from the news that “everything has become bad.” Living by Soviet standards of relationships (where a husband’s alcoholism is not a reason for divorce), they may simply not accept that their sweet daughter (or golden son) is suffering again. On the other hand, this is not yet the most advanced case: there are stories of how parents tried to do something and return their loved one when everything was already over.
• Lack of prospects . Remaining in the “swamp” of a relationship without a future, the guy/girl still excludes himself from the search for a new soulmate. They lose all opportunities to love and be loved again, to find any kind of happiness. However, if people do not strive to find a new soulmate, and they are quite happy with living together for the sake of convenience, you should not blame them - everyone has their own happiness.
• Lack of a “love” atmosphere . This problem is relevant not only for those couples who managed to have children, but primarily for them. A child can be raised physically and morally (and mentally) healthy only in an adequate family where the father and mother love each other. Otherwise, without having an example of a loving relationship before his eyes, the child may grow up socially maladapted or even maladjusted. This problem may seem funny, but psychologists who then help such children reflect on their childhood problems as adults do not consider it such.

Relationships with someone who is already married

Sometimes it happens that a person falls in love with someone whose heart is already occupied, and whose passport has a marriage stamp. An affair begins, which subsequently forces the person to put up with the fact that his partner is not free. Such a union is rarely strong, and statistics say that only five percent out of a hundred leave their legal spouses for new lovers, and half of them soon return. If you need stability and security, you should consider whether to continue a relationship with a married man or a married woman.

Return to former partners

People are used to the fact that a relationship consists of two people who love each other, but this is not always true. Sometimes people get into relationships out of fear of loneliness or because they have to. If you feel that your partner does not really like you, you should end the relationship.

After a breakup, two people feel depressed and seek to fill the emptiness in their souls by communicating with new potential partners. But this does not always work out well, and they return to each other again to continue the relationship. You can decide whether it is worth contacting your ex again by looking at the reasons for the discord. Someone interfering with your happiness, problems at work at once, or any other reason, corrected at the time of reunion, are a thing of the past and will no longer affect the relationship.

But if, while being around a person, you were constantly stressed, showed distrust, or were upset by his behavior, it would not be a good idea to return to him. People can undoubtedly change their outlook on life or priorities, but they do not know how to turn into an ideal partner immediately after breaking up.

If you see that everything that didn't suit you has been corrected, you can give this relationship another chance. But don’t get carried away by constant breakups to teach the person another lesson. This way you will only deceive your own expectations and ultimately be completely disappointed in the one you loved.

If you decide to resume your relationship with your ex-partner, but it doesn’t work out again, call it a day. Let the person go, give him and yourself a chance for new happiness!

Stage of doubt in a relationship

From the lecture by Torsunov O.G. “Victory over heavy family karma” July 14, 2021 Radhadesh (Belgium).

— FULL LECTURE (LINK) —

Doubts at the beginning of a relationship

Torsunov:
- He who is cheerful laughs. Whoever wants it will achieve it. Who seeks will always find! Therefore, my dears, understand this thing, the very first knowledge that you should receive in your heart: beware of doubting. Do you feel that doubt has entered your heart, you have already lost half of your fate. Doubts are a terrible force that destroys life. What is doubt? This evil fate is already affecting you to the fullest. And doubt is not something that stands inside you. This acts through you on a loved one. He is already losing faith in living with you. That's why there are so many civil marriages in Europe. Because in Europe there are so many people who love to doubt. I understand that people everywhere have their own nature. Let’s say that in Russia a person acts first, then thinks. Here, measure ten times and cut once, that's also good. But we do not apply this logic to doubts. Doubt is not the way to win. Doubt is a good thing if it is at the beginning of the path.

Let’s say you decide to move towards marriage in relation to some person. That's it, never doubt it again. Because if you're afraid that you won't accept this person into your life, it might happen. But this will happen if you are already sure that nothing more could be done. But if you doubt it from the very beginning, then you definitely won’t accept it. Because doubt leads to defeat. Doubt itself. Let's say you are going somewhere with someone. And you say, “I doubt we’ll come.” If the other person has no doubt that we will come, then most likely you will come. But if you both doubt that you will come, then you definitely won’t come. Because there is a small obstacle, and you no longer move on, but stand. Or let’s say a person says: “Oleg Gennadievich, I want to be treated by you, but I doubt it.” And we say: “We will not take you for treatment.” He says: “Why?” “I’ll explain why. This has happened to us often. When a person begins treatment, there are some obstacles in his life in relation to treatment. And these obstacles, small obstacles, immediately destroy his faith.” He says: “No, your treatment doesn’t help me, that’s all,” And we return the money for the treatment. That is, we did the job, bam. The person is just a small obstacle, and he immediately: “Give me the money back, that’s it, it doesn’t help.” Well, imagine, let’s say you really wanted to go to the toilet. We sat down, it didn’t work out a little, we got up and left. And so every time. Well, how do you go to the toilet then? This is impossible. So you can “get out of your pants” later. Well, that is, in other words, this is wrong thinking. And this wrong thinking is very common in personal life. Why did I start this topic? Because in a person’s personal life, the expectation of personal happiness is so great, so strong, that when he sees a small obstacle, he thinks: “Well, that’s it. The banquet was ruined.” You see, when a person was preparing a big banquet, and something was not such a big problem, the tablecloth was doused with something. Well - that's it! The banquet was ruined. You see, so is a person. He was planning for himself a happy family life, he had already made all the plans, and then one day, he saw some kind of flaw in his loved one. That's all.

1 hour; 05 minutes; 07 seconds of lecture recording

Doubts in a relationship with a man. Is it worth continuing the relationship?!

- All. Well, that's all! That is, well, that’s all. You see, the person began to doubt, so it will be so. With his doubt, he leads fate to a dead end. The young man is doing very well (the young man asked the question a little earlier). It’s good that he wants to defeat fate, he rented it, and says: “Should I take a loan, or should I sell everything?” Here. This is good, in this regard everything is great. What should I add? Caution. That is, you see victory, you see the goal, everything is great, but you need to add caution. and take small steps. Careful, don't rush. And you will succeed. Because it’s worse when a person is afraid to do it. If he is afraid to take money, he is afraid to start making money. Then you won’t do anything at all. Because doubts never give you the opportunity to move forward.

There are two extremes: one extreme is “running ahead of the train.” And the second extreme is to stand and think: go, don’t go, go, don’t go. Well, it’s just 2 more minutes and he’s already gone. Once my assistant and I came to the railway station. The train has arrived, and we are standing: ours, not our train, ours, not ours. He - once, and went. It turned out to be ours. Seriously, it happened, this is not a joke. Well, I had no doubt. he was simply responsible for it, and he thought for a long time: our train or not ours. There was a train at the station for just two minutes (laughs). I realized that he was thinking too long. The train has already left.

Is the topic clear or not?

What to do with doubts? Prayer. Remember: doubt is a huge obstacle in a person’s life. And if it comes, you need to remove it with prayer. Because this obstacle will undoubtedly ruin your life. This applies to all very important events in a person’s life. The most important event in life is family. I got married - that’s it, goodbye to doubts. If something is wrong, God will correct it, don’t worry. But if you doubt it, it will definitely not be like that. Doubt will itself destroy your life. If, for example, you have already eaten food, there is no need to doubt that it is (was) good. Because if you doubt, you will have indigestion. Even if it's good. And if it is bad, then at least doubt it, at least don’t doubt it, there will be diarrhea. Life will tell, the time will come. Why doubt? Doubts themselves lead to indigestion. In order not to doubt, a person must understand where to get faith from.

Most people do not contact God and do not understand how to do this. You see, faith in health comes from nature. They say to me: “Oleg Gennadievich, you look so cool, as if you don’t travel two circles around the Earth in a year.” And I just travel two circles around the Earth in a year. And I look great, right? Why? Because I love nature (the recording disappears for a moment) ... You run. The repeat offender also runs. This does not improve his health. I love nature. When I run, I saturate myself with nature, I experience saturation. And this nature gives me in gratitude for my love, it gives me health. But you were thinking this morning: the weather is bad, I came, I wanted some sun, right? Don't you think so? (inaudible from the audience). If you can’t run, you have to walk, walk for a long time. If you walk for a long time, the time will come when you start running. If you can't walk, then you have to crawl. I'm serious, I'm not joking. If you don't crawl, you won't walk. And if you crawl, you will definitely walk. If a person cannot crawl, then he must lie down and constantly move his arms and legs. I have one woman who is wheelchair bound. She can't even crawl. I told her this a hundred times. And she bought herself such a device that she just started moving her hands like that, and she started to come to life. Her health began to improve. Do you understand? If you cannot crawl, then constantly move your arms and legs. If you move your arms and legs, you will crawl. When you crawl, you walk. You will go and run. This is how the infant rises. First he wiggles his arms and legs, right? Who had a child? Then he starts crawling, then he starts walking, then he starts running, that’s it. Such a system. And it doesn’t matter whether the knees have been operated on or not. Now, if you have implants there, he will accept the implants. He will adapt to them. If there are artificial joints, it will take on an artificial composition. My mother has artificial joints on both knees. nothing, she’s running around on the treadmill, it’s normal. He's walking better and better. Do not doubt. Doubts will destroy your health.

(Woman: inaudible).

Torsunov:

– Where to get strength from, where to get strength in relationships. Out of love for people. A successful person means: strong in society. This means that in some area he loves people very much. He strongly believes in people. A successful person means strong contact with people. He loves people very much, which means he can greatly change the situation in his life. With what? With my family life, with my work. Just imagine, a person who loves people very much. comes to get a job. Strong love for people is strength. Strength is visible in all people, it does not need to be shown, there is no need to show a diploma of higher education. “Look, I’m a successful person, I have a diploma,” as it were. Everyone looks not at the diploma, but at the person. And if strength comes from a person, he loves people, he loves work. Let's say a man is especially important. He will be hired. At least try, but they will take it. Because they will see that power comes from him. For example, a girl needs a diploma saying that she is beautiful or not? Strength emanates from her, and in their hearts they look at the girl, she is beautiful, and they marry her. This force operates in approximately the same way when a person comes to work to get a job. Another comes and looks, he’s all “out of his mind”, he doesn’t get along with people at all. He came from somewhere from outer space to get a job. And he thinks: “We don’t need such an “astronaut” at all. Let him fly further somewhere.” You see, when a person does not have the strength to interact with people, his self-esteem becomes very weak. You say the slightest thing about him, and immediately - “bang.” He begins to think badly about himself. This means that a person does not have a developed sense of self-worth. No experience interacting with people. He is not experienced, he has not trained himself to love people. Didn't have much contact with them. And therefore he is weak in relationships with people. Therefore, socially weak. There is only one social force a person has in this life, this force is called love for people. If you love to do something for people, then this power creates an opportunity in you, all the possibilities in this world. I noticed this when I was studying at the institute, the teachers there often “extinguished” me. That is, I was somehow unsure of myself in my youth. Well, it was such an unfavorable family, it was dysfunctional. And I was kind of a loner, and at school I was somehow on my own, I didn’t communicate much with people. And therefore, when teachers saw me, they always “extinguished” me. They saw that I was so weak, unsure of myself, and they always failed me in exams. But when I passed my PhD, it was a different situation. And at that time I had been giving lectures for 20 years, and I was very strong, loved people, communicated with them. When I came out to defend my dissertation, I had my own experience of how the teachers treated me. They usually knocked me down. And then they began to behave completely differently with me. Although they did not listen to my lectures. They just saw me as a person who kind of fits what he does, you know? That is, they saw a correspondence. And they started talking about it. They felt a person who has experience interacting with people. There's no getting around this. If a person has such power, it will not go anywhere. And this gives success in life.

1 hour; 16 minutes; 15 seconds of lecture recording

– Although he is not a scientist by nature. I don’t sit there in these scientific studies all day long, I’m a practitioner. But, nevertheless, my dissertation was unanimously accepted. Because they felt powerful. Do you understand what I'm talking about? And the most important strength. This is the study of Who God is. That is, you need to learn to interact with Him. There is no need to be afraid of, say, some people in sundresses there. here men walk around in sheets. What kind of nonsense is this? Let's go to the temple to see what kind of faith it is? Let's go, they say, there's a Catholic one there, let's go and see a Buddhist one. There is no need to be afraid where people interact with God. This is scary on the one hand. Because this is a different environment. There is some kind of barrier there. But a person should not be afraid. Because he must study - Who is God. And if a person studies Who God is, he has power in interacting with Him. This power is called faith. And in this power of interaction with God, it destroys all the obstacles of fate. Just like an elephant destroys a fence when it gets mad. He simply doesn't notice him. He runs as if there is no fence. Do you understand? So is the person who believes in God. Everyone seems to have obstacles. He has no obstacles.

READ THE LECTURE NEXT: - HOW PRAYER HELPS AND EFFECTS ON A PERSON. EXAMPLES -

Is it worth continuing a long distance relationship?

As you know, all ages are submissive to love, but this is not the only obstacle that people who want to be with each other can overcome. It is not uncommon to find long distance relationships. If you are a member of such, you should invest a lot of effort and patience into them.

In the modern world, it is not difficult to talk to a person who is thousands of kilometers away from us. Social networks, telephone communications and other methods of communication help you know everything about your lover, no matter where he is. But over time, this becomes not enough, there is not enough presence nearby and simple human warmth. Such a connection is undoubtedly not easy to maintain, but it will test your feelings. Having passed this test, you are unlikely to wonder in the future whether it is worth continuing the relationship.

But if you suddenly notice that your significant other makes contact less and less and is no longer so interested in talking with you, this is a reason to think about it. Perhaps the person is simply busy, dealing with problems that have piled up, but the reason may be different - he is tired of such relationships. You don’t need to immediately complain to him, try to understand him and find out what’s wrong.

But if your partner does not fully work on such a relationship, it will be impossible to maintain it. In this matter, the efforts of both parties, complete trust and mutual understanding are important.

Have you studied all the advice and considered different options for the outcome of events, but are you still tormented by doubts? Talk to your significant other about how you feel, but don't directly talk about the important choice facing you. Perhaps your loved one is experiencing the same emotions, and together you will find a way out of the situation. Support each other's decisions and don't stay in relationships that don't make you happy!

Situations of choice

Another good indicator of whether your relationship will last is how you behave in situations where you have to make a choice.

For example, you are dating a young man, you work at a large enterprise with many branches. One day you receive an offer to move to the head office, an opportunity to develop your career. You tell this news to the guy and at that moment you understand that not only your fate, but also his, depends on the decision.

Giphy

The way you present this information affects your future relationships. It becomes clear how ready he and you are for their continuation. Roughly, there are 3 options:

• You came to your boyfriend for advice, to hear his opinion, to understand how much he would approve of the move, whether he would agree to go with you. So you have a chance. Both sides are ready for further interaction.

• You came running and said that you had received a super offer and were leaving. There is neither an attempt to hear the partner’s opinion nor a desire to learn about his plans. This puts an end to the relationship. By the way, you can simulate a similar situation - come up with the choice you made regarding your future, and tell the young man about it. This way you will see his reaction and understand how he feels about your connection.
• First, you share the news with your mother or friend, come to some conclusion, then go to your partner with a ready-made solution. In this case, the relationship, of course, can be continued, but it is unlikely to be successful.

Your man plays the same roles. The fate of the relationship depends on how he presents important news and talks about himself.

Photo by cottonbro: Pexels