Sometimes we are haunted by a real fear of losing people close to our hearts. It is not necessary that something tragic or out of the ordinary actually happens to them. We are quite capable of replaying many things in our heads and constantly being charged with negative energy. Being in this obsessive state, a person cannot live fully. He is overwhelmed with anxiety, driven by panic and a feeling of hopelessness. Let's try to figure out this difficult issue together.
Fear of death as a norm
The reaction to danger is biologically embedded in people. Fear of death is part of the general sense of danger; it is an animal reaction. Only animals do not have fear themselves, but have an instinct for self-preservation and the preservation of their offspring. But there is no fear, because animals live one day at a time. In this they are similar to children and infantile adults. They react only to real danger in the present time, and then immediately forget about it.
When we first learn about death, we are frightened by the irreversibility, inevitability and uncertainty of this stage. Moreover, we are afraid both for ourselves and for the people who are significant to us. However, those people who value and love life, are concerned about their development, procreation and self-actualization, are more often worried about thoughts of death. No one knows how many days are allotted to achieve the goals. Fear of not being on time is the main prerequisite for the fear of death.
The problem in our society is that many people separate death from the cycle of life and perceive it as the end. And from the point of view of developmental psychology, this is another stage of the life cycle. But we don’t know for sure whether there is life after death or not. And it is this uncertainty that scares people.
I would like to note that this can only be called the end from a biological point of view. From the perspective of psychology, everything is not so simple: if a person has lived an active life, left his mark on history or the lives of individual people, then death can hardly be called the end of life.
Search for reasons
First, let's try to figure out what could provoke increased anxiety for loved ones. Of course, each person will have their own underlying reasons, which can be identified in individual work with a psychologist. But here are the two most common reasons:
- early loss of one of the parents or a painful separation that was not fully experienced. Then the fear of repetition of the traumatic event remains in the unconscious;
- lack of inner support, deep connection with oneself and personal meaning in life outside of family and relationships with others.
Fear of death as a pathology
Fear of death cannot be considered a pathology as long as it does not prevent a person from leading a normal way of life, as long as the person does not suffer from obsessive thoughts. Otherwise, we are talking about a clinical problem - thanatophobia.
Thanatophobia is the fear of death in the absence of a real threat. That is, the person and his family are healthy and young, their life is defined and measured, but fear and thoughts of death still breathe in their backs. This is a form of neurosis.
The reasons for the development of thanatophobia include:
- fear of losing control;
- fear of not having time to realize yourself in life, to finish what you started;
- combination of hysterical and eliptoid personality types;
- fear of losing the benefits and pleasures that exist (someone, for example, worries that they will not see the new episode of their favorite TV series);
- fear of aging;
- lack of meaning in life and related experiences;
- psychotrauma associated with a life-threatening situation or someone’s death, mass tragedy;
- suggestibility, suspiciousness and anxiety as personality traits.
The fear of the death of a loved one requires special consideration. Most often, the reason lies in the dependence of one partner on the other. If we talk about the fear of losing children, then this is due to the fear of one’s own death and dependence on the child. For most people, children are a way of self-realization, life extension, and the meaning of life.
Not all people in the temple are experts on matters of life and death
Vladimirov Ivan (1869-1947). Funeral
For many, the loss of a loved one becomes the first step on the path to God. What to do? Where to run? For many, the answer is obvious: to the temple. But it is important to remember that even in a state of shock, you must be aware of why exactly and to whom (or Whom) you came there. First of all, of course, to God. But for a person who comes to the temple for the first time, who perhaps does not know where to start, it is especially important to meet a guide there who will help him understand many of the issues that haunt him.
This guide, of course, should be a priest. But he doesn’t always have time; he often has his whole day scheduled literally minute by minute: services, travel and much more. And some priests entrust communication with newcomers to volunteers, catechists, and psychologists. Sometimes these functions are partially performed even by candle makers. But we must understand that in church you can bump into all kinds of people.
It’s as if a person came to the clinic, and the cloakroom attendant said to him: “What’s wrong with you?” - “Yes, back.” - “Well, let me tell you how to treat yourself. And I’ll give you literature to read.”
It's the same in the temple. And it is very sad when a person who is already wounded by the loss of his loved one receives additional trauma there. After all, to be honest, not every priest will be able to properly build communication with a person in grief - he is not a psychologist. And not every psychologist can cope with this task; they, like doctors, have a specialization. For example, under no circumstances will I undertake to give advice in the field of psychiatry or work with alcohol addicts.
What can we say about those who give out incomprehensible advice and breed superstitions! Often these are people close to the church who don’t go to church, but they come in: they light candles, write notes, bless Easter cakes, and everyone they know turns to them as experts who know everything about life and death.
But you need to speak a special language with people experiencing grief. Communication with grieving, traumatized people must be learned, and this matter must be approached seriously and responsibly. In my opinion, this should be a whole serious area in the Church, no less important than helping the homeless, prison or any other social ministry.
What you should never do is draw any cause-and-effect relationships. No: “God took the child because of your sins”! How do you know what only God knows? With such words a grieving person can be very, very traumatized.
And under no circumstances should you extrapolate your personal experience of death to other people; this is also a big mistake.
So, if you are faced with a severe shock and come to the temple, be very careful in choosing the people to whom you turn with difficult questions. And you shouldn’t think that everyone in the church owes you something - people often come to me for consultations, offended by the lack of attention to them in the church, but who have forgotten that they are not the center of the universe and those around them are not obliged to fulfill all their desires.
But church employees and parishioners, if they are asked for help, should not pretend to be an expert. If you want to truly help a person, quietly take his hand, pour him some hot tea and just listen to him. What he needs from you is not words, but complicity, empathy, condolences - something that will help him cope with his tragedy step by step.
How to get rid of thanatophobia
The fear of death is the result of a combination of the work of the subconscious and the ability to predict and analyze the future. As we have already said, the unknown is frightening: what will happen after me and what will happen to me if someone close to me dies.
How to get rid of irrational worries:
- Turn the unknown into the known. Determine for yourself whether there is life after death. Someone finds solace in faith (just avoid cults, sects and fanaticism), someone decides to leave their mark in science and creativity.
- If you are afraid of the death of loved ones, then think about what this is connected with: fear of loneliness, psychological or material dependence on someone. If you understand that you will not physically die (you have housing, work, education), then the fear will decrease. We will never be psychologically prepared for the death of a loved one, but this is a different process and a topic for a separate article - living through a tragedy. In any case, you need to solve the problem as it arises, and not poison the present with negative fantasies. While you are together, enjoy every minute.
- Analyze the aphorism of the ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus: “Death is nothing for a person, because when we exist, death does not yet exist, and when death comes, we no longer exist.” Don’t poison your own life, but direct your energy and creative thinking in the right direction, fill every day with meaning.
- Harmonize all aspects of life, develop comprehensively. This advice is more relevant for the fear of death of loved ones. If your whole world revolves around one point, roughly speaking, you stand on one leg, then losing this support means being completely lost. And if you stand firmly on both legs, you will be able to maintain your balance even if the support is partially weakened.
- Take care of your body and soul: proper nutrition, normal sleep patterns, exercise, training and brain development. The better your condition, the more confident you are. In addition, this is an element of control that is lacking in thanatophobia: you take care of yourself, you decide what is healthy to eat, what exercises to include in your workout.
- Increase your resistance to stress, do not let the outside world manipulate you. Media, superstitions, fortune telling and horoscopes, dream books - all this can inspire fear. Most manipulations are based on the victim's fear.
- Think back to your life before you were born. Don't remember? That's it. The same thing happens at the moment of death, after it.
In conclusion, we recommend that you read our articles “How to get rid of fear - advice from a psychologist” and “How to get rid of the fear of death - advice from a psychologist.” In them you will find other ways to fight and tips.
Erase superstitions from your mind
I know that Thomas receives hundreds of questions about superstitions. “We wiped the monument in the cemetery with children’s clothes, what will happen now?” “Can I pick up something if I dropped it in a cemetery?” “I dropped a handkerchief into the coffin, what should I do?” “A ring fell at a funeral, what is this sign for?” “Is it possible to hang photos of deceased parents on the wall?”
The hanging of mirrors begins - after all, this is supposedly a gateway to another world. Someone is convinced that a son cannot carry his mother’s coffin, otherwise the deceased will feel bad. What an absurdity, who else but his own son should bear this coffin?! Of course, the system of the world, where a glove accidentally dropped in a cemetery represents a certain sign, has nothing to do with Orthodoxy or faith in Christ.
I think this is also due to a reluctance to look inside oneself and answer really important existential questions.
