How to break up with a married man: advice from a psychologist

In this article we will tell you:

4 reasons to leave your lover
The best ways to painlessly leave a married lover
Advice from psychologists to help you leave your lover

How to leave your lover if there are plenty of reasons to do so? The question is not an easy one, given the internal discomfort one sometimes experiences in connection with this event in an attempt not to hurt anyone’s feelings and to do the right thing.

One way or another, if a woman has an affair on the side, one day she may want to end this relationship. Our article will tell you how to do this as tactfully and calmly as possible. In it we reflected the methods and advice of psychologists that will help you.

What to say to break up with a married man

Don’t leave quietly by changing your place of residence and SIM card. If the relationship lasts a long time, it means that the lover is satisfied with everything. And since men are possessive by nature, the lover will not just let go. Will find a way to meet to return. You shouldn’t throw a tantrum at the end, expressing what has become painful over the years of communication. Otherwise, you will provoke an unpleasant and offensive scandal that will not improve the situation at all.

Relationship psychology, the science of interaction between people, advises gradually moving away from your lover in order to reduce the pain of the breakup.

Thoughtfully bring yourself and the man to the idea of the need to separate. Stop calling and looking for meetings, switch to communicating with friends and your own hobbies.

If you have firmly decided to break up with a married man forever, structure the final conversation wisely so as not to leave the possibility of retreat and not to offend your lover.

For example, say, “Thank you for your love, passion, and attention. But the hopeless romance has exhausted itself. In memory of the past, let’s part ways without mutual insults and reproaches.” Alternatively, you can tactfully explain: “Understand! Do you have a family. I want to be a wife and mother. I want healthy, normal relationships and stability. Don't hold me back! It's time for both of us to move on."

Reasons for the appearance of a secret partner in a woman’s life

Practice allows us to identify a number of reasons why a woman decides to take a lover. Such relationships can vary in duration , but almost never lead to the creation of a new full-fledged union. A lover always allows you to satisfy a woman’s need that her husband is unable to satisfy:

sexy;
emotional;
financial.

Moreover, if one area of life does not meet a woman’s expectations, the rest completely suit her. It is for this reason that she does not seek to leave her husband and start a new relationship with another partner.

How to properly break up with a married man

So, the idea of a breakup is ripe. The next step is to decide how to break up with your lover beautifully and easily. Unfortunately, you can't get rid of feelings quickly. However, step-by-step self-training will help significantly speed up the process.

Prepare yourself mentally for separation

Psychologists believe that attachment on an emotional level does not allow a woman to break off a relationship with a married man in a timely manner. A forbidden relationship, especially at first, gushes with passion, extremes and fleeting flashes of bright emotions, which are quite easy to confuse with true love. At the thought of ending the relationship, the lover experiences severe panic. After all, you will have to be left alone with your own feelings, without moral and sometimes material support.

However, in an affair with a married man, feelings are often illusory, and patronage is temporary. Sooner or later, the physical attraction will weaken and the relationship will end. The husband will return to the family, and the mistress risks falling into depression.

So think about whether it’s worth wasting the best years of your life to end up with nothing.

Do not break off the relationship spontaneously; first, be mentally prepared for changes in order to mitigate the painful psychological consequences. Think about what kind of future you would like: to constantly live in anticipation of someone else’s man, or to feel the love and care of your legal husband every day, to experience the joint joy of giving birth and raising children.

If we had met someone else, maybe we would already have our own family, healthy relationships and confidence in the future. But you are trapped in an affair with a married man, so you subconsciously reject a possible union with a free partner.

Don’t listen to your lover’s excuses that he never loved his wife, is unhappy in his marriage, and will get divorced to marry you. This is a lie and often self-deception that suits a man. If he really wanted to leave his wife, even the children would not have been able to stop him.

To tune in to a breakup, do auto-training, repeating daily that you want true love, not attachment, a stable future, a husband, children. When you're ready to break up, share it with a close friend or mother to get moral support and stay on track with your goal.

Take a sober look at the situation

Objectively assess the current situation before deciding to finally separate from your married lover. Think about whether you want to continue to remain a mistress, and not a legal spouse. It is clear that a man benefits from such a relationship. At home he will feed and caress his spouse, and receive passion and consolation from his mistress. However, think about whether you are ready to sacrifice your own happiness and the joy of motherhood for the sake of meeting with an unfree partner.

Think about what you will get from dating someone else's spouse.

In the event of a divorce, half of the jointly acquired property will go to the legal wife, and a loving father will not abandon the children to their fate. But a mistress has no guarantees. The man is nearby while he receives sexual and moral satisfaction.

And if a lover nevertheless leaves his wife and marries you, there is no guarantee that sooner or later a passion on the side will not appear. After all, if you betrayed a loved one once, it’s even easier to decide the second time. In addition, it doesn’t hurt to look at your partner with the eyes of an outside observer. After all, it may happen that a gentle, attentive and generous man with his mistress turns out to be a despot and miser for family members.

Having soberly assessed your own role in the current triangle and having decided to end your relationship with a married man, do not become discouraged.

Think about the prospects that will appear after the breakup. There are a lot of single guys around who are aiming for a serious relationship. Perhaps there is a worthy candidate for life partner in your circle who should have been given a chance long ago.

Change your behavior

It is not easy to leave a married man you love on your own initiative. To soften the psychological blow of breaking up, move away gradually, carefully bringing the romance to its logical conclusion. Change your own behavior, show disobedience.

For example, refuse to dine at a restaurant chosen by your partner that is safe due to the lack of acquaintances. Don't try to please a man on demand. Let your partner know that you also have urgent matters to attend to. If an alternative arises, feel free to cancel your appointment to enjoy your time in another company.

By refusing the usual comfort, you will see the real essence of your partner, usually far from the ideal far-fetched in your dreams.

It is quite possible that a man who is not used to bickering will decide to end his relationship with his wayward passion and return to his obedient wife. By showing character, you will accept and love yourself as a completely independent person. Awareness of your own usefulness will make it easier to endure the breakup.

If you decide to break up with a married man, openly announce the separation

Men don't take hints. Therefore, if you have made the final decision to leave your married lover, say so directly. You should not notify about the breakup by SMS or by phone, otherwise your partner will not take your decision seriously. Make an appointment and think over your own course of action in advance.

It is better to tell your lover about breaking up while looking him in the eye. Be serious, don’t make jokes, don’t listen to persuasion to come to your senses. Tell your man how unpleasant and humiliating it is for you to be a mistress. Explain that, despite the feelings and affection, you are experiencing disappointment and dissatisfaction from the secret affair.

Convey to the man that you also have the right to family happiness.

However, no matter how much you want to throw out the negativity that has accumulated in your soul on your partner, you should not end the relationship with complaints against your partner. In memory of the pleasant moments you shared, try to part ways peacefully.

Avoid your lover after a breakup

Unfortunately, feelings cherished over several years will not disappear overnight. Surely, doubts about the correctness of the decision made and a desire to return to the old relationship will arise more than once. Therefore, the pressing question arises of how to finally and irrevocably break up with the married man you love.

To begin, set a goal to resolve all pressing issues during the last conversation. Show your partner that you are serious and really do not intend to continue the affair.

After breaking up, avoid your ex-lover by all means possible. Do not respond to letters and SMS, ignore calls. Under no circumstances agree to a new meeting.

It is quite possible that the man will try in every possible way to cross paths, beg to change his mind, and send gifts. Of course, such behavior will flatter a woman’s vanity. However, make no mistake, a lover behaves this way out of wounded pride, because no one wants to be abandoned. Besides, the man, unlike you, was quite happy with the love triangle.

Why do you want to stop meeting?

New relationships are enjoyable only for the first time.
The feeling of novelty, long-awaited attention or receiving material benefits brings pleasure , but soon the woman begins to experience:

fear of “getting caught”;
reluctance to destroy the family (due to children or common property);
real feelings for your spouse;
moral discomfort from forced deception.

After carefully considering the current situation and weighing all the risks, the woman comes to the logical conclusion that it is not advisable to continue the relationship in the long term.

How to get over a breakup

It's hard to recover after ending a long-term relationship. Not every mistress can easily survive such a process as breaking up with a married man. To quickly get rid of negative emotions, depression and self-flagellation, try taking the advice of psychologists.

Don't look for meetings with your ex-lover. Don't control his life through mutual friends. If you meet by chance, do not have intimate conversations. If you are colleagues, communicate exclusively on business matters. If possible, change your job. The sooner you cut a man out of your life, the faster you will rehabilitate yourself.

Don't stay alone for long. Have heart-to-heart conversations with your mother or close friend more often. If you are in pain and have no one to talk to, go to a psychologist. Don’t close yourself off from the people around you in your own little world.

If you’re invited to a party, don’t refuse, even if you’re morally depressed.

To get rid of thoughts about your ex-partner, do something you love or find a new hobby. Yoga, beading, painting or macramé can help soothe inner anxiety. If possible, take a vacation and travel abroad.

Take care of your own appearance. Visit spa treatments, change your image, hairstyle, makeup. Go shopping and buy beautiful clothes and quality cosmetics. Realize your own attractiveness and self-sufficiency.

Don't seek solace in alcohol. It will help you forget only for a while and can increase your depression.

It’s also not worth getting into a new relationship. You risk hurting not only yourself, but also your partner. Before starting an affair, you should calm down and come to inner harmony.

Don't live for what's gone. Remove photos and gifts from your ex-lover together. If there are his things left in the apartment, collect them and return them to the owner. If possible, change your place of residence or the interior of your home. Surround yourself with pleasant things that bring exclusively positive emotions.

Olga F.

Advice from psychologists

Psychologists are sure that a connection between a family man and a woman occurs if she has had any experienced problems and disappointment in love .

Tired of serious relationships or abandoned, more often such girls start secret relationships. Thus, they increase self-esteem, escape from the fear of loneliness and dilute everyday life with a new spark.

Why do single beauties date married people?

There are several answers to this question:

Romantic mood of the girl. She simply liked the signs of attention and courtship from a person attractive to her and his marital status is not important. The feeling of being in love and lightness, without the stress of everyday life, is enough for her;
Hopelessness . The woman believes that all good candidates are already taken and therefore is content with the role of mistress;
Calculation . For the sake of a decent financial condition, girls are ready to have a relationship with a married man. The main thing is to receive luxurious gifts and money for maintenance, and, perhaps, their goal is to take them away from the family in order to receive alimony later;
Self-affirmation . For this reason, a woman can win the attention of a family man. She is interested in sex without obligations, the mystery of meetings, and constant flirting. She is not ready for a family, but she likes this kind of freedom;
Love . A strong warm feeling gives a woman hope that she can become his only one and take the place of his wife. She is ready to wait and blindly believe that she is the one.

Attention! Such relationships cannot continue; you should leave your lover after consulting a psychologist.

Psychological preparation

Some representatives of the fair sex do not want to endure an uncertain relationship for a long time with a man who already has a family, so they prefer to leave a married man. The stories of these women are different: for some it works out easily, since the lover also has doubts about further communication. Others have to suffer for a long time, because the man categorically does not agree with the prospect of losing the joy of communication with two loving women.

If a woman has finally decided to break up, psychologists recommend preparing mentally for this. To do this, it is necessary to soberly and objectively analyze the situation that has developed. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated (this is exactly what is happening in your relationship now, even if you consider this connection to be your initiative). Surely you were hoping to build a serious relationship, but you were simply deceived. And if your plans included only physical relaxation, variety in routine life, or a thirst for extreme sports, consider that you have already gotten what you wanted.

How to politely and beautifully send off a guy by correspondence

Refusing a guy on the Internet seems like nothing could be easier, right? However, there are rules here too. Basically they overlap with what we talked about earlier, but other options are possible - for example:

“I realized that we are not a couple”;
“I met another man”;
“We have great communication, but as a couple we are not suitable for each other.”

There is no need to write a long message listing all the reasons; it is enough to choose one suitable one in order to harmlessly reject an online acquaintance. If you can’t do this, the only way out is to ignore.

Hard options

A real case from life.

-Can I meet you?

-Where are you going, I’ll take you?

– I’m looking for a quiet place for a grave.

“I killed a guy, I’m thinking of burying him.”

Some individuals do not understand either the first time, or the second, or the third. Sometimes a young man deserves a rude refusal because of his boorish speech or outright stupidity. To answer firmly and not run into conflict, it is enough to say ordinary phrases, but at the same time turn on metal and irritability in your voice. At the same time, it is advisable not to insult him, not to give him negative assessments, and especially not to swear.

Do you want a decent man? Then remember this phrase: “you are a smart man.”

Every man considers himself smart. But many girls think that if you give such compliments to men, then he will relax, he will sit on his neck. Just try it. You can try this in any situation. The man talks a lot. What does he want to hear? He wants to hear how smart he is. Mom didn't tell him. How did most mothers raise their sons? “You’re bad, you’re doing it wrong, you’re doing it badly.” And she thinks that now I will criticize him, and he will become better. And you also look at your mother, grow up and think that you need to criticize your husband, a man on a date, and then he will have a desire to become better.

What mistakes do women make?

When breaking up with a lover, it is common for a woman to have doubts. Especially if the man resists in every possible way. Promises to buy an expensive gift or take you to a long-awaited resort can make you change your mind.

Beautiful words can change a woman’s decision or postpone a serious conversation for an indefinite time. You should not blindly believe in a possible happy future if the intention to separate was meaningful and deliberate.

The second common mistake that a woman makes when breaking up with her lover is talking while drunk. Alcohol significantly affects a person's behavior, thoughts and feelings. Drinking alcohol “to be brave” is not a good idea for a serious conversation.

It is also inappropriate to resolve an important issue over the phone or choose the tactic of silent “self-elimination.”

Without understanding the situation, it is impossible to predict the man’s further actions, his reaction, and intentions .

In a conversation, you should not use foul language, hurl accusations and insults. If possible, parting should take place in calm tones, with a minimum of passions. Then the likelihood that the offended lover will attempt revenge is negligible.

Remorse and guilt towards their husbands often force women to confess everything to their spouse. The development of the conflict is unpredictable, but often, wives want their honesty in the very next minute.

What to expect during a breakup?

Depending on the temperament of the partners, there may be the following scenarios:

If you and your partner are calm, balanced people, you shouldn’t be afraid of a breakup. You are both smart adults and understand how life works and adequately assess what is happening. Your partner will understand the desire to leave him after hearing the reasons. You'll probably even remain friends after the breakup.
If you are emotionally unstable, and your partner is calm and balanced, you have nothing to fear again. However, your partner may not be happy. After all, you can say nothing to him and leave or part with the scandal. You won’t even read this article, because the question “How to get rid of your lover(s)?” you probably don't care.
If you are calm and balanced, and your partner is an “emotional bomb,” you should be wary of a violent breakup. Firstly, moment X will most likely pass harshly, expect screams, swearing and scandals. Secondly, be prepared for the consequences. Your spouse may find out about infidelity, your lover or mistress may begin to pursue you after breaking up - you can expect anything. You should have thought carefully before entering into a relationship with such a person.
If both you and your partner are emotionally unstable individuals, the desire to break up may simply be an outburst of emotions. You need to figure out exactly who you want to be with: your spouse, your lover, or both. If the breakup is your firm decision, you cannot predict how it will go: whether one of you will “explode”, or you will go your separate ways without further ado. Anything can happen.