Not every married woman wants to have children together with her husband. If you are faced with such a problem, first try to find the true reasons for such reluctance. Surely this is connected with relationships with yourself or with other people.
Based on the root causes, there will be ways of what to do if the wife does not want children. Valuable advice from psychologists will help change the situation.
Why women don't want children: main reasons
The situation when a wife does not want children at all is not typical for modern society, but is becoming more and more common. This is alarming, because it is not in vain that nature endowed a woman with reproductive function. It is much more difficult when the wife does not want a second child; what to do in this case can be determined only after understanding the root causes.
Psychologists say that the absence of maternal instinct never occurs without reason; most likely, complexes, fears, childhood traumas and difficulties in relationships with men lie in this. Let us reveal in detail the reasons on which the solution to the problem will largely depend.
Desire to make a career
Against the backdrop of women's emancipation, girls need to be equal to men in everything. Therefore, the main goal is the desire to build a career, become successful, and achieve material well-being. Unfortunately, not all women realize that such a task can take a lifetime.
In fact, a successful lady is able to combine her activities with creating a full-fledged family.
Fear of ruining family relationships
Every adult understands that childbirth is a labor-intensive process for both spouses. After the birth of a baby, life changes dramatically, including interpersonal relationships and life priorities. Fearing that the child will take up all her free time, the woman is afraid of losing contact with her husband. Psychologists believe otherwise, even if this is a test for young parents, but the child, on the contrary, strengthens their spiritual connection.
Understanding the lack of responsibility
One of the most common reasons for reluctance to have offspring is the lack of a sense of responsibility of one or both spouses. Perhaps she considers herself not mature enough to be a mother. Or maybe he doesn’t see seriousness in his partner, doesn’t imagine him as a support, a strong shoulder and support. Psychologists consider fear of responsibility to be an obstacle to the realization of dreams, plans, and best aspirations.
Psychological trauma since childhood
The most difficult obstacle preventing the creation of a full-fledged family in adulthood is childhood psychological trauma. This could be the absence of a father in childhood or living in a large family. In the first case, she programs her mother’s bad experience and the pain of her father’s departure into her own life scenario. In the second, he remembers the lack of attention and love due to the presence of other children, and therefore does not imagine it possible to give his love to his offspring.
The desire to live for oneself
The next fear that prevents you from realizing yourself as a mother is the loss of freedom. Due to a lack of understanding of how resources can be distributed in order to give the baby everything he needs without infringing on his own desires, a woman refuses to give birth for a long time. The situation is aggravated by healthy egoism, when a girl is used to spending a lot of time and effort on self-improvement. The problem can be solved if you get rid of attitudes that the child will become an obstacle to development, relaxation, and entertainment.
Negative experiences from past relationships
Another obstacle due to which the maternal instinct is blocked is unsuccessful relationships in the past. Perhaps the woman was already in love, made plans for a partner, wanted to give birth to him, but was faced with betrayal and irresponsibility. Or even worse, she has already given birth, but is left alone with the child. This leaves a serious imprint, after which it will be difficult for her to trust again in order to give birth to a second child without fear of being abandoned.
Lack of finances
A common reason for delaying childbearing is the unstable financial situation in the family. And here a woman can be understood, because the simplest thing is to give birth, the baby needs to be fed, raised, dressed, put on shoes, given an education and a path to the future. The solution to such a problem will only be development, career building, personal growth, first of all, of men. If he cannot be a breadwinner, you should not expect a woman to change her position on the issue of childbearing.
Is your salary enough to support a large family?
Not really
Childfree philosophy - free from children
For people who voluntarily abandoned parenthood, they came up with a name - childfree (sometimes shortened to BSF). This term is derived from the English words child - “child” and free - “free”.
Representatives of this movement voluntarily refuse to procreate, not wanting to spend their lives on education and care. They consider childlessness a privilege of modern society and liberation from old-fashioned beliefs. With their philosophy they clearly demonstrate imaginary independence and uniqueness.
What to do in this case
To solve a problem and reach a consensus, spouses must learn to have frank and constructive dialogue. It is important to express your desires, hear each other and understand, not blame, and share feelings. If the wife refuses to give birth, the following must be done:
- find out the reason for this behavior - figure out whose fault it is, without understanding the root of the problem it cannot be resolved;
- Assess the financial potential of the family - think about whether your income is enough for your wife to go on maternity leave without a shadow of a doubt;
- determine the percentage of trust - if you have undermined your spouse’s trust, perhaps this will slow her down with the birth of a child, try to win her favor again;
- don’t rush her - excessive pressure and haste can only make her wary, aggravate those fears that interfere with her fulfillment as a mother.
Now let's talk about whether it's worth getting a divorce if she refuses to give birth to her first child. Undoubtedly, there is no chance for a good future where there is no love. If you love her, getting a divorce just because you don’t want to become a mother is a selfish act. Both of you should want to continue the family line; you need to be given time to improve your relationship and prepare for motherhood.
But what to do if a man wants a second child, but does not receive a positive response from his wife? In no case do you need to get a divorce, because she already gave you one baby once. Behave like a competent psychologist, find reasons and fears, carefully change her opinion without pressure. Don't push, if this child is unwanted, nothing good will come of it.
Advice from psychologists
What should a husband do if he is faced with his wife’s reluctance to have children? Experts recommend carefully looking for ways out of the situation.
Find out the reason
Find out why your spouse refuses to have children. There may have been psychological trauma. Look at marriage from the outside. Answer honestly the question of whether you have unresolved conflicts, whether there are omissions, or whether problems are being hushed up. Take an interest in your spouse’s health and show concern. Don't be pushy, don't interrogate. Gently lead your wife to an open conversation on the topic.
Work on your relationships
If it turns out that the problem lies in your relationship, be patient. Prove to your spouse every day how dear she is to you. Pamper her, help her around the house, show her that you are ready to lend your strong masculine shoulder in any situation. The wife must understand that you will not save if difficulties arise during pregnancy and childbirth.
Become a financial guarantor
If your spouse is afraid of the prospect of raising a common child in poverty, you will have to work on the material well-being of your family. You must understand that during maternity leave you will be the only breadwinner. Take care of the financial cushion, try to solve the housing problem, if any. Make every effort so that your wife sees you as a reliable protector and knows that you can provide her with the financial stability of her family.
Don't put pressure on your spouse
Constantly talking about how your friends or relatives have had a child again, and how you would like to quickly experience the joy of fatherhood, will only add fuel to the fire and confirm your wife in the idea that you only need a baby to assert yourself. Don't compare your family with someone else's, which has a house full of children. Accept the fact that your spouse paints a different picture of the ideal world.
to convince your wife to give birth to a child, you need to fully support her and not compare her with anyone, act gently and wisely
Don't ask your relatives for help
Some men “wash their dirty linen in public” and ask their relatives to talk to their wife. Most often, this mission is entrusted to the mother-in-law, who must tell her daughter-in-law how much she wants grandchildren, or to her closest brothers and sisters, who have already known the joy of having a child. This method will not only make her angry because you are allowing other people into your personal space, but it can also further reinforce her idea that you are an unreliable person who seeks outside help when difficulties arise.
Discuss the possibility of joint psychotherapy
It is not always possible to solve problems within a family on your own. Suggest that your spouse visit a family psychologist. Justify your decision by saying that you want to feel your marriage more deeply and understand your partner. Do not view joint psychotherapy as a session of “convincing” your wife that you need to have children. Working with a psychologist will help you find the true reasons for the current situation.
Give her time
Patience pays off. Perhaps your wife is too young and not ready to take responsibility for someone else's life. She herself is still a child. If you have a young family, don't rush into having offspring. Live for your own pleasure, give your wife time to come to the idea of procreation herself. Most likely, this will happen when children begin to appear in your circle of friends.
Get a pet
This solution is only suitable for those couples where both spouses treat the animal as a member of the family, and not as a toy that can be thrown away when they get tired of it. Ask your wife, perhaps she has long wanted to get a dog or cat. Choose a pet together, surround it with warmth and care. Often, thanks to a faithful friend, a woman's maternal instinct awakens.
Settle down or end the relationship
If all the methods described above have been tried, but the matter has not moved forward, you just have to come to terms with the situation or think about ending the relationship. Think about what is more important to you: a loving, reliable, caring, faithful wife or future offspring. Your spouse is a personality, an individual with developed values. It so happens that sometimes a person’s life position does not include having children. Accept her choice and decide whether you are ready to share it with her, or whether you are not on the same path.
In today's article, we told you how to overcome the fear of having children together and explained why it happens that a woman refuses or is afraid to plan the birth of a child. Patience, sincerity, the ability to listen to your spouse’s opinion and respect her choice are the keys to a strong, long-lasting, trusting relationship. If your wife treats you the same way, most likely, new life will soon appear in your family.
What not to do
Against the backdrop of despair because of their wife’s reluctance to give birth, many men sometimes even make irreparable mistakes. For example:
- they rush into a decision, which is why unwanted children are born, for which she will constantly blame him;
- they put pressure, forcefully try to change her point of view, impose their worldview;
- they threaten with divorce, blackmail that if they refuse to give birth they will find another woman;
- file for divorce, thereby showing selfishness, unwillingness to understand her point of view, inability to help solve her internal problems;
- they despair, become despondent, depressed, and harbor deep resentment, which critically aggravates the microclimate in the relationship.
To avoid mistakes, it is important to think not only about yourself and your desires, but also to listen to the woman’s opinion. There is no need to make scandals, rush things, or lead to pregnancy without mutual consent. A child should be born in love and mutual desire for this.
And let's be honest...
Men don't give birth. Pregnancy is not only a joyful state, but also a frequent urge to go to the toilet at the most inopportune moments, toxicosis, compulsive overeating or a complete lack of appetite. And many, many things.
The male body does not experience hormonal storms and changes; it does not need to pick itself up piece by piece after childbirth.
But at the same time, the birth of a new life is a real miracle. And the best way to convince your wife to give birth is to overcome the fear of the unknown and a new stage in your life together.
Ksenia Litvin,
psychologist Growth Phase
Material need
Nowadays, women understand that a child is a luxury. In infancy, he will need expensive diapers, then interesting and beautiful toys, and even later - school supplies and beautiful clothes. It’s hard to imagine modern schoolchildren without phones, tablets and computers. And all this requires serious money. A woman thinks about whether she will be able to support her family if her husband suddenly leaves her and does not help the child in any way. Poor children grow up disadvantaged and unsure of themselves. How should a mother look at this?
Tie your spouse to you or feel the need
As mentioned above, you cannot tie a person to yourself in this way. Even if you give birth to a child, if your partner does not have any feelings for you, the child will not stop him and he will leave the family. If necessary, he will simply see the child and reproach you for growing up without a father.
But sometimes women manage to keep a man in this way, but, as a rule, after a while everything returns to normal, and the man still leaves.
Also, sometimes a situation happens to women when everyone turns away from them and they feel that no one needs them. In this case, the woman decides to give birth to a child in order to become needed by someone. But such situations are not entirely favorable for the newborn child; as a rule, either he grows up in excessive care or, on the contrary, his mother often swears at him.
Public opinion
Some women want to give birth to a child because it is so accepted, because it is necessary to continue the family, otherwise she will later become old and will not be able to give birth. In such cases, men often do not share the woman’s position, since they are not ready for the birth of a child. In fact, they are doing the right thing, because you shouldn’t live up to someone’s stereotypes, you need to want and be ready for the birth of a child. A man must convince a woman in various ways that they are not ready for the birth of a child, and it will take time to prepare for this. You need to understand that this is a living person who needs constant care, and not every person can cope with this.
Some women who want to have a child are motivated by religious reasons. After all, according to church laws, a woman must give birth and raise children. After all, many churches are against protection during sexual intercourse, because they believe that a woman should give birth and give birth to many children.
Lack of a worthy man
Even 50 years ago, girls were not as “selected” by suitors as modern educated young ladies. They got married for love, and after some time they were bitterly disappointed. Meanwhile, a child was born who prevented the mother from breaking off the unhealthy relationship. In most of these cases it turned into flour.
Modern girls calculate everything in advance. They want to see someone who is reliable and loving next to them. Many live in a civil marriage and are in no hurry to go to the registry office. This indicates only one thing - the woman is not confident in her chosen one. Having a man does not mean having a potential father for children together.
Bad example of parents
Often girls who grew up without a father or saw his bad attitude towards their mother are afraid to start their own family, so as not to step on the same rake. They do not see anything good in family life, so they prefer lonely freedom. It is natural for a daughter to repeat the fate of her mother, because she imitates her on a subconscious level. But realizing this with a sober mind, women avoid. And only a real loving man can prove to such a girl that family life can turn out completely differently.
Relatives' opinion
Very often, girls want to give birth to a child only because their relatives demand it from her, who undertake to help and teach the young parents everything. However, in reality, everything turns out differently; grandmothers often do not have enough time and only the parents, who, in principle, were not ready for his birth, have to sit with the child.
In fact, you shouldn’t listen to your relatives, because you have your own head on your shoulders and only you can decide when to give birth to a child. If grandmothers want to babysit their grandchildren, then let them wait until the potential parents are ready for this. Parents must come to the realization that they are ready to give birth to a child. Before planning, you need to take into account the opinions of both spouses.
