You spend rare evenings together, he says that he loves you to the moon and back, gives original gifts, and delivers flowers by courier on Sundays... He writes romantic SMS during the lunch break and asks you not to deny yourself anything while shopping.
But this idyll has one drawback - he is married. Previously, a love triangle was considered a sin and condemned by society, but now it is customary to turn a blind eye to it.
But where will a relationship lead where a woman is only a secret lover? Does an affair with a married man have a future, or is it better not to torture either yourself or your partner? And what if you truly love?
This is what our material is about.
Why does a man need a mistress?
What pushes a man to have an affair on the side? Is he poorly cared for at home? Or did he fall head over heels in love as a teenager, and now longs for secret meetings with another woman, dreams of starting a family with her and building a house?
We have compiled a list of the main reasons why a man decides to take such a step: having an affair on the side.
He lacks novelty in sex or sex in general
Sex once a month in the missionary position with the lights off?.. This is not what the man dreamed of when he got married. If partners don’t surprise each other in bed, don’t make eye contact with their significant other in a restaurant, and don’t share erotic fantasies, the brightness of sex fades.
At first the man tries to fix something, but if his efforts are in vain, he switches to another girl. This does not mean that he loves her to the grave and will leave his wife. But the reddened cheeks of a satisfied woman on his shoulder and pleasant fatigue after sex are so alluring.
He seeks lively emotional experiences
Your relationship with your wife may be in crisis. When partners irritate each other, don’t find common topics for conversation at dinner, are stuck in everyday problems... Some men cannot endure, survive and find a way out - and simply give up.
They begin a relationship with a woman with whom it is simple and easy: he gave flowers, took him to a restaurant, had sex in an expensive hotel... No children, cooking breakfast or repairing a leaking tap. Everything is simple and painless. Only shallow.
He wants to prove that he can still do it, he doesn’t want to say goodbye to his youth
And my health is already failing, and I have problems with potency, and the number in my passport is not encouraging... Why not prove to myself that I’m still wow, I can satisfy even a quick young lady? In an attempt to catch youth by the tail, men take on mistresses, with whom the feeling of approaching old age disappears.
This way he shows his status
When status is no longer measured by the cost of a business suit, the make of a car, or the thickness of a leather wallet, other methods of comparison come into play. For example, lovers. Their model appearance, youth, passion, quantity.
He doesn't have very high moral principles
Disrespect for wife, children and disregard for family values. Such motives also push men to cheat.
His wife doesn't understand what a man really needs
If things are bad at home, the man will first withdraw mentally and then physically. Constant dissatisfaction with the husband, his income and appearance, stupid jokes and the lack thereof, insufficient participation in raising children and walking the dog... In such a house it is easy to feel unnecessary, clumsy and insolvent.
The wife does not appreciate the man, does not praise him, does not look with enthusiastic eyes and does not thank him.
The danger of double treason
Mutual infidelity increases the risk of discovery. Lovers who dream of keeping their romance a secret are forced to hide, meet in remote places, and be afraid to meet acquaintances. This adds additional stress to meetings.
If one of the deceived spouses finds out about the betrayal, then keeping the secret from the second family will be much more difficult. Lovers can look at a casual romance differently: for one, family is not important, the other perceives betrayal as a temporary affair and values the relationship with the official spouse. A married woman, even from the point of view of modern free views, risks her reputation more than a man. She will be condemned for double treason: deceiving her own husband and taking a stranger along for the ride.
Relationships with a married man: imaginary advantages and misconceptions
Pros of being a lover:
- the man is already well-fed and well-groomed, there is no need to worry about his new suit, delicious dinner and problems at work. Everything is ready for consumption;
- washing, ironing and raising children together is so far away that it seems like a parallel universe;
- an ideal option for an open relationship - a man does not need to worry about having to destroy his family, and a woman does not need to worry about a potential serious relationship;
- a wealthy man can help his mistress financially without any problems;
Misconceptions:
- being a lover, a woman believes that she is unique and important for a man, that with her he is truly happy;
- hopes that the man will leave his family for her, and they will begin a serious relationship;
Psychologists' opinion
The psychological approach to relationships between married lovers is based on the idea of a married couple as a special social group. Psychologists explain the behavior of spouses who decide to cheat with an unfree partner by the need to realize the motive of competition. Someone else's partner seems like a better relationship option: if he or she has already been chosen to start a family, he or she likely has more advantages. Sometimes such relationships lead to divorces and attempts to build an official relationship, but this is not always a good idea. Having the opportunity to meet openly, the couple begins to behave differently and illusions collapse, which encourages partners to return to their previous lives: to wives and husbands.
An affair with someone else's spouse allows a woman to take a break from married life while maintaining her status as a married lady. A married man with a married mistress realizes the hunter's instinct. By winning a new woman, he gets rid of the need to think about starting a family with his mistress - after all, she herself is married.
A psychologist’s view of betrayal in general can be seen in the video:
Illusion of deception
Being a lover is not only about receiving gifts and passionate sex. This is to play a second role. Constantly wage an internal struggle: on the one hand, understand that the relationship is doomed to be superficial, and on the other hand, continue to go on secret dates again and again.
Hiding, not being able to call in the middle of the night and say: “Come, I miss you so much!”, not wearing perfume, not giving gifts, being prepared for the man to cancel the meeting at the last moment.
And the initial lightness and increased attention that so flattered you are replaced by a heaviness on your heart, the realization that he belongs to someone else.
Additional features
The result of an affair between lovers burdened with family may be a reconsideration of their opinion about marriage. If scandals constantly arise in the family, relationships have become tense, and romance has disappeared from them - betrayal can become a kind of reboot.
There are often cases when betrayal helps solve a problem that arises in the family. In this case, the relationship on the side is temporary and frivolous.
Lovers receive from each other:
- an opportunity to take a break from marital responsibilities;
- emotional support;
- lost romance.
The charge of positive emotions received from a lover helps to get rid of the tension that accumulates within the family. Thus, betrayal that ends in the separation of lovers can help preserve family relationships.
Relationship with a married man: is there a future?
No one wants to become a hostage to a situation, especially in a romantic relationship. Loving a married man who lies to his wife and raises his children, and devotes only crumbs of time and attention to you, is difficult.
The main thing is to stop reproaching yourself. It's not your fault that this happened. To figure out why a married man came into your life, ask yourself four questions.
What motivates me in this relationship?
Maybe you're only attracted to this man because of the amazing sex on Thursday nights? Or his eternal unavailability? Or that you are his secret?
If you want a future together, three children and two cats, a family photo album and a holiday in Greece, this changes the situation. In this case, you won’t be able to tolerate the role of a mistress for long.
What do I get from my partner, and what do I give?
Expensive gifts, a loving look and a willingness to do anything so that the wife doesn’t find out? What is the foundation of your relationship? Is it tied to the emotional sphere or to the material one too? What do you sacrifice, and what does the man sacrifice for the sake of your meetings, relationships, secret connections?
Why did I agree to this type of relationship?
Maybe it made you feel better that the man was married? After all, in this case, you don’t have to bear responsibility for a serious relationship, plan to buy a bookcase, renovate the kitchen, and solve everyday problems together.
Or were you scared off by the presence of your spouse, but like a butterfly you flew to the fire, despite your fear?
What will happen if you continue to play the role of a mistress?
The passion will subside sooner or later. How then will you react to a man's double life? Will you calmly accept your role or will you constantly want more? Will you calm down or will you be jealous of your wife and children? In your free time, will you have fun with your friends and mind your own business, or will you nervously wait for his call?
If you are inclined to the second option, the role of a mistress is uncomfortable for you, and you need to do something about it.
Ending such a relationship is sometimes the easiest way out of the situation. How to do this and is there a chance to come to the forefront in the life of a married man?
Why he will never leave the family - 3 reasons
There are a great many answers to this question. Let's look at three main reasons that force a man to stay in the family:
Reason #1: Habit
He is used to living the way he lives. I got used to my wife and their existing relationship. They have common children, mutual friends and acquaintances, and a beloved dog. Their duties and areas of responsibility are distributed, and at least they are already comfortable living like this. Simply abandoning an already arranged life is a dubious idea.
Reason #2: Fear of the unknown
He does not leave his usual life for fear of the unknown. His life is already arranged, and if he wants to change everything, there is a risk of being left with nothing. How will children, friends, parents react to his decision? What if everyone turns their backs on him? Besides, he doesn’t fully know whether things would work out with him or not. After all, he never lived with you, did not share life. You can be a great lover for him, but who said you will be a good wife? And what makes you think that he will be a good husband for you? After all, you at least already know that he is prone to cheating and knows how to lie.
Reason #3: You let it happen
Why would a man change anything if you are already with him? If you initially gave him an ultimatum “choose - me or your wife,” then, of course, he would have to choose. But you yourself agreed to play the role of a mistress, thereby admitting your defeat and coming to terms with it. Of course, you may object: “But there are times when husbands leave their families and go to their mistresses!” Yes, it happens. But extremely rarely.
You should not indulge yourself with the illusion that your case is exceptional. Tell me, if a hundred people jump from the roof of a skyscraper and one of them survives by luck, would you think it is safe to jump?
Why and how to stop communicating with a married man?
The heart whispers words of love, rare meetings are so romantic and sweet, and yet - he is married. And despite the promises, he is unlikely to leave the family, dissolve his ten-year marriage and abandon his children. You need to come to terms with this and move on.
If a woman is satisfied with the role of a mistress, she does not wait for the man to leave his wife and come to her one evening with a ring and tickets to Crete, then everything is in order.
But if you feel discomfort from the fact that you are not playing the main role, the best way to calm down and improve your life is to stop such communication. Relationships cannot last only on the woman’s desire to change something. The man's inaction will be a key factor.
How to break with the past?
If you decide to stop dating a married man, the first piece of advice is to look around. Why are you fixated on this particular person? There are so many guys around who secretly look at you in the office or on the street! People with interesting hobbies, caring and open to relationships that are not bound by marriage, children and mortgages.
Talk to the man
If you have the courage, when you meet, tell the man about your decision to end your communication. Explain that you are not satisfied with the second role, scheduled meetings, uncertainty and fear that everyone will find out about your relationship.
Don’t be fooled by his persuasion to “spend one more evening together,” promises to abandon his family, or expensive gifts. Respect your decision!
If you feel that you don’t have the strength to tell the truth straight to your face, write a letter or simply disappear from life with the words: “I’m sorry” - you are a free woman and do not owe a married man anything.
Don't rush into a new love affair
Trying to “repair the damage” from a painful relationship with a married man is unlikely to result in a harmonious relationship. Give yourself time to cool down. Take a couple of days off to lick your wounds, wrapped in a blanket, surrounded by chocolate and romantic films.
Allow yourself to be sad, a little nostalgic and cry. A new stage is impossible unless you complete the old one.
Clear your memories
Photos, correspondence, gifts, phone number... Keep it out of sight. At least for a while, until you can look at them without bitter tears and regrets.
Love yourself
Tell yourself: by refusing such relationships, I recognize myself as an individual. The one who is worthy of love and respect, worthy of taking first place, worthy of the attention and care of a man not according to schedule, but at will! The one who deserves flowers and gifts not as an apology!
Now you don't have to hypnotize your phone while waiting for a call. Accept invitations to parties, sign up for a dating app, go on dates.
Anger is normal
Feeling angry will also help you recover faster from a toxic relationship. Think about it, why do you need a man who plays on two fronts to say the same words of love to two women? Will such a partner be able to support you in a difficult situation? Will he come urgently to the hospital? Will you be there day and night if you need it?
Is it possible to have children with a married man? Go on vacation? Forget about everyone in the world?
Such questions are not the most pleasant, but they open your eyes to the truth, cause tears, resentment, and anger. These emotions can be used to break up with a man and start a new life.
Any separation is painful
Psychologists say that it is always difficult to part with a loved one, even if the relationship was painful and unpleasant. Time will heal wounds, but disrespect towards a woman can remain forever.
The first time will not be easy, but if you find the strength to take this bold step, then a breath of fresh air and a new life awaits you.
Summary
A man takes a mistress because:
- he misses sex and vivid erotic experiences with his wife;
- the relationship and marriage have cooled down emotionally;
- he tries to catch youth by the tail;
- he proves his status to his friends;
- he does not have very high moral values;
- his wife does not understand what her husband really needs.
Ask yourself questions:
- What prompted me to enter into a relationship as a mistress?
- What do I give and what do I gain by being in a relationship with a married man?
- Will I be comfortable continuing a relationship where I am the lover in the background? Or do I want more: family, home, children?
To end a relationship with a married man:
- If you have the courage, say directly that you are tired of this life and want more. Or end the relationship with a short word: “Sorry!”;
- give yourself a few days of loneliness and sadness to move to a new stage;
- love yourself: you deserve more than scheduled meetings and flowers as an apology;
- remove things that remind you of him from your home and phone;
- get angry! And use this energy to start a new phase;
- do not rush into a new romantic adventure;
- remember, any separation is painful. Don’t demand happiness and joy from yourself the very next day. Would you agree to a relationship with a married man?
Team Growth Phase, Growth Phase
Pros of secret communication
Secret relationships give lovers positive experiences that they don’t receive in the family:
- Extension of the romantic period. Spouses rarely maintain a romantic phase after marriage. In a relationship between lovers, this is not a phase, but the only option for spending time together.
- Element of danger. The need to hide adds spice to the novel and makes it more valuable. Forced into hiding, lovers experience an additional rush of adrenaline, as a result, the feeling of satisfaction intensifies and affection increases.
- An opportunity to reconsider your attitude towards family. If the couple's life together has reached a dead end, a shake-up in the form of betrayal will make it possible to understand whether they really need this marriage.
Love between a married man and a married woman is an opportunity to temporarily forget about problems in the family and surrender to romantic feelings. Therefore, in a situation of an unsuccessful marriage, such a relationship becomes the only chance to experience true love.
