How to get rid of love addiction and find peace of mind - 5 steps from a psychologist

In this article I will tell you how to get rid of love addiction and find peace of mind. By love addiction I mean the feeling that just the presence of another person makes your life happy. Constant thoughts about him, especially when he is not around. The feeling that you cannot live without him, and that along with him all the joy will leave your life.

Also in the article I will tell you how, in general, to become an independent and full-fledged person, with an inner core, independent of other people.

If you finish reading this article, then I can congratulate you, because you will be one of the 5% of people who in our time have not yet forgotten how to finish reading. And then (weakly?) try to become one of the 5% of those who have finished reading - these are those rare specimens who, after reading, go through the suggested steps and radically change their lives.

How love addiction manifests itself

Before we understand how to get rid of love addiction and find peace of mind, let's figure out how and in what cases it manifests itself.

Dependence on another person is, first of all, frequent thoughts about him in his absence. He is not around, but you continue to give him your energy. A leaven is formed consisting of endless thoughts about the object of dependence. And as a result of constant thoughts, you may dream about it or come to you in your fantasies.

The fact is that when you think about a person, you seem to be with him, you have the illusion that he is nearby, because he is entirely in your thoughts, emotions, sensations. That’s why thoughts about him bring such pleasant masochistic pleasure. And I don’t want to say goodbye to this pleasure at all.

Love addiction can be acutely felt in several cases:

• During separation or after separation, both partners may suffer from addiction. After all, while you are together and you are both in love, energy circulates between you. You give and receive from each other. But as soon as separation or separation occurs, energy stops circulating. At the same time, if you still have feelings, this energy continues to be released inside you. But because it does not find a way out, you begin to suffer. This is a manifestation of addiction.

• Dependence on a man/woman can also manifest itself in unrequited love - one experiences acute dependence, and if a relationship develops in a couple, the other will begin to show rejection and reject the partner. At the same time, the addict’s rose-colored glasses are based on the idea that the partner does not completely abandon him, does not say the final “no.” And for an addict, this is an excellent reason to fantasize that he is needed, that someday he will be loved, that everything will definitely change for them, and they will be happy.

• Also, dependence on a person can happen when a person does not feel his own worth, is self-critical and lacks self-confidence. When he thinks deep down that on his own, without a partner, he is nothing. In this case, a strong attraction can form regardless of how the relationship with the partner goes - good or bad - and whether it exists at all.

If a person with such low self-esteem and strong attraction is in a relationship, then over time this will begin to cause a reverse reaction in his partner - a desire to move away and, possibly, separate. His attraction will wane. The addict will be attracted, and his partner will be repelled.

• Interdependence is an option in which dependent relationships can exist for many years and even a lifetime. At the same time, one partner considers himself small in the relationship, unworthy, insignificant (often unconsciously), considers himself only part of his object of dependence. Whereas the second partner, on the contrary, thinks of himself as a strong personality and perceives his loved one as part of himself.

Interdependents are often a victim and a tyrant or a victim and a narcissist. Such a couple is characterized by a sadomasochistic relationship, where one inflicts pain and the other suffers, experiencing unconscious pleasure from this. This method of communication can manifest itself in both sexual relationships and verbal communication. Moral or physical violence, humiliation and insults, manipulation and psychological pressure are frequent characteristic signs of such interdependence.

• And, finally, relationships can be interdependent, where two infantile people found each other and since then cannot live one without the other. Such couples like to wear the same clothes or have a common VKontakte page.

I listed the types of addictions that I encountered during my psychological practice. If you haven’t found your type of addiction here, write about it in the comments at the end of the article.

Features of addiction in young people, stages of development

In the formation of love addiction, several stages pass sequentially. In each of them, reverse development and painless separation are possible. The addiction itself can take on a perverted form - the loss of love develops into an attempt to preserve the passing feeling.

Psychologists highlight:

1. Feeling of eternal happiness. A lover lives in delight. Meetings bring indescribable emotional uplifts. You want to be with your loved one all the time, listen to him, look at him.
2. The need to increase the “dose” of love. There is a scarcity effect in relationships. The need for the experienced euphoria becomes more and more significant.
3. Conflict between reality and desires. After some time, the first shoots of disappointment appear in the soul. The ideal image gradually melts, contradictions and suffering ripen inside the soul.
4. Artificial creation of an ideal. Attempts to change the appearance and inner world of another person “to suit yourself” lead to complete disappointment. Guilt complexes, jealousy, and a subconscious desire to take revenge for their own problems develop inside the addict.

Few people realize that in this case we are talking about love addiction.

Why does a person become addicted?

As a rule, a person’s tendency towards any addiction develops in childhood. When faced with difficulties, unpleasant or even traumatic situations, the child makes a choice (usually unconsciously) to protect himself from this situation by withdrawing from reality. The psyche protects itself, offering a childish way to cope and survive it.

In childhood, this way of escaping reality can be games, books, films or food. In adolescence, drugs, cigarettes or alcohol may become involved.

A person often carries this way of the psyche to adapt to difficulties into adulthood. Although this does not solve the problem, it is rather a quick way to get away from it for a while, take care of yourself, and relax. But it is not at all easy for an addicted person to realize this.

A person who tends to escape from reality into dependence is often also prone to dependent relationships. If you look closely, the mechanism of dependent relationships is very similar to any other addiction - a person loses himself, loses his sense of reality. He becomes as if unable to notice himself and what is really happening now. Stops being objective and puts on rose-colored glasses.

Rose-colored glasses are the psyche’s way of protecting itself, justifying it, and leaving everything as it is. This is how you have learned to adapt to reality. You don’t have another way yet, you haven’t been trained in it. And therefore, if you suddenly abandon this habitual way of coping with problems, you may become depressed or even go crazy. This is exactly what rose-colored glasses are for - they do not allow you to quickly give up addiction. And if you have seriously made the decision to say goodbye to addictions and find a way to cope with problems in a healthy adult way, the glasses will gradually become thinner until they disappear completely, and over time you will begin to see reality for what it is.

It is advisable to do this slowly so that your psyche does not suffer. But cases are different, and perhaps someday we will discuss exceptions - quick and drastic, merciless deliverance from addictions. If you have such examples, share them in the comments.

Literature:

1. Peel, S. Love and addiction [Electronic resource]. - Moscow: IOI, 2005. - 384 p.
2. Love addiction. How to get out of unhealthy relationships / Alexander Nosov. — Moscow: AST, 2021. — 224 p.
3. When love hurts: how to distinguish love from addiction and get out of a toxic relationship / Sylvia Kongost; foreword by Irina Mlodik; [translated from Spanish by Valentina Ivanova]. - St. Petersburg [etc.]: Peter, 2021. - 252 p.

The text was checked by expert doctors: Head of the socio-psychological service of the Alkoklinik MC, psychologist Yu.P. Baranova, L.A. Serova, a psychiatrist-narcologist.

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How to get rid of love addiction and find peace of mind - examples

Addiction is the inability to see objective reality, to look the problem in the eye. I will give a vivid example from my psychological practice of how this can manifest itself in relationships.

• Elena is dating a married man – Vasily. Vasily promises her every week that he is about to leave his wife, and he and Elena will be happy together. Rose-colored glasses protect Elena from cruel reality: she does not notice that Vasily is doing his best to hide the fact of Elena’s existence from his wife. She doesn't pay attention to the fact that she has no right to call him herself. She also does not notice that only he can set the time and place of the meeting. She does not see that she is tied hand and foot in this relationship.

And even if Elena notices all this and gets angry, her brain still finds excuses for Vasily: “Apparently, this is necessary. He said that he didn’t want to hurt her. He'll tell you right after her birthday. He can’t delete her photo from his desktop, but she might suspect something. And we definitely need to wait for rain on Thursday so as not to hit her.”

The brain comes up with all these excuses in order not to traumatize Elena’s psyche. This is how the instinct of self-preservation works: in order to preserve the psyche, the brain adapts to the situation and creates the most comfortable conditions (thoughts) in order to leave everything as it is. This basic brain function was present in the very first people on earth. In those days, she saved a person from imminent death. The brain protected us from danger: “Don’t change anything, sit in this cave, don’t go far, there’s the unknown, you’ll freeze there, get stuck in a swamp, won’t find food, or you’ll be killed.”

At that time, this was really relevant, because death awaited at every turn. The brain did everything to leave a person in the so-called “comfort zone,” which essentially means “a place where one can survive, a place where it is safe.” And even if a person feels bad here, he is at least alive, and in the unknown there is a threat to his life.

Since those ancient times, the reality around us has changed a lot, but the firmware of the brain has remained the same. A person no longer lives in a cave and does not need a partner as much as air or water. But his brain still tightly protects him from any serious changes.

We can't do anything about the instinct of self-preservation, but we can learn to consciously live without addictions. After all, instinct is an unconscious thing. So how to get rid of love addiction and find peace of mind? How can you outwit your brain and learn to perceive reality consciously?

I present to you five specific steps, following which you will be able to get rid of love addiction and become a full-fledged, mature, psychologically healthy person.

When should you see a psychologist?

If you doubt your abilities or none of the available methods help you change your position as a dependent person, you should contact a professional.

You need to understand that in addictive behavior you are not living your life, that emotional addiction is not only a state of mind, but also a psychological disorder caused by dislike of oneself.

Addiction destroys people's lives and makes both the addict and his partner suffer. Moreover, if you do not solve the problem with drastic changes, then addictive behavior will accompany you throughout your life, and attempts to build healthy relationships will not be successful. It is necessary to regain self-respect and self-love; this is the only way to health and a new life.

To change the situation, you will have to work long and painstakingly on yourself. An experienced psychologist will help you identify the true causes of addictive behavior and correctly correct them. Remember, if you do nothing, the situation will only get worse.

The famous Roman philosopher Marcus Tulius Cicero said wonderful words with which we would like to end today’s conversation: “Happiest of all is the one who depends only on himself and sees everyone in himself alone.” Let's believe in ourselves, friends!

How to get rid of love addiction and find peace of mind - 5 steps from a psychologist:

Step #1: Focus

The lack of ability to notice oneself and the surrounding reality is the main problem of any addicted person. He tends to forget himself, fly away into fantasies or thoughts about the past, get lost in alcohol, food or another person, stop feeling reality as it is, and brighten it up with his fantasies.

Therefore, the first way to get rid of love addiction is the willingness to notice yourself and feel reality as it is. To feel, understand, feel, realize, admit to yourself - this is what any addict needs to learn.

Step #2: Fear of Life

One of the most important reasons for addiction is fear of life. A person, afraid of meeting himself and reality, runs away. In another. Into a relationship. Alcohol/food/drugs/TV series/books/games.

Fear of life refers to many different fears, for example, fear of contact, intimacy, the opposite sex, change. Due to the inability to cope with fear, a person, instead of solving the problem, chooses to escape from it into his (his chosen) addiction.

Thus, the second step to getting out of dependence on a man/woman is to stop being afraid of life. Learn to live as actively as possible. Express yourself to the fullest. Learn to live every day as if it were your last. Don't be afraid to go into maximum activity. Take each new day as a gift, and use this gift, and not put it away in a dusty closet for a rainy day.

I also made a video for you about what neurotic dependence is, how it differs from love, and how to get rid of it:

Step #3: Return to yourself

Love addiction is accompanied by a blurring of one’s own boundaries and those of a partner. The difficulty arises in understanding where my needs end and the needs of another begin. This fog that fills relationships creates tension and internal dissatisfaction. Addiction, controlling behavior, jealousy, insecurity, and fear of losing arise.

In order for you to learn to understand within yourself where you end and the other begins, so that you can get rid of love addiction and learn to build healthy relationships, I wrote for you the book “Into a happy relationship through self-love.”

After reading it, you will learn to distinguish your real desires from desires associated with the fear of losing your partner, learn to talk about your needs and defend them. By completing tasks in the book, you will become a complete person, complete on your own, in the absence of another person. You will learn to love yourself and stop acting dependently, you will communicate with your partner freely, without ingratiation, control and fear of being alone. This recovery from addiction will allow you to build healthy partnerships where everyone is whole in themselves, and builds a union simply for the sake of sharing the joy of their own life with another.

You can read the full description and reviews of the book by following the link.

Step #4: Processing the Trauma

Addiction is an attachment disorder that develops in early childhood. In most cases, the trauma is caused like this: the mother was physically absent, often abandoned or left for a long time. Also, the emotional absence of the mother can lead to trauma - when there is no sincere, spiritual involvement in the upbringing process. This leads to the fact that in adulthood a person develops a violation of attachment with all other people. For example, he may act distant, avoid most people, reject the need for intimacy, and appear self-sufficient and independent. And at the same time, become strongly attached to a partner or close friend. Today he can be cold and inaccessible, increasing the distance, and tomorrow he can cling like a bath leaf and be afraid of losing.

Processing attachment trauma on your own is difficult. I am a psychologist, and I conduct consultations via Skype, where I help solve pressing issues and improve the quality of life. The problem of dependencies is one of the main areas of my work. I invite you to my consultation to work through your traumas and get out of an addictive state. You can find out the cost and sign up using the link, and read reviews about me and my work here.

Step #5: Desires

The peculiarity of any addicted person is a loss of reality, an escape from it, an escape from oneself and the world around him, from the present moment. I know another powerful way to bring yourself back to yourself and be in touch with yourself. This method is about learning to understand who you are and what you really want. Find out what you want and start giving it to yourself. Fulfilling your own desires not only returns you to reality, but also relieves you of addiction due to the fact that you learn in a direct way, and not distorted, to give yourself those emotions that the object of your addiction used to give you.

By desires I mean everything that brings you joy and pleasure. You can read about how to learn to recognize your desires and achieve your goals here.

As you fulfill your own desires, you will gradually realize that you are now constructively receiving everything that previously you could only receive from another person. In the process of these realizations, your thoughts will be restructured. But you definitely need to combine this method with working on the others, otherwise it may take too much time and never bring results.

Features of addiction in adulthood

In people of the older generation, realistic components of love are added to the normal primary falling in love.

Emotional sensitivity is complemented by the needs::

• Receiving material benefits.
• Awareness of one's own importance against the backdrop of relationships.
• The joy of finding a like-minded person.
• The pleasure of being able to take care of your loved one.

Subsequently, love is cemented by the birth and raising of children, and mutual solving of problems. In this case, a harmonious feeling develops if the described qualities come from both.

But even in this situation, the development of pathological relationships is possible. After all, every individual has many negative traits. At the beginning of a nascent relationship, when attention is paid only to the good, these qualities fade into the background. Sooner or later they make themselves known. And then destruction may occur. Broken relationships create a divide between people. It begins to grow, and against this background, signs of love addiction appear in one or both people.

Feelings of normal life can be clouded::

• The emergence of jealousy.
• Increased demands on your loved one.
• The desire to fulfill only one’s will, without taking into account the opinion of the other half.
• Misunderstandings due to different cultural levels.

People with love addiction, without understanding the essence of their problem, can suffer for years. Unfortunately, many do not even imagine that in most cases a psychologist can remove their difficulty.