"We cannot survive on our own"
“Inner reality is very complicated. We are all complex people. And besides those complexities that we can understand, there are things that we ourselves cannot understand. For this we need another, a person who would listen to us, as if returning to us what we say. I would ask: “Did I understand you?” You begin to say: “No, that’s not entirely true,” you clarify something - and this way you understand yourself better. This is inherent in our development; we cannot survive on our own,” explains Lyubov Ternevskaya.
When asked about which cases from practice she remembers and which influenced her decision to become an emergency psychologist, she tells me about the guy on the roof and the man who fell in love.
“A twenty-year-old boy stood on the roof and threatened to throw himself. We somehow started a conversation. It turned out that he was very offended by his parents and wanted to take revenge on them like this. I managed to redirect this hatred, which he was going to direct towards himself, towards his parents. I managed to explain that he could hate them and quarrel with them. It was as if he had no right to do this.
Lyubov TernevskayaPhoto: Stanislava Novgorodtseva for TD
From birth, the mother, as they say, mirrors the child - he begins to understand what is happening to him. It gives meaning to his experience, feeling, mood. Further, growing up, we need a person who will reflect us. Because in our experiences we ourselves go in circles. Moreover, there are things that we ourselves are not able to understand. The inner world of a person is very complex, but fascinating.
Or, for example, a fifteen-year-old boy called. He had a love tragedy: his girlfriend left him. And at some point, while we were talking, he asked me: “What does it mean to be a man?” And I felt incredible responsibility at that moment. And she asked if this meant that there was no man in his circle who could explain this. He replied that there was an uncle who said: “Well, forget it.” And I gathered all my courage and talked to him.”
Meaning for life
Lyubov Ternevskaya graduated from the history department and after some time worked in a school, and then in a construction industry.
Twelve and a half years ago, together with her classmates at the Faculty of Psychology, Ternevskaya came to the emergency psychological assistance department and began working on the phone. Adaptation, she said, took two years. Then she began to feel more confident and, at the same time, she was constantly studying and receiving therapeutic education. First it was psychodrama, then existential analysis, clinical retraining and then psychoanalysis.
After some time, Ternevskaya was appointed head of the emergency room shift, and two years ago she became head of the department.
Lyubov TernevskayaPhoto: Stanislava Novgorodtseva for TD
Service employees work twelve-hour shifts; a consultation with one person can last an hour, except in severe cases. The service now employs 47 people, and an emergency psychological assistance department has recently been added. In “peacetime” they also provide consultations by phone, and in emergency situations they go to airports and hospitals.
“I manage this entire department and also consult because it is very important to me. It's a difficult job. You can never know everything completely. It is very difficult to understand a person. It requires a lot of effort and expense. And you need to maintain interest in the profession. Your hearing changes, you use a completely different intellectual apparatus to understand. It can be very difficult here, but it’s never boring.
When we talk to someone on friendly terms and give some advice, it is as if we are abandoning the person. We say: “Well, do this and it will be fine, go to this doctor or another.” In everyday life, we cannot withstand intense experiences, we brush them off a little. It’s hard for us, and we give advice to stop it,” says Ternevskaya. — When people call us, they expect that they will be listened to and not “refused with advice.” Although they formulate what they need exactly like that. But this is a figure of speech: “Give me advice.”
They expect that they will not be judged and that they will be able to say the most unpleasant and indecent things about themselves. That they will not be abandoned or rushed, that they will be helped to think about themselves, in a sense, to maintain themselves.”
Man challenges
Number 051 is often called by people with suicidal intentions. In this case, the night shift must make a decision - talk to the person again or, if he somehow disagrees, is drunk or says: “I’ll kill myself anyway,” call 112 (the single emergency number). Previously, emergency workers called an ambulance and the police. When there was no 112, they tried by all means to find out the address from the caller. They said: “You can’t be alone now.” They said that yes, we understand that an emergency room and a psychiatric hospital are not the best place, but it’s better this way. And some even asked themselves: “Call me someone, pick me up, I can’t do it alone now, let someone take care of me.”
“As a rule, if a person called and said that he does not want to live, this means that he wants to live. He just doesn't want to live like that. And challenges. It’s as if he wants to end what is so hard for him. And if he still calls, it means that there is hope,” says Lyubov Alexandrovna.
In such cases, according to her, you need to help the consultant himself - just stand next to him.
Lyubov Ternevskaya at workPhoto: Stanislav Novgorodtseva for TD
“There were times when it was very difficult for me. This is when you are devalued or you are unable to talk or help. You begin to think that you are some kind of bad psychologist, that you are in vain in this profession and, maybe, do something simpler. Then I communicate with the supervisor and experience it. As a rule, it’s enough to cope.”
Service employees undergo both individual and group supervision, when they can share with each other and talk about difficult cases. And yet, psychologists who work on the phone often burn out and go into private counseling.
Phone 051 is free and confidential. Therefore, mentally ill people often call the emergency room.
“The problem is that they call constantly and they have no progress. People just need communication. Many of them are very heavy. I say “heavy” because they exploit the psyche of the other. Any not very healthy psyche exploits a healthy one. People who feel anger towards this world will blame the consultant and will take advantage of the fact that he cannot answer sharply and be polite. In order to cope with this, you need to constantly develop yourself in the profession. So that you don’t treat this as torment, but be interested in why the psyche is structured this way, where such pathology comes from, why there are distortions, how to work with them and how best to help.”
What to do if you don’t want to live - advice from a psychologist
First of all, the individual who has asked this question is recommended to try to understand the events taking place. Analyzing the situation helps you make the right decision, plan specific strategic actions, and helps to slightly distract yourself from depressing thoughts.
In addition, it is necessary to distinguish between depressive moods or banal melancholy, which falls within the boundaries of normality, from real depression. You can overcome despondency and melancholy on your own, but a depressive state needs professional correction.
If a person is faced with the question: “what to do if you don’t want to live anymore,” you should not drive such thoughts away from yourself, considering them shameful or unacceptable. The problem does not cease to exist and have a detrimental effect if a person pretends that it does not exist. It is at the stage when an individual begins to think about the need for further existence that he so urgently needs help.
It often happens that the subject of a depressive mood is so shameful and forbidden that the individual has to exist for years in a depressed state. Some cannot cope with the severity of the problems and find peace at the bottom of the bottle, while others attribute discouragement and apathy to fatigue from work, hiding the lack of aspirations behind responsibilities, justifying the lack of a normal intimate life with everyday problems. Such a trivial existence can continue for a long period until the individual one day realizes that he has long ceased to feel happiness. People, behind the everyday heap of problems, the intense rhythm of life, the endless pursuit of imaginary values, lose value guidelines, lose goals and understanding of the meaning of existence. They turn into robots that exist according to a program set by someone.
The mistake of most human subjects lies in the pattern of thinking. Many people follow their own path through life, but rather one imposed by society, their social environment, or their relatives. That’s why work doesn’t bring pleasure, my husband has long since grown tired of me, and my children have become annoying.
Therefore, first of all, you need to reconsider your life goals, your own pastime, understand what really brings pleasure, gives joy and illuminates with happiness. When an individual completely loses interest in his own existence, loses social activity and becomes apathetic towards everything, he should immediately visit a psychologist.
If an individual plunges into a whirlpool of experiences after a certain life situation, he must try to get out of this state on his own. Since inaction will lead to fixation on difficulties, which can plunge the subject into a depressive abyss.
The most common factor that causes melancholy is fixation on a certain unpleasant event. A constant whirlpool of problems scrolling through your head, conducting a silent internal conversation with a ghostly opponent, imagining the possible course of events if a specific negative situation had not occurred. With such thoughts, the individual independently drives himself deeper and deeper into depression. The inability to correct the event that happened, coupled with a passionate desire to change what is happening, will drive anyone to madness. Stopping it now is the main goal of a healthy psyche.
When everything that happens is so bad and the only question hauntingly haunts you is “what to do if you don’t want to live anymore,” you need to remember creativity. And there is no need to limit your own person in creative self-realization. Creativity is beneficial due to its variety of directions: playing music, drawing, modeling, embroidery, dancing, knitting. Every form of creative art brings with it peace. You can choose the most elementary direction, even if it is considered childish. The main condition is that the hobby gives joy and pleasure.
Art therapy not only helps to get rid of a depressive mood, but can also reveal a tendency towards a certain direction, which the individual himself had not previously suspected. The creative process will allow you to relax, forget about sorrows, and learn new things. A huge advantage of the described method is the opportunity to please loved ones with a souvenir of your own making. But the happiness of a loved one will not leave anyone indifferent.
If the rhythm of life allows, then it is recommended to take a time out. You can go on vacation or take a couple of days off, go to your homeland, to the mountains, exclude all noisy parties, devote this time exclusively to yourself, without allowing yourself to be burdened with problems.
"You know, I'm fine"
The service's consultants present themselves as "emergency psychological assistance." And callers, according to Ternevskaya, sometimes ask: “Is it okay that I don’t have an emergency situation?” or: “Will you talk to me even if nothing like this happened to me?” They often start like this: “You know, everything is fine with me, I have a husband and a child,” “I make good money,” “Everything is fine with me, but for some reason I feel bad.”
“In life you always experience something difficult and difficult. This does not mean that something special is happening in it; external events can be completely ordinary. But from time to time we all experience difficult conditions associated, for example, with our disappointments in ourselves. Or with the loss of hopes, our plans. These are micro losses. And our task here is not to give up this experience.
Lyubov TernevskayaPhoto: Stanislava Novgorodtseva for TD
When people suddenly feel restless or sad, they say to themselves: “I need to have fun, I need to go meet my friends. This melancholy is some kind of stupidity, a misunderstanding.” And they throw it away,” Ternevskaya continues. — Usually we hear: “Get it out of your head,” “Let’s go have fun,” “You need to go on vacation.” So, you don’t need to do all this. You just have to experience it—walk with this experience. Look sad, sad, even angry. And think at this moment. Part with, perhaps, your expectations and self-images as well. Because when we part, they become a thing of the past. And you can continue to live, forgive yourself and others. But if I don’t do this, I don’t want to worry about something that makes me ashamed or disgusted, and if I don’t worry, but, for example, drink something, then it goes deep and doesn’t go away. And then sometimes the taste for life disappears. Because this taste can be bitter. It is not true that life should only be good. It should be different and complete. This is what people are fighting for - to experience it more deeply, to experience different states.”
I feel bad. What to do?
1. Write down on paper what you feel. Spit out your emotions on a clean sheet of paper! 2. Listen to your favorite music, but only that which evokes a positive response. Songs about unhappy love or hard rock will only worsen the condition. 3. Read! The gospel that heals the soul. Books on psychology. Poems, you can even read them out loud, loudly, with expression. Biographies of great people who suffered from despondency, but continued to live with dignity: for example, Dostoevsky. 4. Maintain a sleep schedule, no matter what. Sometimes, to feel much better, you just need to get some sleep, and the world immediately appears in a different light. 5. Avoid loneliness, especially if thoughts are spinning in your head: “I feel very bad, I want to die, I need to commit suicide,” etc. If there is no one at home, just go outside, go to a cafe, a store, or sit on a bench with your grandmothers. Call your family or a crisis hotline, even if you don't really know what to say. 6. Pray. Address the Almighty in your own words, out loud, as best you can. Ask for help, tell us about what is tormenting you. If you want, cry. Repent of your sins with all your heart, and your soul will immediately become light. God's forgiveness and grace will help you get through this difficult period.
These promises of the Lord are recorded in the Bible.
7. Sing and dance when no one sees or hears you. Even if you don't know how. Just lock yourself in a room, turn on the music and pour out your pain in your body movements and in the sounds of your voice! If you're embarrassed by your neighbors, sing while driving. 8. Don't forget to eat well! 9. Provide yourself with daily physical activity, even if you don’t have the strength or desire. An hour's walk before bed at a brisk pace, weeding the garden or flower bed in front of the entrance, visiting the gym or swimming pool. The main thing is to get your heart rate up and your muscles to get a workout. Then natural endorphins – “hormones of happiness” – will be produced in the blood. 10. Don't let guilt get the better of you. Many depressions are characterized by the fact that a person endlessly blames himself for everything - for example, laziness. At the same time, he becomes so disappointed that he remains in bed and does nothing around the house. This gives rise to an even greater feeling of guilt - it turns out to be a vicious circle. Just take one specific step - get up when your alarm clock rings. Don't demand much from yourself, start small, but be consistent in this. For example, sweep the floor in the house - you don’t need to immediately plan a grandiose cleaning, even if everything is neglected. 11. Do something small, but unusual for you. Are you withdrawn into yourself? Say hi to a stranger on the street, chat with a fellow traveler on the bus, invite guests. Take part in an activity if you struggle with shyness. Go to the cinema, museum, theater, circus. You can do it alone - what's wrong with that? An unusual action will cause a surge of strength and belief that you are able to overcome problems. 12. Cleaning. For many, this type of activity becomes a real lifeline. “When I was very bad, I could hardly engage in mental activity and seemed stupid to myself. Then I took a leave from work and just started cleaning up the mess in my apartment, which was overgrown with dirt, every day. At the same time, at first I didn’t see any changes at all, but I decided not to give up what I had started - I threw out unnecessary trash, removed cobwebs, wiped off the dust, washed the windows, stove and plumbing. In the end I saw everything shining clean. It felt like, along with the dirt and trash, I had cleared my head of obsessive thoughts.” — a man who suffered from depression shares his experience. 13. Take on simple but constant work that you won’t be able to shirk. For example, get a dog - you will have to walk it and feed it. Break up the front garden - you will have to water and weed. Or promise your grandmother to come every other day and help her around the house. Even if you are sure that you will not be able to complete it, finish what you started - soon you will see how well you are doing, and this will give you a new impetus to get out of the blues. 14. Make a to-do list - a minimum for today and what you can do later if you have the strength. Cross off what you have accomplished, praise yourself even for small successes. Break large tasks into several small ones. 15. Do not take your negative thoughts for the truth - they are just a dark glass through which your mind is now looking at the surrounding reality, distorting it. 16. Stop drinking alcohol and even medications that contain it, especially if you are taking antidepressants. This can lead to irreversible consequences! 17. If you are tormented by thoughts of suicide, be sure to tell your doctor or loved one about it. There is nothing shameful in this, it is one of the manifestations of depression that needs to be treated.
