If a wife stops loving her husband: what to do, how to return love and save the family

One day a woman wakes up, clearly realizing that she has stopped loving her husband. Everything in his behavior begins to irritate, sexual desire has disappeared, even the very thought of intimacy is disgusting. Quarrels arise for no reason, and the thought constantly spins in my head: “Has love really passed away?” The state when passion gives way to indifference is normal, so you shouldn’t look for flaws in yourself. All that remains is to weigh everything and make a serious decision: try to revive feelings, save a loveless marriage, or get a divorce.

Reasons for cooling feelings

Love passes. Cases when a couple keeps their feelings throughout their lives are very rare. There are several reasons why a wife can stop loving her husband. Each of them can manifest itself at different stages of relationship development:

1. Wedding. Before marriage, lovers do not see any flaws in each other; each of them is fascinated by their other half. When the passport is stamped, love gradually recedes, especially if the young people did not live together before the wedding. This is due to the overwhelming everyday problems and inability to distribute responsibilities. Petty quarrels inevitably take away the charm.
2. First year. Spouses get to know each other better, and shortcomings become obvious.
3. Second year. The husband ceases to be ideal, the wife notices more and more of his negative traits. The spouse’s behavior, his manner of speech, gestures, and outlook on life begin to irritate. Quarrels arise over trifles, and money often becomes the cause of conflicts.
4. Third year. Relationship crisis. Conflicts arise more and more often, differences in views appear. Scandals arise from even small disagreements; spouses often hear nagging and criticism directed at them. Psychologists often consider this period to be a turning point; many couples separate after living together for 3 years.

After a quarrel

Quarrels and conflicts are a common cause of cooling feelings for a husband. If spouses constantly argue, then even a person with a stable psyche will sooner or later get tired of it. And fatigue from a partner greatly extinguishes feelings.

The other side of this coin is resentment. During a quarrel, the husband will consciously and not very much express complaints and criticize his wife, which will certainly humiliate and insult her. Such moral violence will not strengthen the relationship in any way. Some couples benefit from such emotional releases because they end in a stormy reconciliation, but this is the exception. Most often, the wife endures in silence until a certain moment, but one day the bubble bursts and everything that has accumulated spills out into the light.

A minor quarrel will never cause feelings to cool down. But if this happens every day, and the resentment only accumulates, then the next major scandal can put an end to the relationship.

After the baby is born

When a couple has a child, the marriage faces a major test. In this case, it does not matter at all whether the spouses have been together for one year or ten. A baby is happiness, but the joy of his birth is often overshadowed by everyday difficulties and growing expenses of the family budget.

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In addition, the child requires constant attention, especially from a woman, gradually displacing the husband into the background. Frequent illnesses of the baby, sleepless nights, educational games, walks for the mother turn into a real test, her only task is to ensure maximum comfort for the offspring. Feelings for her husband gradually cool down, because there is almost no time left for him, the spouses are increasingly moving away from each other.

Men rarely take an active part in raising children, so women often blame them for lack of help and lack of attention.

The wife constantly feels tired if her husband does not provide enough support. It begins to seem to her that he has fallen out of love, resentment arises, and, as a result, love begins to fade.

Other options

Different couples have different reasons for cooling their feelings.

Among other options why love passes, the following can be noted:

1. Lack of romance, monotonous relationships, boredom. Marriage turns into living together in one apartment. The spouses no longer have the desire to get to know each other, and spiritual distance occurs. There is no point in staying together.
2. Outside interference in the lives of spouses. “Caring” parents of a husband or wife constantly strive to help with advice, make comments on how to live correctly, raise children, and build relationships. Yes, they have experience, but it applies to their relationship, and a family of children is a completely different battlefield, different rules apply here. It’s good if parents live separately, then there is an opportunity to protect yourself from their annoying attention. Spouses who live with the older generation in the same living space are doomed, because over time such increased attention will become simply unbearable and will provoke insoluble conflicts.
3. "Dictatorship" of the husband. If a man is powerful, especially when he occupies a leadership position, he often transfers this model of behavior into the family. This is manifested in a commanding tone, a disdainful attitude towards his wife, constant demands without the desire to give something in return. This type of behavior is disrespectful to your spouse. Gradually she begins to despise her betrothed, eternal grievances accumulate. One day the moment comes when a woman realizes that this person is not her beloved. Instead of love, hatred appears.
4. Treason. When a man cheats, it hurts a woman’s self-esteem. The wife receives a treacherous blow from the person she loves most, after which she subconsciously ceases to perceive him as such. If a woman starts a relationship on the side, most often this indicates that her feelings for her husband have already cooled down, living together has become a habit and does not bring joy.

How to live if there is no love for your husband: women’s opinions

Situations in life are different. I realized that I don’t love my husband, what should I do? Ask a visitor to the women's forum.

One of the forum visitors wants to divorce her husband, whom she has never loved . She has two children, 3 and 6 years old. The husband says that she should live for them and think about them. And a woman’s wings grow as soon as she even thinks about living with them the way she wants. Your own life and routine, everything is calm and good. But I feel sorry for the children. The father will not go anywhere, but he will have his own family.

Anna believes that in this case it is better to get a divorce, since living for the sake of children is “the path to depression.”

Another of the forum guests 3099020866 also advises getting a divorce. And he tells the story of his friend, who got divorced when her daughter was 11 years old. He doesn't seem to regret it. I was especially happy the first year. I even went on vacation with my daughter, although maybe I didn’t have enough money for it. But over time I began to think about the man.

Guest [3639824623] has a different opinion. She writes that everyone's life is approximately the same. All families deal with everyday life and raise children, and at the same time feelings disappear. In addition, good relationships and stability also disappear.

“I realized that I don’t love my husband—what should I do?” sometimes turns into a cry of despair

https://www.woman.ru/relations/marriage/thread/5375198/

Many people believe that good husbands are not abandoned. But it also happens that “I don’t love a loving husband.” Some women think that marriage is not a necessity, that there are no “other halves, and we are all whole.” Only those for whom living alone is unnatural strive to get married. You shouldn't live with your children's father, even if he is wonderful, but it doesn't matter what you want.

Love has passed temporarily or forever

It is difficult to understand whether love has finally passed. Often a woman is simply tired of everyday life, work, and raising children. There is no time left for healthy marital relationships. But this does not mean at all that love has passed, it’s just that feelings need a reboot, there is still a chance to return to their former passion.

But if one or more of the following signs are observed in a relationship, there is a serious reason to wonder whether you still have feelings for your husband:

1. The wife loses the desire to take care of her husband, cook him delicious meals, take his preferences into account when choosing films, music, and leisure options.
2. Indifference to the activities of the spouse. His wife doesn’t care whether he had lunch, what he put on, or whether he successfully got to work. Experiences are replaced by a complete lack of interest. The same applies to his hobbies, work, successes, aspirations and goals.
3. The man’s behavior, his manner of speech, his vision of everyday life - all this began to irritate. Any action of the spouse seems stupid and useless, causing unpleasant emotions.
4. Sex is perceived as a necessity to fulfill marital duty and does not bring pleasure. Even the thought of intimacy can be unpleasant.
5. A woman stops taking care of herself for the sake of her husband. She now doesn’t care how he reacts to unkempt clothes, lack of makeup and hairstyle. She doesn't want to please him anymore.
6. The desire to spend as little time at home as possible. A woman more often stays at work or with friends, and goes to her parents for a long time, taking her child with her.
7. Thoughts about betrayal. The wife willingly flirts with her colleagues and begins to look at other men.

If a woman notices half of these signs in herself, then she will have to admit to herself that love is gone forever.

Other people's problems5

Do you know why many women continue to stay in relationships that are not worth it at all? Because they are accustomed to putting other people's needs and needs above their own.

Women are used to taking care of others. But it is very important not to lose yourself, not to forget to take care of yourself and your loved one. “To finally face relationship problems, a woman must stop constantly solving other people's problems. Perhaps caring about others is just a way to escape from our own problems,” says Gadoua. Do you constantly get into quarrels between your mother and sister, rushing headlong to solve other people’s problems? Stop and look at your relationship with your husband.

What to do: advice from a psychologist

Psychologists offer only two solutions if feelings for your husband have cooled:

1. Stay and try to rekindle the love.
2. Divorce.

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What decision a woman makes depends on the specific situation. This is largely influenced by related factors: age and marital experience, the presence of a child or other limiting reasons. When you are not sure, you should listen to the advice of psychologists:

1. A change of scenery - a vacation at sea or in another country, a weekend trip out of town, a vacation in a sanatorium. Time spent together in an unusual environment, devoid of everyday hustle and bustle, will help you understand whether there are still any feelings left.
2. Self-development - a radical or not so radical change of image (change of style, new hairstyle, bright lipstick). Perhaps, seeing changes in his wife’s appearance, the husband will show interest in her.
3. Living separately - not having a husband nearby will help you understand how good or bad it is without him.

Making a choice is more difficult if there is a child in the family. In this case, the issue of divorce should be raised only if it is possible to support the child on your own. Moreover, this concerns not only the material side of the issue, but also the possibility of proper child development (physical and moral).

How to save your marriage and love again

When the decision has been made to resume the relationship, it is first worth analyzing the husband’s behavior. If a man still loves, it will be easier to save the marriage. It is very important to act together, otherwise nothing will work out. You need to start a dialogue with your spouse, sum up the results of living together:

1. Write on a piece of paper what you have already achieved together, as well as your plans for the future.
2. Issues can only be resolved together.
3. List on paper all the advantages and disadvantages of each other. After exchanging notes, work out problematic issues.
4. Dialogue is important. During conversations, you need to listen and hear each other.
5. Paying more attention to your spouse will help him become softer. At the same time, it is worth accepting the authority of your husband as a fact, becoming a woman, not a feminist.
6. Trust and sincerity. Only an open demonstration of feelings and thoughts will help establish contact between spouses. It’s worth telling your husband directly that even though feelings for him have cooled, there is a desire to start all over again. This will convince the man that he needs a wife, that he cannot lose her, and that he must go towards his goal together.
7. Joint leisure time - weekends, vacations, repairs, walks, business trips. If you spend more time together, it will be easier to get closer again, there will be more new topics for communication, and shared pleasant memories.

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It is also worth going with your husband to see a psychologist. A specialist will help you understand the problem and offer effective methods to overcome the current situation.

How to leave and start over

If love has passed completely, there is no point in tormenting each other. Divorce in this case is the most sensible decision. There is no need to say goodbye to the scandal; you should explain to your spouse in a calm but convincing manner the impossibility of further relations. You definitely need to show respect, remember the good things, but summarize that at some point everything went wrong. That is why everything urgently needs to change.

Of course, the man will start to dissuade you and promise to fix everything. But you need to firmly insist on your own. False hopes will only offend a person more. Next time, separation will be inevitable, but it will no longer be possible to “remain friends.”

It’s good if you have the opportunity to go to a separate house, your parents’ apartment, or rented living space. You need to immediately pack your things and leave. There is no point in delaying. A man must understand that his intentions are serious.

Inner voice4

Our instincts react quickly and give us signals when a relationship begins to fall apart. But we stubbornly ignore these signals. So says author and therapist Susan Pease Gadua. “We often ignore the quiet, calm voice within,” says Susan. We are accustomed to listening to the voice of reason, not the heart. Therefore, we very often suppress internal doubts and experiences if we do not believe that they have a reasonable basis.

Stop and ask yourself a couple of questions: “Do I feel happy in this relationship?”, “Do we mutually respect each other?”

Sometimes it is worth listening to the voice of the heart. It subtly senses what the mind is trying not to react to.

Divorce process

You cannot delay the divorce process. It is best to submit the application within a month from the moment of separation, so that there is no opportunity to change your mind. If there are children, the process becomes more complicated. It is best to discuss this point with your spouse in advance. The court will decide who the children will stay with. But if the spouses have no complaints, their opinion will form the basis for the decision.

It is worth deciding in advance not only with whom the children will stay, but also to discuss the frequency of visits with them, assistance in maintenance, upbringing and education. If a man refuses to finance the child voluntarily, he will have to apply for alimony.

It is better to apply for alimony in any case, even if the spouse voluntarily agrees to everything. After a divorce, the ex-husband can easily change his mind about helping financially.

Distance6

“All couples go through crises. But if a difficult period lasts more than two years and there is no improvement, you should seek help,” advises Gadua. Moreover, it is better to do this before you reach the point of no return.

Cole says most couples wait a full six years after the crisis begins before they see a therapist. Is it worth waiting so long and suffering? Of course not.

Property division

If you have jointly acquired property, it is better to discuss its division with your spouse in advance. When it is not possible to reach a compromise solution, the court will decide.

Even if the feelings have passed, there is always a chance to remain friends with your ex-husband, because in the past the couple shared many pleasant moments. You should not refuse his help after a divorce; you also need to assist him whenever possible. To make it easier to cope with a breakup, psychologists recommend starting a new relationship as quickly as possible. Perhaps this is the man who will give you the long-awaited happiness.

Can you imagine life without him7

Do you often imagine what your life would be like without him? And do you think that without this ballast you would be happier? This is already a bell.

Therapist Jamie Turndorf says that this is how you try to distance yourself from your husband in advance so that the separation from him will not be so painful.

“Psychological withdrawal when you fantasize about cheating or make plans for a life without your spouse is a sign that you have stopped loving him. It’s as if the mind pulls the plug from the socket and “turns off” the heart. In general, he does everything so that it does not break when the relationship ends,” says Turndorf.

You spend more time with friends11

When we need to talk out or share joy, we go to the person who is dearest and closest to us. Is your spouse not the first person to whom you turn for help and advice? Needless to say, this is an alarming signal?

“Research shows that in happy marriages, people share their successes with each other. If you share your problems and joys with other people, this is a signal that he has become a stranger to you on an emotional level - and you have begun to replace him with other people,” says Paulette Sherman, psychologist and author.

You don't get any support from him. Moreover, you don’t want to accept help from him.

You stopped quarreling8

You don't fight anymore. No, you have not become closer to each other, the conflicts have not been resolved and the situation has not become clearer. You just don’t discuss your problems anymore, don’t listen to each other’s opinions and don’t try to change anything.

“Arguments can bring partners closer together if they can capitalize on them and strengthen their relationship,” Cole says.

Should I return my spouse?

What to do if his wife has fallen out of love can only be decided by the man himself, because only he knows his woman so much that he is able to distinguish real intentions from a cunning female maneuver. If none of the methods below work and your wife has fallen out of love, then you should not hold her back by force. Violence has never made anyone happy. In order to find a truly loved one, you need to let her go.

Asya Rakhovich

Psychologist with more than 8 years of experience. Consultant on interpersonal and marital relationships, self-discovery.

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