How to get rid of dependence on a person: advice from a psychologist

Love addiction (addiction)

– this is a state when a person experiences constant fear, uncertainty, horror at the thought that he may lose a loved one. Imagining separation, he falls into despondency, apathy and despair. Life without an object of dependence seems unbearable to him, and a real breakup can even lead to suicide.

In the article we will reveal the psychology of the addict, what types of addiction there are, its internal causes and how to get rid of it and treat it.

Important Strong dependence on a person manifests itself in total control, an unhealthy desire to always be close to a loved one and loss of self-control.

Psychological dependence: what is it and why does it occur?

Psychological dependence on another person is most often associated with raising a child and traumatic childhood experiences. Children always want to be in close contact with their parents, mainly their mother. If for some reason the mother cannot provide reliable healthy attachment, the child will begin to cling to her out of fear of losing her and will try to occupy all the parents’ free time.

As an addict grows up, he will transfer the experience of unhealthy attachment to his love relationships. The psychology of an unloved child gives rise to a strong desire to be nearby all the time, both physically and psychologically, to occupy the entire surrounding space of another person, and the fear of loss plunges into despair. Such people are obsessive, clingy, instantly blur boundaries, and literally tear themselves away from their loved one if necessary, to separate, even experiencing physical pain, they are not able to free themselves from the feelings that engulf them.

Here are the main factors leading to emotional dependence:

• low self-esteem;
• psychological complexes;
• childhood trauma;
• unrealistic fears and fantasies;
• non-adaptive types of upbringing in the parental family;
• disrespectful parental attitude towards the baby;
• high parental expectations that the little person could not meet;
• ridiculous ideas about love: Love is sharing everything in half, being always close, having common interests, thoughts and desires, etc.;
• the desire to merge with another, to become part of something larger;
• incorrect perception of one's own boundaries;
• a masochistic desire to be subjugated by someone;
• the desire to play the role of a child and relive childhood with a parent who will always be there this time.

Emotions and heredity

Previously, scientists believed that we express four basic primitive emotions, determined in each person by the structure of a special part of the midbrain called the amygdala. In initial testing, the researchers electrically stimulated the amygdala and observed the sensations or actions of various living organisms. In a more primitive sense it is aggression; subordination; fear or surprise; and acceptance, connection, or happiness. Nowadays, thanks to the progress of neurobiology, this model has evolved to include three more states in addition to the four named: surprise, disdain and disgust. It is not difficult to understand that surprise is associated with fear and that disdain or disgust can easily be associated with anger or aggression.

Many sources suggest that the subjective experiences unique to each individual include some combination or mixture of each of these primary emotions. Secondary emotions, or social ones, are created from primary ones, like mixing primary colors to obtain shades. These secondary emotions include embarrassment, jealousy, guilt, envy, pride, trust, shame, and many others.

It seems to me that feelings are created something like this: the neocortex reacts, feels or thinks, after which the midbrain produces neurochemical factors that then support or activate various regions and neural networks to produce both our unique and common sensations.

Sensations, you will remember, are the result of comparative experiences that we all have, thanks to our common environment and social conditions (our formation through learning and personal experience; that is, upbringing); short-term genetic properties inherited from parents (their ingrained emotional experiences; i.e. nature) and general long-term genetic properties (the human brain is structured in a similar way; therefore we share common universal tendencies; nature again).

Thus, this "software and hardware" of our body determines the perception of the environment and the behavior of all members of our species using relatively the same emotions. In this case, I do not intend to go into the subtleties between emotions, sensations, urges and sensory reactions; let's just agree that they are chemically activated states of mind and that emotions are nothing more than the end products of our personal experiences, both common and unique.

The battle of Maslenitsa and Lent (fragment). Pieter Bruegel. 1559

Why does a person become addicted?

Dependence on the person, reasons:

1. Due to the fact that the addict has poorly constructed personal boundaries and he does not realize where his personality ends and where another person begins, emotional dependence on the person develops. He does not understand where his desires and dreams are, and where others are. He considers everything he wants to be common; everything his loved one wants either appropriates or rejects.

The addict also feels bad about his body, he cannot refuse intimacy, say “no,” and he himself suffers greatly if he is refused. For him, any “no” is a terrible insult and rejection. The patient does not live his own life, but the life of his loved one, his own desires and aspirations are nothing more than a dream, and he considers merging with another to be the only reality.

2. Dependence on a loved one can also arise due to a serious illness or the loss of a loved one; death of a parent, especially at an early age. The person is so frightened and shocked by this grief that he devotes all his strength to maintaining a close connection with his new loved one. The psychology of the traumatized person forces one to quickly become attached and completely dissolve in another, in the illusory hope that this closeness will never end.

But the basis still remains the inability to hear and appreciate oneself, diffuse personal boundaries. Such a person is anxious and scared alone, he does not feel like a full-fledged person, and he feels life only in merging with someone. Deep down, he feels unworthy of attention and love, and therefore a constant companion of painful attachment is a terrible fear of loss. He interprets any negative sign as proof that he is not loved.

Individuals prone to pathological love attachment constantly live in fear and anxiety, because of this they stick to their partner more and more, it seems to them that if they are constantly nearby, catching every gesture, look and word of their loved one, this will protect them from breaking up .

Important The basis of any addiction is the desire to shift control and responsibility for one’s own life, which a person does not know what to do and will never learn to cope with.

Chemical revolution

For many years, it was believed that the brain sends electrical impulses along its complex network of circuits (which, if extended in a single line, would cover thousands of kilometers) to regulate various functions that allow us to act in the world around us. Now we are discovering that in addition to this electrical model based on neurons, axons, dendrites and neurotransmitters, the brain functions at another level.

Candace Perth speaks of this chemical brain as a second nervous system and points out our collective reluctance to accept such a model: “What has been especially difficult to accept is that this chemically based system is undoubtedly more ancient and basic to the body. Peptides such as endorphins are created inside cells long before the appearance of dendrites, axons, and even neurons—in fact, even before the appearance of the brain itself.” This may be a shocking revelation for you or prompt you to re-evaluate your existing knowledge. […]

First of all, it is important to understand that we are chemically conditioned beings. We are products of our biochemical activities, from the cellular level, where millions of millions of chemical reactions and processes occur while we breathe, digest food, fight germs, move, think and feel, to our moods, actions, beliefs, sensory perceptions, emotions, right down to experience and training. While behaviorists and other psychologists once debated whether heredity or the environment were primarily responsible for our behavior, new scientific research and discoveries have shifted the focus toward the chemical basis of emotions.

The battle of Maslenitsa and Lent (fragment). Pieter Bruegel. 1559

Types of human addiction and their signs

Emotional dependence on a loved one can be divided into several types, the basis of which will be the object of attachment. But you need to understand that a person prone to addiction can direct his attention to any object, at different times in his life. So, a woman can first dissolve in her husband, and then in her child, or in her family. Sometimes only long-term psychotherapy helps to free oneself from such life attitudes.

The result of any type of emotional dependence, which is also called psychological, is self-destruction. For some, this can lead to suicide or serious mental illness.

Love

One of the most common types. Its danger is manifested in the unlived life - the addict for the most part remains in illusions about possible dire consequences. At first, everything goes well - the lovers spend a lot of time together, fall out of their usual lives, forget about everything, cannot separate for a minute and cannot imagine life without each other. Gradually, the strong power of hormones weakens, and healthy people move to a new, stronger and calmer stage of relationships.

Partners who are in a healthy love relationship do not forbid a guy or girl from meeting with friends, allow them to travel and engage in hobbies and have their own lives outside of their relationship, and can calmly survive even a long separation. But dependent people cannot move to this stage; their partner’s attempts to have something for themselves are perceived by them as betrayal and evidence of dislike. Most often, women act as such sick partners in relation to men, but the male sex is also susceptible to this disease:

The main signs and symptoms of dependent feelings of women and men:

• relationships are impossible without moment-to-moment interaction;
• love relationships hurt, but their absence is a hundred times worse;
• jealousy is perceived as normal;
• the partner constantly blackmails with a break, when this stops working - suicide;
• The addict’s motto becomes the phrase “I won’t let you live without me!”

Attachment and fear complement each other. An addict lives with a constant feeling of anxiety, he is tormented by negative thoughts, he cannot and does not want to function without a loved one, the fear of loss leads to a stupor, but such a person refuses to recognize the developing love addiction, as well as to get rid of it.

Please note: The main difference between falling in love and addiction is the ability to be alone and enjoy this feeling.

Friendly

Everything that a friendship addict thinks, feels, dreams about, he immediately discusses with his friend. If he went on a business trip and there is no opportunity to communicate, the person feels emptiness and apathy. A person dependent on a friend behaves with him in the same way as a love addict with a lover: he is jealous of other people, gets irritated if it turns out that the friend did not tell something about himself, even if he simply did not have time to share, and considers the other person his property. If he finds out that a friend is spending time with someone else or has met and become friends with a new person, then he is overcome with intense anger, resentment, devastation, and a feeling of being betrayed.

Parental

Parents, more often mothers, spend almost all their time with the baby, caring for and controlling him. But with each new skill of the child, with each passing month and year, control should weaken. Normally, by adolescence, a person should become practically autonomous. But dependent parents do not give their child freedom at the age of three, five or fifteen. They want to completely control their child, they dissolve in him and expect the same from the baby.

While the child is small, this idyll is possible, but with age, he begins to demand autonomy, shows his own will, demands to be freed from control and checks, and truly Shakespearean dramas unfold in families. Usually it all ends with blackmail of adult children: manipulation of the disease; demonstratively calling an ambulance, etc. Those who have more strength and perseverance until the end keep the child on a moral, financial, property leash, sabotage all attempts to become independent.

Often such mothers grow up from girls who did not receive additional love in childhood from their own mothers. On the one hand, they want their child to receive everything that they did not have, and on the other hand, they enjoy the newfound power: the little girl could not keep her mother close, but she can keep her own child. And he holds it.

What does this type of education lead to?

• children, even grown ones, are unable to make independent decisions;
• do not have the courage to stand up for themselves;
• cannot build boundaries;
• live with a constant feeling of anxiety;
• cannot cope with even a small difficulty;
• experience serious problems in interpersonal communication;
• in any dangerous situation they fall into a state of panic;
• They do not know how to fight and cope with stress.

Long-term and targeted psychotherapy can help grown children cope with the problem of insecurity.

Who to contact for help

As with other addictions, it is not always possible to cope with strong emotional attachment on your own. In this case, it is better to contact a professional. Psychologists and psychotherapists usually work with non-chemical addictions. The mechanism of addiction is the same in most cases. Very often, people who get rid of one addiction switch to another. Therefore, the principle of working with all pathological attachments is based on the same principles. How to get rid of emotional dependence on a woman or man? It is necessary to find out why exactly the addiction was formed. During sessions with a psychotherapist, the specialist studies in detail situations from childhood and later life that could contribute to the development of emotional dependence.

To combat addiction in different situations, psychologists recommend different things: in some cases, it is better to quickly break off relations with the object of addiction, especially if the situation threatens the life or health of the patient. In other cases, it is easier to remain in a dependent relationship, but gradually begin to build a platform for a new life. The main work, as usual, is carried out not in consultations with a specialist, but in everyday life. An addicted person will have to rebuild his entire life and form an independent “I” in order to get rid of the addiction. What is usually included in a standard emotional addiction recovery plan?

• Recognizing yourself as an addict.
• Reassessment of one's own personality qualities.
• Finding and understanding your “weak” places where you need help from another person.
• Find activities that you can enjoy.
• Reconsider and rebuild your life so that it does not revolve only around another person.
• Work through feelings and situations from childhood that cause you pain.

Dealing with addiction usually takes a lot of time. In most cases, it takes about a year to get a person back on his feet. Sessions are scheduled once or twice a week.

How does love dependence on a person manifest itself?

Love

– this is a wonderful feeling that “inspires” a person. This is a feeling that gives strength, desire and the opportunity to create, grow spiritually and professionally. A person in a healthy love relationship feels supported and becomes more successful, happier, more confident and healthier, including physically. A loved one helps him cope with difficulties, and does not add new ones. People in strong, harmonious marriages live longer and have better health.

Love addiction (addiction)

– dependence on a person in a relationship, due to which the patient experiences a kaleidoscope of negative emotions: fear of loss, jealousy, anger, resentment, despair, painful passion. He is in a state of chronic stress.

Love addiction, in its destructive power to the psyche, is not far removed from drugs, alcohol, and gaming, which bring incredible endless suffering and fleeting moments of “happiness.” There is no need to talk about any spiritual growth and happiness, the addict destroys his life, he cannot build a career, since all his thoughts are occupied with holding the object of passion, he cannot build healthy relationships with other people, so no one except his beloved is interesting to him , he destroys his health by being under constant stress.

He turns into a bloodhound, monitoring his partner’s every step, after which he demands a report and explanation. The only thing he wants is to make a person his property and spend every minute with him.

Here are the symptoms of love addiction associated with three areas of the patient’s personality:

• Personal boundaries.

  Almost always a person uses the pronoun “we”. These symptoms are especially pronounced in new mothers, but over time, the unhealthy “we” goes away and is replaced by “I” and “he/she/you.” If you hear “We went to college,” this is parental dependence, and if “we” is used in every situation and in every sentence by a husband or wife, then we can talk about fusion and love addiction.

  They often make decisions for each other, women forbid a man to have free time, arguing that they need to spend more time together, they use personal belongings (comb, toothbrush) without asking permission. In such families, the husband “asks” to go fishing, and the wife to hang out with her friends. There may be demands to comply with absurd rules invented by the addict for his own imaginary peace of mind.

• Control.

  Love is impossible without respect, and respect is impossible without trust. In a healthy relationship, partners never limit each other’s freedom, no matter whether it is a child-parent relationship, a love relationship, or a friendly relationship. Since respect and trust are mutual, it is assumed by default that neither partner will take actions that could negatively affect the other. And this basis of trust makes relationships strong, and life in them comfortable and reliable.

  If one of the partners does not trust the other and constantly tries to control, without “letting go”, without “allowing”, “checking”, then both will at some point begin to experience stress. Such relationships can last for years, there is no happiness and peace in them, they destroy both participants. This is how the addict’s fear is expressed; it seems to him that by controlling and “keeping his finger on the pulse” he can protect himself from betrayal, the departure of a loved one, betrayal, which he is not able to survive.

• Freedom of choice.

  In a healthy relationship, each partner has free will and choice, and the other never encroaches on it. A husband, wife or parent does not ridicule or belittle the decisions of another. They respect opinion and the right to live their own lives.

  In dependent relationships, the partner either bends the other one to suit himself, and his own idea and feeling of what is right, or he bends himself, makes sarcastic comments, and does not show respect for the opinions and interests of his loved one. Freedom seems to him an unnecessary rudiment: in a relationship, the addict thinks, there can be no choice or independent opinion, only common (my) interests. Refusal of freedom of choice and will are alarming symptoms of love addiction. If a break does occur, then healthy people, respecting the freedom of the other, accept his choice with understanding and love; it is precisely such couples that can maintain a good relationship for life, even if the feelings have passed. For an addict, separation means the collapse of his entire life, broken dreams and torn years.

  Read also:  How a woman can develop charisma and what is needed for this

Please note: The advanced stage of emotional psychological illness leads to suicide and the development of mental illness. It is no longer possible to cure a patient who is at the level of love delirium.

Chemicals and cortisol

The most basic, basic information that we need to learn is this: every time a thought is ignited in the brain, chemicals are produced that cause corresponding sensations in us and various reactions in the body. Over time, the body becomes accustomed to the level of chemicals that circulate in the bloodstream and are carried to each of our cells. Any interference with the steady, steady state of our body chemistry results in discomfort.

We will do almost everything in our power, consciously and subconsciously,

relying on your own feelings to restore the usual chemical balance.

Like the fight-or-flight response, whenever a thought is ignited, various chemicals are released. The three mediators of chemical communication in the body are neurotransmitters, peptides, and hormones.

Therefore, whenever we have a thought, neurotransmitters go to work in the synaptic space, lighting up the neural networks associated with a specific concept or memory.

Any memory has a corresponding chemical component that is reproduced by peptides. Part of the midbrain, the hypothalamus, produces many different peptides. The hypothalamus can be likened to a laboratory in which a corresponding chemical signature is developed for every thought ignited in our brain and every emotion experienced. This is why the limbic, or midbrain, is often called the emotional brain. It awakens our sexual currents, activates creative thinking and evokes a motivating competitive spirit in us. This emotional brain is responsible for producing chemicals that trigger our emotional reactions and thoughts.

When a "chemical thought" enters the bloodstream, it excites the body, much like ACTH ( adrenocorticotropic hormone)

— approx. T&P) with glucocorticoids (cortisol). When the body is aroused, it communicates through a negative feedback loop to maintain acceptable levels of chemicals in the brain and body cells.

Let's look at how this negative feedback loop works. Because the hypothalamus is the most vascular part of the brain (with the largest blood supply), it monitors the circulating volumes of each peptide during every chemical reaction in the body. For clarity, let's say that with a high level of ACTH, the level of cortisol decreases, and then the hypothalamus reduces the production

ACTH. The level of chemicals is determined by the individual internal indicators of each person. Each person has his own unique homeostatic balance, which is directly influenced by his genetic program, his reaction to external circumstances and his own non-verbal thoughts.

Negative feedback loop between brain and body

The illustration shows how the brain and body work together to regulate chemical communication. High levels of peptides circulating in the body affect various glands and organs that produce hormones and secretions. When the brain detects high levels of hormones or secretions and low levels of circulating peptides, it acts as a thermostat and stops producing hormones. When the level of hormones circulating in the body decreases, the brain senses this decrease through the hypothalamus and begins to produce more peptides, from which more hormones can be produced.

The battle of Maslenitsa and Lent (fragment). Pieter Bruegel. 1559

Stages of love addiction

Like other addictions: drugs, alcohol, nicotine, love, it develops in stages, depending on the initial mental disorders of the patient, he can go through all stages very quickly or gradually.

First: Euphoria

At the beginning of a relationship, the addict experiences happiness from the emotions of love he experiences, he “grows wings”, he feels full of life. He adores the whole world, he wants to sing, laugh, and an as yet unformed desire appears - to be with this person always. To grow old together and die on the same day.

Second: Increasing the dose

The desire to be constantly nearby grows stronger and becomes a need. Meetings, no matter how many there are, are always few. The feeling of love overshadows everything, everyday affairs: work, study fade into the background. A person lives in anticipation of a meeting, experiences euphoria and happiness and immediately begins to wait for the next date, cannot survive even short separations.

Third: Disappointment

Fleur subsides, her beloved does not live up to the dependent ideal drawn in her head. There is disappointment, fruitless attempts to still discern a fictitious image in a living person. Every time a person encounters reality, a person experiences suffering, and this, oddly enough, only binds him more to the object of passion.

Fourth: Become what I want

This stage can last for a very long time. The addict tries to remake his loved one and his behavior in accordance with his ideas about him in any way. It is impossible to change an adult personality, but an addict cannot leave or accept another for who he is. This activity gives rise to anger, fear, irritation, and jealousy in the patient. He can no longer back down, since he has invested a disproportionate amount of effort, time and emotions into this relationship. Soon there is no love left at all, only dependence, fear and a feeling of despair.

Attention The main difficulty in treating love addiction is how to get rid of it if a person does not want to free himself from this condition. A patient suffering from emotional love addiction perceives his mental pain as a manifestation of “true” love and is voluntarily ready to suffer and does not want to treat it.

Expert advice

Dependence on other people is unpleasant primarily because your well-being and mood depend not on yourself, but on another person. If a dependent participant in a relationship does not receive enough attention from the object of his dependence, life literally loses its meaning for him. This is a pathological condition that needs to be eliminated as soon as possible. If you are just starting out, following simple steps can help you. What do experts recommend?

• Don't put on other people what you can do yourself. Some tasks are unpleasant and difficult to do yourself. But this is the only way to increase self-esteem and become a completely independent person.
• Don't do their work for others. One of the steps to fighting addiction is setting clear boundaries. If you are asked to perform some task that is not within your competence, say a firm “no”.
• The ability to reflect and analyze one's behavior is an important part of psychotherapy. Stop from time to time and ask yourself: “Why did I do this?”, “What feelings did I experience?” Over time, you will learn to understand the hidden motives of your actions and satisfy your needs in a natural way.
• Don't get carried away by guilt and don't despise yourself. During addiction, a person may make mistakes for which he will later be ashamed. Treat yourself with understanding - after all, most likely, in those situations you simply could not do otherwise.
• Try to raise your self-esteem. Success at work or in the creative field helps a lot with this.
• Accept that most things that happen are beyond your control. Many things in our world are unfair and do not obey the laws of logic. You can only influence yourself, but not the people around you or certain events.

How to get rid of the pathological state of dependence on a person?

To find out about your emotional dependence on your loved one, take the test. Answer the following questions:

1. Do you often feel anxious when you think about your relationship?
2. Do you find it difficult to say “no”?
3. Is your partner's approval vital to you?
4. If your partner praises you, does your mood improve?
5. Do you panic if he is unhappy with something?
6. Can't imagine your life without a partner?
7. Is your loved one interested in you as a person?
8. Do you delete your passwords and demand the same from your partner?

1-2

answering “yes” to a test is the initial stage of addiction.

3-5

“yes” is the second stage.

more than 5

“yes” for the test - you are at the last, destructive stage of dependence on a loved one, a psychologist will help with love addiction, even online, through the website.

Start working with a psychologist right now

Start a consultation
If you scored a lot of points in the previous test and realized that your feelings are more like a drug trip, this is not such a strange love, but still an addiction, here are the psychologist’s tips that you can take on your own to free yourself from the disease. But often only long-term psychotherapy helps to reformat consciousness, since the problems lie deep in the psyche of the addict.

1. Understand why this attachment is unhealthy and destroys you and your future.
2. Realize that independence and self-sufficiency are not a path to loneliness, but a necessary condition for becoming free. You need to cultivate responsibility for yourself and your life.
3. Accept that everyone needs personal space. Everyone has personal boundaries that no one is allowed to violate.
4. Stop perceiving yourself through the prism of your social role: mother, girlfriend, wife, lover. You are an independent person, and you should have activities, hobbies and interests outside of one particular social role.

Working in three directions will help you cope with the feeling of love dependence on a person; it needs to be treated in stages:

– work with personality:

increasing self-esteem, building personal boundaries, awareness of one’s own value and significance, respect and acceptance of oneself;

– work with the body:

you need to establish lost contact with your own body through physical exercise, meditation (tips can easily be found online), massages, and mindfulness practices;

– work with thinking:

replacement of negative attitudes, images, maladaptive strategies. This work is best done with the help of a psychologist, jointly reviewing all cases that confirm a negative opinion about oneself and changing cognitive attitudes about each of them.

Causes

Emotional attachment is formed in the first year of a baby’s life. During this period, the child develops an idea of ​​how everything works in the world. Is it safe? Is he loved in this world? Are his wants and needs met? It is this period that has a huge impact on the rest of a person’s life. If the need for love and affection has not been properly satisfied, then all his life a person will look for love and affection, care not in himself, but in other people. He will project onto other people the role of an “ideal parent” who should take care of and care for them. People with emotional dependence seek unconditional acceptance and dissolution from him, similar to that experienced by the beloved children of their parents. They are accepted with all their flaws and whims and continue to be loved. However, unlike children, such traits in adults no longer cause tenderness, and no one seeks to take responsibility for the well-being and complete satisfaction of all the desires of another, even a loved one.

There are periods in a person’s life when emotional dependence becomes the norm and does not require treatment. In addition to childhood, there is another one - the so-called period of “candy-bouquet” relationships, during which lovers sometimes cannot tear themselves away from each other. At this time, the body produces happiness hormones - dopamine and endorphin, which lock on another person and force you to seek meetings with him again and again. But this is considered normal only under several conditions:

• Your feelings are mutual.
• The other person is looking for meetings just as much as you are.

After several months of a relationship, passions, as a rule, subside and partners again become interested not only in each other, but also in the world around them. If this period drags on, then all other interests gradually fade, the person has only one interest left - his beloved, and emotional dependence gradually forms. As a rule, in the final stages of addiction it is no longer possible to fight your addiction on your own, so it is better to stop addictions of any kind in the initial stages. The following factors can be the causes of emotional dependence:

• Early death of parents or guardians.
• Difficult childhood.
• A traumatic event that occurred in childhood (violence, death).
• Low self-esteem.
• Infantilism.
• Inexperience.

Medications

Since emotional dependence is not chemical, it is usually treated with sedative antidepressants, which are also prescribed for other problems with the psyche and nervous system.

• "Maprotiline" - reduces apathy, helps get rid of depression and psychomotor retardation.
• Prozac is a well-known drug that is used for depression, neurotic disorders and during the treatment of addictions. It makes it easier to bear the absence of the object of dependence and reduces anxiety.
• Deprim can be used without a doctor's prescription. It increases performance, eliminates depression and emotional exhaustion, while acting quite gently. Therefore, it is often taken by people suffering from emotional dependence.
• Ginseng tincture has long been known as a remedy that increases emotional mood and performance. It can be used as a drug to activate vital energy.
• “Persen” is quite often prescribed for poor sleep, irritability and lack of concentration.
• Mirtazapine restores the ability to enjoy, improves sleep and helps normalize appetite.

Women's Universe of Love and Beauty

When a day goes by as usual, followed by the next day as well, and another, many feel it as boring, ordinary, routine... Even if something seems to change, it feels like the same. In addition, we spend most of the day in the mental space, in our heads, solving all kinds of problems - from work to everyday ones. But you want something bright, unusual, changes, fullness, rapture, etc. And here, various kinds of emotional “shake-ups”, releases, etc. often come to the “help” - which includes experiencing various kinds of “strong emotional states” .

Somewhere I read the phrase “the soul feeds on vivid emotions,” and it doesn’t matter whether they are positive or negative.

In some ways this is true, because when you look through past lives, the first to be remembered are the vivid emotional states and events associated with them. Routine or ordinary affairs are “viewed” only in passing, more at the level of sensations “yes, it happened” (see about the method of reincarnation - immersion in past lives).

And at a certain stage, dependence on strong emotions may arise. Someone goes to extremes - such a roller coaster - going either into a strong minus or into a plus. Someone “loves” to sort things out, someone falls into self-pity, someone lives on adrenaline, someone is stressed, someone is in pursuit of happiness/goal, someone understands other people’s problems and emotions, someone watches the news or programs about the “end of the world” or another misfortune. But what often happens in such peak acute moments is that the circle opens and the person clearly feels alive, completely alive.

Oddly enough, I used to feel alive during hysterics. About 10 years ago they started when I was slowly going crazy from the routine, home-work-home-study... no changes. Hysterics began, as if out of nowhere. It was scary because I didn’t understand what was happening. But they were repeated with regularity. Now I understand that they were needed, because I began to feel something, I felt more alive, more sensitive at such moments.

Then, when there was no longer a need for hysterics, I began to “come up with” other ways: leaving it until the last moment, and then doing it under stress, going to the extreme, provoking another person (especially a man), falling into euphoria, sometimes sexual overstimulation. There are so many ways to “tickle” your nerves by experiencing your “dose” of emotions. Therefore, I unconsciously created situations in which I experienced strong emotions. But as a rule, they were not something positive.

Of course, you need bright emotions in life. This makes her infinitely beautiful and full. But in what way, that is the question?

Now I observe others and understand that many people repeat this pattern of behavior: to evoke strong emotions, most often negative, in order to... feel.

This happens precisely because 1x, we have stopped feeling, using sensory perception and exploring the sensory aspects of life. 2x, we don't feel alive, living, full of life , breathing and flowing with the flow of life.

I'm speaking for myself here, but many others I've talked to candidly talk about the same thing. - They do everything except stop and internal silence... It’s scary, because in this internal silence a real feeling of life is born, life flowing through us.

This is the feeling of life: I am, I exist, I am alive, I live, I am part of the universe, part of this world. And everything around is alive: trees, stones, the surrounding space, everything around is alive, everything around is saturated with life and formed into a wonderful pattern on the canvas of the universe.

And this is where the real miracles begin. Not only do you breathe more freely when you are drunk with happiness, because you feel that life is scattered everywhere, in every atom of air it is in every molecule of water, but because you begin to feel the moments of life . — The uniqueness and uniqueness of each moment and the way they come together, combine into something incredible - some opportunity, situation, action, meeting, smile, landscape... whatever.

At such moments you understand how fantastic life is, how beautiful it is, how much larger and broader it is than the problems and issues that we are constantly trying to solve. And how precious and how lucky I am - after all, I had the chance to be born and live here on Earth under a lucky Star named the Sun.

This state – I am alive and everything around me is alive (even if you don’t like this manifestation of life) – is intoxicating and transforms life.

When you feel alive, your emotions become purer, you no longer need this recharge, like a dose, the next dose of emotions. Then the dependence on strong, negative emotions goes away. But I want to feel life more acutely, more acutely, sometimes unbearably acutely. On some level, this is very painful, extremely painful, especially when you clearly see what people are “creating” most of the time, including myself. Because we often manage to pollute and even destroy this pure fabric of the universe more often than we introduce new patterns, structures, creations. And it resonates with pain within you.

But when you feel life itself, you suddenly emerge from the negative and it’s as if your soul begins to feed on something positive, to be saturated, to be nourished, to come to life more and more... From this state many others are born - the joy of life, trust, which usually slips away in the whirlpool of negativity (yes and it’s hard to trust when negative news is constantly pouring in). But most importantly, you begin to see the light and feel how love envelops you.

Life is saturated with love. Love is the connecting force with which all atoms are attracted to each other and held in their place, the force that connects objects, maintains them in unity, but each in its place. The force that unites and attracts each other, the force that holds the fabric of the universe, the force of a single universal consciousness, where everyone is in their place, everyone is themselves, fulfilling their role... Without it, we would be separate puzzles.

And here love appears not as a human feeling, but as a cosmic law. It is not like ordinary human love, or any specific relationship/romantic experience. Here love is one of the highest cosmic laws. (see Law of Love).

Although it may be, because when there is no love in something, it begins to disintegrate, collapse, be it a situation, an object, a relationship. The force that attracts and holds together does not act. Maybe that’s why we destroy ourselves, because we don’t feel love for ourselves, we destroy the earth because we don’t feel love for it, that it is living, breathing.

I don’t know, now there is just a feeling that when there is no love, it becomes easy to destroy, be it an object, a relationship, or yourself. But when love is present, it becomes very easy to create, connect, and be creative. And the heart knows about this law. All that remains is to tune in with it and live in accordance with the law of love. The heart can and knows how.

Then who is better...worse does not matter, because you have your place in life, because you have your own river in the general flow of life. It matters whether you take your place or rush around or even climb into other people’s, not those that are typical for you, whether you are yourself or trying to become someone else, whether you go your own way, even if you have to pave the way or obediently go “where you need to go.” and how is it necessary"?

Do you feel alive, living, filled with life?

With love, Evgenia Medvedeva

PS And this passage inspired a new state of consciousness and feeling, a very powerful text.

You've probably already heard from your mother and from your priest that our Father is God? That it was He who created our entire cosmos, and our universe, and our earth, and all of us. That's why they call him Father. And you’ve probably seen in many paintings and icons that artists from ancient times have depicted him as an old man with a gray beard?

But you probably heard the same thing, and now I think you hear about it more and more often, that there is no God. But really, can some old man with a gray beard sit in heaven and from there rule everything and everyone on our earth? That’s why scientists say that there is no God. Here's what I'd like to tell you about it.

The fact is that, living here on my island, completely alone, of course, I turned to God very often. I asked Him for help, and in every possible way sought a meeting with Him. But God did not want to show himself to me; it was as if he did not hear my prayers.

Every day I begged him to return me from this island to my family. I asked him to send at least some ship past, and I peered hopefully into the horizon, but it was all in vain. God seemed to deliberately not pay any attention to me. So in the end, I completely lost hope of meeting Him, I lost faith in Him, and having lost faith in Him, I fell into terrible melancholy.

There is no God, of course,” I decided and tears flowed down my cheeks like a river. In complete despair, I sat on the ocean shore and looked at its huge waves.

I looked at the ocean and dreamed of only one thing - to die as soon as possible. I was looking at the ocean and suddenly something strange happened to me. Suddenly, in an instant, I felt all the strength, all the power, all the beauty and most importantly, all the deepest mystery of this huge ocean. It was as if I understood the entire ocean.

It was as if I had merged with it, becoming one with the ocean. I looked at the ocean and streams of living force passed through my body.

I looked at the ocean and felt like one of its mighty waves. I felt my life flowing inside me. In short, for the first time in my life, I felt truly alive.

And at that very moment I realized very clearly that God is not at all an old man with a gray beard in heaven, but God is the life that fills everything around. Look at the tree that grows in front of your window; how could it be covered with leaves and bloom with flowers if it were not alive?

The tree not only grows up and reaches for the light, but it grows and blooms with green leaves because there is life in it. Trees and flowers, people and animals, fish and insects and everything you see around is filled with life.

Close your eyes and sit in silence for a while and you will feel life flowing inside you. Life is a river that fills all things, all objects and all beings around us. We all eat, drink, laugh and do what we love because there is life in us.

Close your eyes and feel that you are alive. Thanks to life, rivers flow and flow into oceans. Thanks to life, volcanoes erupt and pour out their burning lava, which, when solidified, turns into rocks and stones. Know that both stones and rocks, which seem dead and motionless to us, are actually filled with life. Life flows in them, just like in you.

Close your eyes and feel how life flows through your arms and legs and throughout your whole body. Life fills the entire universe that surrounds us. Life flows in distant cold stars, and in the Milky Way, and even in black holes, everywhere and in everything, life flows in this universe. All nature is filled with life. Life gives birth to cosmic galaxies, life gives birth to the universe, life gives birth to planets and an infinite number of living beings.

Close your eyes and feel yourself to be one with our entire earth, with our entire cosmos, with everything alive both around and inside you. Because you are part of one common life.

And before the universe appeared, before stars and galaxies appeared, before our sun and our planet Earth appeared, before all of this there was already life.

You've probably heard how often they like to repeat: “and life began in the universe”? Or “the universe gave birth to life”? in fact, these phrases contain one significant mistake and it is this. It was not the universe that gave birth to life, but life that gave birth to the universe. It simply cannot be any other way, because how can something dead give birth to something alive? It's as if the table made the carpenter, and not the other way around. Or as if a jug would fashion a potter, or a painting would create an artist.

No, it is the artist who creates the picture and fills it with life. Life gives birth to living things. Life gives birth to universes and the entire universe. All living things are born from life, and not vice versa.

Life never appeared because it was always there. Life cannot disappear or appear, because life is what was and will be and will never disappear. And even when our sun goes out, and our earth falls apart and we people cease to exist, life will never stop, it will continue to flow like a mighty river and create for itself a new sun, a new earth and new living beings on new planets, because life is the basis of everything, and there is no place anywhere in the universe where there is no life.

Therefore, know that life is everywhere and always. And it is also important to know that the life that flows inside you also flows in everything that you see around you. And in your friends, and in your parents, and in your dog, and most importantly, in those whom you do not love and consider bad people, the same life flows in them as in you. The same mighty river flows in all of us, which is called life.

Therefore, when you meet a person who is unpleasant to you, or whom you consider the worst person on earth, then always remember that the same life flows inside you and inside him. And this life is our Father. Therefore, to love and honor your Father means to love and honor life. Turning to your father for help and support means turning to life itself. This is precisely the essence of all prayers, all religions on earth. Because when a person prays, no matter what religion he belongs to and what God he addresses by name, he actually turns to true life. Because God is life. Life - which is you, is me, and even our death, because even our death is actually also part of that very life.

Our bodies will die, and the life that is inside us will flow its river further and further, the life inside us will never die, because this life inside us is our Father, who is always present inside each of us.

So remember that our father is always present within each of us. Your father is always with you. Wherever you are, and no matter what situation you find yourself in, your father is always with you, because He is inside you, because He is life. Your Father is always in your heart, because your Father is the one who filled you with life, and now this life will always flow through your veins, your heart, and your soul. And you yourself are nothing other than this life. So remember, you are life.

Therefore, be alive, feel how endless life flows inside you, trust the life inside you and do not be afraid of anything, because there is no one in this world who could take away from you the life that you are. It is impossible to kill or stop life, because there is nothing in this universe except life, there is only life, always and everywhere.

Look around carefully and find life in everything that surrounds you. Look at the angry, dirty dog ​​that runs aimlessly through the streets and throws itself at everyone around it - it has the same life that flows in you. Look at the teacher in your class who unfairly scolds you and picks on you more than the others, he has the same life that flows in you.

Look at the guy from high school who bullies you and takes away your favorite things, he has the same life as you.

The same life flows in all of us. We are all children of one life. Black people, white people, Jews, Russians and Germans, we are all one life that takes different forms and expresses itself in different peoples.

Now you live in a country where they increasingly tell you that the people to which you belong are the best and most spiritual on earth. Don't listen to this. This is what those who do not feel alive say. There are no “worst” and “better” peoples, just as there are no “worst” and “best” people. Please remember - there are no bad people, but there are those who do not feel life within themselves.

But even these people are no worse than others, and even if they commit bad deeds and do bad things.

Therefore, know that the one who commits bad deeds and does bad things is not a bad person in himself, but he does so because he does not feel true life within himself. Therefore, the more we feel genuine life within ourselves, the less evil we do. Because evil is where life is not felt, and good is where life reveals itself in its diversity and beauty.

And know also that if there are still bad people for you, if you consider yourself better than others, and if you feel separate from other people and from the whole world, then it means that you have not yet fully united with life within yourself. Therefore, look for life in yourself and in everyone around you. Strive for life, call for it and be alive.

This is our main secret - the purpose of life is to be alive. There is our secret with you - the goal of life is to seek true life, connect with it, and dissolve in it entirely, become whole and alive. But only he can be truly alive who sees life in everything that surrounds him, both in what is pleasant to him and in what is not.

Therefore, remember that true life is not only where you like and feel good, but it is also where it is difficult for you to be, and where you would like to leave as soon as possible. There is true life in grief, and in suffering, and in dirt, and even where, as it seems to you, there is no life.

Life is everywhere. Therefore, if you want to be truly alive, then open your heart to life and feel like the happiest person in the entire universe, because the happiest person in the entire universe can only be the one who knows that he is alive.

Ivan Vyrypaev - New play “What I learned from the snake”

Psychological treatments

Most often, getting rid of addiction on your own is very difficult. How to overcome emotional dependence if you do not have the opportunity to see a specialist? You can try a number of psychological techniques that are used in psychotherapists' offices. The most famous of them is the “Burning Connections” technique. To get rid of emotional dependence faster, sit back and close your eyes. You should have 15-30 minutes free, during which no one will disturb you. Imagine in your mind a person with whom you have a dependent relationship. Then imagine threads that stretch from your body to his. Observe this picture from the side for a while, and then say goodbye to it and burn the threads. Sit quietly for a while afterwards with your eyes closed, meditating. Afterward, it would be best to drink a soothing drink and take a shower or hot bath. Using this technique several times a week, you can break free from addiction quite quickly.

There is another way to get rid of emotional dependence on a man. Write all your emotions on a piece of paper. Try to express all your complaints, pain, fear and love as fully as possible. Don't try to express these emotions to your partner or loved one. It would be much better to write such a letter “on the table” and later burn or destroy it. What points should be covered in it?

• Guilt.
• Anger and resentment.
• Positive emotions: gratitude, affection.
• Sadness and regrets.
• Fears and disappointments.