Most people view open relationships as something incomprehensible and unnatural. Nevertheless, there is an opposite point of view, according to which this social phenomenon has a lot of positive qualities. This format in no way limits a person’s freedom, and also helps both partners to open up and express themselves.
The essence of free love
What is an open relationship
Many people still don't know what an open relationship is. The free communication format implies joint communication and spending time without any obligations. Often, a man and a woman in an open relationship feel like a couple in love, but are not constrained by a sexual relationship exclusively with each other. Moreover, each case can be characterized by individual characteristics. Before entering into an open relationship, partners need to discuss several important aspects in advance:
- Is it possible for a man and a woman to have intimate contact with other people? For some people, spiritual life takes precedence over physical life. An open relationship involves unhindered communication between partners of the opposite sex, meetings in a cafe or cinema, dates and walks.
- Is it possible to have a permanent lover? Many people in open relationships prefer to have one permanent lover. Partners should discuss this possibility in advance and come to a mutually beneficial agreement.
- Does it make sense to advertise your own union? If a couple still plans to live and live together, it is important to discuss all the points regarding budgeting or any obligations. The partners themselves decide whether to advertise the union to other people or hide it from prying eyes.
Asya Rakhovich
Psychologist with more than 8 years of experience. Consultant on interpersonal and marital relationships, self-discovery.
Ask a Question
Once a man and woman establish specific rules and norms, they will be able to understand what an open relationship would look like and whether this format of communication is suitable for them. Nevertheless, both partners should take into account that this model assumes the same conditions and degree of freedom for both partners, as well as emotional comfort and tranquility.
The main rule of open relationships is setting personal boundaries and rules
Awareness of this phenomenon will allow the couple to fully experience all the nuances of an affair with another person without serious obligations and responsibilities, which in traditional relationships entail marriage, children and joint housekeeping.
Agreement
If you think more closely about what an “open relationship” means, you can come to the conclusion that it is far from regular “hikes to the left”, constant sex with other people and an indifferent attitude towards your partner’s feelings. Not at all. Even here there are some rules and agreements, and each couple chooses how to behave at their own discretion.
For example:
- you can flirt and communicate with whomever you want, but not longer than one night;
- you can do whatever you want, but be sure to discuss it;
- you can flirt, make advances, but not have sex;
- You can go to someone, but you cannot invite them into your home.
It is important to understand that there can be a huge number of such “options”; each pair is individual. Depends on the personal qualities of each person, on courage and desire.
A point that also requires discussion is honesty. You need to be sincere not only with your partner, but also with your new passion. It is necessary to warn her that, for example, there cannot be a serious relationship between you. Then the person will know how to act. Agree to this or not.
If the couple has decided: “That’s it, free love!”, then you also need to calculate the scenario if someone really falls in love. Agree, you cannot command your heart, and you cannot dismiss such a situation as incredible.
Why a man and a woman decide to make their relationship free
Psychologists say that the internal reasons that provoke men and women to choose an open format of communication can be quite deep and sometimes painful. This is why many people don't know how to understand an open relationship. Thus, behind the desire for love without obligations there may be a fear of taking responsibility and giving any guarantees for the future. Often a man and a woman decide to make their relationship free if one of the partners has recently experienced a painful breakup and is not yet ready to plunge into new and serious feelings that imply a complete surrender of emotional and physical strength.
The free communication model is a great way to pass the time without commitment
The most common reason for entering into a relationship without commitment is the reluctance to change your usual life and established way of life. This phenomenon may be due to childhood psychological trauma, incorrect family example from parents, low self-esteem, various personality deformations, etc. Such people are not ready to change, compromise and negotiate, which are integral factors for creating traditional relationships and further family.
Most psychologists agree that behind the desire to find an open relationship there are psychological problems that a person is not yet ready or does not want to get rid of.
In some situations, an affair without serious commitment conveys the partner's intentions not to force things. Women in love often get ahead of themselves, talking on the first date about their desire to get married, have children and completely immerse themselves in the family.
Relationships without serious promises
The very essence of this phenomenon is quite simple. Men and women enter into open relationships because at all costs they want to satisfy their own needs in some area: financial, intimate, sociable, etc.
Swing: many partners, but one love
Swing is a whole lifestyle, according to its adherents.
People from the circle do not accept the phrase “partner exchange.” This is not a sales transaction, but an open dialogue between both parties about a variety of sexual activities. Proponents of the position argue that the approach can satisfy everyone without undermining relationships. Unlike the betrayal we talked about earlier. Swingers have a negative view of her - there should be no secrets in a couple. They choose partners together and discuss all the details. The process itself takes place in different ways: with the participation of couples, as well as singles and triplets. In short, experiment as you wish, the main thing is that your boyfriend or girlfriend participates in the act. Swinging is about sex, not relationships. However, not everyone is able to join this club. Psychological barriers are the main obstacle, so you should offer such initiatives only when you are sure that everything is fine in your couple. However, even after receiving consent, do not lose your vigilance. It is possible that the approving nod is made from the position of the victim. Like, if he wants it, then he can try it, I’ll endure it. If such a situation arises, then both of you will probably not get a positive experience from swinging, and besides, it could change your relationship forever - not for the better. If you feel that this is not for you, then there is no need to insist. Most psychologists are neutral about swinging, but sometimes the practice is mistaken for a deviation - if a person is not able to get excited otherwise. In fact, it is a combination of voyeurism and exhibitionism. However, if a person does not reject traditional forms of sex, then he is healthy. By the way, not all deviations are worth treating.
Pros and cons of open relationships
Absence of any claims, quarrels and jealousy
Excellent friendly and trusting relationships
Complete freedom of your own life
Rich sex life
Equality
Frequent discrepancies between men and women at the stage of formation of personal boundaries and obligations
The constant process of choosing and comparing a partner with other people
High risk of relationship loss
Social censure
Lack of stability
Questions to ask each other if you decide to choose freedom in a relationship:
№1
Is it allowed to be with the same person twice?
№2
Is it possible to communicate with your lover later as with a friend? Or is only physical intimacy allowed?
№3
How will we protect ourselves? Is this necessary?
№4
Is it permissible for a partner to meet the object of affection? If yes, under what circumstances? Is it possible to bring a third person into the house?
№5
What to do if your lover/mistress starts showing their complaints? What should I say?
And much more... Without discussing every important nuance that interests you, it will be difficult to protect yourself from conflicts.
What might be hiding behind the screen of free love?
Quite often, behind the screen of free and unencumbered love, secret factors and intentions can be hidden.
The need to heal emotional wounds
Sometimes a partner agrees to an open romance because of his own need to “warm up” by someone else’s fire, heal emotional wounds and move into a more traditional relationship. Thus, a person risks becoming an ordinary bandage, which will be used to heal mental trauma, and then be disposed of as unnecessary.
The intention to remake a person
In some cases, a man or woman enters into this format of relationship with the secret intention of reaching out to the person and changing his thoughts. However, it should be remembered that these thoughts are absolutely utopian and never bring the desired effect.
Desire for a polygamous life
There are situations when people choose a polygamous lifestyle because they are afraid to trust another person again, want to find someone more suitable, or are not yet sure of their own feelings.
Women's point of view
Women are more monogamous than the stronger sex. Of course, the feminist movement has been gaining popularity recently, however, it has not been able to curb the desire of girls to get married. What does this term mean for beautiful young ladies? Why do they agree to this? Psychology identifies several main reasons:
- The man cheated. One day a girl meets a handsome prince, falls in love with him, and accepts all his words as truth. Here the sly man begins to start talking about the delights of an open relationship, giving a bunch of arguments in their favor. Having trusted him, she herself does not notice how she falls into their network.
- The woman is cheating. This is the reverse of the first case. The lady herself gives freedom without making any claims. But a wise woman will only first give imaginary freedom, and then she will envelop him in deceit and drag him into the registry office.
- I was deceived in my expectations. This happens too. The wife herself is thinking about a serious relationship and decided to conduct an experiment to see if she likes this format more than the traditional one. Moreover, usually such ladies were disappointed more than once. In reality, such freedom becomes a cage for a representative of the fair half of humanity who dreams of mutual love.
Rules of open relationships
The main rule of an open relationship is that both partners really want this format of communication and give their 100% consent. It is important to decide in advance and discuss why partners want such a connection and what they expect from it. It is at this stage that boundaries are established: what is possible, what is permissible, and what is prohibited. Each couple individually develops rules and begins to implement them.
In the format of an open relationship there must be complete trust and understanding
Some partners give complete freedom of action, while others impose strict restrictions and rules. For example, not having intimate contact with mutual friends or acquaintances, spending the night only at home, or not having a regular lover to whom you can become attached on an emotional or physical level.
Don't expect an open relationship or marriage to be easy or simple. Very often, under the facade of such love, a lot of nuances are hidden.
Main rules:
- respect for a man or woman;
- priority of the partner over other people;
- willingness to “share” a partner.
Male point of view
Men are polygamous by nature, so the format of such a family is very attractive to them. What does the sw relationship format mean for the stronger sex?
First of all, this is the opportunity to cheat on your companion with impunity. But there is a catch: the young lady also has the right to cheat within the framework of this marriage model. And here another natural feature manifests itself in the head of the family - individualism. The feeling of jealousy takes its toll, although in fact there are no obligations to each other.
These masculine characteristics are often forgotten when choosing this type of relationship. There are many pitfalls here, including jealousy, the feeling of the presence of an opponent, and time constraints. In fact, it would be a mistake to assume that a guy is able to withstand this type of love for a long time. He will still go to a new passion, more conservative in his views.
Where to begin
Any open relationship must begin with honesty and openness. Partners must express their own desires and needs as accurately and concisely as possible. This will save the man and woman from unnecessary conflicts and unforeseen situations. It is mutual and complete trust that is the key component of communication without obligations.
Strict rules will help avoid quarrels and misunderstandings
Partners should talk about even the most unpleasant things, since deliberately hushing up problems will lead to the collapse of the romance. Under no circumstances should you adhere to such a model of behavior solely in the interests of your other half.
Is the relationship really free?
Often young couples in love resort to the format of ease and complete freedom of action. Psychologists note that people who have experienced such relationships often need qualified help. For few people, the SW format is painless and simple. In many cases, a long affair without commitment causes deep emotional trauma, which is not so easy to heal.
The Painful Consequences of an Open Relationship
Behind the screen of imaginary freedom may be hidden low self-esteem, inability to take responsibility, reluctance to grow up, childhood trauma, as well as various problems and disorders that require psychological study and adjustment. In this regard, the answer to the question of what an open relationship means can be very ambiguous.
When the problems start
Freedom in marriage is the opportunity to go beyond the generally accepted framework of relationships. But this does not mean at all that this opportunity will be used. As long as the spouses strictly follow their rules, there are no problems in their relationship.
Problems sometimes begin before a scandal breaks out. It often happens that one of the spouses makes concessions to his other half and in his heart does not at all approve of this format of family life. Discontent is brewing, reaching its climax at one fine moment.
Thus, the first reason for the breakdown of a marriage is the unpreparedness of one of the spouses for this format of living together. Other reasons include:
- uncontrollable jealousy: you seem to have agreed and are using this freedom yourself, but jealousy gnaws at you from the inside;
- violation of agreements and rules;
- the emergence of feelings for another;
- feeling of relationship instability;
- neglect of contraception;
- pressure from relatives and society - this format of relationships cannot be called generally accepted;
- interference of a lover or mistress in your relationship - they may not believe that you allow each other to cheat;
- the emergence of new circumstances, for example, serious illness, injury, birth of a child.
As an example of successful experience of open relationships, perhaps, we can cite the traditional family model in Islam. This is not an entirely free relationship between husband and wife, but it would be a stretch to call it that. A man has the right to have several wives and many concubines. But behind this right is the responsibility to provide every woman with a decent standard of living. He cannot single out one of his wives and spend time with her; it is prohibited to deprive others.
But women do not have such rights. A wife can only create comfort at home, give birth to children from her husband and raise them.
And one more thing - in such families, girls are initially raised in such a way that they should become good wives when they grow up. However, they will not be the only ones with their husbands.
Despite such an uneven distribution of freedoms, women are protected. And this protection more than compensates for the lack of opportunity to even communicate with other men. For example, if a husband dies, the husband’s family takes care of the woman and her children.
