Often, even in a cloudless family life, periods of crisis occur, when until recently the people closest to each other move away and become strangers. Cheating is that very moment of crisis that not all couples can survive.
Partners perceive the news of adultery differently. Some consider it a personal defeat and insult, others begin to take revenge, not realizing that there will be no winners in this “war”. So why is this happening? What are the reasons for betrayal that comes as a complete surprise to your partner? Is it possible to avoid infidelity and how to protect yourself from it? FAN journalist asked these questions to psychologist and family relationship coach Elena Gamayun .
Photo from the personal archive of Elena Gamayun /
Physical and moral betrayal
Psychologists distinguish between physical and moral betrayal. Although some of their clients only accept the first option. And some understand by adultery exclusively a combination of the carnal and spiritual sides. In the first case, we are talking about sexual intercourse outside of a relationship. This could be an isolated incident or a short fling. But in fact, a second family can develop.
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The second type is much more sophisticated, and therefore brings much more suffering to the spouses. Moral betrayal is a special relationship. In this case, participants often remain faithful to their partners. However, their communication is deeply intimate. They are teetering on the brink of physical betrayal. But they don’t cross it, but share intimate details, plans and experiences.
Individual reasons
There are a huge number of individual factors that incline or stop a person on the path to treason. But perhaps the most common of them are the following:
- Floor. Whether we like it or not, men are indeed more likely to cheat than women, mainly because the former have more testosterone, which is responsible for a strong desire to have sex.
- Personality. Less conscientious people with less than pleasant personalities are more likely to cheat than people with high personal qualities. Have you ever wanted to understand what you are like? Try to honestly look at your cheating history...
- Religiosity and political orientation. Very religious people and people with conservative political orientations are less likely to cheat because they have more rigid values.
How to forgive
In a relationship where cheating has occurred, everything either starts all over again or ends forever. For some very principled people, this is a betrayal. But living with a traitor under the same roof and building a family is very difficult, almost impossible.
In order to continue your relationship with your husband or wife after cheating, you must first forgive your loved one. Yes, for many it is difficult and almost impossible, but it is necessary. Otherwise the relationship will end.
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By the way, spouses can live separately for some time in order to feel how important and necessary they are to each other. This is necessary in such a difficult situation. After time has passed, you can think about how to forgive the person. To continue with him or not. After all, as time passes, there will be no more acute resentment, and it is possible that the relationship will improve again.
A person should be given a second chance only if he himself wants it. If a man leaves and does not want to return, then the woman needs to let him go and forget. And the main thing is to forgive and build your life further without him.
Why do women cheat in marriage?
The reasons for a wife's betrayal also lie in dissatisfaction with the marriage, relationship with her husband, and lack of love and affection. A woman may want to strive to change something in her life, thus taking out her resentment on her husband, “response in kind” if she became aware of her husband’s adultery. With a relationship on the side, they may seek to cover the feeling of emotional emptiness or the desire to again feel beautiful, desirable, sexy. If these emotions are not present in a marriage, conditions for betrayal arise.
However, even in these cases, not every woman decides to take the “crooked path.” Experts believe that female infidelity usually requires very compelling reasons. If a man is looking for intense passions and new sensations, a woman usually strives for change. Therefore, she can endure emotional detachment from her husband for a long time, hoping that one day everything will change. May find satisfaction in raising children or doing household things. And only when the cup of patience is completely overflowing can the wife decide to take this step.
“In 80% of cases, a wife cheats when she is offended by her husband,” continues Elena Gamayun. — Or the husband is on a long business trip, and the wife simply cannot stand his absence. But it also happens that a girl is looking for a hobby on the side, because she loves adventure and enjoys taking risks. In this case, betrayal for her becomes one of the factors in the rise of adrenaline.”
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Position of science
From the point of view of neuroscience, love, affection, the desire for sex with only one partner is determined solely by the work of neurotransmitters in our brain. The main one is dopamine, a neurotransmitter involved in the formation of addictions. When partners experience joy from each other’s company, which is usually observed in the “candy-bouquet period,” the level of dopamine tends to the maximum. And sex with a loved one is perceived by the brain as a reward. And since everyone loves awards, interest in their spouse is maintained high.
But over time, changes occur in relationships. We begin to see our partner no longer “through rose-colored glasses,” but with his mistakes and behavior and actions that are not always pleasant to us. The “magical” effect of dopamine decreases, passion subsides. And since not all partners are ready to constantly maintain this “fire” in a relationship, the brain can “tell” you to look for pleasure on the side.
Another neurotransmitter that is important in relationships is oxytocin, called the bonding hormone. It is its sharp release after childbirth that forms the almost instantaneous attachment of a mother to her baby. It also influences the relationship between men and women, as it creates an invisible connection between them. Oxytocin is produced in response to physical contact: kissing, hugging, sex. And the more frequent and close this contact is, the stronger the “oxytocin threads” connecting the spouses will be. If there is no cuddling and regular sex, attraction and attachment will naturally wane and go away.
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Statistics on marital infidelity
There are no official statistics on the number of adulterous affairs. It does not exist either in Russia or in the world. In 2021, BBC journalists decided to rectify the situation by conducting a large-scale anonymous survey of men and women aged 30-40. Respondents were asked two questions: have they ever cheated on their partners and do they expect their significant other to cheat? The survey revealed some interesting things.
Firstly, that most people, of course, do not expect cheating. 95% of respondents expressed confidence in their partner’s fidelity. And secondly, the frequency of adultery turned out to be much higher than is commonly believed. 70% of men and 65% of women admitted that they had cheated on their partner at least once.
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Despite the “impressive” numbers, according to the researchers, these results should not be interpreted as definitive proof of the fickleness of human nature. After all, as practice shows, people perceive the concept of betrayal differently.
For a woman, this is not only the physical intimacy of a partner with another woman. A spouse may accuse her husband of cheating if he chats with someone on social networks or pays too much attention to his “friend” at a party. At the same time, a woman may consider herself guilty before her husband if she began to communicate too closely, “mentally” with another man, for example, at work. Despite the fact that there was no physical contact, it is common for many women to scold themselves and feel shame only for close emotional intimacy and passion for someone other than their husband.
Men are more conservative in this regard. As a rule, they call cheating exclusively physical contact with another woman, while light flirting, correspondence on social networks and even open flirtations with office employees and the wife’s friends are not considered adultery.
“Most often, women who are faced with the problem of men cheating come to see me,” comments psychologist and coach Elena Gamayun. “Therefore, despite the fact that there are no official statistics on this issue, from my own experience I can say that men still cheat more often.”
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How to avoid betrayal: advice from a psychologist
To prevent betrayal from entering your life, or at least to minimize its likelihood:
- family life is work and more work.
- since it is too likely that your partner will begin to speculate on the situation and accuse you of cheating.
If the “worst” has already happened, contact a professional, he will help you understand the situation. There is no need to take it to the point of absurdity.
But there is always a possibility that a person will cheat because that’s the way he is designed, and he has corresponding views on life.
“I felt that I was not loved. And she was ready to do anything to compensate for this."
Polina, 29 years old
At first, Anton and I lived like in a fairy tale. We were overwhelmed with feelings. I still get goosebumps when I remember it. The most vibrant relationship in my life, a volcano of passions, like in an Italian family. But then the skeletons in the closet were revealed. Both of us.
Everything changed six months after we started dating. Anton lost interest, conversations became insipid, sex became rare. And more and more it seemed that this was torture for him. It was strange, considering that for the first months we had sex everywhere we could and in a variety of ways.
