Cheating exists, it's not a myth. Moreover, betrayal can happen to anyone. Like the flu. No matter how much you harden yourself, no matter how much you take vitamins, there is always a risk. There are also a lot of reasons for cheating. You will learn about them from other articles on this site (links are at the end of the article).
When cheating happens in a couple, life is divided into “before” and “after”. After betrayal, everything is different. But that’s not about that now. Today we will touch on the stage “before” betrayal. How does it start? What factors influence a man's decision to cheat? Does this moment even exist - the moment of deciding to betray?
Of course, not everyone changes.
Way of self-affirmation
There are men who vitally need feats in love affairs. New women they will conquer.
As a rule, after conquest they cool down and begin to look for a new object of attention.
This is the predominance of a certain type of human character, with whom it is important for a man to constantly be in a state of flirtation, conquest and not go further.
Such men do not know what to do next with a woman. How to live with her in marriage and what format of relationship to have.
They can start a family, but the desire to conquer other women will remain with them.
At the same time, betrayal can only stop at flirting, at being infatuated with others, I will say, more on a platonic level, but it can also move to the physical level.
Divorce is too complicated
Many men surveyed by sociologists realize that their marital relationships have outlived their usefulness. There are no former feelings, passion, interest. It would seem that we need to separate and go our separate ways. But the process of ending a relationship, especially if it lasted several years, is too complicated. A lot of moral, financial and legal problems arise. This may result in one spouse having limited communication with their children.
Or he will have to lose a considerable share of his property. Also, members of the male population may worry about the reputation they will have after leaving the relationship. At the same time, the prospect of being caught with a mistress somehow scares them less. It is much easier for men to periodically date a “left” girl and maintain their current relationship than to deal with the consequences of their breakup.
The opinion of one of the survey participants, Victor, on this topic:
“I lived with my wife for almost twenty years. We had an ordinary relationship. Children, home, work. Now I feel that she has begun to move away from me. She has developed her own interests, she is not very willing to communicate with me about her affairs. We don't have dinner together. Of course it's unpleasant. But where to go? I can't leave my family. While my feelings for my wife have weakened, I still love my children very much.
Divorce may make it impossible for me to communicate with them as freely as I do now. I do not need it. Sometimes we meet with our mistress and just sleep. I keep her at a distance, she doesn’t pretend to anything, because she’s in approximately the same situation. All my risks are reflected in her. But I don’t plan to leave my wife; this will significantly affect the lives of our children. I don't want them to think I abandoned them."
Sex shortage at home
Often in practice I meet women who think: if she gets married, the man will be with her forever.
Such women relax and stop taking care of themselves the way they did before. They turn into a mother, a wife, and hide themselves in the role of a lover.
Although a stable relationship is a new stage. Many sexual things become comfortable, sex becomes rare. Such women do not pay attention to their men's comments about their clothes, their hairstyle, their figure, etc.
Sex is an extension of your feelings, which manifest themselves physically. This is an exchange of energies. Love can be shown in many ways, and sex is one of them.
If for your man sex is a sign of your love for him, then the absence of sex will indicate that you do not love him.
Through sex, you give your man energy that helps him achieve his goals and earn money.
If you don’t give sex, you block these moments in your man’s development. It is important to talk about what you like and realize each other’s fantasies. If you don’t have them, there will be those who want to do it.
If you have difficulties with fantasies, with the way you are in sex, read literature, go to classes on imbuilding (working intimate muscles), oral-manual caresses.
It is important to understand that sex brings you closer together. This is the unity of bodies, feelings, emotions. Greater intimacy can hardly be felt.
No words convey emotions and feelings in sex. Sex also reconciles: if you quarrel in the morning, you make up in the evening.
Advice for loving wives
Most women are endowed with worldly wisdom, regardless of age. They intuitively feel who will be comfortable with and who will bring a huge load of problems. They will not wonder whether a husband can cheat if he loves his wife, but will try to reduce the risk of third-party affairs to a minimum.
Following a few rules will help preserve the family unit.
- Unconditional love that does not require response or reward is held in high esteem.
- Do not make categorical claims, but try to establish a dialogue and come to a compromise.
- In addition to common interests, you need to have your own, do interesting things and constantly maintain a slight intrigue in communication.
Instead of dull everyday life, you will get a constant desire to understand the inner world and interests of your partner, and this is much more exciting than the usual course of events.
Communication Compensation
I meet men who want attention, warmth, love, to be seen as a man, a person, and not just a father and husband who must buy groceries according to the list and pick up the children on a schedule and screw in the light bulb.
Of course this is important! But at least once listen carefully to your man. Just listen to how it was on the first dates. Even if you think you know everything about him, he has something going on every day.
Even if he says something absurd or nonsense, let him say it, don’t comment harshly, don’t criticize, don’t devalue him. Everyone has the right to fool around.
Sometimes it's a way to get your attention. Ask your man what would he like? What is he missing? If he found something in another woman, then it is not in you or you have stopped giving it to him. Often this can be a banal feeling of being a person who is interesting to a woman.
A person who is admired, thanked, so much so that “it would not have been possible without him.” A person who is listened to with an open mouth.
The task of each of us is to look at the object of a man’s passion and ask the question what is it about her that captivates her.
Honestly admit to yourself, “Am I giving this?” and ask yourself, “How can I give what another woman is passionate about?” It's important to understand: you can too. And you have more advantages than the other, since you also know your man. They just stopped showing it.
Here you need to return to the state in which you gave your man what he needed (otherwise he would not be with you).
Remember the period when you first met. This is not only an external manifestation, it is your internal state, it is energy that is realized from the inside out.
Myths about male psychology and men
A woman often sets herself up for betrayal if she accepts legends about male sexuality. What you expect is what you get. Let's figure out what stories about men prevent a woman from adequately dealing with reality.
- "Men think about sex every 20 seconds."
I asked the men. They think about anything. About work, about children, about food, about news on the Internet, about politics. Do you really think that if only sex was in a man’s head, they would be able to keep other topics in mind?
- “All men are males, they are all polygamous by nature, they need to reproduce.”
First of all, everyone has a different libido. That is, the need for sex can be increased, normal, or even decreased. Sexologists have been sounding the alarm lately, because even teenagers nowadays are not always able to enter into intimate relationships. Although nature itself ordered someone, including teenagers, to strive for intimacy. I would like to - yes. But there is no time, no strength, no one to go with. In the world of information, the load on the mind is much greater than on the body. No matter how much the body wants, if the head gets in the way, it won’t work.
Secondly, the reasons for betrayal are extremely rarely related to the desire to reproduce. Rather, with the desire to relax, receive support or pleasure.
- “If the female wants, the male will jump up”
If a woman wants to seduce a man, she will achieve her goal. Deception, flattery, manipulation. Resistance is futile!
Are you seriously? If this were true, matriarchy would have reigned in the world long ago! Cunning women often conquered powerless men. Of course, if a woman wants to get sex from a man, she is capable of going all the way. But a man is not a Cheburashka, he has rights. In my practice, there were situations when a man in a client’s chair asked: “How can I gently send a girl off? She so diligently unbuttons the buttons on her blouse when she comes up to talk to me,” or “I can really see that she’s looking for a meeting. But I don’t need it"
The key here is: “I don’t need this!” Note, not “you can’t”, but “you shouldn’t”.
Fashion for polygamy
In some circles, infidelity is a trend, an indicator of solidity and prestige to have both a wife and a mistress.
One client told me: “I don’t have the strength for both of them, my wife and I feel good, but the status obliges me.” Between their partners and friends, such men feel insecure without their mistresses.
For them, this is an indicator of wealth - to provide for their family and mistresses. When we choose men of a certain circle as companions, we need to understand that behind their achievements there may be, among other things, complexes.
They “dictated” to follow certain rules. Mistress is one of the rules. So they follow.
What does a man want from cheating?
I repeat - all people are different. The ones given here are based on counseling practice. This practice shows that it is impossible to predict 100%. However, if you know in advance “how it happens,” it will be easier for you to avoid common mistakes (you can read about them in the book How to Avoid Hurtful Mistakes in Marriage. At this link you can even access a fragment of the book for free)
A man wants to forget
Just don't think about anything. Live “for yourself”.
A man wants to feel like a man
Feel that he is a man. And not the one who was “ripped off” by his wife yesterday for leaving a trash can at home.
A man wants sex
Just like that - sex. When you don't need to persuade. Yes, of course, a mistress does not immediately “jump into bed.” But with a mistress it turns out to be a game. But with your wife, sex must be “earned.” So it’s not a game, but a “service”?
A man wants to live
To know that there is more than just everyday work. “Butterflies in the stomach” don’t just happen to teenagers.
It's a shame to read these lines, isn't it? After all, the wife also wants to forget herself, to feel like a woman, to feel the “butterflies”. I also want fabulous sex.
It turns out that the aspirations of the spouses are similar. But it’s impossible to say them out loud. It's a shame, it's a shame. These are the costs of our culture. We are used to thinking that once we have had a wedding, we have to endure the problems! Enduring is not the solution.
Cheating in itself is not a problem. Yes, it is difficult to answer the question “Why do men cheat?” You can read my version of the answer in the article of the same name Why men cheat But cheating is always only a symptom of the problem. It shows that there has been no mutual understanding between husband and wife for a long time. Or maybe he didn’t exist. But in any case, this is not a reason for betrayal. If you suspect that your man is cheating, read this article. I suspect my husband of cheating - what to do?
For love
A man can fall in love with another woman. However, he does not dare to leave his family. Also, being in a long-term relationship, a man may also not dare to break it off.
In a good way, and in fairness, in such a situation you need to break off the relationship and enter into a new one.
Neither promises to be together nor children can rid a man of his feelings. He deceives himself (primarily), his wife and his mistress.
If a man stays, then his wife (or girlfriend) can psychologically act as a mother, and his beloved as a woman.
And here is a question for the “female half”: how to distribute the roles and who will they suit? Such a model has a right to exist. The spouse receives a family and acts as a wife, solving household chores, and as a mother for children, the other woman is a lover. Everyone is happy and everyone gets what they want.
What to do
It is impossible to justify betrayal, but it can always be explained. And whatever the factors, reasons, conditions, hidden needs, by and large, betrayal reflects a person’s values and beliefs and attitude towards his partner. If you respect, love, appreciate the one who is nearby, and there is a strong belief in your head that marriage and betrayal are incompatible, then you will not cheat under any circumstances. Even while drunk or being far from your spouse (these are the most popular excuses).
There are two options: forgive the betrayal, understand and eliminate its cause, or break up. If you decide that you can forgive, then be sure to consult a psychologist. It is important to really forgive, to do everything so that you never remind your spouse of this, and the memory itself does not affect you from the inside. You cannot forget betrayal, but you can understand it and accept it if you see the reason, the share of your responsibility, and work on your mistakes.
However, this is not always acceptable. First, remember your pride, personal boundaries, self-respect, and beliefs. If betrayal does not fit into your worldview in any way, and your spouse knew about it, then you need to keep your word, maintain boundaries, and leave. This situation is similar to assault: hit once, the wife endured, the husband will hit again and again. You need to immediately stop what is unacceptable for you.
Secondly, do not allow the person to cheat again and again: return to a warm and cozy home, be forgiven and cheat again. This is the victim scenario, or the Karpman triangle - personal psychological problems of both husband and wife, requiring deep study by a psychoanalyst and correction of relationships.
The victim scenario is also the reason for betrayal. This is a specific mindset that makes people play Victim, Tyrant and Deliverer. Read more about this in the article “The role of the victim in relationships: what is it in psychology. How and why one becomes a victim, how to get rid of the victim role.”
I'm cheating on myself
Interesting! Is it true? How often do we cheat on ourselves? How often do we do what we don’t want, follow others’ lead, block our desires in the name of other people’s “wants” and “shoulds”?
They don't love us because we don't love ourselves. We are betrayed because we betray ourselves.
They don't hear us because we don't hear ourselves. Take a piece of paper and write (preferably with your left hand):
- I cheated on myself in...
- I keep cheating on myself...
- I'm cheating on myself in...
At the end of the letter, ask yourself for forgiveness for your own betrayals. And promise yourself to find a way to avoid them.
She gives all her time to the child
If a child appears in your family, then the mother will spend a lot of time only with him at first.
How does a baby affect your sex life?:
- These are constant screams at night that will not allow you to rest together.
- This is caring for the baby, diapering, breastfeeding.
- A woman after childbirth cannot make love.
- Sometimes, when the baby sucks milk from the mother, some women find breastfeeding a lot of pleasure. And the wife no longer wants to spend time in bed with her husband.
Hence, as a rule, life in bed in your family fades into the background.
The husband finds no other way out than to extinguish his passion together with his mistress.
In this case, the psychology is that husbands cheat on their wives and want more at night, but they do not want to leave their family and child.
To create jealousy or for revenge
Some men are very jealous. They may be motivated by selfish motives for cheating.
That is, even because of a simple feeling of envy or a feeling of inferiority, the husband wants to make his wife jealous.
Another reason could be that the wife spent time with the wrong people or cheated on him at some point.
Then the man will want to fill the hole in his self-esteem and stroke his pride on the side, taking revenge on his wife.
For example, he sees his wife communicating and flirting with other men at some holiday.
Her husband is often jealous of all men in a row.
He remembers all this and is looking for a mistress so that now they will be jealous of him .
Selfish motives
The desire to prove to myself and friends “what a cool lover I am”
The reasons for a husband’s infidelity may be the following selfish motives:
- Stretch your ego, feel superior . Read more about ego and selfishness in detail on the next page at the link.
- Satisfy your libido.
- From early childhood there was a lack of female attention. And now, when the man learned that attention could always be had, all he had to do was do something, the man ventures into the unknown.
- Because of the desire to assert himself in front of his friends , to gain their approval, so that they would tell him: “Wow! Probably fried?! Wow, man!
- He wants to prove to himself that he is capable of possessing other women. After all, this had never been possible for him before.
- My husband's friends are bachelors and they always have something to tell about their adventures. The husband also decided that it was time to show off something and went to the left. That is, the reason is to brag to friends.
Everything is bad in bed, dissatisfaction
Some women are not yet fully aware of their femininity and attractiveness.
Your marital games in bed may not satisfy your partner.
Not all women are skilled in bed for the following reasons::
- The wife is very young and not so experienced .
- Some girls are very uptight and do not know how to express their passion and love at night.
- Lack of education and limitations in knowledge.
- Not all wives want to accept their men's fantasies . A man by nature loves to make his extreme fantasies come true. Some people completely refuse to experiment.
If a man has tried this and that, but it doesn’t change or add variety in bed, out of desperation he may find himself a mistress.
Or even just find a walking girl for one night.
After all, if a wife is very bad in bed , a man can find a girl who is simply better in many ways.
The husband can find that girl on the side who makes him just blow his mind in bed. He will secretly admire her and not tell you.
About a different smell
Not all men know that the wife always recognizes the smell of another woman . Even if her husband took a shower or put on perfume, she intuitively understands and feels everything. The man suspects nothing, but the woman digs into her head and keeps wondering: “Why do guys cheat on their girls?”
And the husband may still naively believe that everything is under control and he is in control of the situation. He does not even suspect that his wife recognized the smell of another.
When is it worth leaving him for good?
Staying together makes no sense if:
- Treason is systematic. Promiscuity in casual relationships can result in serious consequences for both partners.
- The man shows complete disrespect and disregard for his companion, humiliates, insults (especially in the presence of children). “Holding on” to this is definitely not worth it.
- Relationships have long become formal: there is no love and mutual understanding in the family.
Important! Many couples continue to stay together for the sake of their children. However, it is difficult to deceive a child; he feels everything on a subconscious level. The inability of parents to find a common language has a detrimental effect on education. The result can be hyperactivity and nervous disorders.
Family life is like a good house that takes many years to build brick by brick. If you love each other, think many times before you decide to take a rash step. It is much easier to destroy than to create. When a man has cheated and the relationship has developed a “crack,” try to “fix” it, if possible and makes sense . If there is no way back, a civilized separation while maintaining respect for each other will be a chance for a new, happier life for the former spouses.
