The arrival of a baby in a family is the most important event in the life of every family. But along with the joy, young parents face daily worries, anxieties, tension and fatigue. Husband and wife are not always ready for sleepless nights, crying babies, and lack of personal time. Stress and problems negatively affect the relationship between a man and a woman, so if you ignore a tense situation, everything can end in separation. How to maintain family relationships after the birth of a child and cope with family problems?
Crisis in the family after the birth of a baby
Many people think that having a baby will help strengthen the marriage. But the reality, as a rule, is completely different. The spouses get very tired, they do not have time to pay attention to each other. Claims appear, quarrels and scandals arise. The baby requires constant presence, and parents forget that they can have their own life.
Before giving birth, the couple lived for themselves, could spend time together, but after the birth of the baby, life changed completely. The situation is aggravated by the fact that, as a rule, in the first time after childbirth, sexual relations between husband and wife cease. This is explained by the fact that parents do not sleep at night, mom spends the whole day doing household chores, and dad tries to earn more to provide for the family. The couple has neither the strength nor the desire for an intimate life.
In many couples, the wife refuses sex, although the husband still wants an intimate relationship with the woman he loves. But the wife watches the baby around the clock, she has no time for herself, she is very tired, and at night she wants only one thing - to sleep sweetly and soundly.
In this case, you need to carefully convey to the husband that now the wife belongs not only to him. The woman must explain to her husband that she loves him as before, but is still very tired and cannot give him the necessary attention. But this situation is temporary, so we need to go through a difficult period together, helping and supporting each other. The birth of a child changes the usual way of family life, but these changes should be joyful, and all associated problematic situations can be solved through joint efforts.
If the crisis has come
According to statistics, many couples break up in the first two to three years after the birth of a child. In general, every second couple experiences divorce. Why? After all, it would seem that the birth of a child makes the family complete. What is the reason for the misunderstanding between spouses? Maybe this is due to excessive male pride or female incontinence? I think everything is not so clear...
“The relationship has become simply terrible,” says Ekaterina. “It’s not easy for me to talk about this and admit it, but our relationship is terrible. Every day there is a quarrel, someone is dissatisfied with someone else, and then the mother-in-law adds fuel to the fire. To be honest, I sometimes think about divorce, but then I look at the child and understand that I don’t want to deprive him of a full-fledged family.
“After the birth of our daughter, my husband and I began to quarrel often,” says Anastasia. “We have different views on upbringing and attitude towards a child. We argued so much that when Masha was one year old, we divorced. He already has another woman. I regret that I couldn’t save my family...
“I remember that I used to be surprised how it was like this: they got married, were so happy, and then a child was born, and they separated,” says Alicia. I couldn’t understand or accept this. Now I understand that the birth of a child is a test of family strength. I'm glad we stuck it out. Our relationship has, of course, changed. A new leader has appeared in the family and at the same time the center of the universe.
Reasons why family relationships may deteriorate
Psychologists identify the main reasons why a husband and wife begin to quarrel and cease to understand each other after the birth of a baby.
- Change of social status. Previously, a man and a woman were a loving couple, but now they have become parents. The husband and wife are getting to know each other again, because they have not yet appeared in the role of father and mother. The couple either adapts to new realities, accepts new conditions, or breaks up.
- Unusual way of life. Perhaps before the couple loved to spend time in clubs, the husband and wife traveled a lot, met with friends, and built a career. Now life has changed dramatically, and we need to somehow adapt to new conditions.
- Requirements for grandparents. For example, a young mother hoped that her mother-in-law would help her at first, but she categorically refused. Or, conversely, grandparents offer their help too actively. Spouses may have different views on such situations, which can lead to conflicts and quarrels.
- Physiological reasons. During pregnancy and after childbirth, a woman experiences a strong hormonal surge, which affects her behavior and well-being. During breastfeeding, a woman often does not feel sexual attraction to her husband. If we add to this the constant lack of sleep, fatigue, stress, it is not surprising that the spouse feels forgotten.
- Dad gets little attention. Men also experience stress after the birth of a baby, but they don’t talk about it out loud. It is believed that a colossal burden falls on women’s shoulders: pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, sleepless nights. They try to help mom, feel sorry for her, sympathize with her, but they simply forget about dad. The young mother devotes all her time to the baby, ignoring her husband, and does not trust him to take care of the baby. Of course, a man in such a situation feels out of place in the family.
- Glossy pictures on the Internet. Fashionable mom bloggers post photos of their ideal family life. In the photographs, princesses with luxurious hair and athletic figures are smiling, with smiling angels in their arms, and a loving, handsome husband hugging them next to them. And you have unwashed hair, dark circles under your eyes from lack of sleep, the child is constantly crying, and the extra pounds don’t give you peace. Young parents feel less successful and happy, which causes conflicts and misunderstandings.
DOES A MARRIAGE STRENGTHEN AFTER THE BIRTH OF A CHILD?
(the article was written based on research materials) How do marital relationships change after the birth of a child? It is known that the relationship between spouses after the birth of a child often experiences a crisis; new problems arise for which young parents are not yet psychologically prepared. They don’t ask themselves difficult questions in advance. How do relationships change after the birth of a child? Why do relationships often deteriorate after the birth of a child? Divorce statistics in Russia for 2021 show that the number of broken marriages averages 50 - 65% of the number of prisoners. By the way, in other European countries things are similar. And if we take into account that not all of the surviving marriages are harmonious, then the picture turns out to be completely sad. Statistics show that signs of postpartum depression are observed on average in 20% of women and 10% of men. The main way to combat it is harmonious relationships between spouses.
If you want to save your relationship after having a baby, then read this article to the end. It's long. An article for people who want to understand their relationship with their partner and make it more conscious.
Very often, when seeking advice from a psychologist, women ask: After the birth of my child, my relationship with my husband deteriorated. What to do? Men ask a similar question about their wives. But this does not mean at all that “children kill families.”
How does the relationship between husband and wife change after the birth of a child? And is it possible to predict a crisis in the family after the birth of a child? How to deal with it? Let's figure it out.
Let's start with the research results:
An article was published in the scientific journal “Psychological Research”, 2021, 10(51): Savonicheva S.S. “Factors of marital satisfaction in the period after the birth of a child: analysis of foreign studies.”
Below is a brief summary of this article. We emphasize
that these are the results of studies conducted in different countries by different researchers. Only consistent results are included.
There is definitely a tendency for marital satisfaction to decrease after the birth of a child, and it is most pronounced in the period immediately after the birth of the child.
This does not mean that this is typical for absolutely all married couples, we are talking about a trend. About a third of spouses do not experience a decrease in marital satisfaction after the birth of a child and even feel an improvement in their relationship.
What influences satisfaction with family relationships after the birth of a child?
The most studied and most significant factor influencing changes in marital satisfaction after the birth of a child is the relationship between husband and wife before the birth of the child.
.
Numerous studies of married couples have shown that the more conflict the spouses have during pregnancy, the lower their level of relationship satisfaction after the birth of the child.
After the birth of a child, a family will experience a significant increase and exacerbation of problems in relationships if the spouses had significant difficulties in resolving conflicts before the birth of the child.
Let us remember that hopes for improving family relationships are often associated with the birth of a child.
Alas, this is not true. If spouses had serious conflicts before the birth of the child, then one can expect that the relationship may worsen after the birth of the child.
Other studies have shown that if a husband demonstrates love, affection, and awareness of the relationship during the first year of marriage, then his wife's relationship satisfaction did not change or even increased after the birth of her first child.
On the other hand, spouses who were more satisfied with their relationship at the time of the birth of the child showed a greater decline in satisfaction after the birth, and spouses with lower levels of satisfaction did the opposite.
This can be explained by the fact that the highest level of satisfaction with relationships, as a rule, is observed at their first stage - the period of romanticization and falling in love, uncritical perception of each other. And the crisis period after the birth of a child, associated with great physical and emotional stress, reveals previously hidden disagreements, and marital satisfaction decreases significantly.
Another significant factor influencing satisfaction with marital relationships after the birth of a child was the spouse's participation in housework. It also turned out that conflicts over the distribution of household responsibilities are more often associated with marital dissatisfaction among women. The closer the distribution of responsibilities is to the traditional one (a woman performs housework), the greater the decline in women's marital satisfaction.
Who is more likely to experience decreased marital satisfaction? Men or women?
Many studies show that women experience the greatest decline in marital satisfaction after the birth of a child. It's quite simple to explain. Basically, they bear a significant part of the burden of child care, as well as housekeeping. If a woman remains professionally active, then she experiences role overload and fatigue, which provoke conflicts or resentment towards her spouse due to lack of help.
But in a 2014 study of a European sample, there was no gender difference, and even a slightly greater decline in marital satisfaction for men than for women. Researchers explain this by the current trend in European countries towards greater involvement of men in parenthood and the emergence of the same problems for them as for women.
How do personality characteristics influence marital satisfaction?
It has been reliably established that such personal qualities of spouses as a low level of depression, adequate self-esteem, sensitivity and the ability to constructively resolve conflicts even before the birth of a child, as well as a model of positive relationships in the parental family, provide a favorable forecast for the dynamics of marital satisfaction after the birth of a child.
These same factors include: fair distribution of responsibilities after the birth of a child and sufficient time spent by spouses together.
Full text of the article by Savinicheva S.S. can be read at the link: https://psystudy.ru/index.php/num/2017v10n51/1381-savenysheva51.html#e3
Let us remind you that all of the above are the results of research. So, the relationship between husband and wife after the birth of a child often worsens.
This deterioration can be predicted if:
1. Before the birth of the child, the level of conflict between the spouses was high. 2. The birth of a child occurs immediately or during the period of a romantic relationship, when disagreements have not yet fully manifested themselves, and the partner’s perception is uncritical. 3. Both or one of the spouses has a low ability to resolve conflicts constructively and is prone to depression. 4. Inadequate self-esteem in both or one of the spouses. 5. There was a negative model of relationships in the parental family. 6. The main burden of performing household duties falls on the woman.
The relationship between spouses after the birth of a child is also tested for strength due to the fact that with the birth of a child, competition between marital and parental roles may arise.
Women tend to take on the role of parent more quickly than men. This can lead to increased distance between husband and wife. And then women wonder why, after the birth of a child, the relationship with their husband worsened.
But men, as a rule, need more time to rebuild and accept the fatherly role. And this must be taken into account, especially in the period immediately after the birth of the child.
It is very useful for relationships after the birth of a child, when the father is involved in the care of raising and is informed about the needs of the child. It is important that the spouses do not feel dissatisfied with each other’s contribution to caring for the child, and that their parental attitudes more or less coincide and do not contradict each other.
Main conclusions:
1. The birth of a child should be conscious, when the stage of romantic love has already ended.
2. Having a child to strengthen or save a marriage is unjustified, because often leads to the opposite result.
3. Partnership between spouses before and after the birth of a child, particularly in the distribution of household responsibilities, improves marital satisfaction after the birth of a child.
4. Spending leisure time together has a positive effect on relationships after the birth of a child.
5. A common system of marital values helps to overcome the crisis period after the birth of a child. In this case, the problems will be perceived as common, which will give rise to common efforts to overcome them.
Marriage changes significantly after the birth of a child. And it is advisable to think about this before, and not after the birth of the child. Unfortunately, very often they begin to think about how to maintain a relationship after it appears. And it happens that the birth of a child is associated with the hope of strengthening the marriage, most often by women. It was already noted above that these hopes are often not justified, and after the birth of a child, the relationship between husband and wife deteriorates.
But what to do if the child has already been born and family relationships are deteriorating?
Let's remember the famous phrase from Anna Karenina:
“All happy families are alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
Therefore, there are no universal recipes here. We can only give general recommendations. But following them will help give family relationships a new impetus and increase marital satisfaction.
1. Talk through your problems with your partner. Don't keep it to yourself. All the same, sooner or later, they will appear. But do this not in the form of making claims and, especially, in a conflicting form. Just share and discuss. Develop a common solution, come to an agreement if you are interested in preserving relationships in your family.
2. Don’t wait for your partner to guess anything, don’t expect him to “read your mind.” Life shows that people, often expecting “understanding without words,” only increase mutual misunderstanding and irritation.
3. Try not to focus only on the child. Look for opportunities to do something else, do not lose and maintain interest in other aspects of life. It often happens that the relationship between husband and wife after the birth of a child is built only around him due to the troubles and responsibilities that arise and the development of the new role of parents. This is more often typical for women, which is why their relationship with their husband often deteriorates after the birth of a child. Men can be recommended to help a woman so that she has the opportunity to do something else besides a child, and not see her only as a mother and a housewife.
4. Discuss child care issues with your partner. If there are disagreements, then try to find a compromise solution (mutual concessions). By the way, a joint discussion of this topic can be quite creative, uniting spouses.
5. Try to critically approach your own experience as a parent. Rules: “But here I have...”, “But my parents...”, “But in my childhood...”, “But my mother...” and so on. don't work, every family is different.
Grandparents can have a particularly negative impact on relationships in the family after the birth of a child, when they begin to actively interfere, impose their own rules and vision of “how it should be” and “how it’s correct.” Spouses need to accept that they have their own family, and not a continuation of the families of their parents. Grandparents can play a wonderful supporting role in caring for the child, but they should not displace either spouse. Women who seek advice from a psychologist often hear complaints that after the birth of a child, their relationship with their husband has deteriorated. And then it turns out that the wife is trying to implement the model of her parental family, while ignoring the views and opinions of her husband. A similar thing is observed in men, but more often in women.
6. A special topic is the sexual relationship between husband and wife after the birth of a child. As a rule, their significance decreases due to concerns about the child, their richness is lost, and they can turn into a boring performance of “marital duties.” One of the partners (or both) may experience dissatisfaction in this regard, which negatively affects overall relationships in the family. If such a problem arises, then you definitely need to discuss it with your partner, don’t be afraid to experiment, and make sexual relationships more diverse.
Usually abstinence from sexual intercourse after childbirth is recommended for 6-8 weeks, although, of course, everything here is individual. But physical intimacy can be maintained without it. Active petting or oral sex after childbirth is not contraindicated. By the way, after childbirth, women often experience increased sexual desire. Although the opposite can also happen, especially if the birth was difficult, and a woman develops a psychological barrier to sexual intimacy. The main thing to remember is that physical intimacy and sex are a very important factor in maintaining a relationship after the birth of a child. And if problems arise with him, then you must solve them together with your partner, and not keep them to yourself.
7. If your relationship with your partner has worsened after the birth of your child, do not expect it to improve on its own. Relationships can and should be built. Changes in relationships after the birth of a child are inevitable, but not necessarily for the worse. They just become different, more mature. And it depends on both spouses what they will be like.
What's the hardest thing? Practice shows that it is difficult for both spouses or one of them to reconsider and change their already established ideas about family life. The appearance of a child in a family often reveals differences in spouses’ ideas about the family model and parenting. Look for commonalities and negotiate when there are differences. Don't consider your opinion to be the only correct one. Often, consulting a psychologist helps in establishing relationships and better understanding each other.
MAIN! The birth of a child can give new impetus to relationships, making them more intense and unifying. But it makes no sense to prove that family relationships primarily influence a small child. Who doubts this?
Used sources. Kuftyak E.V. “Study of family resilience when exposed to difficulties,” 2010.
Savonicheva S.S. “Factors of marital satisfaction in the period after the birth of a child: analysis of foreign studies,” 2017
Puchko E. V. “The relationship between parenting style and marital satisfaction of spouses,” 2021.
We recommend an article on our website: Modern parents. Parenthood.
How to fix the situation
There is no universal advice on how to survive a family crisis after the birth of a baby. Each family is able to find an individual solution; it is important to want to maintain good family relationships. What psychologists advise:
- Make an agreement in advance. You should not be under the illusion that your family life after childbirth will remain the same as it was before. Even before the baby arrives, discuss all the nuances so that you know exactly what to expect from your partner. Discuss whether you will need help, who will help: grandparents, nanny. Calculate your strength, because caring for a child takes a lot of time and effort. If grandmothers are happy to offer help, do not refuse so that you have the opportunity to devote at least a couple of hours to yourself.
- Give your partner time to accept the new reality. A balanced, calm wife can turn into a crybaby and hysterical due to a hormonal surge. The husband needs to give his beloved the opportunity to come to her senses and take on some of the responsibilities of caring for the child. It’s good if dad takes a vacation in the first month after giving birth and spends this time next to his wife. Together you can learn how to care for a baby, support each other and speed up the process of psychological and physical recovery.
- Don't forget about your husband. After giving birth, women often become completely immersed in motherhood, forgetting that there is a spouse nearby who feels superfluous. To correct the situation, a woman needs to try to devote at least a little time to her husband, talk to him, thank him for his help and support. Do not criticize your husband’s actions, because he has not yet fully studied such a complex science as caring for a newborn.
Remember:
- If there is a quarrel between you, put yourself in your spouse’s place. Sometimes this is enough to reconsider the conflict and find its solution;
- do not quarrel with your husband in front of strangers, even if you are right. Can't resist? Show your dissatisfaction silently with your eyes, so that only he can see. Women can do this;
- try to speak according to the “I-message” scheme. That is, express your complaints in this form: “I think that you are wrong!”, and not categorically: “You are wrong!”;
- relatives and friends should not interfere in your relationship, impose themselves and indicate how to care for the child; in the end, responsibility for everything will fall on you;
- Don't add fuel to the fire. Try to reduce the conflict to nothing as soon as possible;
- you can also be wrong, despite the fact that it is more difficult for you;
- this is your husband, and you yourself chose him, which means there is something good in him for which you love him. Try not to forget about the positive aspects of your married life.
Anna Kuznetsova
What a dad-to-be needs to know about pregnancy
We have compiled these recommendations specifically for future fathers.
The main task of a man during this period is to be observant and caring. After all, now your wife needs increased, double attention so that there is enough for both mother and baby. He already feels everything and will soon hear you.
1. The expectant mother needs care. What just recently was easy for your wife can now cause a lot of trouble. Weakness, pain in the lower back, big belly prevent you from walking quickly and prevent you from bending over. Be careful: tie your wife’s shoelaces, place a pillow under her back when she is sitting, pick up a fallen spoon. Be ready to help your loved one.
2. It is better for a pregnant woman to refrain from some household chores. While waiting for a baby, many chemicals can cause allergies in a woman, and fumes can harm the fetus. Take charge of cleaning the bathroom and toilet. See what else you can do to help. For example, watering flowers that stand on high shelves, wiping dust... Now it is harmful for your wife to make sudden movements, stretch, bend over - protect her from this.
3. Major renovations are not always a good idea while expecting a baby. Many families, having learned about the imminent arrival of the baby, hastily begin repairs or think about moving. The most important thing for a mother is comfort and peace. She doesn't need any unnecessary worries. If possible, postpone the implementation of grandiose projects; do not schedule global affairs at this time. Well, if the family council decides to start repairs, take it upon yourself. The wife will probably have to live with her parents for some time.
4. Emotional instability for the expectant mother is part of a healthy pregnancy. It is known that while expecting a baby, a woman’s character changes. This happens due to hormonal changes in the body. The expectant mother does not always control herself and her desires. Try to be understanding about her condition, excitement and worries. Be helpful, gentle and affectionate. Yes, you may have to listen to something unpleasant more than once. To defuse the situation, look at everything with humor. A good joke will lift everyone's spirits.
5. Lack of attention is a temporary phenomenon. Some dads feel like they have been completely forgotten, because all the mom’s thoughts are now focused on the child. Don't be offended by your wife. Try to spend as much time together as possible. No matter how busy your life may be, find opportunities for walks and relaxation together. Every evening you can take a short promenade, and on weekends you can get out of town. Buy a pool membership and go there with your wife. Try to master at least basic massage: this will help the woman relax and, during contractions, relieve pain.
6. Go to the doctor with your wife. Every time an expectant mother goes to see a doctor, she is nervous. Even if the pregnancy is going well, the woman is still worried. Your wife may need to consult with you to make a decision or simply share her experiences. If you cannot go to the clinic with your spouse, then do not forget to find out about the results of her visit to the doctor every time. The health of your mother is also the health of your future baby. Interview your friends, find out about good clinics, specialists and, if necessary, decide together on an additional consultation.
7. Discuss and care about intimate relationships. Quite a lot of couples refuse sex during pregnancy. Because of this, and even before that, simply because of a changed figure, women feel unnecessary and unattractive. If there are no contraindications, have sex. Remember: now, more than ever, it is important for a wife to feel wanted. If she refuses, that's normal: during pregnancy, libido goes through some dizzying ups and downs. Be patient if she doesn't really want to make love today - perhaps tomorrow you will need the saved energy.
8. Prepare for childbirth and meeting your baby. Both mother and father must be prepared for childbirth. The best preparation is to attend a school for new parents. Put things aside, find time and go to classes at this school with your wife. In this way, you will support the expectant mother and receive a lot of useful information yourself. And in case of unforeseen circumstances, you will be able to provide first aid.
We're going on dates again
Burda Media
I began to simplify all the tasks, trying to find at least a little time for myself. So, I realized that there is absolutely no point in ironing children's things - after 5 minutes the child can get paint, food or dirt all over him. I began to take a more conscious approach to housework - learning from my own experience. I learned to plan my day and week so as to leave some time just for myself, for relaxation. I was preparing for my husband’s arrival and really wanted to spend time with him.
I put the children to bed at 9 pm, and after that I devoted time and attention to my husband. We started going on dates - once a week we asked grandma to look after the sleeping children and at that time we went away and spent time just the two of us.
I began to force myself to notice the positives in my life and not dwell on the negative. Over time, this became a habit and now I think positively, don’t get upset over little things and enjoy my life.
I was determined to make my family life happy and did not look for answers to questions on the Internet, but simply asked my husband directly: what can I do to make you happy? I intended to give him everything he asked for, because happiness is only in our hands.
I stopped focusing on my husband’s shortcomings and making comments to him. On the contrary, I began to say words of gratitude to him more and more often and notice only the good. My husband answered me the same.
Now we have a wonderful relationship and already have four children. We spend some time every day just the two of us, and go on dates every week. We build our relationships on gratitude, love, respect and kindness.
I would like to advise all mothers who are going through difficult times in their family life now - put aside pride, if you love and do not be afraid to make concessions to each other. There is no need to be stubborn and prove that you are right, or point out your husband’s shortcomings. After all, feelings can fade away, and they will never be returned, but we have one life.
Alexandra Nesterenko family manager
Childbirth and relationships
The 40 weeks of waiting are over and labor is about to begin. The moment is joyful, exciting and anxious. What an expectant mother should do is obvious and understandable. But how should a dad behave?
1. Preparing for childbirth. A woman preparing for childbirth really needs reliable support and help. This means that the husband should be nearby.
1.1. The husband needs to take care of all the little things, right down to a top-up mobile phone account and a refueled car tank.
1.2. He needs to know everything about how childbirth takes place.
1.3. In the last three to four days before the scheduled date of birth, a man should be very collected - by the way, taking care of his wife will help him cope with his own anxiety.
1.4. A couple of weeks before this joyful day, it is worth consulting with a doctor about the composition of the first aid kit in the car in case your wife becomes unwell on the way to the maternity hospital. All these measures are optional, but include the father in the process of preparing for childbirth in the role of protector, support and support.
2. How to help the expectant mother during childbirth.
2.1. A man who decides to attend the birth must clearly know his role and place. He needs to support his beloved and be at the head of Rakhmanov’s bed. As soon as the doctor asks him to leave the delivery room, he must do so. Domestic obstetrics specialists do not like excessive participation of fathers in the process. They are at best an annoying nuisance for doctors, and at worst a serious headache. You can only stand at the head of the bed and help your wife. The doctors will be very grateful to the dad if he duplicates their instructions to the woman in labor, because it happens that she goes into a special state of consciousness and hears only the voice of her husband, for example, but not the doctor. It will be easier for a woman if he is collected, calm and filled with trust in the doctor and midwives.
2.2. If dad remains outside the door of the maternity hospital, then he also has an important task - to be in touch, mobile and accessible. You may need medicine, things, food, or just the opportunity to look outside and see him in the middle of a flower bed under the windows.
Check with the maternity hospital reception for a list of necessary items and buy them at pharmacies and supermarkets.
3. Postpartum stage
3.1. Here you need to focus on the rules established in the maternity hospital and be in touch. Perhaps your wife urgently needs cream, juice or something else. It may also happen that she just needs her husband to call and visit her (stand under the windows with a bouquet of flowers).
3.2. He also needs to do or organize a general cleaning of the house, wash and iron clothes for the newborn, and screw a changing table and chest of drawers to the wall.
3.3. Make a large-scale purchase of detergents and cosmetics for newborns, find a doctor who will patronize the child on a private basis, if this is important to you.
Sometimes mothers do not give due importance to the feelings of the future father. In order for him to cope with his role as a father, the inclusion of a man in the process of replenishing the family should occur as early as possible: ideally, this is a joint project and joint dreams, as well as joint attendance at childbirth preparation courses, reading books, attending consultations with a psychologist, etc. d. Then the man will have a need to take a vacation and devote it to caring for the child, to fully participate in the life of the heir, to be a parent for him in the full sense of the word.
Tips on how to maintain a happy family after the birth of your first child
Despite all the troubles, difficulties and great physical and moral stress, the birth of a child is an amazing and amazing event. It brings happiness to the family, which can strengthen feelings, respect and mutual understanding in a couple. In order to withstand this difficult period with dignity and save the marriage after the birth of the first child, the following advice to husband and wife will help:
Control your emotions. Constant hysterics, screaming and aggression are unlikely to improve family relationships, rather the opposite. Therefore, at the first signs of growing discontent, it is better to stop, look into yourself, and calmly express your complaints. Try to find a solution that suits both parties. Better yet, come up with a way to relieve stress: go for a run around the house, visit the gym, or have a heart-to-heart talk with your friends.
Maintain a positive mood and look for the positive in everything. The birth of a child is not a miracle?! A little baby gives so many experiences and pleasant sensations. And time will pass, and the child will grow into a full-fledged adult, become a friend, assistant and support for his parents. Is it really not worth going through the sleepless nights and everyday difficulties of the first months for this, thereby preserving a happy family after the birth of the first child? A clear distribution of responsibilities is an important factor in maintaining friendly relationships after the birth of a child. Men sometimes think that maternity leave for a woman is comparable to rest and doing nothing, so the husband also needs to be involved in the care and concern of the first-born. But it’s also harmful to go too far when handing the baby over to a man who has just returned from work. It is advisable to draw up a plan of responsibilities: who does what and when, and help each other with this. In this situation, each family member will have time to do personal affairs, which will help take their minds off everyday problems.
Conflict of combining roles
No matter how desired, long-awaited and beloved the newborn baby may be, this is a new person in the family, and you still need to adapt to his appearance. Moreover, spouses have to get used to not only the birth of a child. They are now assigned new roles - mothers and fathers. In fact, the conflict of overlapping roles most often provokes changes in relationships in the family. A woman needs to learn to be both a loving wife and a responsive, caring mother. A man is a reliable husband and father at the same time. Each of these roles sets a person’s own program of behavior, and learning to quickly switch from one role to another and maneuver between different family tasks is not an easy task.
It is a common thing when a woman, having become a mother, focuses only on the child. She became a mother and is actively mastering a new role for herself. The husband, once surrounded by care and attention, remains deprived of the warmth and affection of his wife. In addition, if earlier he could relax peacefully when he came home from work, now at home he is faced with troubles around a screaming baby, because his wife gets tired during the day and really counts on help.
Instead of the usual quiet dinner with conversations, TV or computer, the young father's evening program includes bathing, rocking, and changing a diaper. A man has to learn to be a dad. What is the result? There is no time for rest, household chores are done from time to time, the woman you love is either busy with the child or is exhausted, and on top of that, many new responsibilities have fallen on top. Of course, all this does not contribute to intimacy, and the relationship eventually becomes cool.
Sex after childbirth
In the first few months after the birth of a child, a woman moves away from her husband. This is due to her physiology. This is how nature intended: a woman needs to protect and feed her baby, and her whole body and psyche are completely aimed at this. Her body is completely turned off from sexual life. After the birth of a child, the body needs time to recover, and sex during this period will only prolong the recovery process. Therefore, distance from the husband during this period is a normal stage, a necessity for the successful completion of the postnatal period.
Ideally, this issue should be discussed with the husband in advance, because, as a rule, men, not knowing that after childbirth they need to endure a period without sex, cannot stand it and take a mistress or even get divorced.
In most cases, the female body after childbirth is not designed for intimacy at all; the husband must be patient for at least two months after the birth of the child. In order for this period to pass favorably for the couple, it is necessary to talk, express their feelings and emotions to each other. How to properly build a relationship with your husband, read the article about the psychology of relationships between a man and a woman.
When a child is already two months old, he begins to separate himself from others, see and feel objects, and distinguish between mom and dad. During this period, parents can already look not at him, but at each other, for at least one hour a day, and gradually restore their sex life. Come back to each other gradually, and over time everything will get better.
Postpartum depression
Sometimes there is a whole complex of manifestations called “postpartum depression”. Fortunately, true postpartum depression is very rare. The main symptom of this condition is apathy, a constant feeling of fatigue, a feeling of hopelessness and indifference to one’s own child.
Women suffering from postpartum depression very often demonstrate rejection of their babies, are not responsive to the needs of the baby and do not provide the child with proper care.
Postpartum depression is a medical diagnosis, so don't mistake any gloomy mood for depression. This condition is treated with psychotherapy and special medications prescribed by the doctor.
I overestimated my relationship with my husband
Fotolia
One day I thought about what I really want. Is this really the kind of family life I dreamed of? Will my children be happy in such an atmosphere? What will I achieve with this behavior?
I love my husband very much and most of all I want to be happy, so I will do everything possible and in my power, I decided then. Since my husband does not make concessions, then I will do it.
I started with the simplest thing - getting myself in order. I threw out my old T-shirts and stretched out sweatpants and started putting on beautiful and comfortable things for the home - leggings and T-shirts. I decided that there was no point in storing all this in the closet, going out into the world once a week, or even a month. I realized that my life is here and now.
The woman in me woke up. For example, 10 minutes before my husband arrived, I realized that I could put myself in order: wash my hair, put on light makeup and look attractive in his eyes. And the children will not suffer from this at all. You can also restore order within 5 minutes by simply throwing all children's toys into a box so that they are not lying underfoot.
