“If I were a sultan, I would have three wives...” this is how the famous song begins. Indeed, in Arab countries, polygamy is normal. The psychology of men gives the exact answer why they have mistresses. All representatives of the male world are polygamous, therefore, since ancient times, polygamy and harems have been welcomed in Arab countries.
Although today in many countries there are still families where the husband has several wives. But in Russia it is customary to have only one single beloved soulmate. Our families consist of a husband and wife who, having fallen in love with each other, get married. But even in ideal family relationships, betrayal happens.
Psychology of a married man
Most men are “conquerors” by nature, and they can often fully realize this instinct while being single. Having entered into marriage, at first a man feels satisfied, because he has won the woman he likes, but later, this may not seem enough to him, and the “hunter’s instinct” haunts him.
Being married, he needs self-affirmation, and if he cannot find this feeling at home or at work, then he begins to “look around.” Also, a man feels the need not only for physical, but also for emotional contact with his wife, however, over time, many couples, for one reason or another, move away from each other, and therefore most of the stronger sex begin to look for other women with whom they could to satisfy your needs. In extramarital relationships, a man tries to “get” what his family lacks. Of course, in this situation we will exclude men who are pathological cheaters and will have affairs on the side in any case. And yet, such people are in the minority - more often, betrayal occurs precisely because of dissatisfaction with family relationships.
Genes - nowhere from them
A man who often heard in childhood that his dad was a womanizer, accepted this type of behavior as a dogma. For him, this was normal in his parents’ family, and it will be normal in his own. And when in adult life a traitor follows the path of his father, you can hear from his parents that these are genes. Yes, it’s easy to shift the responsibility to Mother Nature. (Something from the category of stories about a wide bone).
He was raised this way, this is how he justifies himself. Such men have not formed the concept of family unity. He is a male. There is one who washes him, irons him. There are those he has. Another sign of male irresponsibility can even be an accusation against the wife, saying that she herself is to blame. He completely devalues her in front of the children. And later in their adult life the picture will be duplicated.
The reason here is not even in the father's example. The problem is that the future man was not taught to take responsibility for himself and his actions. If this quality is instilled, then the situation will be the other way around. The future man saw enough in childhood that he will despise betrayal and traitors for the rest of his life. He may even be too jealous of his chosen one.
Why does a married man need a mistress?
Self-affirmation at the expense of a young mistress
By starting an affair with a person much younger than himself, an adult and experienced man asserts himself in his own eyes and in the eyes of many of his peers. He believes that since such a girl is interested in him, this clearly indicates that he is in no way inferior to the young guys whom she might prefer instead of him. That is, the man is convinced that, despite the fact that the years go by, he still does not give up his position in the “marriage market.” He may also be comforted by the knowledge that his friends know about his affair with a young lady, although usually men try to hide connections on the side.
Another woman - new sensations
It is very difficult to gain a variety of sensations in your personal life, living for a long time with the same woman, and often for this reason men periodically begin to pay attention to other representatives of the fair sex. Everyone sometimes wants something new, and not every man is able to fight this desire. Another woman, of course, speaks, looks, dresses, laughs, etc. differently. You can expect surprises from another woman, while the wife, most often, is an already “read book” who has nothing to surprise her husband.
Sex with my wife is boring, there is not enough passion
Very few married couples are able to maintain the intensity of passions in their intimate lives after years of living together. Often married couples admit that over time, lovemaking has become somehow “mechanical”, and gradually this area begins to lose any novelty in sensations. It often happens that a wife tries in every possible way to avoid “marital duty,” and if it does come to intimacy, then this happens without much enthusiasm. At the same time, it is worth understanding that in fact very few women really do not like sex, and in the case described above, as a rule, there is a completely different problem - the wife gets very tired during the day, she does not like her husband as a lover, and she is no longer waiting that this can be fixed and the like. In order for the problem to be solved, the couple should frankly discuss everything and try to find a way out.
The wife has no time for her husband
The wife spends a lot of time at work and is completely devoted to raising children, her hobbies, or running the household. This story is not at all uncommon for many married couples. At first, the husband is indignant and tries to turn the situation in his direction, but if he still fails to find a response from his wife, or the effect lasts temporarily, then he gradually stops trying to change anything. However, few men are ready to put up with this state of affairs, and if they do get such an opportunity, they contact another woman. At the same time, as a rule, men are not too tormented by feelings of guilt, and subconsciously understand that their spouse is also to blame for their behavior, who did not want to really assess the seriousness of the situation.
Lost interest and sexual desire
Loss of sexual desire and interest in your wife can be caused by many factors. One of the most obvious is that the wife no longer looks attractive. At the same time, we are not talking about age-related changes at all, but about the lack of proper self-care. Some men may lose interest in their wife due to changes in her weight - if he noticed you when you were thin, and now you have added a few extra pounds, then you may seem less attractive to him than before. At the same time, a man himself does not always fully realize what exactly he does not like, or he does not dare voice his complaints. It is also worth noting that some women not only do not care about looking seductive or simply attractive at home, but sometimes forget about ordinary neatness. If you get into the habit of walking around the house with unclean hair, wrinkled or dirty clothes, and the like, then most likely a man will be repulsed by this.
No feelings, they live in marriage for the sake of children
Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for spouses to live in marriage only in order not to traumatize their children by separation, feeling obligations to them. Meanwhile, it is worth noting that the older children get, the more clearly they notice the alienation between their parents, even if they try to disguise it or somehow hide it. That is why it makes sense to think about whether you need such a marriage. You can always try to restore the relationship, remember how it all began, and try to bring back old feelings. If this is not possible, then it is advisable to still think about breaking off such a relationship. Subsequently, it is unlikely that your children will appreciate your sacrifices, and you yourself will most likely regret the years spent in dislike.
Antidepressant
Various problems constantly happen in a man's life. The important point here is to remain calm and feel supported in order to be able to cope with any problems. However, understanding and mutual support often disappear between spouses over the years. The wife no longer listens to the man, does not give him advice, and is not interested in his problems. Most men do not belong to the category of successful people at all, which can internally gnaw at them and constantly bother them. And here is a girl who understands, supports, worries - in other words, an antidepressant.
If a man needs moral support, communication with a woman, advice and recommendations, then he will be happy to be carried away by the young lady who will give him this. If, according to his wife, he is a loser, then he will definitely have a mistress who will admire him and call him her hero.
Thus, the man found in his mistress the peace that his wife did not give him.
Psychology of relationships between lovers
What attracts a man so much that he becomes a married lover?
Many men are greedy for the so-called “forbidden fruit,” and a mistress, if she has a legal or common-law spouse, of course, belongs to this category. Overall, there can be many reasons why men decide to have a relationship with another woman. Some people want to assert themselves by having intimate relationships with attractive or younger partners, while others are running away from problems in their marriage. Some men themselves cannot determine why they decided to cheat on their wife - sometimes an affair on the side begins completely spontaneously. As a rule, a married man is no longer as popular with the opposite sex as he was before, and if an interesting woman still pays attention to him, even the most exemplary family man will note this for himself. Some will simply be flattered by the interest of another woman, but others may decide to return the attention.
A man is looking for an affair on the side, although he loves his wife, why
Situations are quite common when a man tries to find a relationship on the side, but at the same time does not want to ruin his marriage, realizing that he still loves his wife. Someone will say that it is impossible to love and cheat, but it is worth remembering that almost every rule has an exception. So, for what reasons might a man decide to cheat? He lacks the attention of his wife, and he is desperate to achieve it, and meanwhile another woman is showing increased interest in him. Another possible reason: he learned about his wife’s betrayal, and this thought is unbearable to him - out of despair or resentment, he decides to do a similar act. It may also be that, despite his feelings for his wife, the man understands that they have had serious problems in their intimate life for a long time, and it is not possible to fix it. The issue may be a mismatch of temperaments, excessive conservatism of the wife, and much more.
The mistress is always attractive and beautiful
Living with his wife under the same roof, a man usually sees her in any condition: tired and exhausted after a hard day at work, nervous, groggy after illness, and the like. Being in front of her husband every day, not every woman is able to constantly look impeccable and restrain negative emotions when something upsets her. In turn, it is much easier for the mistress in this regard. As a rule, meetings take place at a pre-agreed time, and by this time the woman usually prepares thoroughly - she takes care of her appearance and greets her partner in high spirits. Every time he sees his mistress well-groomed, rested and cheerful, the man gradually begins to establish himself in the idea that she always looks like this, involuntarily comparing her with his wife (of course, not in favor of the latter).
She loves sex
Sex with a mistress is usually more passionate and vibrant than with a spouse. However, this does not mean at all that one woman is more temperamental than the other. Firstly, when going to a meeting with her lover, a girl is initially inclined to spend intimate time. Secondly, relationships with a mistress are most often shorter than with a wife, and, as you know, at first almost any couple experiences a surge of passion, and especially if they do not live under the same roof, but meet from time to time. However, of course, it may also be that the mistress is really more liberated than the wife and loves sex much more. Of course, for most men this trait seems very attractive in women. Intimate intimacy is very important for many males, and if with another woman it is much brighter and more intense than with a wife, then this can result in divorce.
Second youth
By entering into a new relationship with another woman (especially if she is much younger), a man seems to gain a second youth - at least it seems so to him. He re-experiences what he experienced at a younger age - first dates, the period of courtship, getting to know the tastes and characteristics of his partner, the excitement of the first intimate meetings. Of course, with his wife this period is left behind, but with his mistress the man seems to be returning to the years of his youth. Of course, if there is a harmonious relationship in a marriage, and a woman has a desire to surprise her husband, then the desire to find a “second youth” will most likely bypass him.
Doesn’t nag about trifles and family life
Most often, relationships between married couples begin to deteriorate precisely on domestic grounds, especially if the spouse goes to work. It is difficult for a woman to cope with all household issues, especially if there are children growing up in the house, and if a man does not provide timely assistance, this leads to irritation and resentment. Also, a man may be dissatisfied that his wife, for example, does not always have time to cook, while his mistress usually greets him with his favorite dishes. In relationships on the side, everyday issues in general are rarely touched upon or to an insignificant extent, leaving room only for entertainment and exciting evenings.
Unencumbered relationship, no obligations
In relationships with their mistresses, most men value ease and ease. The wife, as a rule, makes much more demands than the mistress, and because of this, the man begins to feel that family relationships are a serious burden for him. In turn, he relaxes in the company of his mistress, and sometimes it even begins to seem to him that if he had chosen to live together with this woman, leaving his wife, then their relationship would have been just as easy in the future. Of course, this is just an illusion.
All from the family
It is very important in what environment the boy grew up. If everyone in the family idolized him, almost carried him in their arms, indulged his whims, naturally, the child will grow up with the feeling (and then go with him through life) that he is the navel of the earth, the crown of the universe. As an adult, such a man will always look for a woman who is constantly ready to tell him that he is the best in the world. But as soon as she stops doing this, he will begin to look for a new passion, willing to sing his praises 24 hours a day.
Related article TEST: Are you satisfied with your marriage? “Mama’s boys” are also prone to cheating. It is no secret that there are often mothers who “tie” their child to themselves, and he grows up completely dependent. If such a “son” eventually breaks away from the “strong family embrace,” he goes exclusively to the same “mother.” He is looking for a woman who will cook for him, wash, clean, etc. Yes, he can really love her, but not as a woman, but as a mother, from whom he, as at the age of 15, will start running around the entrances and kissing other girls.
What should a woman do : It is better to avoid relationships with narcissistic men; they will always look for connections on the side and bask in women’s attention and adoration. But a “mama’s boy” can easily be made into a faithful husband. The main thing is to separate the roles, become his mother and lover in one bottle. For example, you can call him differently: when you are a “mother” - by name and in a harsher voice, when you are a “mistress” - by a cat, a bunny, and in a more affectionate way. And no matter how stupid it may sound, the man will “run” from you to you.
My husband has a mistress, what should I do?
Don’t panic, but weigh everything and think it through
Do not rush to panic and create a huge scandal. If you know that you cannot restrain yourself from expressing all your complaints to your spouse, then try spending at least one evening in another place - go to spend the night with a relative or friend under a plausible pretext. During the allotted time, try to pull yourself together and think about why this happened and what your mistake was. After this, you need to determine whether you are ready to tell your husband that you know about the presence of a mistress, or until you have the patience to not admit it and “beat” your rival. It is important to realize that in the near future your life will not be able to flow in the same direction.
Find out if this is temporary or is this a permanent mistress
Of course, if possible, it is worth finding out what kind of relationship we are talking about - is it a short-term romance, or the man has been living with practically two families for a long time. In the second situation, everything is much more complicated - even if your spouse ultimately chooses you, you will not be sure of him for a long time. If we are talking about a short-term affair, then there are also some nuances. A man who took such a step for the first time may not do the same again. However, if such a relationship did not arise for the first time during marriage, then it will be quite difficult for him to give up his habits.
Are you ready to fight to save your family?
However, it is also important to note the fact that not every woman is ready to enter into confrontation with an unexpected competitor and fight to save her own family. Some wives become disillusioned with their marriage and husband after realizing that their lover has been deceiving her for some time, paying attention to another woman, and at the same time continuing to enjoy the benefits of family life (ready-made lunches and dinners, clean clothes, care, and much more). Unable to come to terms with this hypocrisy and not seeing an opportunity to further build a family life, the wife decides to divorce. If you understand that your attachment to your husband is stronger than resentment and disappointment, then try to start a fight.
Scandal or peaceful conversation
It is unlikely that you will achieve a positive effect with a scandal. Even if the husband, after such an emotional shake-up, leaves his mistress, you and he will be left with a more unpleasant feeling in your heart than it could have been. A peaceful conversation is in any case better than a scandal, regardless of whether you intend to save the marriage or are determined to divorce. Firstly, you will show yourself from a more plausible side, and secondly, you will save yourself a lot of nerves. And the husband will probably be impressed by such behavior, and will have a more sobering effect than screaming.
Find out the reasons for cheating
Try to understand why your husband decided to take this step. If you decide to have a direct conversation with your spouse, then ask him this question. Even if his answer seems absurd to you, do not rush to declare this, but think about the man’s words, try to put yourself in his place. If your husband cannot give a clear answer, or you yourself do not dare to ask direct questions, try to independently determine why this could happen. Do not rush to place all the blame on your spouse. It is worth recognizing that most often the fact that husbands cheat is partly the wives’ fault - the main thing is to realize what exactly your mistake was, unless, of course, we are talking about a pathological cheater.
Forgive and don't let this happen
Of course, if you still have feelings for your husband in your heart, then you should give your family a chance to recover. But do not forget about a very simple and useful truth: you can forgive only those who need forgiveness. Often, husbands exposed for infidelity are in no hurry to apologize to their spouses and do not ask to be given the opportunity to fix everything. Men caught red-handed admit the presence of a mistress, but in response they blame their wife for what happened and for some time cannot decide who to choose. The situation can reach such an absurdity when a man almost openly begins to live in two houses, and his legal wives, who do not want a divorce, put up with this state of affairs. Such a family can hardly be called happy or complete, and you probably understand this. Talk to your husband, find out whether he has a desire to save the family, whether he is ready to give up an affair on the side. If in response you see even the slightest confusion, it is better to find a way to separate for a while and think about the current situation separately from each other. It is possible that at a distance you will realize that nothing really connects you for a long time, or you will miss each other and look at your family life differently.
Divorce and care
Once you realize that your husband does not repent or that you are unable to forgive him, do not be afraid to file for divorce. Changes in life frighten many women so much that they are ready to live poorly in order not to change anything. Some believe that the status of a divorced woman is humiliating, they do not leave their husband under pressure from relatives, they do not want to deprive their family of children together, or they are afraid that they will no longer be able to improve their personal life. And, nevertheless, it is important to understand that if you are not comfortable in your marriage, then you cannot fix it alone - the necessary efforts must be made by both parties, otherwise you are simply doomed to an unhappy family life.
After a divorce, many women begin to “bloom” and even regret that they did not take this step earlier. Think about what really keeps you next to your unfaithful husband, who does not really repent of what he did. It’s one thing if we are talking about such strong feelings as love, and quite another if you are held back by the housing problem, thoughts about children, or something like that. Think about how you could solve your problems without your husband. However, there is another situation - both spouses do not feel any special feelings for each other, and are ready to live in an open marriage. That is, for those around them they are a full-fledged family, but in reality their relationship is far from close. In such cases, the woman is not at all hurt by her husband’s affairs on the side - the main thing for her is that he financially provides for the family and gives her the status of a married woman. If your situation is in some way similar to the one described above, then, of course, divorce in your case is not necessary - at least for some period.
Reasons for male infidelity
Marital infidelity is a common and easily explained phenomenon. Science identifies two main reasons - polygamy and polyamory. But psychology takes a deeper look at this phenomenon, highlighting the main reasons for male infidelity:
- dissatisfaction with the quality of sexual relations in marriage;
- lack of attraction to his wife;
- conflicts and quarrels in the family
- need for self-affirmation;
- propensity towards promiscuity.
There is an opinion that only weak men have mistresses. But the realities of life prove the fallacy of this statement. From a biological point of view, all people, regardless of gender, strength of character and moral principles, are equally prone to polygamy.
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